How Or Why

Tonight, I got to talk about my writing, 
for the first time.

FELT "SEEN" AND "UNDERSTOOD."
Didn't share it for that, but it felt nice.

They said that my "online voice"
(or my "writing voice")
is "strong."

And that my "unfiltered" "processing"
and "reflecting" is REAL & RARE.

Those are definitely huge compliments, to me.

I told them about the time someone commented
to tell me that something I said earned them
a free dinner.

It's pretty wild to think
that something, just one thing
that actually made "some" sense
could make any kind of "impact"
on someone (even from another part of the world).

For me, writing's a way to "process" some stuff. 
When I'm writing about some stuff, 
it's sometimes just to "digest" it.

And why some things leave bad tastes in my mouth. 

They said that even when I was angry, 
I didn't seem bitter.

I've felt bitter, a lot. 
More disappointed, I guess.

Angry, sometimes, sure.

But "getting angry" about anything
was so often "used" or "turned" against me.
LIKE I HAD NO RIGHT TO BE
ANGRY ABOUT ANYTHING. 

ABOUT THE SAME THINGS THEY'D BE ANGRY ABOUT?
IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED.

SHOULD I TREAT THEM
LIKE THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY
LET ALONE UPSET
FOR ANY REASON
ABOUT ANYTHING?

LIKE THEY DO TO ME?

OR WOULD THE POINT OF THAT
BE LOST?

Anyway, writing's just been "there for me"
through everything I've "endured" in life.

As much as a lot could have been "better"
things could have been worse. 
In many ways. 

So why be bitter?

Jaded? Kinda... Possibly, 
but.. Still have some kind of "hope."

Hoping for what? Anything to "change?" Hahaha!

The only changes that stand a chance
of even happening are changes to make, 
for myself. 

I CAN'T COUNT ON ANY @SSHAT
TO MAGICALLY STOP BEING AN @SSHAT.

NO MATTER WHAT I COULD SAY TO AN @SSHAT, 
THEY ARE COMMITTED TO BEING AN @SSHAT.

Should I waste my time trying to convince an @sshat
THAT THEY'D LOOK MUCH BETTER
NOT BEING AN @SSHAT?

Or would that take too much of my time?

REALLY IT SHOULDN'T EVEN
HAVE TO TAKE ANY CONVINCING!

IDEALLY, THEY'D ALREADY KNOW
AND THEY'D SEE THAT, 
AND FEEL IT, 
ENOUGH
TO EVEN CONSIDER
WHAT THINGS MIGHT BE LIKE
IF THEY GREW TF UP!!!
AND STFU!!!

Here's an example of me NOT popping tf off.
(Because I could have, had I chosen to...)

I was on the bus, and a hobo gets on the bus...
He had a can of tuna, eating it
with HIS DIRTY FINGERS...

ONE LADY'S FACE!!!!
IF "EWWW!!!" WAS A FACE.... IT'D BEEN HERS!!!

I tried ignoring the guy, 
but he was literally in my eyeline
because he was in front of me.

Accidentally locked eyes just once...
"You fkn b*tch!!! Suck my @sshole!"

AND IF I STOOD RIGHT UP
AND SAID TO HIM
TO SUCK MINE FIRST 
OR STFU...

THAT'D BE ME "ESCALATING THINGS."
NOBODY SAID FK ALL. 

JUST "MOVED AWAY" FROM HIM.

HE EVENTUALLY GOT OFF THE BUS, 

but he was licking his dirty tuna fingers, 
rubbing tuna on his pants and through his hair...

DISRESPECTING ANYONE "LOOKING AT HIM."

If you don't want people looking at you, dude
DON'T FKN ACT LIKE THAT.

SIMPLE, EH?

You're in a PUBLIC BUS,
CAN'T 'EXPECT' PRIVACY
ON PUBLIC TRANSIT.

EVEN TO EAT YOUR TUNA
WITH YOUR DIRTY FINGERS ETC.

But I had to "bite my tongue" and not "engage"
BECAUSE IT COULD HAVE "ESCALATED"

ACCIDENTALLY LOOKING AT SOMEONE
SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME
GETS TURNED INTO A VERBAL ASSAULT?

DID I ASK TO BE SITTING THAT CLOSE TO THE GUY?
I WAS ON THE BUS FIRST!
HE SAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME FFS.

WAS I SUPPOSED TO "PRETEND"
HE WASN'T THERE?

I've seen some messed up stuff. 
The tuna thing isn't the worst I've seen. 

On a public bus, the most WTF THING
was the time that dude literally huffed spray paint on the bus.

AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL
YOU'RE OFF THE BUS???

My neighbor came to see me the other night. 
We smoke, listen to music, and talk. 

Well, he does most of the talking. 

He knows a lot about fishing. 
I'm trying to talk him into starting a fishing blog. 

He has a lot of knowledge about it.

The other night, he told me that it only takes
a 40 pound fish to pull you into the water
if you don't let go of the rod, 
can pull you right underwater.

He also said that if your hip-weighters fill up, 
they can actually sink you.
And you'd be fkd
because you'd be struggling to get them off...

Then he told me a few other stories...

First, he described those big fishing boats that the fishermen
are fishing for tunas...

(speaking of tuna lol)

(And to think they die
so an @sshat can eat them
on a city bus
with dirty fingers...)

Anyway, he said the fishermen who fish for those...
They are strapped to "chairs" that are anchored to the boat.
And their rods are bolted into the chair...

They lean and reel, lean and reel...
TUNAS ARE AROUND 300 pounds...

If a 40 pound fish could take you off a dock etc...

A TUNA COULD TAKE A PERSON
SO DEEP THEY'D NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN.

So... We were talking about that...

And he told me a story about the ice storm. 
If you haven't heard about the ice storm
OF 1998, look it up.
It was wild!

And during THAT chaos...
There were a few guys
going around STEALING GENERATORS.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
WHILE THEY WERE STILL RUNNING, EVEN...

By the time the people'd wake up, 
to see wtf was even happening, 
they'd be GONE with the GENERATOR.

So these guys ended up getting caught.

They took a generator from an ex military HIGH UP.
A WAR VETRAN
WHO NEEDED A MACHINE
THE GENERATOR WAS POWERING....

So the FEDS actually found these guys...
PICKED THEM UP,
STRIPPED THEM NAKED,
LEFT THEM, ALONE, 
IN THE BACK OF A "PADDY WAGON"
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
FOR AT LEAST A FEW DAYS.

He also told me about a guy's poor dog...
Some COP thought the dog was a wolf, 
whether he thought that or not wasn't the issue.

THE COP RAN OVER THE DOG,
BACKED UP OVER THE DOG
TO TRY TO K*LL IT
BUT DIDN'T...

AND THEN WOULDN'T SH00T IT
TO PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY
AFTER DOING THAT.

The guy who owned the dog...
Not only had to see his poor dog mangled like that
BY A FKN COP...

HAD TO EUTHENIZE HIS OWN DOG, 
HIMSELF FFS.

It's bananas what people'll tell you
WHEN YOU JUST LET THEM TALK.

BUT WHEN YOU LET THEM,
OFTEN THEY DON'T LET YOU.

OR THEY DON'T LISTEN.

Like today.... As an example...
OF WHY IT'S POINTLESS
TO TELL CERTAIN PEOPLE ANYTHING.

I was trying to talk to my stepfather about something. 
He ended up making it about himself, like always.

I GOT 3 TURNS TO EVEN TALK, AT ALL.

SO HE SAID I REPEATED MYSELF 3 TIMES.
NO. I TRIED TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING, 
THREE TIMES.

And he was telling me: "Don't get anxious about it."
I told him I wasn't anxious about it.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO FKN TALK ABOUT IT
AND SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN ALLOWED TO FFS.

He literally wanted to argue
ABOUT ME BEING ANXIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING
I TOLD HIM I WASN'T ANXIOUS ABOUT!!!

SEE WHY I SEE IT AS POINTLESS
TRYING TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING?

But I "let" him think whatever tf he thought
THAT HE WAS "RIGHT" ABOUT
JUST SO HE'D STFU.

It's an example of why I just...
WOULD RATHER KEEP MOST THINGS
TO MYSELF. 

BECAUSE WHY BOTHER?
TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
I'M ANXIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING?

Trying to talk about something 3 fkn times...
AND GETTING SHUT DOWN
SO THAT I JUST "DROP IT"?

BUT DOES HE "DROP" ANYTHING?

That guy literally broke the lock on my bedroom door
to "come at me" after I locked myself in my room
TO GET TF AWAY FROM HIM FFS.

HE FELT "ENTITLED" TO RAGE "IN MY FACE"
BECAUSE HOW DARE I 
LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM
TO GET TF AWAY FROM HIM?

And that's what it was like having to live with the guy.
When I went into group homes etc
IT WAS A RELIEF
NOT "HAVING TO"
"DEAL" WITH THAT SH*T
ON A DAILY FKN BASIS.

He just seems to "thrive"
on arguments he "has" to "win"
to have "power & control"

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH
IT FKN MEANS TO HIM FFS.

It's really fkn gr0ss
and I've been OVER it for YEARS.

The thing is, he'll have a few rare moments
of actually being "decent."

BUT HIS EGO.... HE NEEDS AN EGO CHECK.
BIG TIME.

A HUGE BURST TO HIS EGO.
SO HE CAN SEE AND FEEL
THAT HE'S NOT THE KINGS OF ANYTHING
NOT EVEN OF HIS OWN BS.

And that's how I've felt about the guy.
BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE CHOOSES TO ACT
AND TREAT PEOPLE.

Just to "inflate" his own ego?
CAN'T REALLY SEE ANY OTHER REASON HE'D DO IT.

Maybe I write to try to justify my feelings about things, to myself even.
I don't have a ton to do with my mother because of him. 

And when I go to visit, he tries draining ALL MY ENERGY
ANY WAY HE CAN. 

AND NEEDS ATTENTION ALL THE TIME
EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM,
BUT ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM. 

I'd like to think I KNOW when I'm anxious and NOT.
SO IF I'M SAYING I'M NOT,
MAYBE COULD JUST ACCEPT
WHAT TF I SAID?

AND NOT TRY TO TWIST IT
INTO ME NOT EVEN KNOWING HOW I FEEL?

Like gaslighting me about my own feelings ffs.
JUST FOR TRYING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING!!!

And too many people fkn have done this sh*t.
Not just him. 

BUT MAYBE THERE ARE REASONS
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING?

WHY BOTHER? Y'KNOW?
WHY FKN BOTHER?

And then why tell someone who thinks
AND TRIES TO ACT LIKE
THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!!??

JUST SO THEY CAN TELL YOU
HOW YOU FEEL, EVEN?

FK THAT. JUST FK THAT.

What bugs me is that he can't SEEM
TO FKN GRASP THE CONCEPT
THAT PEOPLE GET SICK OF THAT SH*T.

NOT JUST "AFTER A WHILE"
BUT IN GENERAL.

AND THEY STOP TRYING & CARING.
BECAUSE AFTER EVEN A LITTLE BIT
OF THAT BS
IT BECOMES: WHY FKN BOTHER?

FOR ANYTHING TO CHANGE?
FOR THEM TO START ACTING BETTER?
TREATING YOU BETTER?

THE WAY THEY NEVER WANTED TO TREAT YOU...
BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
THEY WOULD HAVE, RIGHT?

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SUCH A HASSLE
JUST TO HAVE A FKN CONVO
ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER.

Anyway, my brother, when he was here...
He told me about the guy getting in his face
trying to "dominate him"
OVER SOMETHING HE SAID
BASED ON WHAT THE GUY TOLD HIM FFS.

LIKE HE WANTED TO "MAKE"
MY BROTHER "WRONG"
EVEN WITH INFO
HE GOT FROM THE GUY!!!!

AND GOT IN HIS FACE ABOUT IT.

I wasn't there, didn't see it.

But my brother said that for his birthday, 
my mother and I are invited for dinner, 
but my stepfather isn't invited. 

Watch it be a BIG THING that he wasn't invited!!!

COULD THERE BE A REASON WHY HE'S NOT?!

Like one time, as an example, 
my brother didn't want to be part of "father's day"
BECAUSE OF HOW OUR STEPFATHER
HAS HISTORICALLY TREATED HIM. 

MY BROTHER WROTE SOMETHING ON FB
THAT OUR STEPFATHER TOOK "OFFENSE" TO.
BECAUSE IT WAS ESSENTIALLY ABOUT HIM.

HE RILED HIMSELF UP SO MUCH
HE LITERALLY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF
(HE LIKES TO TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS
BUT DOESN'T SEE WHY HE SHOULD CONTROL HIMSELF)
AND HE WENT OVER TO MY BROTHER'S PLACE
TO BE "CONFRONTATIONAL" AND TO "CAUSE A SCENE"
IN FRONT OF HIS NEIGHBORS
WHO WERE JUST TRYING TO HAVE
A DECENT FATHER'S DAY.

And when he got back, because he left the three of us, there
TO GO DO THAT
LIKE HE HAD A RIGHT TO JUST DO THAT....

HE WENT ON ABOUT IT FOR HOURS,
INSULTING MY BROTHER, TO US ETC.

And TELLS ME that just because I tried talking about something
THREE FKN TIMES
THAT I COULDN'T LET SOMETHING GO?!

But yet he can ACT and REACT to anything and everything
HOWEVER HE WANTS TO, RIGHT?

Getting out of that house was a pretty big turning point, for me.
Having to "deal" with his "power struggle issues"
THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE...

AND LEARNING THE BEST WAY
TO "HANDLE" HIM
WAS TO JUST LET HIM THINK
WHATEVER TF HE THINKS

DESPITE WHAT THE TRUTH ACTUALLY IS...

And to "let" him wear himself out.
BECAUSE HE WILL AND HE DOES.
THEN HE WILL STFU.

But had I been forced to be there any longer than I was...
And to wonder why I had "depression issues"
WHO WOULDN'T?
HAVING TO LIVE LIKE THAT
BUT JUST EXPECTED
TO FKN "DEAL" WITH THAT
WALK ON FKN "EGGSHELLS"
AROUND SOMEONE 
WHO NEEDS A FKN SWIFT LESSON
THAT HE'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT 
ABOUT FKN EVERYTHING
ALL THE TIME.

And yeah, NOT EVEN BEING SEEN
OR HEARD ABOUT ANYTHING
ALL YOUR FKN LIFE...

PRETTY DEPRESSING...

Someone I spoke with recently...
He told me O-town's depressing. 

Yes, it can be...
Depends on how you look at things...

There was something that kept popping up
after I quit drinking...

It goes like this:
"When you change the way you look at things, 
the things you look at change."

I swear, this "quote" would come up
sometimes like 3 times a day... Just "randomly"

But it was "in my face" for a while. 
For a reason, I guess. 

If he could look at things like:
"I don't have to act like this."

Maybe he wouldn't?

Or: "People lost loads of respect for me
because I acted like this
when I didn't fkn have to..."

Maybe he wouldn't?

Or if he could "see"
how that "looks" on him...

WHY HE SHOULD CARE ABOUT
HOW THAT LOOKS ON HIM...

BECAUSE IF HE "MADE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER"
BY NOT ACTING LIKE THAT
MAYBE HE'D HAVE MORE RESPECT
FROM MANY, 
NOT JUST US AS HIS STEPCHILDREN.

And him trying to talk like he'd have our backs...
HOW? BY THE WAY YOU LISTEN?
CARE TO LISTEN?
CARE TO UNDERSTAND?
CARE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE
FOR HOW YOU ACT?

BY THE WAY WE DON'T EVEN
REALLY WANT TO BE AROUND HIM
BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S
ALWAYS ABOUT HIM.

CAN'T SEE PAST
HIS INFLATED EGO
TO SEE ANYTHING "WRONG"
WITH ACTING SO ENTITLED
AS TO RAGE IN SOMEONE'S FACE FFS.

Like raging to the point of spitting while talking
not even inches from your face...

BECAUSE HE "NEEDED" "POWER"
AND "CONTROL"

AND I'VE SEEN IT A LONG TIME AGO.

For my sanity, I just had to be out of there.
Away from that.

I think being "misunderstood"
has helped me "understand" myself better, in some ways.

But it's not even being "misunderstood"
BECAUSE THEY INTENTIONALLY
TREAT ME LIKE THAT FFS.

THERE'S NO "MISUNDERSTANDING"
ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CLEAR ENOUGH

THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
"MAKE" THEM CLEAR. Y'KNOW?

So, I mean, I still "show up"
EVEN WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO.

BECAUSE, I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO
SEE OR BE AROUND THE GUY.

I GO TO VISIT MY MOTHER.
SHE SIDES WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.

NO POINT IN TELLING HER
THAT THERE'S NO POINT
IN TELLING HIM ANYTHING.

Before they ever got married...

My mom had asked my cousin to come
"babysit" my brothers and I
for a night.

While they went out for Valentine's Day.
Well, they got in a "fight"
at whatever party or wherever they'd been.

My mother wanted to just get away from him. 
So my mother took a cab home, left him there.

Which p*ssed him off
on top of whatever he was p*ssed off about...

So he came back ENRAGED...
MY COUSIN WAS STILL THERE.
HE HIT MY MOTHER FFS.
ON FKN VALENTINE'S DAY
AND I HAD TO CALL THE COPS ON THE GUY...

HE SPENT LIKE 3 DAYS IN JAIL.
AND THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER AFTER THAT!!!
AND FKN GOT MARRIED!!!

I've only been hit by ONE dude...
He wanted to get back together, after that.
Nope. Could have chosen NOT to hit me.
LIKE I CHOSE NOT TO HIT HIM BACK.
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE
HAD I NOT CHOSEN NOT TO.

THAT could have been the END of their relationship.
Why she took him back after that, I dunno.
She didn't have to.
Just like I didn't have to.

That was my choice.
Just like hitting me was a choice, right?

HE CHOSE TO HIT MY MOTHER.
HE CHOSE TO BREAK THE LOCK
ON MY BEDROOM DOOR
JUST FOR LOCKING MYSELF IN THERE
TO GET TF AWAY FROM HIM...

HE CHOSE TO ACT
EXACTLY HOW HE ACTS.

AND KEEPS CHOOSING THAT.
HE'S HAD YEARS TO STOP CHOOSING HIS BS
THAT NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND.

Anyway, that's what my "childhood" looked like.
Well, since the age of 9.

Before that, it was still sh*t.

BUT THESE ARE THE TYPES OF THINGS
AND THE TYPES OF REASONS
I VERY MUCH
APPRECIATE BEING ALONE
IN MY OWN "ENERGY"
NOT "DEALING WITH"
ANYONE'S BS.

Just seeing someone act LIKE THAT
SHOULD BE A HARD FKN NOPE.
NO THANKS.

How many times does someone have to SHOW YOU?
ONCE? TWICE? A ZILLION TIMES?

IF THEY SHOW YOU JUST ONCE...
JUST ONCE IS ENOUGH TO KNOW
"HEY, THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET."
"YOU GET THIS ONCE, YOU'LL KEEP GETTING IT."

If my mom broke it off with the guy
MAYBE HE'D HAVE LEARNED
THE HARD WAY
NOT TO TREAT PEOPLE
LIKE YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO ACT HOWEVER TF YOU WANT TO!!!!

If I hadn't "broke" things off with
MIRROR SMASHER....

HOW MANY MORE TIMES
WOULD HE HAVE DISRESPECTED ME?
(AND HOW MANY TIMES DID HE ALREADY?)

UNTIL I TOLD HIM TO GO FK HIMSELF?

Maybe treating someone like your "urges"
or whatever matter more to you than they do...

HAVE I FKD UP LIKE THAT, BEFORE? YEAH.

BUT I QUICKLY REALIZED
A LOT OF THINGS I DID
I HAD NO RIGHT TO DO.

AND NOBODY HAD TO TELL ME THAT.
I THOUGHT ABOUT MY OWN ACTIONS.
I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW IT LOOKS ON ME.

THOSE THOUGHTS.... Lead to some hefty realizations.
Lead to some introspection. 
Lead to some changes
I probably should have made
LONG BEFORE IT TOOK ME
TO LOOK BACK, THINK, REALIZE XYZ.

Someone once brought it up to me:
Why did I "need to know" why
I was doing something
to "understand" why not to do it?

Like: Why did it take for me to look back on things
to think about them?

Is the reason a lot of people don't "look back" on things
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT
TO REGRET HOW THEY CHOSE TO BE?

Regret's healthy! It teaches you!!!
Shame's healthy! It teaches you!!!

Ever been like:
"I'd really regret xyz" and not done it?
"I'd be ashamed of myself if I xyz" and not done it?

I don't know why this one example is standing out, to me, 
but we'll go with it...

I was watching a youtube channel
about a guy who catches "predators."

He somehow caught some dude downloading CP.
He went into it like "let's talk about this."
NOT PROMISING HIM
THAT HE WASN'T GOING TO
FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES...

Anyway, this guy might have thought
that he could somehow talk his way out
of facing any consequences...

He told the guy who caught him
that there were these chat rooms
that predators join to get all kinds of CP.

THOUSANDS OF MEMBERS.
AND THE RULE IS THEY HAVE TO KEEP UPLOADING IT
TO THE CHAT ROOM.

So the guy let him "try" to talk his "way out"
by giving him whatever info he wanted to know...

BUT ULTIMATELY, HE GOT ARRESTED.
AND HIS SICK MOM
HE WAS TAKING CARE OF...

HAD TO LIVE OUT HER DAYS
KNOWING HER SON
WOULD RATHER BE INTO THAT
THAN NOT.

That "I'd be ashamed of myself if xyz..."
DIDN'T SEEM TO SOMEHOW
MAKE IT THROUGH
TO HIS CONSCIOUS.

Wouldn't THAT be shameful?
"By the way, mom, I can't be there
to take care of you
like you need me to
because I GOT ARRESTED FOR CP." FFS.

That's a pretty intense and wild example of
WHY REGRET AND SHAME
ARE ACTUALLY HELPFUL
IN "STOPPING YOU"
FROM "DOING"
(WHATEVER)
YOU OUGHT NOT TO BE DOING
LET ALONE THINK ABOUT DOING.

Tonight, I was watching a video
with my mom about a true crime case...

A guy was convinced his wife was having an affair
pretty much made her miserable
with his unfounded jealousy
and paranoia etc

THAT SHE WANTED TO DIVORCE HIM...

SO HE ENDED UP SH00TING HER
AND THEIR 9 CHILDREN. 

He was only charged with k*lling his wife, though
AND SOMEHOW GOT PAROLE
AFTER LESS THAN 8 YEARS FFS.

It'd be a "thing" if, for whatever reason, 
my mom "decided" she had "enough"
and actually divorced him. 

LOOK HOW HE ACTED
WHEN SHE LEFT TO JUST
GO HOME BY HERSELF
ON FKN VALENTINE'S DAY FFS.

IF HE'D BE "OFFENDED"
THAT NONE OF HIS STEPCHILDREN
WANT MUCH TO DO WITH HIM, 

HE'D DEFINITELY BE OFFENDED
IF MY MOTHER DECIDED,
EVEN FOR HER OWN PEACE
AND MENTAL HEALTH
NOT TO BE WITH HIM. 

If that one "fight"
ENDED THEIR RELATIONSHIP,
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A REAL CONSEQUENCE
OF ACTING LIKE THAT.

He could have chosen to take a step back
TO THINK ABOUT
WHY SHE'D WANT TO 
GO BACK HOME, WITHOUT HIM.

AND TO HIT HER BECAUSE SHE DID? WTF.

If that was ME, a HARD fkn NOPE.
Would have been OVER.

AND ALL THE "DR JECKLE MR HYDE" SH*T
WE WOULDN'T HAVE "HAD TO"
OR "BEEN EXPECTED TO"
"PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T"

AT ALL, AFTER THAT, 
NOT FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE...
THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.

If I didn't break up with my ex....
FOR HITTING ME.

HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
HE COULD JUST FKN DO THAT.
AND ZERO CONSEQUENCE.

RIGHT?

Consequence was I don't want to be with ANYONE, 
now, period, let alone anyone
WHO'D LITERALLY PUNCH ME
WITHIN AN INCH OF MY TEMPLE FFS.

NOT EVEN THE GUY
I HAD DREAMS ABOUT MARRYING
WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD FFS.

"I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM ONE DAY."

I was four. 
OBVIOUSLY, I WASN'T THINKING:
THIS GUY COULD BE AN @SSHAT TO ME...
HE COULD HAVE HIS HEAD UP HIS @SS.
OR UP SOMEONE'S @SS.

TOO FAR UP AN @SS (HIS OR ANYONE'S)
THAT HE CAN'T SEE
PAST HIS OWN BS (OR THEIRS).
OR HIS AND THEIRS...

None of that had crossed my mind at four years old.

AND HAD I MARRIED HIM
WOULD ANYTHING HAVE CHANGED?
OR WOULD HE STILL HAVE AN INFLATED EGO?

The thing about people who have massive inflated egos....
IS THAT THEY ARE SO INSECURE
THAT THEY FEEL THE NEED
TO "HIDE" BEHIND THEIR EGO FFS.

It's never "them" you're "talking to"
it's their ego!

AND IF YOU SAY SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENS TO BE TRUE
AND IT HITS THEM WHERE IT SHOULD
THAT'S A DIRECT ATTACK ON THEIR EGO.

AND THEY ACT OUT
OVER IT
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THEY KNOW
HOW TO DO!!!

And "acting out" gets them "attention."

THE THING THAT P*SSES ME OFF
IS PEOPLE PUTTING ME
INTO A POSITION WHERE
I KNOW THEY ARE PLAYING GAMES
AND I CALL THEM ON IT...

AND I'M THE ONE WHO GETS SH*T
TWISTED AROUND ON ME.

WHEN THEIR SH*T IS ON THEM, 
NOT ME.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY SH*T.
IT'S THEIR SH*T.

But they try to put me in a "spot"
to try to "make" me "pop off"
JUST TO SAY WHATEVER
THEY WANTED TO SAY ABOUT ME
HAD I POPPED OFF
THAT THEY CAN'T SAY
WHEN I DON'T.

I learned that in high school. 
I saw it for what it was, that long ago.

AND EVEN "GIVEN" LOTS OF "REASONS"
TO "POP ALL THE WAY OFF"

WHY HAVEN'T I?
I could, right?
Since I have all kinds of "reasons"?

THOSE "REASONS"
WOULD JUST BE ME
GIVING MYSELF "EXCUSES" TO DO IT
IF I THOUGHT I HAD A RIGHT TO DO IT
TO "JUSTIFY" HOW I FELT.

I can "justify" how I feel about something
IN OTHER WAYS.

PEOPLE WANT ME TO POP OFF
TO GIVE THEMSELVES "REASONS"
OR "EXCUSES" TO DO WHATEVER.

Like how I *might* be a *danger*
BECAUSE I GOT UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING.
THAT I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UPSET ABOUT...

AND IF I WAS GOING TO BE A DANGER
I WOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN ONE.
A MAJOR ONE.

But just because I *might* be one...
I "had to be" treated like one, right?

See how that could mess with someone's life?
OVER A "MAYBE"?

WITH NO PROOF?

BUT TRY TO GET ME TO POP OFF
TO GIVE YOURSELVES "PROOF"
THAT I'M A *DANGER*

And that's literally what they did!
AND THEY WERE "JUSTIFIED."
IN THEIR ASSUMPTIONS
WITH NO PROOF.

"Just push her and keep pushing her
just to see WHAT SHE DOES."

"BECAUSE IF SHE DOES XYZ,
WE HAVE A "REASON" TO XYZ."

But they "upped" it
by being like:

"Well, she *could* do xyz
so we need to *stop her* from doing xyz."

WITH NO PROOF
THAT I WOULD EVER DO XYZ.

But nope! Just treat me like I WOULD. RIGHT?

WOULDN'T THAT P*SS YOU OFF?

OF COURSE IT WOULD!
AND THEY WANT IT TO P*SS ME OFF
ENOUGH TO
"MAKE ME SNAP."

AND "SHOW THEM THAT THEY WERE RIGHT." FFS.

When kids at school do that to you for so long...
AND THEN GROWN ADULTS DO, TOO?

And ALL THE TIMES that I could have
"just snapped"
because OF THIS KIND OF BS...

AND STILL DIDN'T?
WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT.

EXPECTED ME TO "SNAP"
A LONG TIME AGO.

BECAUSE IF I DID, 
IT WOULD HAVE "JUSTIFIED"
EVERYTHING THEY EVER DID TO ME?
PUT ME THROUGH?

OVER A MAYBE? FFS.

"She might "snap""
NOT THAT I WAS 
GETTING BOMBARDED
AND THEY WERE TRYING TO "PUSH"
ME INTO "SNAPPING" RIGHT?

THEY JUST EXPECTED ME
TO NOT "CONTROL MYSELF"

But WHY do I have such control of myself?
Because:
"I'd be ashamed of myself if I xyz."

I don't need to be SHOWN why I'd regret
doing something
TO KNOW I'D REGRET DOING IT.

Anyway, back to conversations I had recently...

While standing on the balcony, 
someone pointed out an area to me
that we could see from the balcony
where the tweakers go "hang out."

He said "They're there ALL summer."

He also said that he saw the ambulance
go to that same spot
FOUR TIMES, IN ONE DAY
FOR OVERDOSE CALLS.

FOUR TIMES.
IN ONE DAY.

FROM WHERE I CAN SEE
FROM WHERE I LIVE.

AND I'LL HAVE A FRONT-ROW SEAT
TO ALL OF IT THIS SUMMER.

He was talking about a guy who died in this building. 
That he saw them taking his body out of here...

He told me how the guy died.

Someone gave him THEIR medication
WHICH HAPPENED TO BE STRONG AF...

SO THE DUDE SH0T IT
INTO HIS ARM. 

My neighbor told me that within 3 PUMPS
OF THE GUY'S HEART,
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD.

PUMP. PUMP. PUMP. DEAD.
Just like that.

He said that if the guy sh0t it into his leg, 
he still might have died, 
but he'd at least'd have gotten high first lol. 

He also said that once someone's foamed at the mouth, 
their pretty much gone.

Which brings me to the last thing I'll write about
in this post...

I was waiting at the bus stop, last Friday, 
firestrucks blaring to somewhere...
Then an ambulance....

Then I saw the ambulance driving back....
IF THERE WAS SOMEONE IN IT
WHILE DRIVING BACK
AND THEY WERE RACING
TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL,
THEY WOULD HAVE THEIR
SIRENS ON.

THEY DIDN'T.
One of the EMTs in the ambulance
looked "sullen" as they drove away.

AND THE QUESTION:
ARE THE NETS TO REALLY
KEEP THE PIGEONS AWAY
OR IS IT TO "STOP" PEOPLE
FROM JUMPING OFF THEIR BALCONIES?

The "thing" about this place
is it's either "this place"
or be homeless FFS.

And if they have whatever grounds
to "evict" you, THEY'LL DO IT.

AND NOT THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.

AND IF SOMEONE WOULD RATHER BE DEAD
THAN BE HOMELESS...

THEN, I GUESS THEY'D RATHER BE DEAD?
THAN "HAVE TO" LIVE "LIKE THAT."?

O-town's like a "blackhole."
People come here, not knowing what to "expect"
and if they are "far removed"
from the "reality" of this city...

IT DOESN'T AFFECT OR IMPACT THEM
IN ANY WAY
BIG OR SMALL.
NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.

Compared to who? 
PEOPLE WHO ARE RIGHT IN THE "THICK OF IT"?

SURE... I COULD CHOOSE TO XYZ...
BECAUSE XYZ...

But would I only be PART of the PROBLEM
IF I CHOSE TO?

BEING IN "THE THICK OF IT" 
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO XYZ.

JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE LIKE 20K
CR@CKHEADS IN THE CITY
AND CONCENTRATED IN ONE AREA
DOESN'T MEAN
THAT I HAVE TO PICK UP
A PIPE AND JOIN THEM. Y'KNOW?

Sure, certain things are pretty depressing. 
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
EVERY FKN DAY.
AND WHY IT IS THE WAY IT IS...

IT'S FKN DEPRESSING. OKAY?
BUT DOES THAT MEAN
THAT I HAVE TO PICK UP A CR@CK PIPE?

DOES THAT MEAN I NEED TO
TIE OFF AND... 

OR STEAL TO GET THE MONEY TO DO IT?
ON TOP OF IT?

Like that guy who got all that stolen loot
for $5.

"But it's stolen."
"I paid for it, didn't steal it."

Isn't really an excuse for buying something
YOU KNOW IS STOLEN.

BECAUSE IF THEY NEED $5 FOR A "FIX"
THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY
TO "BUY" WHAT THEY'RE "SELLING"
FOR THAT "FIX."

That's pretty much understood
when they're trying to sell it to you.

And if you buy it, anyway, knowing that...
Are you just as "bad" as they are
for stealing it?

Just was wild to think...
Pump. Pump. Pump DEAD.
And nothing you could do about it.

Except for not sh00ting it
in the first place...

BUT TRY TELLING THAT
TO SOMEONE
WHO ONLY CARES
ABOUT SH00TING IT.

SEE HOW FAR THAT'LL GET
EITHER ONE OF YOU...

Even if your INTENT
is just to get them to think,
REALLY THINK
ABOUT
PUMP. PUMP. PUMP. DEAD....

IT'S STILL THEIR CHOICE.

EVEN TO JUST LISTEN TO YOU
WHEN YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO TELL THEM:
PUMP. PUMP. PUMP. DEAD.