If I didn't, I wouldn't have stuck around
for as long as I did.
I DON'T CARE FOR THE BS.
IF I DIDN'T CARE...
BUT COULD HE SEE THAT?
COULD HE EVEN SEE WHY?
Anyway, I should leave that in the past.
I guess it still bothers me.
It would have bothered him, too.
If I was just as much of a sh*t
as he was being to me.
And choosing to be
for the wrong fkn reasons.
That part, probably bothers me the most.
BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD TO.
HE CHOSE TO.
AND THE PEOPLE
WHO WANTED HIM TO CHOOSE TO
ARE NO FKN BETTER.
My life, is what it is, now
but doesn't mean that it has to stay that way.
And my choices got me exactly here.
Because I had a lot of time
to go another way, my own way,
to do whatever to get to where I want to be.
But I am trying to look at it like:
Sometimes it's like an arrow.
It has to be pulled back
to be propelled forwards.
And it's not like I'm at the lowest
I've ever been...
But as broke as I am,
I'm not out there, asking for money.
Some people have a rough time
trying to get a job
because they've been "out there"
so long that nobody in society
even looks at them as a person anymore...
"Just another junkie,
just another crackhead,
just another drunk,
just another whatever."
AND TO ASSUME THAT I AM, TOO,
IS ASSUMING A BIT MUCH
ABOUT ME.
But people are going to think
whatever tf they want to.
And even if they don't want to, they will.
And I've heard some rumors about me LOL.
Should I be flattered that they went to that extent? LOL.
To say whatever and to think it wouldn't come back to me?
In one way or another?
I just let them.
They can fap to it, even. DGAF.
What am I supposed to do?
DEFEND MY OWN HONOR?
OR LAUGH AT THEM FOR NOT HAVING ANY?
Maybe I would laugh if it wasn't fkn sad.
At everything if it wasn't sad.
And I can't feel bad
for the choices others made.
Or feel bad for myself
for the choices I made.
Because I'm the one who made my choices.
Nobody chose for me.
I chose for myself.
They either chose for themselves
or let others choose for them.
Either way, choices were made.
When it came to me.
But am I supposed to take it personally?
It sure feels fkn personal.
BUT AM I SUPPOSED TO?
AND SHOULD I?
THEY FKN WOULD.
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
IF I DID THE EXACT SAME SH*T.
WE BOTH KNOW IT, TOO.
Like if I was the one "casually"
trying to sell crack to that guy...
He'd probably want to make me
sweat about it, too.
SWEATING ABOUT IT...
THAT CAN GET INTENSE.
I KNOW.
I've been on my own case
about things I chose to do.
I can make myself sweat about it.
Don't need anyone doing it, to me.
But when there's someone doing it,
YOU FEEL IT.
EVEN WHEN THEY AREN'T
ACTIVELY DOING IT.
THEY CAN DO IT
WITH JUST ONE LOOK.
The look that says:
YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.
It kicks your @ss
in a way that not much else can.
And I don't do it to be a "b*tch."
I do it because:
THEY SHOULDN'T FKN BE DOING
WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING.
AND THEY KNOW IT
SO WHY SHOULDN'T THEY
FEEL IT?
REALLY FEEL IT?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT TAKES
REALLY FKN FEELING IT
TO WAKE TF UP.
IF THEY WOKE TF UP
A LONG TIME AGO...
THERE'D BE NOTHING TO
"REALLY FEEL."
AND I HAD TO LEARN THAT,
BY REALLY FEELING IT.
And it shouldn't have
HAD TO TAKE THAT.
FOR THAT.
SHOULDN'T HAVE.
Yet I was full of excuses.
About drinking etc.
About being a stupid idiot.
Or whatever else about me
THAT WAS FKN BULLSH*T.
Maybe that's why I point things out.
So people can fkn feel it.
Because why shouldn't they?
But there's a such thing as taking it wayyyy too far.
And no need for that.
REALLY FEELING IT IS BAD ENOUGH.
SOMETIMES EVEN WORSE.
THAN DOING ANYTHING ELSE.
Because when they really feel it,
THEY HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT,
AND LIVE WITH THEMSELVES.
which is fkn hard to do.
Much harder than when they were
ALL ABOUT THEIR BS
AND EXCUSES FOR THEIR BS.
And some people "can't take" that.
And they'd rather feel "nothing"
than to really feel it.
But after really feeling it
you can't go back to not feeling anything.
Because it gets to the point,
or can get to the point
that it's all you can feel.
And when that happens...
It seems to overshadow the reasons
for even being alive.
For some.
UNLESS something's done
about really feeling it.
Because you can either "really feel it"
for the rest of your life
OR YOU CAN TAKE WHAT IT TAUGHT YOU.
AND DO SOMETHING WITH THAT.
WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT
IN "REALLY FEELING IT."
THE POINT ISN'T JUST TO FEEL IT.
And I observe who people present themselves to be.
The choices they choose to make
for the reasons they chose that.
AND WHETHER OR NOT
THEY EVER REALLY FEEL IT
ISN'T UP TO ME.
not even up to me to "make them sweat."
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR OWN JOB.
REALIZING THAT THEY WOULD SWEAT IT
AND WHY THEY'D SWEAT IT.
AND THUS NOT DOING IT.
but doesn't seem to stop them.
If someone's addicted to wrecking themselves
and every chance they ever get for anything,
YOU'LL ONLY GET THROUGH TO THEM
IF THEY WANT YOU TO.
Just like they'd listen to you,
if they want to.
They'll think about what you say,
if they want to.
They'll think about their choices,
if they want to.
Not much you can do if they don't.
Wait around for when they do?
Just in case they do? LOL.
Done that too many times.
Maybe they'll stop to think, one day
WHY YOU GOT FED TF UP.
Because even THE MOST PATIENT PEOPLE
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
ONLY HAVE ENOUGH PATIENCE.
AND IT OFTEN WEARS VERY FKN THIN.
EVEN RUNS OUT.
NOBODY MISSES THE WATER
UNTIL THE WELL RUNS DRY.
Often have to let them have
what they thought they wanted.
To let them see that's not what they wanted.
BUT DON'T DARE COME BACK TO ME
CRYING ABOUT IT
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE
THE WHOLE TIME.
That's a slap in the face, to me.
Why would I want to hear about
how so and so cheated on you etc...
When you were the one who chose that
in the fkn first place?
Didn't have to.
Could have chosen differently, and didn't.
So why cry to me about it?
So I can "feel bad for you"?
Sure, I can be sympathetic...
BUT YOU MADE THAT CHOICE, DUDE!
SHOULD YOU "FEEL BAD" FOR ME?
DO I EVEN FKN WANT YOU TO?
There's a difference between "feeling bad" for someone
WHO WANTS YOU TO
AND SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T.
And as much as I could cry to anyone,
Am I? To who?
And what would they even do about it?
What are they "supposed" to do about it?
Anything?
Am I supposed to "comfort" a guy
WHO DIDN'T CHOOSE ME?
Or even himself, for that matter.
Because if he had,
he wouldn't be crying to me about her.
Or whoever else FFS.
ASK ME IF THAT'S ON MY LIST
OF THINGS I WANT TO BE DOING.
AND I'LL TELL YOU IT'S NOT.
I'd rather p*ss and sh*t myself
at the same time...
And not have a change of clothes.
That's how I feel, about that.
Would they want that?
Or would they rather p*ss and sh*t THEMSELVES?
AND NOT HAVE A CHANGE OF CLOTHES?
THAN HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THAT?
Maybe that's something THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE WHY THINK ABOUT ME, AT ALL?
I WASN'T A 'VIABLE' OPTION.
THOUGHT HE COULD DO BETTER.
SO GO DO IT. DGAF.
SHOW ME YOU KNOW HOW TO FK OFF, THOUGH.
AT LEAST DO THAT.
AT THE VERY LEAST, Y'KNOW?
Man, I guess I've had a lot to "get out."
Off my chest.
Pretty much in the only way I know how.
Still the best compliment that I helped someone
earn a free dinner
telling someone what I wrote.
Whatever that was.
At least it made some sense.
Even though I'm just writing
to get sh*t off my chest.
Because fk a lot of sh*t.
AND IF PEOPLE NEED TO HEAR IT,
THEY NEED TO.
Just they don't like hearing it from me.
If it came from anyone else, though...
Maybe they might have some sort of
SUDDEN REALIZATION.
But if they don't?
They still have to live with themselves
at the start and end of every fkn day.
REGARDLESS of what I or
anyone else intends or does or shows,
OR ANYTHING.
REGARDLESS of what they do actually realize
or don't.
Or never will...
They still have to live with themselves.
And so do I.
I have to live with myself.
REGARDLESS OF WHAT I SHOULD HAVE
REALIZED A LONG FKN TIME AGO.
BECAUSE, IF I HAD,
WHERE TF WOULD I BE, TODAY?
Probably wouldn't have "ended up" here.
Of all places.
But maybe it was to show me
BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN.
Nobody knows unless they KNOW.
You know what I mean.
I know you know what I mean.
So when I write about it,
I'M NOT EXPECTING
EVERYONE TO JUST..
UNDERSTAND.
Because they wouldn't know.
Unless they know.
That's why it's hard to "relate"
to some people.
Because maybe you can,
in some basic ways...
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO
RELATING IN THE WAYS
THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE
ALL THE DIFFERENCE
IN THE WORLD...
AND YOU CAN'T RELATE...
That's when you feel "out of place."
And often feel like putting people
EXACTLY IN THEIR PLACE.
EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT COUNTING ON
YOU DOING IT.
EVEN IF YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON
THEY EVEN EXPECTED
TO DO IT.
But I'm not doing it JUST TO DO IT.
It's because they needed for me to do it.
Or else they wouldn't have put me
in the place to even want to.
And if it's only making someone sweat it,
What they shouldn't be doing...
Or have done...
To me, but in general...
Sometimes that's all it takes.
Them waiting for me to "strie"
any time I coose to.
And not knowing if or when I will.
Shouldn't have to take that,
but sometimes it's ALL that it takes.
Mr. crack dealer sweats just looking at him.
I've seen him around a few times since then.
He pretends not to see me, but I know he does.
And he knows that I know that he does.
And he outted himself for being a piece of sh*t.
UNLESS HE CHANGES HIS WAYS.
AND STOPS BEING A PIECE OF SH*T.
AND EVEN THEN,
HE'LL ALWAYS KNOW
THAT I KNOW
THAT HE'S A PIECE OF SH*T.
FOR SELLING CRACK.
And you'd be surprised
(I don't know if I'm supposed to be surprised anymore)
what comes out of people's mouths.
AND YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT FOR ALL THAT THEY DO SAY
THERE ARE THINGS THAT THEY DON'T.
Like one dude, he was in jail
and had a leather jacket
that he traded a pimp for a hooker
to "pay for it" for what the jacket
was "worth."
WAS A TRADE FOR WHEN THEY GOT OUT.
But... Was still a trade.
And to even admit it...
To me. Of all people.
Why would I even want to know about it?
But when they know that you listen
they'll tell you all kinds of things.
Even things you never wanted to know.
Things you can't unknow.
Does it make them feel better?
To talk about it? Or something?
I don't know.
But here I am, telling you all kinds of stuff
that you probably didn't want to know
and can't unknow.
I can't decide if it "makes me feel better" or not.
I'm just writing. That's all I'm doing.
Just spewing my life at you.
For no general reason.
Just spewing like I'm throwing
boiling water on you.
Maybe it's not as bad slipping a few jokes in...
Not as bad if you learn anything.
Not as bad if you realize something.
Anything.
Or just think about something I wrote.
Again, not doing it, for that.
Not the purpose if there even is one...
But sometimes realizing things
stings like being scalded with boiling water.
Because when you realize something
you tend to realize more and more...
And suddenly those excuses for our BS
"disappear."
Because there wasn't any need for it.
Never was.
But I hear people, every day,
who won't realize that.
Because why should they think?
About anything
let alone something I said?
Coming from me?
I guess that's part of the appeal
about writing anonymously.
If they knew it was me,
WOULD THEY EVEN READ ANYTHING
OR THINK ABOUT IT?
But if I "could be" anyone other than me
they just might.
TO HANG MY HAT ON THAT, THOUGH?
Either way, not up to me
if they read anything, think about anything etc.
It's not the end of the world if they don't.
But it's not for me to wake them up, either.
It's for them TO WANT TO WAKE UP.
BECAUSE UNLESS THEY DO,
WILL THEY? EVER?
AND DO YOU HAVE THE TIME TO WAIT
FOR WHEN OR IF THEY EVER DO?
OR DO YOU STILL HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE?
That's how I feel about some people
and their mentalities.
And sometimes I think
that if they had a capacity
for a better mentality,
they'd have a better mentality.
BUT IT'S ONLY EVER BEEN
UP TO THEM, FOR THAT.
Who am I though?
Just "the new kid on the block."
That's all they know about me.
They don't need to know any more than that.
And I know that they know that they don't.
As long as we keep it that way,
no problems.
None needed, y'know?
Not here to pretend like I'm
"so much better"
because I have a different mentality.
Just I guess I'm hyper-aware of...
The mentalities going around.
Because they seem to want others
to think the way they do.
Does it matter if people think like me?
It'd be cool to reach some sort of understanding,
but I'm just happy that I don't think like that.
Sometimes it feels like I'm from
some different era.
From when others used to think like I do.
And there was understanding.
Or maybe that's something just in my own mind.
There's an open mic night thing,
at a bar around the corner...
I think I mentioned it in a recent post.
Maybe I'll wait for a while to go to it,
check it out, first.
See if it's something I might want to do.
Might not be.
Might not be the place I want to do it.
Met some people
who ruined their businesses, for me.
BY THEIR FKN ATTITUDES.
WHY DO THAT?
DON'TCHA WANT CUSTOMERS?
Places I'll probably never go to, again.
So it's not about the open mic night.
It's about if I even want to be there,
in general, or not.
BECAUSE NOBODY SAYS I EVEN HAVE TO.
OTHER PLACES TO SPEND MY MONEY.
When I even have any to spend LOL.
(Can't wipe your @ss with an open mic night).
(Not even if you p*ss and sh*t yourself at the same time
without a change of clothes).
(Not even if you trade a hooker for a leather jacket).
(Not even if you were the hooker
who got traded for a leather jacket).
Not even if anything.
Just not even if...
No exceptions to that rule. Just none.
No matter who wishes otherwise.
Or how much they wish.
Just go to an open mic night
AND SUDDENLY YOUR LIFE
JUST MAGICALLY CHANGES.
POOF! MAGIC FAIRY DUST.
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
IN YOUR FACE
WITH SNOT COMING OUT YOUR NOSE.
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EXPECT ME
TO SAY THAT OR THINK IT.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUNNY.
And I could laugh about it,
or cry about it.
And crying about it isn't going to change anything.
Laughing about it probably won't either,
but at least you're not crying about it.
And what good is crying to ME about it?
Just to have someone to cry about it TO?
Or what?
Or are you expecting me to throw
some kind of magic fairy dust in your face?
AND IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO,
IS IT BECAUSE THEY THINK
THAT IT'S MY JOB TO DO IT?
AND WHAT IF I CAN'T?
GET MAD AT ME
BECAUSE I CAN'T?
THINKING THAT I'M NOT
BECAUSE "I DON'T WANT TO."
Are you going to tell me
THAT I CAN'T FLAP MY ARMS AND FLY
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO?
BASICALLY SAYING THE SAME THING.
It's one thing to "expect" a lot from a person,
but it's another thing,
TO EXPECT WAYYY TO MUCH FROM A PERSON.
My neighbor next to me is making a lot of noise tonight.
No wonder the guy who lives below him
wants to get at him.
Even after a certain hour,
some things can wait for during the DAYTIME.
OUT OF RESPECT
FOR OTHERS WHO LIVE HERE, TOO.
Even when it comes to listening to music.
If it's a good tune, I might turn it up, a little bit,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO CRANK IT.
NOT EVERYONE APPRECIATES DANCE MIX '95.
OR ROCK OF '91 LOL.
"Go white boy, go white boy, Go!"
Vanilla Ice was da bomb back in the day.
We'd crank him up in our backyards...
Sitting on a board, nailed across
the top of the wooden fences
that they don't have anymore.
They just have HIGH chain linked fences, now.
So nobody can jump them.
Because that's what they used to do.
They'd cut through our backyard.
Until we had a monster of a dog
AND HE WAS LIKE CUJO.
And only a puppy.
We couldn't keep him, though.
He could stand on his back legs
and be able to put his front paws
on your shoulders.
A MASSIVE DOG.
Anyway, there's no jumping the new fences.
When my family moved there,
we didn't have a fence, or back windows LOL.
Our backyard was full of glass, no fence...
The bar, where the fence should have been,
I remember spinning around that.
Something I used to do at school.
I could only do it, because there was no fence,
just a bar across.
That's what it was like
WHEN WE MOVED THERE.
I went back there, before covid...
Just for nostalgia, I guess.
Things have changed.
They took out that big tree
that we played cars in the dirt underneath.
The "hill" in the middle
where we played marbles...
Gone.
I used that little hill
to get momentum
to ride my bike for the first time.
But that house, where I used to live,
was just like all the other houses...
But mine was right on the edge
of the property of the hydro company.
They had a huge, high fence
fencing off the neighborhood,
and the end of the backyard, was that fence.
I used to look out my window
at the houses
on the other side of the tracks,
because there are actual tracks, there...
AND I USED TO WONDER
WHAT IT WAS LIKE
LIVING IN ONE OF THOSE HOUSES.
IF MY LIFE WOULD BE ANY DIFFERENT.
And things seemed simpler because I had
my "rules" to follow.
And I knew there'd be consequences.
Yet, I still did the things I did, I guess.
Simpler like watching shows
on the litle black and white tv
in my grandparents' garage
where I used to chill
and look at the stuff my grandfather kept in there.
He'd hold onto a lot of stuff.
Probably where I got it from.
He had his collections.
One collection he had was wine glasses.
My grandmother had a big garage sale, once.
To clear out the garage
after my grandfather passed away.
She sold those wine glasses
for a quarter each.
My grandfather might have p*ssed and sh@t himself
if he knew she did that.
I sold my barbies.
Wish I hadn't.
Even though I had no use for them
after I outgrew them.
90s barbies are probably worth something, now.
Anyway...
This guy, next to me, is kinda getting on my nerves.
Like, cool, you're awake, dude.
DOES EVERYONE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT?
ALL NIGHT LONG?
ESPECIALLY NEXT TO YOU AND BELOW YOU?
I'm awake, too.
Does everyone need to know about it, though?
I could not be at home for all they know.
Unless they can hear me typing.
Or can somehow see if my lights are on...
Do I even need to be playing any music
after 10pm?
And 10pm is pushing it.
HEADPHONES WERE INVENTED
FOR A REASON.
MINE WORK FINE.
I even have a jack that fits into my stereo
that I can fit my headphones into.
It's pretty cool.
Anyways, keeping to myself
means I don't have to be around people
who have a type of mentality
that... Doesn't sit well with me.
THIS IS WHY I LIKE MY TIME, TO MYSELF.
NOT JUST TO BE AWAY FROM IT,
BUT TO JUST... BE IN MY OWN HEAD.
Maybe not a lot goes on, in my own head...
BUT BY THE THINGS I HEAR AND SEE
I DON'T FKN WANT TO BE IN THEIRS.
And that's putting it as lightly as I can put it.
Just to be "polite" about it.
And if their excuses are so important to them,
they can have them and be about them...
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M HERE FOR IT,
THOUGH.
I made enough of my own excuses, for years.
I excused my drinking,
I excused my ignorance.
I excused myself
from being a decent human being.
AND I SEE PEOPLE DOING IT.
ALL AROUND ME.
ALL THE TIME.
And they don't have to do it.
Honestly, I set the bar so low for myself.
But raising it, too high...
And then beating myself up for not meeting that...
Those high expectations of myself...
BUT WOULD MY LIFE BE ANY BETTER?
IF I PUSHED MYSELF ANY FURTHER?
WOULD I EVEN BE ABLE TO DO IT?
Does anyone else ask themselves that?
Or any of the same questions?
Something tells me that I probably
don't want to know why they choose not to.
"Sometimes it's better not to know why."
Someone told me that.
And even if you knew why...
WOULD THAT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?
WOULD IT AUTO-MAGICALLY CHANGE ANYTHING?
JUST KNOWING WHY?
OR WOULD IT JUST BE AN EXCUSE, TOO?
REALLY FEELING IT IS BAD ENOUGH.
SOMETIMES EVEN WORSE.
THAN DOING ANYTHING ELSE.
Because when they really feel it,
THEY HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT,
AND LIVE WITH THEMSELVES.
which is fkn hard to do.
Much harder than when they were
ALL ABOUT THEIR BS
AND EXCUSES FOR THEIR BS.
And some people "can't take" that.
And they'd rather feel "nothing"
than to really feel it.
But after really feeling it
you can't go back to not feeling anything.
Because it gets to the point,
or can get to the point
that it's all you can feel.
And when that happens...
It seems to overshadow the reasons
for even being alive.
For some.
UNLESS something's done
about really feeling it.
Because you can either "really feel it"
for the rest of your life
OR YOU CAN TAKE WHAT IT TAUGHT YOU.
AND DO SOMETHING WITH THAT.
WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT
IN "REALLY FEELING IT."
THE POINT ISN'T JUST TO FEEL IT.
And I observe who people present themselves to be.
The choices they choose to make
for the reasons they chose that.
AND WHETHER OR NOT
THEY EVER REALLY FEEL IT
ISN'T UP TO ME.
not even up to me to "make them sweat."
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR OWN JOB.
REALIZING THAT THEY WOULD SWEAT IT
AND WHY THEY'D SWEAT IT.
AND THUS NOT DOING IT.
but doesn't seem to stop them.
If someone's addicted to wrecking themselves
and every chance they ever get for anything,
YOU'LL ONLY GET THROUGH TO THEM
IF THEY WANT YOU TO.
Just like they'd listen to you,
if they want to.
They'll think about what you say,
if they want to.
They'll think about their choices,
if they want to.
Not much you can do if they don't.
Wait around for when they do?
Just in case they do? LOL.
Done that too many times.
Maybe they'll stop to think, one day
WHY YOU GOT FED TF UP.
Because even THE MOST PATIENT PEOPLE
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
ONLY HAVE ENOUGH PATIENCE.
AND IT OFTEN WEARS VERY FKN THIN.
EVEN RUNS OUT.
NOBODY MISSES THE WATER
UNTIL THE WELL RUNS DRY.
Often have to let them have
what they thought they wanted.
To let them see that's not what they wanted.
BUT DON'T DARE COME BACK TO ME
CRYING ABOUT IT
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE
THE WHOLE TIME.
That's a slap in the face, to me.
Why would I want to hear about
how so and so cheated on you etc...
When you were the one who chose that
in the fkn first place?
Didn't have to.
Could have chosen differently, and didn't.
So why cry to me about it?
So I can "feel bad for you"?
Sure, I can be sympathetic...
BUT YOU MADE THAT CHOICE, DUDE!
SHOULD YOU "FEEL BAD" FOR ME?
DO I EVEN FKN WANT YOU TO?
There's a difference between "feeling bad" for someone
WHO WANTS YOU TO
AND SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T.
And as much as I could cry to anyone,
Am I? To who?
And what would they even do about it?
What are they "supposed" to do about it?
Anything?
Am I supposed to "comfort" a guy
WHO DIDN'T CHOOSE ME?
Or even himself, for that matter.
Because if he had,
he wouldn't be crying to me about her.
Or whoever else FFS.
ASK ME IF THAT'S ON MY LIST
OF THINGS I WANT TO BE DOING.
AND I'LL TELL YOU IT'S NOT.
I'd rather p*ss and sh*t myself
at the same time...
And not have a change of clothes.
That's how I feel, about that.
Would they want that?
Or would they rather p*ss and sh*t THEMSELVES?
AND NOT HAVE A CHANGE OF CLOTHES?
THAN HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THAT?
Maybe that's something THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE WHY THINK ABOUT ME, AT ALL?
I WASN'T A 'VIABLE' OPTION.
THOUGHT HE COULD DO BETTER.
SO GO DO IT. DGAF.
SHOW ME YOU KNOW HOW TO FK OFF, THOUGH.
AT LEAST DO THAT.
AT THE VERY LEAST, Y'KNOW?
Man, I guess I've had a lot to "get out."
Off my chest.
Pretty much in the only way I know how.
Still the best compliment that I helped someone
earn a free dinner
telling someone what I wrote.
Whatever that was.
At least it made some sense.
Even though I'm just writing
to get sh*t off my chest.
Because fk a lot of sh*t.
AND IF PEOPLE NEED TO HEAR IT,
THEY NEED TO.
Just they don't like hearing it from me.
If it came from anyone else, though...
Maybe they might have some sort of
SUDDEN REALIZATION.
But if they don't?
They still have to live with themselves
at the start and end of every fkn day.
REGARDLESS of what I or
anyone else intends or does or shows,
OR ANYTHING.
REGARDLESS of what they do actually realize
or don't.
Or never will...
They still have to live with themselves.
And so do I.
I have to live with myself.
REGARDLESS OF WHAT I SHOULD HAVE
REALIZED A LONG FKN TIME AGO.
BECAUSE, IF I HAD,
WHERE TF WOULD I BE, TODAY?
Probably wouldn't have "ended up" here.
Of all places.
But maybe it was to show me
BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN.
Nobody knows unless they KNOW.
You know what I mean.
I know you know what I mean.
So when I write about it,
I'M NOT EXPECTING
EVERYONE TO JUST..
UNDERSTAND.
Because they wouldn't know.
Unless they know.
That's why it's hard to "relate"
to some people.
Because maybe you can,
in some basic ways...
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO
RELATING IN THE WAYS
THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE
ALL THE DIFFERENCE
IN THE WORLD...
AND YOU CAN'T RELATE...
That's when you feel "out of place."
And often feel like putting people
EXACTLY IN THEIR PLACE.
EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT COUNTING ON
YOU DOING IT.
EVEN IF YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON
THEY EVEN EXPECTED
TO DO IT.
But I'm not doing it JUST TO DO IT.
It's because they needed for me to do it.
Or else they wouldn't have put me
in the place to even want to.
And if it's only making someone sweat it,
What they shouldn't be doing...
Or have done...
To me, but in general...
Sometimes that's all it takes.
Them waiting for me to "strie"
any time I coose to.
And not knowing if or when I will.
Shouldn't have to take that,
but sometimes it's ALL that it takes.
Mr. crack dealer sweats just looking at him.
I've seen him around a few times since then.
He pretends not to see me, but I know he does.
And he knows that I know that he does.
And he outted himself for being a piece of sh*t.
UNLESS HE CHANGES HIS WAYS.
AND STOPS BEING A PIECE OF SH*T.
AND EVEN THEN,
HE'LL ALWAYS KNOW
THAT I KNOW
THAT HE'S A PIECE OF SH*T.
FOR SELLING CRACK.
And you'd be surprised
(I don't know if I'm supposed to be surprised anymore)
what comes out of people's mouths.
AND YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT FOR ALL THAT THEY DO SAY
THERE ARE THINGS THAT THEY DON'T.
Like one dude, he was in jail
and had a leather jacket
that he traded a pimp for a hooker
to "pay for it" for what the jacket
was "worth."
WAS A TRADE FOR WHEN THEY GOT OUT.
But... Was still a trade.
And to even admit it...
To me. Of all people.
Why would I even want to know about it?
But when they know that you listen
they'll tell you all kinds of things.
Even things you never wanted to know.
Things you can't unknow.
Does it make them feel better?
To talk about it? Or something?
I don't know.
But here I am, telling you all kinds of stuff
that you probably didn't want to know
and can't unknow.
I can't decide if it "makes me feel better" or not.
I'm just writing. That's all I'm doing.
Just spewing my life at you.
For no general reason.
Just spewing like I'm throwing
boiling water on you.
Maybe it's not as bad slipping a few jokes in...
Not as bad if you learn anything.
Not as bad if you realize something.
Anything.
Or just think about something I wrote.
Again, not doing it, for that.
Not the purpose if there even is one...
But sometimes realizing things
stings like being scalded with boiling water.
Because when you realize something
you tend to realize more and more...
And suddenly those excuses for our BS
"disappear."
Because there wasn't any need for it.
Never was.
But I hear people, every day,
who won't realize that.
Because why should they think?
About anything
let alone something I said?
Coming from me?
I guess that's part of the appeal
about writing anonymously.
If they knew it was me,
WOULD THEY EVEN READ ANYTHING
OR THINK ABOUT IT?
But if I "could be" anyone other than me
they just might.
TO HANG MY HAT ON THAT, THOUGH?
Either way, not up to me
if they read anything, think about anything etc.
It's not the end of the world if they don't.
But it's not for me to wake them up, either.
It's for them TO WANT TO WAKE UP.
BECAUSE UNLESS THEY DO,
WILL THEY? EVER?
AND DO YOU HAVE THE TIME TO WAIT
FOR WHEN OR IF THEY EVER DO?
OR DO YOU STILL HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE?
That's how I feel about some people
and their mentalities.
And sometimes I think
that if they had a capacity
for a better mentality,
they'd have a better mentality.
BUT IT'S ONLY EVER BEEN
UP TO THEM, FOR THAT.
Who am I though?
Just "the new kid on the block."
That's all they know about me.
They don't need to know any more than that.
And I know that they know that they don't.
As long as we keep it that way,
no problems.
None needed, y'know?
Not here to pretend like I'm
"so much better"
because I have a different mentality.
Just I guess I'm hyper-aware of...
The mentalities going around.
Because they seem to want others
to think the way they do.
Does it matter if people think like me?
It'd be cool to reach some sort of understanding,
but I'm just happy that I don't think like that.
Sometimes it feels like I'm from
some different era.
From when others used to think like I do.
And there was understanding.
Or maybe that's something just in my own mind.
There's an open mic night thing,
at a bar around the corner...
I think I mentioned it in a recent post.
Maybe I'll wait for a while to go to it,
check it out, first.
See if it's something I might want to do.
Might not be.
Might not be the place I want to do it.
Met some people
who ruined their businesses, for me.
BY THEIR FKN ATTITUDES.
WHY DO THAT?
DON'TCHA WANT CUSTOMERS?
Places I'll probably never go to, again.
So it's not about the open mic night.
It's about if I even want to be there,
in general, or not.
BECAUSE NOBODY SAYS I EVEN HAVE TO.
OTHER PLACES TO SPEND MY MONEY.
When I even have any to spend LOL.
(Can't wipe your @ss with an open mic night).
(Not even if you p*ss and sh*t yourself at the same time
without a change of clothes).
(Not even if you trade a hooker for a leather jacket).
(Not even if you were the hooker
who got traded for a leather jacket).
Not even if anything.
Just not even if...
No exceptions to that rule. Just none.
No matter who wishes otherwise.
Or how much they wish.
Just go to an open mic night
AND SUDDENLY YOUR LIFE
JUST MAGICALLY CHANGES.
POOF! MAGIC FAIRY DUST.
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
IN YOUR FACE
WITH SNOT COMING OUT YOUR NOSE.
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EXPECT ME
TO SAY THAT OR THINK IT.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUNNY.
And I could laugh about it,
or cry about it.
And crying about it isn't going to change anything.
Laughing about it probably won't either,
but at least you're not crying about it.
And what good is crying to ME about it?
Just to have someone to cry about it TO?
Or what?
Or are you expecting me to throw
some kind of magic fairy dust in your face?
AND IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO,
IS IT BECAUSE THEY THINK
THAT IT'S MY JOB TO DO IT?
AND WHAT IF I CAN'T?
GET MAD AT ME
BECAUSE I CAN'T?
THINKING THAT I'M NOT
BECAUSE "I DON'T WANT TO."
Are you going to tell me
THAT I CAN'T FLAP MY ARMS AND FLY
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO?
BASICALLY SAYING THE SAME THING.
It's one thing to "expect" a lot from a person,
but it's another thing,
TO EXPECT WAYYY TO MUCH FROM A PERSON.
My neighbor next to me is making a lot of noise tonight.
No wonder the guy who lives below him
wants to get at him.
Even after a certain hour,
some things can wait for during the DAYTIME.
OUT OF RESPECT
FOR OTHERS WHO LIVE HERE, TOO.
Even when it comes to listening to music.
If it's a good tune, I might turn it up, a little bit,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO CRANK IT.
NOT EVERYONE APPRECIATES DANCE MIX '95.
OR ROCK OF '91 LOL.
"Go white boy, go white boy, Go!"
Vanilla Ice was da bomb back in the day.
We'd crank him up in our backyards...
Sitting on a board, nailed across
the top of the wooden fences
that they don't have anymore.
They just have HIGH chain linked fences, now.
So nobody can jump them.
Because that's what they used to do.
They'd cut through our backyard.
Until we had a monster of a dog
AND HE WAS LIKE CUJO.
And only a puppy.
We couldn't keep him, though.
He could stand on his back legs
and be able to put his front paws
on your shoulders.
A MASSIVE DOG.
Anyway, there's no jumping the new fences.
When my family moved there,
we didn't have a fence, or back windows LOL.
Our backyard was full of glass, no fence...
The bar, where the fence should have been,
I remember spinning around that.
Something I used to do at school.
I could only do it, because there was no fence,
just a bar across.
That's what it was like
WHEN WE MOVED THERE.
I went back there, before covid...
Just for nostalgia, I guess.
Things have changed.
They took out that big tree
that we played cars in the dirt underneath.
The "hill" in the middle
where we played marbles...
Gone.
I used that little hill
to get momentum
to ride my bike for the first time.
But that house, where I used to live,
was just like all the other houses...
But mine was right on the edge
of the property of the hydro company.
They had a huge, high fence
fencing off the neighborhood,
and the end of the backyard, was that fence.
I used to look out my window
at the houses
on the other side of the tracks,
because there are actual tracks, there...
AND I USED TO WONDER
WHAT IT WAS LIKE
LIVING IN ONE OF THOSE HOUSES.
IF MY LIFE WOULD BE ANY DIFFERENT.
And things seemed simpler because I had
my "rules" to follow.
And I knew there'd be consequences.
Yet, I still did the things I did, I guess.
Simpler like watching shows
on the litle black and white tv
in my grandparents' garage
where I used to chill
and look at the stuff my grandfather kept in there.
He'd hold onto a lot of stuff.
Probably where I got it from.
He had his collections.
One collection he had was wine glasses.
My grandmother had a big garage sale, once.
To clear out the garage
after my grandfather passed away.
She sold those wine glasses
for a quarter each.
My grandfather might have p*ssed and sh@t himself
if he knew she did that.
I sold my barbies.
Wish I hadn't.
Even though I had no use for them
after I outgrew them.
90s barbies are probably worth something, now.
Anyway...
This guy, next to me, is kinda getting on my nerves.
Like, cool, you're awake, dude.
DOES EVERYONE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT?
ALL NIGHT LONG?
ESPECIALLY NEXT TO YOU AND BELOW YOU?
I'm awake, too.
Does everyone need to know about it, though?
I could not be at home for all they know.
Unless they can hear me typing.
Or can somehow see if my lights are on...
Do I even need to be playing any music
after 10pm?
And 10pm is pushing it.
HEADPHONES WERE INVENTED
FOR A REASON.
MINE WORK FINE.
I even have a jack that fits into my stereo
that I can fit my headphones into.
It's pretty cool.
Anyways, keeping to myself
means I don't have to be around people
who have a type of mentality
that... Doesn't sit well with me.
THIS IS WHY I LIKE MY TIME, TO MYSELF.
NOT JUST TO BE AWAY FROM IT,
BUT TO JUST... BE IN MY OWN HEAD.
Maybe not a lot goes on, in my own head...
BUT BY THE THINGS I HEAR AND SEE
I DON'T FKN WANT TO BE IN THEIRS.
And that's putting it as lightly as I can put it.
Just to be "polite" about it.
And if their excuses are so important to them,
they can have them and be about them...
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M HERE FOR IT,
THOUGH.
I made enough of my own excuses, for years.
I excused my drinking,
I excused my ignorance.
I excused myself
from being a decent human being.
AND I SEE PEOPLE DOING IT.
ALL AROUND ME.
ALL THE TIME.
And they don't have to do it.
Honestly, I set the bar so low for myself.
But raising it, too high...
And then beating myself up for not meeting that...
Those high expectations of myself...
BUT WOULD MY LIFE BE ANY BETTER?
IF I PUSHED MYSELF ANY FURTHER?
WOULD I EVEN BE ABLE TO DO IT?
Does anyone else ask themselves that?
Or any of the same questions?
Something tells me that I probably
don't want to know why they choose not to.
"Sometimes it's better not to know why."
Someone told me that.
And even if you knew why...
WOULD THAT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?
WOULD IT AUTO-MAGICALLY CHANGE ANYTHING?
JUST KNOWING WHY?
OR WOULD IT JUST BE AN EXCUSE, TOO?
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