Wet & Gross

 Yesterday, I was warned that it was supposed to rain. 
I went outside
and the "usual characters"
were outside, smoking. 

Someone wanted to buy a cigarette from me, 
but I don't smoke them anymore.

I'm glad I quit. 
They look at me wen I tell them that I don't smoke
as though I do, but don't want to sell them a smoke.

Not everyone smokes!
Besides, the price of "legal" cigarettes are high, now.

When I was a kid, my mom 
used to send me to the store with $5
and a note from her.

The "clerk" would call her up
(number on the note)
she gave her permission for him
to sell me the smokes.

And I got to buy some chips with the change.

Now, they won't sell to anyone under 19 years old.

Gone are the days that smokes cost less than $5.
And the days that it only took a note
and permission over the phone.

Just bugs me, just a tad, how they look at me
when I say I don't smoke.

Or they expect me to have a cell phone
because EVERYONE has one.

Here are a few reasons:

1) They are freaking expensive.

If I broke it or lost it, I couldn't just replace it.

2) They give me a bit of a headache.

Not just trying to use them, talking on them.

3) Having a house phone means:

I can just use it when I need to make calls.
I can't lose it. And if I drop it, it doesn't crack or break!

Make sense?

It really bugs me that I'm "supposed" to have one.
JUST TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
F*CK THAT.

It bugs me because they expect me to.
BECAUSE "EVERYONE" HAS ONE.

THEY CAN SHOVE THEIRS UP THEIR @SS.

(Not everyone, just the ones who expect me to have one).

I'm the kind of person who LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW
ON THE BUS.

NOT STARING AT A SCREEN.
IF I WANT TO STARE AT A SCREEN, 
I CAN GET ON THE COMPUTER, 
AT HOME.

I saw a video where a guy was taking off, 
in his car, a cop hanging on to the door...
The guy speeding.
Wouldn't stop. 
Could have k*lled the cop.
So the cop sh0t him. 

The guy's nephew was in the car.
HIS UNCLE LITERALLY GOT SH0T
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

AND HE WAS MORE CONCERNED
ABOUT HIS PHONE!

AND THE KID WAS LIKE 6 YEARS OLD.

WTF DOES A 6 YEAR OLD NEED A CELL PHONE FOR?

And I see little kids acting up (screaming etc)
just so the parents will give them the phone FFS.
AND THEY DO IT.
THE KID IS BEING TAUGHT
THAT ALL THEY HAVE TO DO
IS BE A LITTLE SH*T
TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.
AND THAT SH*T DOESN'T STOP.
EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FKN ADULTS.

They don't even talk with their kids anymore FFS.

When I was on the bus with my son, 
when he was little, we'd talk. 

Even played "the alphabet game."

He got to pick whatever letter he wanted
and we just said whatever word came to mind
that started with that letter.

Pretty simple game.
No winner, no loser, 
just a thinking "game."

And you'd be surprised at what words
that they can come up with, on their own.

"Good one!" Encourage them.

Why stare at a screen EVERYWHERE YOU GO?

I heard it's so bad that people have WALKED INTO TRAFFIC
NOT PAYING ATTENTION
BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY
LOOKING AT THEIR FKN PHONE!!!

In Japan, they put the traffic lights on the ground. 
BECAUSE OF THIS.

PRETTY FKN SAD.

Some people can't even take a sh*t without their phone FFS.

And kids begging for their parents' attention
WHO ARE TOO BUSY ON THEIR PHONE.
FOR THEIR KIDS TO EVEN TALK TO THEM!!!

I read a notice about it at a primary school. 
About kids wanting to show their parents
something they did at school
and the parents couldn't be bothered
to pay them any attention
because their screens had all their attention. 

KIDS ARE ONLY GOING TO BE KIDS
FOR A LIMITED TIME.

MAKE THE MOST OF THAT TIME.
IT GOES BY FAST.

AND THEY REMEMBER THINGS
YOU MIGHT THINK THEY WOULDN'T.

Honestly, I had a pretty bad internet addicton
when I was in college.

When I should have been focused on other things.

I went without internet for 6 months, once.
I think I wrote about that recently...

WITHOUT THE INTERNET
PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY USED TO DO
BEFORE IT "EXISTED"
BEFORE THEY GOT "ADDICTED."

It's so bad that it's like taking away crack
from a crackhead.

Actually, probably worse than that. Sadly.

Saying this, while using the internet to post this...

It can either be used as a toy or a tool. 
Most people use it as a toy. 

Giving it to their kids like a toy. 

When I was a kid, we actually played with toys.

We (neighborhood girls and I) used to play barbies
on each other's door steps. 

And we'd collect and trade "stickers"
looking through each others' "sticker books"
which was just a photo album with stickers in it.
The film that protected the photos
protecting our "stickers."

They had those "scratch and sniff" stickers.
You'd scratch it to "release" some scent.

And they had "fuzzy" stickers.
My favorite ones were the "shiny" ones.

I don't know what happened to my sticker book. 
I had some cool ones in it.

And we used to climb trees, build forts...

We had huge games of hide and go seek.
Around the neighborhood.

And we used to play hide and go seek IN THE DARK.

It was like regular hide and go seek, but in the dark. 
Usually in someone's basement where it could get dark. 

Lights off, more "places" to hide and you could move around
from spot to spot without being seen... 

Those are the types of things we used to do.

We had a "spinning platform thing"
The ones that we could get spinning really fast
and we'd have to hold on
or we'd fall off of it.

Anyway, we had a game where we used a popsicle stick
and we had to try to pick it up while spinning on that thing.

Whoever actually was able to pick it up
was the one who got to drop it
and we'd go again. 

We had these popsicles that had "points"
on the stick and we could use the "points"
for stuff. 

And Kool-aid used to have kool-aid points.
And you could save them up to get stuff. 

The popsicles were "Popsicle Pete" popsicles.
I haven't seen any for a long time.

They had chocolate and banana flavors.
I never really cared for the chocolate flavored ones, 
but the banana ones were decent.

I don't know if Popsicle Pete was only in Canada or not.

We also had a dude drive a cart into the neighborhood
to sell ice creams and popsicles.
Called "Dickie Dee."

My brother's bed time was around the time
that the "Dickie Dee" guy came
and when he heard the bells, 
he'd litteraly be "convulsing"
because he wanted one THAT BAD.

Once, I got a bart simpson poster for my birthday.
I guess my brother got jealous or something
because he took a marker
and scribbled on it and BIT me.

We were kids, but still. 

But, those were "the days"
in the 90's... When neon colors
were all "the rage."
I saw that they were trying to "bring them back"
but it didn't really take off like they'd hoped.

Neon blue... I used to have neon blue stockings.
I loved them. I don't know what happened to them. 

Anyway, there was a store at the mall
(it's gone now. It's some bath soaps and whatnot shop now).

I bought them, there.

The store that used to be a toy store is gone, too. 

Toys R Us... Mostly closed down. 
The only place I saw still open in O-town
is at the east shopping mall. 

Near where I used to work. 

Also, pretty sure that's the last mall
to have a movie theater in it.

Most of the movie theaters are gone.

There was a drive-in theater near where I used to live. 
I went, once, with my folks as a kid. 
In their old station wagon LOL. 

I forget what movie we saw, but O-town
got rid of that and they have a theater there, now, 
but an indoor one, with 6 theaters in it.

And they started selling alcohol in it.
Nothing like drunken idiots
ruining a movie, right?

They also started selling alcohol
at corner stores and gas stations.

Okay, fine, corner stores...
Like they do in Quebec, 

BUT GAS STATIONS?

IT'S PRACTICALLY ENCOURAGING
DRINKING AND DRIVING FFS.

THAT bugs me.

And even grocery stores sell booze, now. 
Never used to be like that, here.

It was just sold at LCBO or the beer store.
And at restaurants you could have a beer
or something with your meal, 

but we couldn't get it
at a corner store, grocery store, or gas station. 

Definitely not at a gas station ffs.

But this is what it has come to. 

And intelligence, learning though playing... 
That doesn't happen much anymore.

No coming home when the "street lights" came on. 
BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE ALREADY AT HOME
BECAUSE THEY'D RATHER BE STARING AT A SCREEN
THAN PLAYING WITH THEIR PEERS.

There used to be a "forest" near where I lived as a kid. 
It was across the street from my "project."
Yes, I've lived in a "project."

The "project"'s still there. Just worse now.
My brother said:
"It's more violence, less cars on fire."

Not like he could really remember much of it.
We moved when he was still a baby.

Partly because my mother got attacked
and beat up by people screaming racism FFS.

We had enough of all that sh*t
and moved out of there.

But that's where and how I grew up.
On H-Block. That's what they call it, now.

A LOT of sh*t going on there.
One of the worst places to live...

As far as neighborhoods go. 
A rival of another neighborhood not far from it.

As far as buildings go, this one
is supposedly the worst in the city.

Next to one that's not far away.

The one that has "risers" holding up 
the balconies FFS.

I saw that the other day
and thought: "Wooooooow!"

Time to just take them down
and put up new ones
that'll stand the test of time.

I found a couple of spots to put bird food. 
They found one of the spots.

I put the seeds at a location
that puts them "out of the way."
Seems people are freaking mean af.

Can't pigeons just exist?
Do they hurt anyone?

Sure they are messy, 
BUT SO ARE WE.

OUR SPECIES CRAP
IN FKN ELEVATORS FFS.

Y'KNOW?

It bugs me, people being mean to animals.
Saying this while I still eat meat...
But you get what I mean. 

Pigeons are probably smarter
than a lot of people on this planet.

BECAUSE THEY COULD JUST
GANG UP ON US
AND PECK OUR EYES OUT, 
BUT THEY DON'T. 

SO THEY SHOULD JUST BE ALLOWED
TO JUST EXIST.

THEY LET US EXIST.
WHY CAN'T WE LET THEM?

Anyway, that's how I feel about them. 

I found a couple of spots
where I saw them looking for food. 

And it's off the sidewalk
so they won't be in anyone's "way."

EVER STOP TO THINK
THAT PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY
IN THEIR "WAY" ?

Just ask a MOOSE.

THEY DON'T TAKE ANYONE'S SH*T.

They'd turn you into a puddle
faster than you could even blink. 

They don't waste any time
if they want YOU out of THEIR way. 

Or if you are just being stupidly ignorant. 
About them, to them, or just in general. 

"WTF! Are you trying to PET me?
Like I'm a dog or something?"

They hate that sh*t.

They'll only let you close
IF THEY WANT TO.

IF THEY DON'T, 
THEY WILL MAKE IT KNOWN. 

AND IT ONLY TAKES ONCE TO LEARN
NOT TO F*CK WITH A MOOSE.

I saw a video with a bear getting chased by a moose.
The bear even tried to go through a window
to get away from the moose.

They have those antlers for a reason. 
Not to just "look cool."

But, p*ss one off, they will show you
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T.

IF THEY AREN'T AFRAID OF BEARS
DO YOU THINK THEY ARE AFRAID OF US?

Ever seen how big they can get?
Probably outweighs a car, by a lot. 

I saw a video of a moose attacking a dude.
The moose broke the dude's legs.

And probably knew what it was doing, too.
Wasn't "Whoops! I broke your legs!"
"So sorry about that!"

Moose do not give a f*ck. 

Humans have sh0t them, eaten them, 
build stuff on their "turfs" etc.

Not like they want to be our friends.

Anyway, Public Announcement:
Don't f*ck with moose!
Or a moose will f*ck with you, 
AND WIN!

BY A LANDSLIDE.

The weather's just wet, cold, and gross, today. 
It's a "stay at home" kind of day. 

Stay at home and drink tea.

"Make tea, not war."
Something like that.

I ran out of my "fruit tea."
I'm drinking the tea I got for Christmas.

Yes, I got tea for Christmas.
And a cool tea cup.

It's good quality tea, 
just not the fruit tea that I like.

Buying toilet paper trumps buying tea.
If you know, you know.

Pretty much all I can say about that.
What is there to say about that?

Priorities.

Hard to wipe your @ss
with a teabag LOL.

That dude, who tried to sell me crack...
Pretty sure I saw him yesterday.

He knows that I know
that he sells crack. 

Gets nervous when he sees me.
I size him up, 
but would be wasting my breath
saying anything to him. 

BUT HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW.
WHICH SEEMS TO MAKE HIM SWEAT.

AND SO HE FKN SHOULD!
BASTARD!

Just casually asked me
IF I WANTED TO BUY CRACK FFS.
WHO FKN DOES THAT?

AND WHAT IF I'D BEEN AN OFF DUTY COP?
wouldn't THAT suck for him?

I feel like going to them and saying:
If I find out who's been dealing CRACK
around here...

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

There was someone telling me
that last summer, he saw a junkie
laying on the ground at the loading bay
for the grocery store
with a needle in each arm, 
foaming at the mouth, convulsing. 
Overdosing.
And people walking by, 
not giving a f*ck
that the guy's still a fkn human being FFS.

That's how bad it is.
And people trying to act
like that wasn't even happening.

Walking by him, 
like it was just a normal fkn day.

-----------------

A neighbor dropped by
to smoke one with me.

And we talked about phones.
I've got an old one I'd prefer
to the one that won't hold a charge.

I've got my phone through VOIP.

Always had a hardline.
Hardlines are the most reliable.

My neighbor asked me if I wanted
to go to the church 
because they are serving super there.

It was pretty good. 

Lots of protein, healthy.

It's a judgement free zone.
With staff, there.

They even give free haircuts
on Wednesdays.

I wasn't looking around, all that much, 
but it is like a community type of center
at the church and they serve a meal and a drink.
Coffee or tea.

I went there, once before.
When I was 14.

I'll admit I "tried" crack. 
And the person who offered it
shouldn't have offered it.

I was a stupid 14 year old. 
I mentioned it to someone.
He told me to go pack up my stuff
and to go with me back to his place
where I just got it out of my system
laid low for a couple of weeks. 

During that time, he helped me out.

WHICH IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO
FOR FKN MIRROR BREAKER.

But anyway, unless someone wants the help
AND TAKES IT FOR WHAT IT IS.
A CHANCE TO
WHATEVER ELSE YOU NEED TO DO.

THEN, IT'S A BUNCH OF WASTED TIME.

We had some laughs over at the church.
We ran into the guy I sold the bicycle lock
and pump to, so he came with us. 

And then he said:

"He told me there was something
outside waiting for me
and when I went to go check
there wasn't anything there."

I guess he was talking about someone
my neighbor know. He seems to know everyone.

Anyway, my neighbor says:

"Just a bucket full of fresh air 
and to think they didn't charge you for it!"

Canadian humor is kind of like a Brit type humor, 
but of its own kind. 

Hard to explain. 

Like... That show....
Where they had these two
stereo-typical Canadian guys...
A comedy show...

If you know the name of the show, 
drop me a comment to clue me in, 
please.

And the guy said to my neighbor
that he has a tomahawk of a nose LOL.

Never heard it ever put that way. 

I was telling my neighbor on the way back
that I don't know what it is about this city
but there are way too many
WTF moments.

Like that guy asking me if I want to buy crack. 
Just casually. In passing. 

Don't know if you're a crackhead or not,
but if you are, I want your money.

Pretty much, just in your face, 
like that.

He didn't say it, 
but he didn't have to.

Asking me if I want to buy any
IS PRETTY MUCH SAYING
EXACTLY THAT.

So I was speculating to my neighbor
why he would ask me that...

And I speculated "Maybe I walk like a crackhead" LOL.
And my neighbor says "No you don't, you're upright!!!!"

I laughed so hard that snot came out my nose.

He's good with thinking something funny
on the spot, he adds to what I said
but makes a joke about it
and he's pretty funny. 

"There was nothing but a bucket of fresh air."
"And they didn't even charge you for it, it was FREE."

But, yeah, the drugs are crazy. 
In this part of town, it's nuts.

And summer hasn't started, yet. 

A lot of... Just everything.
If you can think it, 
it probably happened more than a few times, LOL.

The only thing I can say, in our defense, 
there isn't lots of sh00tings, here.

The average Canadian doesn't have a gun. 
And we're okay with not having one. 

I guess we'd rather throw down.
Broken noses...

I broke a guy's nose, once.
It was the first time I ever punched ANYONE.

The guy was yelling stuff at me
at school.

"Kindergarden baby etc."
I was in the first grade, 
not kindergarden anymore
but he just wouldn't shut up.

So I waited until we were 
going back into the school, 
because I knew he'd be
RIGHT BEHIND ME
WHICH HE WAS
SO I TURNED AROUND
AND POPPED HIM ONE
IN THE FACE
AND BROKE HIS NOSE.

AND I SAID: "WHO'S THE BABY NOW?"
WHEN HE STARTED CRYING.

And, got my first school expension.
For two weeks.

My mom wasn't pleased lol. 

BUT IT SHUT THAT SH*T UP.
HE LEFT ME ALONE
AFTER THAT.

But yeah, I guess he got "the message."
Loud and clear LOL.

"In his face" LOL.

Anyway, I was how old? 7?
Something like that.

He was much older than me.
He was in the 5th or 6th grade. 

I didn't hear anyone talking about me
at the school when I did that
I guess maybe they were
while I was on "suspension."

You still have to do the work at home.
It's not an exemption
just a temporary suspension.

The only school I got kicked out from
was that stupid art school
that I wanted to go to so bad
that I had an interview to go to it
because that's what they did, 
just to get into it.

I was trying to get in for literary arts program. 
I remember getting the stupid rejection letter
from that stupid school
but I got to go, anyway
because they had something called
THE SPECIAL SUPPORT UNIT.

AND I SWEAR I HAD TEACHERS
"MAKING SURE"
THAT I WENT TO MY CLASSES.

THEY WERE REALLY IN MY FACE 
ABOUT IT

AS THOUGH I WASN'T GOING TO
OR SOMETHING. 

BEFORE THEY KICKED ME OUT.

Anyway, I had art class with who other than
MIRROR SMASHER.

And I was in his brother's home room class.

And when I saw his brother after all these years...
He said to me: "You're the only one
who never made me feel like an idiot."

Why would I do that?
Make someone feel like an idiot?

I've been an idiot. 
Who's an idiot to judge someone else
for also being an idiot?

But I guess he meant about
how other people treated him
vs how I treated him. 

It wasn't because he was MIRROR SMASHER'S brother, 
he's a decent dude when he's not being an idiot, I guess.

And who am I to look down on ANYONE?

WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO ME
TO BE THAT WAY?
TO THINK LIKE THAT?

NONE. 
WOULDN'T DO ME ANY GOOD
TO BE LIKE THAT, 
TO THINK LIKE THAT.

I JUST SIT BACK
AND OBSERVE HOW PEOPLE ARE
AS THEY ARE.

NOBODY OWES IT TO ME
TO BE WHO I WISH THEY'D BE.

AND SAME GOES FOR EVERYONE. 

"To all the world."

If that were the case, things would be different.
I'd have zero reasons to ever be
LIVID.

AND EVEN WHEN I AM
I'VE BEEN KEEPING IT TOGETHER PRETTY WELL. 

SO WELL NOBODY COULD EVER GUESS ANY OF IT.

AND WHY SHOULD I TELL ANYONE?

would they listen to understand
my point of view
or would they
only look at it from theirs?

And people sometimes jump to conclusions.

An American guy I kept in touch with...

He's a coder, like me.

So we have that in common. 

I've been kinda MIA for a while
while I moved and until now, I guess.

He said that he hoped that it wasn't that
I didn't want to talk to him because of Trump etc...

Because I was MIA for a while LOL.

Nobody on either side of that border
can help or had any choice which country
they were born in. 

And I wouldn't judge a person
based on the actions of someone else.

Although I'm proud to be a Canadian, 
could have been born as an American
as someone else
or in any country, y'know?

Just happened the way it happened
for all of us to exist.

Regardless where we were born. 

That south American guy who stayed with me, 
it took a long time for him to tell me
what country he was from
and forever reason
he thought that I would be mad at him
if he told me where he was from. 

He's from Chile. 

He had a bad infection and he had to get
antibioticcs. 

So we went to the hospital
and I snuck a peek at his passport. 

It took him a year and a half biking and hitch hiking up through
America to get here, to Canada.

Our paths just happened to cross.
And it took a year and a half...

Got here in February, the coldest time of the year.
We used to play "crazy eight count down" and kept score.

And we'd chill and talk. 

He taught me how to make that rice dish 
I've been eating (for the past few days).
It's a go-to now if I don't have much else.

I keep it for then. 

He told me that he had a camp on a beach
and he found some unopened beer, on the beach, 
at night, nobody around... 

So he took it back to his tent, 
A few cans of it.

And a wild horse came and was trying to
get at the beer, smashed the cans open with its hoofs, 
drank his beer, and wanted to get at his water.

So he just gave water to the horse
after it drank his beer
and called it a night LOL.

What much else could you do? LOL.

He was thrilled that I have Zela.
He played it for days and looked up the cheats.

He said the reason he came to Canada
was to knock it off his bucket list. 

He wanted to head west to BC.

Haven't heard from him since Manitoba.
It only took about a week for him to get there.

The cool thing about Canada is that every province
is different. 
But it still co-exists, 
the differences
as a country. 

Whether people walk "upright" or not.
I only laughed because it's true. 

And I also wasn't expecting him to say that.

Wasn't expecting to laugh so hard lol.

Maybe I sniffed too hard
like a cokehead
to stop snot from coming out my nose.

Because it did.

First time in a long time
I ever laughed THAT HARD.

But it's funny because it's true.
If you know, you know.

I guess the rain, today was the wet part
and laughing so hard
that snot came out my nose
was the gross part.

Overall, today wasn't the worst day.

Being stuck in the elevator, wasn't even...
It really sucked, and I got anxiety
which made me want to be outside
because you can't get stuck in an elevator
while outside.

It was that the elevator didn't stay stuck at the 9th floor, 
it started "bouncing and dropped" to the 5th floor, 
did it again, and went down to the 3rd.

I was able to get the door to open
and got out. 

Someone came to fix it
and then someone sh@t in it.

All in the same day.

I was saying to the neighbors:
"Glad I didn't have to sh*t
when I was stuck in there.
I might have sh@t myself."

If it did a "free fall"
down more than a few floors at a time...
I might have.

The guy who answered my
"help I'm stuck in here" call
stayed on the call with me
and assured me they were sending someone.

Glad they got to cancel that and that
I got out on my own. 

I really wanted out of there.

So I got outside and took a long walk.
It started pouring on me,
like p*ssing rain...

Where there are at least maybe a few parts of you
that are still dry 
and the rest of you is soaked...

Once, it was raining like that
and I happened to "run into" MIRROR SMASHER.

He took me back to some place
he was staying at with some chick
who gave him his first hit FFS.

Anyway, he gave me some dry socks, 
heated me up some pizza and made me a cup of tea.

Obviously he didn't want to say too much
in front of that chick, 
and she was very territorial. 

By then, his chances were none to none, anyway. 
And he's the one who made it that way.

That one reading our messages to each other, 
same way. 

AND SHE CHEATED ON HIM.
GO FIGURE.

YOU DON'T WANT THE GUY
BUT DIDN'T WANT HIM WITH ME LOL. 

And if he was smart enough to figure that out
without me having to point it out
more than a few times, 

why waste my time with that?

And they only wanted to be with him
to use him.

AND WHAT DID I EVER ASK FOR?
FOR HIM TO BE FAIR
& FKN LISTEN TO ME.

BUT WHO DID HE LISTEN TO?
SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT
US TOGETHER
AT ALL, 
EVEN AS FRIENDS.

He showed me why not to settle
FOR ANYTHING.

I guess in the only way he could.

But there were times he did care, 
to whatever degree he has
the fkn capacity to.

Dry sucks, reheated pizza, cup of tea.

And he had given me a card, 
a bank card
that he wanted back in a hurry
the next day. 

Dropped by with tea for me
and $100 of the money he owed me. 

I thought he had stopped being a fkn clown. 

But not entirely because he was still "with" her or whatever.

Like he couldn't be "nicer" than he was.
Or she'd think he was being too nice, to me. 

And that's how it was for years.
A stupid "cycle" like that.
"Trauma bonding."
He used that phrase, not me.

I call that BULLSH*T
THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
AND DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR.

You want to play that game?
GO PLAY IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FAIR ENOUGH?
BECAUSE THAT'S BEING PRETTY DAMN FAIR, TO ME.

NOT MUCH CLEARER THAN THAT
THAN A BROKEN NOSE LOL.

BUT NOBODY'S SENN "PSYCHO" FROM ME.
BECAUSE THEY'D HAVE THAT 'REASON'
TO SAY THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME
AND NOT EVEN CLOSE.

Because I really could show them that.
I don't want to. So I don't. 

What use am I locked up?

(Although at the hospital I get ice cream) LOL.

But what use would I be? In there?
Locked up anywhere?
For "going psycho"

SHOULD I BLAME XYZ
FOR GOING 'PSYCHO'?

AND JUST DO IT?

OR DO I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO?

Which is what they weren't counting on, it seems. 

But them just knowing THAT I KNOW
IS ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SWEAT. 

AND SO THEY SHOULD.

But doesn't mean I have to do anything to them. 
That's what they weren't counting on
and was expecting me to do. 

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WOULD DO.

GIVEN THE THINGS I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

BUT I'M TRYING TO JUST LIVE MY LIFE
BECAUSE I STILL HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE
DESPITE ANY OF IT.

Y'KNOW?

And the people wrecking themselves on drugs etc
have their lives to live
but if they decided to take things for what they are
maybe they'd see things differently.

Took me a long enough time.

And they don't owe it to me
to be who I wish they'd be.

Anyone. But neither do I.
Regardless of any thoughts to the contrary.
Anyone's.

Yet people will judge me all the time, for everything, 
even looking at them "the wrong way."

Or whatever tf they think I'm doing. 

Had people "mad" at me because they "thought"
whatever they thought.

And that sh*t's not my fault
and has everything to do
with how they're thinking. 

AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK FOR THEM?
NO. I COULDN'T
EVEN IF I WANTED TO.

THAT'D BE TOO MUCH FOR ME.
THINKING FOR EVERYONE LOL.

JUST WISH THEY'D THINK MORE
FOR THEMSELVES
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
AND ARRIVE AT THE RIGHT CONCLUSIONS.

CONFUSED? ASK.
TALK. DON'T ASSUME.

Should just be easy like that.
Straightforward, to the point.

WITHOUT ANY BULLSH*T
BECAUSE THERE'S NO NEED FOR IT, 
PERIOD.

WHY. WASTE. TIME?

Anyway, just hard to just...
WHEN IT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE.

But when you would rather listen to everyone else
WHEN IT WAS NEVER
ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS

INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO THE ONLY ONE
WHO WOULD TELL YOU THE TRUTH?

AND WHY WAS I ON HIS SIDE?
DOES HE EVEN REMEMBER?

IF HE CARED TO REMEMBER, 
HE WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED.

HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN.
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO TELL HIM.

But I can't think for anyone
and that wuld be exhausting. 

To untangle all that bullsh*t
just for more of it
because why not be ruthess about it?

Why not just be all about that
and not about much else?

But any chance is gone now.
Should have seen the first for what it was.

Is it my fault those chicks didn't want him to?
That they saw me as such a threat
as to threan me?

Or is it his fault
FOR HIM INVOLVING ANY OF THEM
OR LETTING THEM BE OR GET INVOLVED
WHEN NONE OF IT CONCERNED THEM?

Not like it matters, now. 
He has no choice but to settle for what he can get. 

Girls who cheat on him and use him. 
Things I wouldn't do.

Because why?
He should know why.

If he'd listened.

He chose all of that BS over me
so he can have it all. 

Why beg? LOL.

"Please leave that BS behind for me!"
"Go fk yourself."

But only it's me saying it.
To go fk himself.

Goes for anyone about that sh*t.
You want it, by my fkn guest.

Fk all the junkies in the city
if that's what you really want.

But don't cry to me about catching anything
from someone willing
to fkn cheat on you.

Anyone willing to fk for a buck
is bound to catch whatever.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY ARE PAYING FOR IT?

BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY???

IF THEY WANTED YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY
YOU WOULDN'T "HAVE TO" FK THEM FOR IT!

And no matter how broke I fkn am...
Why put myself through that sh*t?
Just because I could, if I wanted to?
Fk that sideways with a surfboard.

IT'S LIKELY BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE SOMETHING.

Someone told me:
"He chose a level of hormones over you."

Whatever he chose, for whatever reasons he chose it, 
he chose it.

iT'S NOT A "MISTAKE"
IT'S A CHOICE.

EVEN A SERIES OF CHOICES.

That left me questioning myself FFS.

Like I should have a long time ago.

Because I never had to have
anything to do with him, at all. 

AND HE COULD HAVE TAKEN THAT
FOR WHAT IT WAS, TOO.

But there comes a time when it's too late
to even do that. 

Because he shouldn't have put himself
in a position to ever not see that.

Hope that makes sense.

Don't really care if it does or doesn't.
To anyone. 

It just is what is it is
and was what it was.

And wasn't what it wasn't.

A lot of factors why it wasn't.
And I was as patient
AS I COULD HAVE BEEN
BUT THERE COMES A TIME
THAT PEOPLE
RUN OUT OF PATIENCE.

ESPECIALLY
WHEN THEIR PATIENCE IS TRIED
TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

Just because you're "nice"
doesn't mean you "have to"
GET TREATED LIKE CRAP.

BUT DON'T LIKE IT WHEN 
I'M BEING A "B*TCH"?

BUT DON'T ASK YOURSELF WHY?

AS THOUGH I HAVE ZERO REASONS?

FOR FINALLY HAVING HAD ENOUGH?

OR WAS I SUPPOSED TO JUST TAKE THAT ALL
IN MY STRIDE
AND "TURN THE OTHER CHEEK"?

JUST LET THAT SH*T CONTINUE?

FOR HOW LONG?

ANOTHER 6 YEARS?

LIKE I'M THE SOLE "REASON"
EVERYTHING IS "WRONG" IN THEIR LIFE
WHEN THEY'RE ONLY TAKING THAT SH*T OUT ON ME

BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO SCARED TO FKN DO IT
TO ANYONE ELSE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS A KID.

But you get to a point
THAT YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THAT SH*T
AND HAD HOPED, AT THE VERY LEAST
THAT OTHERS WOULD BE, TOO.

But it ends up being just like fkn high school
because they never bothered to grow tf up.

Even for themselves, 
but especially for themselves.

BUT SEE IF THEY WOULD TRY
TO PULL THE SAME SH*T
ON SOMEONE WHO'S PULLING SH*T ON THEM
AND YOU'LL SEE THEY WOULDN'T.

BUT TO ME, IT'S "OKAY"
TO DO THAT SH*T TO ME, THOUGH.

BECAUSE WHY NOT?

I'M TOO "NICE" TO DO ANYTHING.

I DON'T FKN "HAVE TO BE" ANYTHING.
NOT EVEN "NICE."

BUT WHY WALK PAST A GUY
LAYING ON THE GROUND OVERDOSING?
LIKE YOU'RE JUST GOING ABOUT YOUR DAY
UNBOTHERED?

COULDN'T THEY'VE BEEN "NICE"?

That's why I carry that drug kit thing, 
in my purse. 

When most people
wouldn't even fkn bat an eye.

Just left him there, like that.

It could even be Mirror smasher
and I'd still help him out. 

THAT'S ALL I WAS TRYING TO FKN DO.

Wasn't so that he'd "owe" me one.
IT WAS FOR HIM FFS.
FOR HIS SAKE.
THAT'S IT.
NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.

And if he'd seen that for what it was?
BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT HIM TO?

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T CARE, ENOUGH, TO?
SO WHY SHOULD I COME ALONG AND SHOW THAT I DID?
WOULD HAVE SAID WHAT IT NEEDED TO
ABOUT THEM
AND HE'D HAVE SEE WHAT THAT WAS FOR WHAT IT WAS.

AND JUST ME FOR ME, WHO I AM. 
BUT NOPE.

SO SHOULD I BOTHER FOR SOMEONE, 
ANYONE, WHO REFUSES TO SEE THAT?

any of it?
Even the tiniest of things?

I guess not, when nobody wants you to.
I saw that for what it was a long time ago.
I said my piece about it.

Maybe one day he'll wish he had just fkn listened.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO.
JUST THAT.

And not jump through "hoops"
or be up anyone's @ss

I WOULDN'T WANT ANYONE UP MY @SS.

I like to have "my time" to myself.

And anyone who can't understand that, 
I don't know what to say to them. 

"My time" to even think to myself.

My neighbor, next to me, 
haven't met the dude...

He keeps whistling the same tune.
Sometimes I think about whistling it back to him. 

Actually, a guy, near where I used to live...
He was living in a rooming house
and the dude was whistling. 
Got stabbed - for whistling. 
Wild, eh?

The guy living underneath him, though, 
was talking about how he wants to get at him
because he supposedly drags something
across his floor at 4am. 

I'm usually out by then.
Still getting used to sleeping and waking up here.

Better than sleeping in and waking up
in a stairwell or something.

Or a hallway.

I've crashed in a hallway before, 
a stairwell before, 
and on a fire escape before.

It's better to have a place
where you can lock your door
and pretend like you're not even there.

Than to be out there, 
in the p*ssing rain, cold, wet, tired...

Tired of being out there, 
in the p*ssing rain, cold, wet, tired.

Tired of being fkn tired.

With everyone looking down on you
for even being out there.

Walking by you as you're overdosing FFS.
Because "It's not my job."
and that's the exact mentality.
"Not getting involved."

WOULD YOU WANT SOMEONE
TO CARE ENOUGH
IF THAT WAS YOU?

AND TO ANY @SSHOLE
WHO'D EVEN SAY THAT WOULDN'T BE THEM.

IT DOESN'T FKN "HAVE TO BE" YOU.

BUT. IF. IT. FKN. WAS?

Because that is the mentality
"not my job"
that kinda "makes" them want to.

It's always a choice, obviously.

Just like it's a choice
to just walk on by
like he's not even fkn there. At all. Right?