Wall Farts

Been kinda an emotional day, for me.
Maybe, partly, because I haven't slept yet.
And I haven't taken my medication
or I wouldn't have been "up"
to do what I needed to do, today. 

I met a girl, in the neighborhood, today.
I was going around the corner
to feed the pigeons.

I gave them a couple of little spots.

So they'd be out of "the way,"
off the sidewalk.

There're bushes by the loading bay.
And a couple of trees, 
I saw them there, before, 
so I just put the food there.

Today, I noticed they were looking, 
because they'd eaten it all. 

So I was on my way, around the corner
to put food by the trees.

And this girl, probably in her 20s, 
had a torn paper bag, and was scrambling
with her groceries... 

So I asked if I could give her a hand. 

So we walked over to her building...
She lives a street over from me.

I brought her groceries to her door
and said I'd see her around sometime.

Y'know, having the food bank...
It's a blessing to even have it, at all. 

No questions asked, 
just show them proof of your address
(which I didn't have with me, today).

BUT THEY STILL HELPED ME OUT, ANYWAY.

The thing I appreciate, the most, 
IS JUST BEING TREATED LIKE A PERSON. 

That's all anyone ever wants, right?

Was talking with my neighbors, today, 
this morning...

About stuff that goes on around here.

Y'know it took me this whole time
to realize that this building
doesn't have a 13th floor?

What would be the 13th floor, 
is the 14th floor.

I noticed it in the elevator, today.

I was watching the numbers going down, 
And it went from 14 to 12...

A lady said: "I'm glad they didn't give you 1408."

That's the apartment that guy lived in, 
the one who did the swan dive.

She said a "Chinese" lady lived here.
"I don't know if she moved or if she died."

She's probably not Chinese.
A letter addressed to her
was from Singapore.

It was in the mailbox when I moved in.

Funny how someone's Asian
and they assume they're Chinese. 

Maybe I should light a candle for her.
Maybe she moved, maybe she died.

Maybe I should light a candle for 1408, too.

Bugs me people keep talking about him
BUT NOBODY WILL SAY HIS NAME.

HE WAS A PERSON, WHO LIVED HERE, 
HE HAD A NAME.

HE WASN'T "WHAT HE DID."

Sucks he did what he did.
THAT HE CHOSE TO DO WHAT HE DID.

BUT HE WAS A PERSON, WITH A NAME.

And maybe, just maybe, he felt
LIKE NOBODY UNDERSTOOD THAT.

Talking about him, like he wasn't...
Just bugs me, y'know?

I don't know if the guy who lives next to me
ever goes out.

Seems to always be home.

My stepfather told me he knew a guy
who used to live here... A while back...

He said the guy got so big
that he physically couldn't leave
his apartment. 

They had to cut his balcony door
and they lifted him out with a crane.

And he couldn't fit in the ambulance.
They took him in a 5-ton truck.

Must have felt embarrassing for him. 

There's a guy who lives here, who I met.
He was still in the hospital when I moved here.

The docs gave him a year to live.
And they did like 4 or so years ago, too. 

He's on oxygen. He carries a "tank" thing.
With the breathing tubes up his nose...

I asked him if he was feeling any better today.
He said: "Not really, still depressed, but it is what it is."

Why sugar-coat it, eh? It is what it is. 

I might mention to one neighbor about the reiki, 
but I don't want it "getting around."

That's why I haven't even told my own family about it.

BUT DO THEY BELIEVE ME?
ABOUT ANYTHING?

I TOLD THEM SOMETHING
AND THEY LITERALLY HAD TO LOOK IT UP
BEFORE THEY TOOK MY WORD FOR IT.

Okay, maybe I don't ALWAYS know what I'm talking about.

But when I tell you a FACT, and it IS a FACT,
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK IT UP?

JUST IN CASE I'M FULL OF SH*T?

We were playing "scrabble"
and my word was DINT.

And my stepfather had to look it up
to see if DINT was a word.

The "holes" in coconuts
are called DINTS.

The "holes" on golf balls
are called DINTS.

If it's not a dent, it's a dint LOL.

But it was like:
SURPRISE! I KNOW WORDS YOU DON'T!

But what surprised them
was that it was ME knowing the word.

Anyone else, wouldn't be surprised.
Sure, it bugs me, sometimes.

Like I'm not supposed to have
any intellect or something...

BEING CONSTANTLY
AND CONSISTENTLY
UNDERESTIMATED...

But maybe better to let people think
you're stupid. 

Than to let them know
you're not. 

For some things.

I'm okay with it, mostly, I guess.
Would be cool, to be "seen"
as someone who'd know
THE WORD DINT.

But, should I care?
THAT THEY ARE SURPRISED
THAT I DO?

Or just take it all in my "stride"?
Like I'm always expected to do?

Easy to feel "insulted"
Harder not to let it feel like that.

Because I have a choice:
TAKE EVERYTHING WAYYYY TO PERSONAL...

OR TAKE NOTHING PERSONAL.

Which has been a challenge, at times.
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THAT.

The thing is this:
It doesn't HAVE TO feel like that.

So "used to" it feeling like that.

Like constantly underestimated
kinda feels personal. Y'know?

BUT WHAT DO I HAVE TO PROVE?
THAT I KNOW THE WORD DINT? LOL.

That I can xyz and abc?

JUST LIKE THEY NEVER KNEW I COULD LOL.

This, is why I don't go around telling anyone
about the reiki.

Because it just takes ONE person
to tell someone
who'll tell everyone.

I don't have the energy to do it
FOR EVERYONE.

It takes energy.

I'm still "learning" to "use" it.
So I use most of MINE
instead of letting it do what it does.

Because I still feel like I'm the one
"facilitating it"
but not knowing "exactly" how it works...

And knowing it's coming THROUGH me...

It's hard to explain it.

It's one of those things
that I don't talk about with most people.

Pretty much like 90%+ of what I write, on here, 
I don't talk with anyone about.

Easier to put it in "writing."
And whoever "happens to" read it...
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK LOL.

Can't promise you sunshine and skies ever blue
or rose strewn pathways, always for you...

There was a poem I read...
Someone had it in the hospital...

Something like:

"God hath not promised skies ever blue, 
rose covered pathways, always for you.

God hath promised strength from above.
Unyielding sympathy, 
undying love."

Something like that...

Probably butchered it, 
but it was something along those lines.

There was a guy there.
He listened to me.

It was... How do I put this?

He knew I had something to say.
He didn't interrupt me, 
he just let me say it.

Didn't judge me for it, 
but... He listened
until I said what I had to say...

I'll always remember that.
Like: This is your turn to talk.

Anyway, probably last night "catching up to me."
I lit some incense for people who've been helping me.

When I went on the excursion, 
when I found that Indian cafe...

I went to a huge dollar store, after that...

Saw some things I want to get there...
Lights for the balcony, etc.

I'd like to put a little one
in the bathroom

because I can't turn the light on
without turning the fan on. 

Anyway, just a bunch of little things, like that.

So, when I went there, they had incense. 
There was one:
Shri Ganesh Money Bank.

Been lighting it, for people.

Kind of like how I put prayers in my prayer jar.

Nobody needs to know I do it, in their name, for them.
Why would that be "important" to tell them?

Someone's been super kind to me?
I'll put them in my prayer jar.

Someone needs a candle lit for them? Light it.
What sweat is it off my back?

Just to do that?

My Grandmother put me on the prayer list at Church.
It used to bug me SO MUCH!
I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE PRAYING FOR ME.

PROBABLY SOME OF THEM SAVED MY LIFE.

MAYBE SOME OF MINE, SAVED THEIRS.

I GET IT, NOT EVERYONE "BELIEVES"
IN WHATEVER "SAVIOR" WE "SUPPOSEDLY" HAVE.

You think I even wanted to go to Church?

EVERYONE TALKED ABOUT ME, 
MY FAMILY. 

MY GRANDMOTHER TELLING OTHERS THINGS
THAT WERE MY BUSINESS.

That bugged me, too. 

My Grandmother meant well, 
just that the nosey people
wanted something to talk about
and it seemed my Grandmother didn't realize that.

AND IT STOPPED FEELING LIKE
A "JUDGEMENT-FREE" PLACE, TO ME.

I didn't believe.
In much of anything, even myself. 

Confidence, still something I struggle with.

I heard something about Capricorns...
That we HAVE TO BE underestimated...
Or we'd be OVER-CONFIDENT.

Something like that.

I believe it.

There are times I feel "capable"
(whatever that means)
but been treated LIKE I'M NOT
FOR SO MUCH OF MY LIFE
THAT I STOPPED "TRYING"
OR EVEN "CARING."

Do you know that my guitar
sat in its case for 15 years?

Never played it, even to myself
LET ALONE TO ANYONE.

FOR 15 FREAKING YEARS.

And 5 of those years
I was in a relationship.

Never once did he even ask me
if I knew how to play anything.

Few people have heard me "play."

I did one open mic night, thing. Once.

My hands were sweating.
I played my "piece."

Thought about going out,
trying to make a few bucks...

When the weather gets better.

Too cold to play anything.
Supposed to rain. 

Won't play if it's wet. 

Played in winter, once.
My hands went numb lol. 

Anyway, only so much I know 
HOW TO PLAY
BECAUSE MY GUITAR SAT
IN ITS CASE
FOR 15 YEARS...

Didn't have my father to teach me.

And supposedly he wrote a song for me, 
but I never got to hear it.

I wrote a song for someone, once.
He heard me play it, 
but I didn't tell him I wrote it for him. 

STILL WON'T.

The song has a different "meaning" now, I guess.

I should write to G*****.
I'd see him in the park
and he offered me a seat next to him
while he played songs for passersby.

He knows how to play songs
in different languages, 
from different countries.

And he's good at it.
He's traveled. 

We hung out on Canada Day
and that's when I met I**** and his mom. 

He played guitar, a small one, just HIS size.
He's all but 10 years old, 11 by now.

His mother told me she would rather him
grow up to be anything other than a musician. 

He's good! Even at his age!
He's been taught well!

I'm still very impressed.
A few songs he did, were really "moving."

I only had a few bucks on me.
I gave it to him and told him he did really well.

He wanted to share it with G*****!

His mom gave me her card.

She's a violinist.
She does weddings and events...

She learned in Russia
when she was 5 years old.

Probably been teaching her son
since he was big enough to hold a guitar.

I saw the cutest picture of someone I know
as a baby playing a guitar LOL.

I think he was 2 or something.
With this big guitar, doing chords.

It was the cutest thing I've seen.

Now the guy is much older than I am, 
but he shreds like nobody's business.

BECAUSE HE WAS BEING TAUGHT
AS EARLY AS 2 YEARS OLD.

I picked up the guitar.
My neighbor started whistling his tune.
I was trying to concentrate
while he was doing that
so I whistled it back at him. 

If I can hear him, he can hear me.

And I've tried to be decent about it.
Last night, was really fkn pushing it, though.

After 10pm settle tf down. 

Nobody needs any BS past 10pm
AND THAT'S OUT OF RESPECT
FOR EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

Any time it was "late" if I even played AT ALL,
IT WAS SO QUIETLY, 
THAT ONLY I COULD HEAR MYSELF. 
BARELY, EVEN.

YET HE WANTS TO DRAG STUFF ACROSS THE FLOOR
AND BANG AROUND
AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT.

WHEN WTF IS WRONG
WITH JUST SHUTTING TF UP?
LETTING PEOPLE PLAY GUITAR?
LETTING PEOPLE SLEEP?

I can't wait for the weather to get better.

So I can take the guitar outside.
Play it while waiting for the piano to "open" LOL.

Without that tune.

I don't even mind the tune.
BUT WHEN HE KNOWS
I'M TRYING TO PRACTICE SOMETHING?

THAT'S the only reason I whistled it back, today.
TO MAKE A POINT
THAT I CAN HEAR HIM, 
VERY CLEARLY.

And if he heard me, very clearly...
Trying to practice a song, 
pretty sure he heard me
WHISTLE HIS LITTLE TUNE
RIGHT BACK AT HIM.

AND I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO DO IT.
I WAS GOING TO LET HIM HAVE HIS LITTLE TUNE.

IT'S ONLY ANNOYING
WHEN I'M TRYING TO FKN CONCENTRATE
AND IT'S ALL I CAN HEAR.

OTHER THAN THAT, DO IT ALL DAY LONG.
DGAF.

I HAVE MY "THINGS" TOO.
HE'S PUT UP WITH ME, 
FOR THE TIME I'VE BEEN HERE.

WITH MY MUSIC, MY "TUNES"
MY WHATEVER TF.

MY MANIC EPISODES.
LAUGHING AT MYSELF ETC.

I'M PROBABLY ANNOYING, TOO.

But I'm not going out of my way
to p*ss anyone off. 

The guy below him wants to get at him. 
Never seen the guy leave his apartment.

PROBABLY ANNOYING
THAT ALL I'VE BEEN DOING IS TYPING ALL NIGHT LOL.
IF HE CAN HEAR IT...

At least I'm not pressing my @ss cheeks
AGAINST OUR "JOINT" WALL
AND LETTING IT RIP.

BUT I OWE HIM A LOAD OF BELCHING.

IMAGINE A FART VIBRATING THE WALL LOL.
I mean, if I really wanted to
GO ALL THE WAY OUT OF MY WAY
TO DO IT, I COULD.

AND WHO WOULD STOP ME?

"SHE FARTS AGAINST THE WALL."

What could anyone DO? Call the fart police?

And what if I said "I don't know what you're talking about!"?
"Are you serious?!"

SERIOUS LIKE A FART AGAINST A WALL, OKAY?

Would they "dust my wall" for @ss prints?

It's times like that you better not SHART.
BECAUSE YOU'LL HAVE SOME "ART."

Hey, at least I didn't sh*t in the elevator FFS.

It's one thing if a dog couldn't hold it... Y'know?
We put too many expectations on dogs.

I was "in the room"
while a conversation was being had
about a dog
who p*ssed on someone's couch.

1) Dogs don't just p*ss on couches.
2) He "let her have it" for doing it.

3) MAYBE she did it
because someone's been "letting her have it."

And someone told me that someone
who lived in this building
went to jail for animal abuse.

I won't say what they did, it was BAD.

WHO TF DOES THAT SH*T?
TO A DOG?

WTF DID A DOG EVER DO?
TO "DESERVE" THAT SH*T!???

I saw a video about a case
where some guy's gf moved in with him and his mom
and they have a dog...

And the dog was getting "mysterious injuries"
so they set up a camera to see how the dog
"might have been hurting itself" or something.

Caught the gf beating the dog.

WTF. SHE GOT CHARGED.
AND SO SHE SHOULD.

Like permanent injuries
TO AN ANIMAL
WHO DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HER.

SHE JUST GOT JEALOUS
THAT HER BF LOVED THE DOG. 
WOW, EH?

The way people talk about pigeons around here...
Talking about wanting to stomp them ffs.

DID IT DO ANYTHING TO YOU?
NO? THEN WHAT IS YOUR FKN PROBLEM?

Dogs don't just p*ss on couches.

AND HOW IS "LETTING HER HAVE IT"
SUPPOSED TO MAKE HER WANT TO NOT DO IT?

To me, it's a display of IGNORANCE.
DISGUSTS ME.

WOULD THEY WANT A DOG
TO "LET THEM HAVE IT?"

IF DOGS WERE OUR SIZE
AND WE WERE THEIR SIZE?

Would they want pigeons TO STOMP THEM?
IF THEY WERE OUR SIZE
AND WE WERE THEIR SIZE?

NO? THEN WHAT TF IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Y'KNOW?

That's why I'd rather just do my own thing.
AWAY FROM PEOPLE
WHO THINK LIKE THAT.

IF I REALLY WANTED TO PUKE, 
I COULD JAM A FINGER DOWN MY THROAT FFS.

SOME PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE.
AND I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT.

Makes me hope THAT IN ANOTHER LIFE
THEY GET TO SEE AND FEEL
WHAT IT'S LIKE.

Because why shouldn't they?

Makes me think of that movie: Powder.
When he's showing the guy
what the deer's going through
as its laying, dying...

Ever seen it? If not, find it, watch it.

THAT part. If you see it, you'll know
EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

And the scary thing is:
ENERGY IS THAT REAL.

And if I could show them, I would do it.

BUT I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT
BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR
THAT THEIR FKN MENTALITY
IS FKN GARBAGE.

EVEN IF IT FKN IS!!!!!

There have been times
I really didn't gaf
who wanted to hear whatever
and WHO DIDN'T.

IF I HAD TO SAY IT, 
IT WAS FOR A FKN REASON. 

EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T FKN LIKE IT.

But the whole time, I'm making notes about it, to myself.

AND I WRITE ABOUT IT FOR
THOSE WHO FKN NEED TO HEAR IT.

Because what if I "let them have it"?
Would they get scared and p*ss on my couch?

WOULD THEY MELT INTO A PUDDLE
AND EVAPORATE?

WOULD THEY STOP THINKING STUPIDLY?
AND WAKE TF UP?

OR COULD THEY EVEN WAKE TF UP?

It's not that I'm scared to say it.
IT'S THAT I SHOULDN'T FKN HAVE TO SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!

Why they can't understand that, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO
BE IN THE SAME ROOM, EVEN.

Or the same planet, for that matter.

It feels like the twilight zone or something.
*twilight zone music*

Either that or I'm being PUNKED.

OR SOME REALITY TV SHOW
THEY HAVEN'T ADMITTED
THEY'VE HAD ME ON...
"The Truman Show."

JUST TO SEE HOW I'D REACT.

LIKE "JURY DUTY."
WHERE THE GUY THINKS IT WAS REAL
BUT EVERYONE WAS AN ACTOR/ACTRESS.

They "clue him in" at the end...

But after that, would you be questioning
EVERYTHING
AS THOUGH THAT WERE JUST "PHASE ONE?"

AND YOU'RE WAITING FOR "PHASE TWO"
AND ALREADY IN "PHASE TWO"
BUT DON'T KNOW IT, YET?

Because look what they did!
There was a phase one you didn't know you were in...

I swear that's how things FEEL sometimes.
BUT WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THAT
MORE THAN IT DOESN'T...

YOU START QUESTIONING WTF 
IS ACTUALLY GOING ON?
BEEN GOING ON, THE WHOLE TIME?

BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW
UNTIL THEY WANTED YOU TO KNOW.
Y'KNOW?

That's "lack of sleep" speaking.
Like it partied on the weekend
when it wasn't the weekend, yet.

SO GOTTA DO IT AGAIN, 
BECAUSE IT STARTS
WHEN IT WANTS TO
WHEN THEY WANT IT TO.
"BEHIND YOU BACK."

WHY WOULD THEY DO IT IN YOUR FACE?
SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE?

THAT is what it feels like.