I'm Awake

Well, I went to bed super early.

Just this guy next to me... Does he ever sleep?

When I first moved in, his voice was kind of comforting. 
Knowing someone was on the other side of the wall.

Just that he gets loud and after 10pm, 
it'd just be cool to shut tf up.

In this building it seems to be always
something going on...

Like yesterday, the fire alarm.
I was already awake, but...

I asked if there was any fire. 
They said no, "Just crackers on the 12th."
He meant crackheads.

Then we got to talking about actual fires
that there had been, here,

A guy on the 5th floor had been cooking crack
AND LEFT THE APARTMENT
WHILE HE WAS DOING THAT
AND SET HIS PLACE ON FIRE.

"Cooking crack, nice time for a walk."?

One guy told me: "I'd say that around 83%
have an addiction problem and the other 7% don't).

He said that of all the buildings... Owned by the "corp"
THIS ONE IS THE WORST.

Like I said, a roof and a toilet...
Some people don't even have that.

When I was "out there,"
I used to use the washroom at the hotel.
"Fancy tramp" they'd say LOL.

I didn't want to p*ss and sh*t in a bucket
with cars going by.

People were saying that there're "dealers" in the building.
And when the "crackers" don't get what they want, 
they pull the fire alarm.

I had one of the funniest dreams lol.

I was in an elevator with a guy and a fart "slipped out"
and it was more than a fart.

The guy was HORRIFIED...
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE LOL!!!!
HE COULDN'T GET OUT FAST ENOUGH.

Anyway, lost my train of thought...

Speaking of horrified...

A couple of guys were talking downstairs...

There's a pool table in the "rec" room
that we sit around and "sh00t the sh*t."

So they were telling me when they had these guys
"doing the balconies"
and one of them happened to see a BIG girl's bare @ss.
Like FULL MOON, BENT OVER.

He was telling me that the guy told him:
"I couldn't have s*x with my wife for a week!"
He couldn't get that image of that big bare @ss
OUT OF HIS MIND.

My place still smells like incense.
Probably will for a while. 
Since I got the stuff, a couple of weeks ago, 
I've burnt 3 of them, one "yesterday"
because it's already Saturday.

If it wasn't so late... 
Maybe if I get my headphones
and move the radio over...

I tripped over the extension cord
on the way back from the bathroom. 

I can see myself tripping and actually hurting myself...

Weird how my "reflexes" only work
for catching myself falling, but only around 80% of the time.

I was saying to a neighbor that I probably should get "kneepads."
He chipped in with: "And elbow pads."

May as well include a helmet just for walking around.

So many times I slipped and fell on the ice, 
landed on my knees mostly.
It freaking hurts!

Might have fractured one. 
"Walk it off."

I said I'd see my neighbor later, 
but I went home and crashed HARD.

You know you crashed HARD when you have vivid dreams.
Most of my dreams are vivid. 

I do dream every time I sleep.
I can't imagine not dreaming.

I heard that some people don't.
That would be weird and out of "the norm" for me.

I got some milk and might have cereal. 
I got quite a bit of fruit and vegetables.

Maybe I can "wrangle up" some cheese.

The person or people on the other side of me...
Never hear them.

Heard they are students but they don't know
what university they go to.

Probably the one with the piano.

I get lost on that campus.
O-town has 3 schools.

Well apart from the public schools
(and I think private schools)...

Two universities and a college.
I went to and worked at the college...

Working there wasn't so bad...
Just they piled the work on us
to the extent we barely had the time
to do our "regular work" plus the "extra work."

It's because the day crew would leave sh*t for the night crew.
They got away with it because they'd just blame it on the students.

"I already cleaned it, but the students came in."
Yeah freaking right, bud.

The day crew was mostly "garbage control"
BUT YET THERE WAS ALL THAT GARBAGE AT NIGHT?

Should have seen it!

I'd have to go out to the trash compactor, at night...

But some buildings! 
There are buildings on the campus.
Each of them have a letter.

When I went to college, there,
my classes were in the P building
and they assigned me to the P building
when I started there.

The guy who trained me WAS AWESOME!

There was an "ambulance room" in the P builing.
Where the paramedics students had their classes.
In part of the room, it was kind of tucked away, 
there were two hospital beds there.

He said "Sometimes I come in here, 
to take a little nap for 15 minutes or so..."

Then he said, "You can hear the guard coming in, 
and he said the door was on the other side
of the alcove. 

"You can hear the door closing when they come in."

Even though I'd already graduated, 
my password still worked
for the college internet.
So sometimes I'd post on here LOL.

That was back like 20 years ago!
Crazy to think about that.

The arts and media building's next to the P building.
I forget the letter for that building. 

Been in some of those rooms.
The drawing ones, 
they had those pro drawing tables
with the lights...

The ones that are hundreds of dollars...
I saw them at the art store last time I was there.

When I picked up some pencils
and that sketchbook.

I'd like to get another sketchbook, soon.

I've seen a lot of buildings I want to sketch.
I saw a couple of them, yesterday...

The architecture of some buildings!
Especially the older red brick buildings...

The old post office etc...
The "heritage buildings."

Most of them are downtown, around here.
I like looking at them, 
thinking about how I'd draw them, 
where I'd start...

Usually with the general shapes, 
The details come later...

Some buildings ARE VERY DETAILED.

Like I said they are OLD.

I passed a church yesterday...
The "resurrection date" was 1911 on it.

They have separate entrances for men and women.
I find that odd and don't know
what kind of church it is...

One of the old pubs...
Has two sections
because one was only for men
and the women stayed in the other.

Something about how the women
wouldn't "get in any trouble" together LOL.

And the guys could "leave their wives there."

There are statues downtown that depict
the end of "women's suffrage."

Look at what we have to put up with!
(referencing the guy next door).

He has been putting up with me, too, though.
He gets some "credit" for that.

BUT WE COULDN'T WORK, 
OR VOTE.
WE WEREN'T CONSIDERED "PEOPLE" FFS.

And if we'd treated MEN like that?!

And Mirror Smasher saying I imaculated him. 
Nope, he did that to himself.
BY BEING A CLOWN.

Because: DID HE HAVE TO BE A CLOWN?
WHO WAS THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO BE?
WAS HIS CHOICE.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE.
THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Sure, joke around, etc.
BUT THERE IS A TIME THAT CALLS
FOR RESPECT.

AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE ANY, 
YOU DON'T GET ANY.
FROM ME.

I was pretty freaking generous
AND HE SEEMS TO "FORGET" THAT.

WAY MORE THAN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
Let's just say that much.

Still pretty tired. But I know that all I'll hear
if I try to go back to sleep is THIS GUY
*POINTS TO WALL BEHIND ME*

Someone was saying that there are bed bugs
and roaches in this building.

Not surprised.

If I see one more bed bug...
I'll feel like torching the place.

"Nice time for a walk..."
Only I'd leave something on the stove
(not crack).

One time, when I had hash...
I went out, and went right back home
to check if I'd left the burner on..
(hot knives).

If you know, you know.

My budding has a torch just for that.

When I went to see his "new place"
(He'd already been there for a few years)
AND KEPT SAYING:
"I'LL HAVE TO HAVE YOU OVER SOMETIME."

So I said "You're only going to get to say that so many times.
Then, I won't want to go."

That was the time that his buddy called him
he had him on speaker phone.

"Partied last night."
"Who with?"
"A***. You remember her?"
"The one you "smashed"?"
"You're on speaker phone."
"My bad."

WTF.

So on the drive back to my place
to drop me off...

I asked him why he told his buddy that we "smashed."
He said that "It came up. It was a long time ago."

In his mind we "smashed." We didn't.

He'd brought up "hooking up"
when I was there. That night.

He'd suggested "the arrangement."

So I said "Why is that even important?"
"I don't know. Never thought of it that way."
WELL THINK ABOUT IT, BUD.

And I had said "If it was going to go further, 
it would have, that night." It didn't. 
"I guess so." Looking and sounding all disappointed.
Like he was counting on
"talking me into his 'arrangement'"

"We're both single and middle-aged."
So? So are a lot of people.
Doesn't mean I want to "smash" them all.

Because I realized that I'm not attracted to him. 
"WTF AM I DOING?" 

I felt like saying "If I wanted to be with you, 
WHY DID I HELP YOU WRITE
YOUR DATING PROFILE FOR THE DATING SITE?"

But I felt like I had said enough.
JUST REALLY BOTHERED ME
THAT APPARENTLY HE HAD THOUGHT ABOUT IT, A LOT.

"Well it'll probably be driving me crazy.
I've been thinking about it, a lot."

IT'LL BUG ME, NOW.
Because I don't think about it, or him that way."

And I don't like being thought about that way.

Just want to be thought of as a person. 
HE REFUSES TO REMEMBER
ANYONE'S BIRTHDAYS.

"I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S BIRTHDAY.
I RELY ON THEM TO TELL ME."

It's an excuse not to "have to" remember anyone's.
BUT HE CAN REMEMBER HIS OWN, RIGHT?
AND HE WANTS OTHERS TO REMEMBER HIS...

He did that to his gf. "Forgot" her birthday.
I was like "Wow." When she told me.
"Yeah." She said, "Yeah..."

I dated a guy who forgot mine.
HE WAS BEING AN @SS TO ME.
"Today's my birthday!!!!"
So I left and went to visit my friend.
(Who treats me right).

(Which reminds me, I should call him).
I've been majorly MIA.

Not anyone's fault. Just was stressed about moving.

Someone jumped to conclusions
because I hadn't even been replying to emails.

He was saying he hopes it wasn't because he's American.
"No, bud. Just was in the middle of a move."

One other guy thinks I was on a "work vacation."
I didn't tell him anything. I just let him think whatever he thinks.

He will, anyway, right?

Just mostly been writing, as you can see.

Posted like 4 times yesterday.
Was because I was up all night...
And hadn't written in a while...

I'd like to say "not a lot of excitement..."
This place is going to be anything but quiet this summer.
The only reason it hasn't GONE OFF.
Is because it's still kinda cold, yet.

Once summer hits... All bets are OFF.

Should stop "swearing" though.
I feel like every "curse word" I say...
I'm "cursing" myself.

Maybe I am. Who knows?

Maybe they are called "curse words" for a reason.
Besides, do I have to talk like a "sailor"?

I guess I've kinda been using it as "punctuation."

I put the "sensitive content" warning on...
Because I kept "swearing"
and it's not like my life's been "roses and rainbows."

To even "talk" about any of it...
About the "crackers" etc.

Sometimes I wonder who are worse.
The "crackers" or the "tweakers."

Can walk down the street and see crack pipes etc...

We had those "safe injection sites."
There was a huge public outcry about it.

Saying it was encouraging drug use.
It was to give them clean needles
and prevent them from overdosing...

But they still do. 
So did it help? At all?

I heard a story about a MINOR
who was trying to seek TREATMENT
TO GET OFF DRUGS
AND WAS GIVEN A DRUG KIT INSTEAD FFS.

AND OVERDOSED.

GEE, THANKS O-TOWN...

But, I still say IT'S A CHOICE.

Even lighting up a joint IS A CHOICE.
STICKING A NEEDLE IN YOUR VEINS
IS A CHOICE.

EVEN PICKING UP A NEEDLE IS A CHOICE.

AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT EVERY "JUNKIE"
IN AN ARMLOCK TO MAKE THEM DROP THEIR NEEDLE?
LIKE I DID TO MIRROR SMASHER?

He was p*ssed that I did it.
BUT WHY DID I FKN DO IT????!!!!
DID HE ASK HIMSELF
WHY I DID ANYTHING? FOR HIM?

Or was he THAT selfish to think
EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HIM
AND WHAT HE WANTED?

Maybe I wanted him to adhere
to the rule: "No drug sh*t in my house."
and had he RESPECTED THAT
THERE WOULD BE NO DRUG SH*T IN MY HOUSE!!!

NO NEEDLE TO PUT HIM IN AN ARMLOCK
TO MAKE HIM DROP.

I told him I'd "release" him when he dropped it.
He did and I did.

My point was that I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!!!!
AND AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THEM ALL
IN ARMLOCKS?

To "make" them drop their needles?

Maybe one day, he'll think about
WHY I DID THAT.
WHY I DID ANYTHING.

If he ever does, it'll already be too late.
BECAUSE I GOT FED UP
WITH HIS GARBAGE.

Tired. Very tired.
OF EVEN FREAKING TRYING ANYMORE.

Got an automated call yesterday.
A law firm's looking for my ex. 

I guess I'm still getting "collection" calls for him.
I already told them he doesn't live with me anymore.

Did they think I was just saying that?

Don't care what they think.
At least they aren't looking for ME.

I have enough of my own collection calls.
Student loans ARE A B*TCH TO PAY BACK.

WISH I HADN'T EVEN GONE.
BUT I'D GOTTEN A PARTIAL SCHOLARSHIP.

For having high marks.

School work wasn't hard for me.
Paying attention's not hard.

Especially in the subjects I liked.

I finished one of the courses in 3 days.
It was "correspondance." 20 lessons per course.
So I knocked that one out...

They'd let me do my work in one of the back rooms...
There were filing cabinets in there, 
I got curious as to what was in there...

Some "answer books," old lessons, and assignments
and my teacher for that course was away.

And I just wanted to pound it out. Get 'er done.
I was pregnant and STILL going to school. 

Finished all my credits A MONTH
BEFORE MY SON WAS BORN, 
TO THE DAY.

My grandmother got 4 great-grandchildren in 1 month.
Me, my 3 cousins...

My two female cousins and my male cousin's gf and I.
Crazy it happened like that.

So 4 of them, the same age.

We got pictures of the together
on my grandmother's 80th birthday.

The females had sons and my male cousin's gf had a girl. 
Three boys and a girl. 

I'm not close with my family, 
so they didn't "grow up together." Which sucks.

My cousins on my stepfather's side of the family 
are all close and their kids are growing up, together.

Nice, for them, I guess.

Sometimes I feel "left out"
but other times I'd rather be alone
than around people who'd "leave me out."

Also, it'd probably bug me, a bit
if I had everyone buzzing around me
WHEN I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

A "solitary" life's not necessarily a bad thing.
Less "drama."
But even "keeping to myself"
STUFF KEEPS HAPPENING.

"It's a decent building if you keep to yourself."
Are you SURE about that?

The stuff going on "behind closed doors" even.

THIS CITY... I don't know much about other cities...
Been here my whole life...

BUT... THIS city...
I don't know wtf is wrong with it.

There's got to be "something in the water" or something.

I guess all the bigger cities have "crackers" and "tweakers" now...

I knew it was bad... Way worse than I thought, though.
Especially when you're in the "heart" of the city...

I bet people are telling their kids to stay away from downtown.
Like my grandmother told me.

She used to call downtown "uptown."
"I don't want you going uptown, A***."

Was one of the places I didn't feel "judged" as much.
Had friends there. Who looked out for me.

IT'S THE WAY RICH PEOPLE TREAT POOR PEOPLE, THOUGH.

Like "I'll just leave my leftovers ON TOP of the garbage can.
SO THAT PEOPLE WHO DIG THROUGH IT
CAN FIND IT AND EAT IT." FFS.

Who wants that? Half-eaten food. 

Maybe a "cracker" or "tweaker" I dunno.
EVEN THEY DESERVE BETTER
THAN HALF-EATEN FOOD
ON TOP OF A GARBAGE CAN FFS.

IT'S SH*T LIKE THAT THAT REALLY SHOWS
HOW "OUT OF TOUCH" PEOPLE ACTUALLY ARE.

How a politician was saying:
"Oh the economy's bad? Just cancel Disney+" FFS.
She literally said that.

The ex finance minister.
Freeland.

Check out who her grandfather is...

It's that the rent has sh0t through the stratosphere.
Nothing off their backs to pay 2k+ /month.

WHAT'S MINIMUM WAGE HERE?
HOW FAR DOES THAT GET YOU?
AND WHO ARE THE JOBS GOING TO?
FOREIGN WORKERS!!!!
NOT CANADIANS!!!!

It's not MAHATTEN here, FFS.

But NY is on the other side of LAKE ONTARIO.
TORONTO is the NY of Canada.

RENT is crazy there... AND IT STARTED HERE.

My great-grandparents got a HOUSE for 1k back in the day.
BACK IN THE DAY... 
THERE WASN'T ANY CRACK.

A lady in my knitting group:
"I don't know how they do it..."

YOU DON'T KNOW
BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD TO.

I already wrote about that. How I feel about it.
No sense repeating myself. 

Repeating myself bugs me.

My friend kept saying I was mumbling
BUT HE WASN'T LISTENING.

HIS EXCUSE FOR NOT LISTENING
WAS THAT I WAS "MUMBLING."

AFTER HAVING TO REPEAT MYSELF
THREE FKN TIMES
"JUST FORGET IT."

WHY SAY ANYTHING MORE THAN 3 TIMES?
If you're not going to listen, then p*ss off.

As sh*tty of a friend he can be sometimes...
He's been a pretty good friend sometimes.

The times it counted.
It always counts...

Just the times I never even had to ask for help, 
and he just offered it...

Like when I was moving here, 
he loaned me $200.

He said I could keep it as a housewarming gift LOL.
No, bud. That was a LOAN.

Told him he's getting it back
whether he likes it or not.

I have a feeling he'll keep it as "float money"
in case I need to borrow any.

I HATE BORROWING MONEY.
WHICH IS WHY I DON'T.

I didn't ask him to borrow money.
I was venting about something to him. 

He says: "What's your email address?"
Sent $100. 
Then I vented again, just to vent
and give him an update...

So he sent another $100.

Then he went MIA to study for his exam.
Before I could even say "thank you." LOL.

He turns his facebook account on and off
so nobody can contact him
(I don't call him during that time
unless it is an emergency).

Even if it was an emergency, I don't like "bugging him"
with ANYTHING.

I only did, once.
The ONE time I asked to borrow money.

Was because I needed to pay to stay at the hostel
When I got to Niagara Falls for my grandmother's sister's funeral.

Because when I told my family that I was coming, 
nobody had "room for me."

So I said, fine, whatever, but I already bought the ticket.
I needed like $70 to stay a couple of days.

He sent $100.

That was the ONLY time I EVER asked to borrow money.

He said he didn't mind helping me
because with me, it's for something important.

Otherwise, I definitely wouldn't ask for anything.
I'd rather he spent his money on himself.
For the things HE needs.

He knows this. I told him this.
"I wouldn't do that."
Why would I? That's so freaking selfish.

Even ANY of the times I ever asked to BORROW money
FROM ANYONE.
I FELT TOTALLY SELFISH DOING IT.
EVEN IF IT WAS FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT
AND IT WOULD HAVE TO BE VERY IMPORTANT
FOR ME TO EVER ASK.

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE DOING IT
LET ALONE HAVING TO DO IT.

My throat's getting sore.

My neighbor has been feeling "sick" lately.
Maybe I "caught" it from being around him.

I used to get "strep throat" in college.
Had it at least a few times.

I was given some oranges.
Maybe some Vitamin C couldn't hurt.

Wish that dude next door would shut up at night, though.
Apparently, I'm not the only one.

The other side, QUIET
AS THOUGH NOBODY'S EVER THERE
OR EVEN LIVING THERE.

I guess the apartment across from mine
is still vacant.

I think they were going to put me on that side.
But they gave me this one.

I'm getting used to being here.

Still pretty high off the ground.
Over twice as high as I was.

When they called me up, 
they asked: "Are you afraid of heights?"
"Not REALLY..."

As long as you don't look DOWN so much.

I pretend that the houses on the next street
are the houses on this street
because I can see the entirety of those houses.
I can just see the roofs of the houses on this street.

Seeing the roof tells me how high I actually am.
Maybe I'll get used to it, over time, 
but I sure am not, yet.

I wish the warmer weather would hurry up.
Next week's supposed to be gross.

March is a toss-up.
Could either be "decent" or gross.

"April showers bring May flowers."
April and November... It rains, a lot.
Not as much as BC.

Someone told me: 
"I was there for 2 weeks
and we only had 2 days of sun."

I got a raging sunburn. Worse I ever had.
It was cool, breezy, but sunny.

Went to see the ocean (for the first time).
Didn't think I'd burn, at all...

I "blame" my Finnish bloodline LOL.
People from Finland seem so pale.

There was a picture of two girls on a beach.
White sand.
One was from Finland.
YOU COULD BARELY SEE HER
AGAINST THE WHITE SAND lol.

I was thinking: "There's TWO girls in this picture?!"
Because the caption said "There's two girls in this picture."
I had to actually look hard at it
TO SEE HER.

Yeah, I'm starting to come down with something.
Much more sleep is in my near future, if I can...

Maybe fall asleep with my headphones on...
They seem to shut him out.

Shut out the world (and listen to music).
Tonic's in my tapedeck... 

I put aside Rock '91 lol. 
I can revisit that tape whenever.

I usually stick to one tape, 
let it rest, pick up another tape...

Tapes as in audio cassettes.

Someone wanted to buy my VCR.

The guy who I sold the bike lock and pump to.
He came with us to the church for supper.

He told me his name, can't recall it at the moment.

Still learning people's names.
Still meeting neighbors.

I have 21 x 12 neighbors 
because there's nobody on the 13th (doesn't exist)
And no apartments on the first floor.

So the guy who jumped was from the 13th, actually. 
It's just called the 14th.

- the vacant apartments.

I'm going to try to go back to bed.