not the best start of the day.
Didn't smell anything burning.
Didn't see any smoke,
when I looked outside...
The firefighters came,
they turned it off.
So probably nothing.
I actually looked to see
if I turned the stove off.
Because I was using it.
But I make a point of turning it off
BEFORE OR AS
I'M TAKING SOMETHING OFF THE STOVE.
Usually before I do.
So I can let it cool down, before I do.
The one time I set it off, so far,
is because I put the kettle on,
to make some tea
and forgot I was making some
and the water boiled out
and burned the kettle.
AFTER THAT, I DECIDED
TO FKN PAY ATTENTION
TO WHAT I AM DOING.
SO I DON'T DO STUPID THINGS,
LIKE THAT.
And this alarm could have been
something stupid like that.
SOMEONE NOT WATCHING
WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
Don't know if you remember this,
if you're from O-town, you might.
Well, we had a storm.
Was right after covid.
It hit a few areas of the city, pretty bad.
Power out for over a week.
People "cooking" in the parking lot.
It wasn't a tornado.
We don't really get tornadoes.
It was a derecho.
It's a storm, like a tornado,
but tornadoes twist around.
Derechos are "straight ahead."
Anyway, where I was going with it...
WAS THAT BECAUSE WE HAD NO ELECTRICITY
IN MOST OF THE CITY,
PEOPLE WERE USING CANDLES
AND SOMEHOW FORGOT
THAT CANDLES ARE LITERALLY
AN OPEN FLAME
AND CAN CATCH THINGS ON FIRE
THAT SHOULDN'T BE AROUND
AN OPEN FLAME.
How they could "forget" that...
I don't know.
Burn yourself with an open flame,
you don't "forget" that, eh?
I guess you "seem to remember"
as your house burns down...
All because you chose to be
reckless with an open flame.
Didn't have to be,
but didn't choose NOT to be.
Says someone who was reckless
with a kettle of boiling water...
Guess I'll remember I was making tea
as I burn the building to the ground...
Funny, but not quite.
Pretty much same thing happens
when any storm we get
knocks out the power,
because it's like we don't know
what to even do, without it.
Sure, light a candle,
but keep things away from the candle
that shouldn't be near it.
Like my brother, spent some time in a tent.
Had a "little fire"
inside his tent.
For warmth.
When he could have heated up some rocks
OUTSIDE HIS TENT
AND BROUGHT THE ROCKS INSIDE HIS TENT
TO GIVE OFF THE HEAT...
Because with a fire, outside your tent,
you can do that.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HEATS A SAUNA?
HEATED ROCKS.
and water to create "steam."
The "little fire"
turned into a bigger fire.
A "wish I hadn't done that" fire.
STEAM CAN BURN, TOO.
JUST LIKE SCALDING WATER CAN.
Even wind can whip your @ss.
"Windburn."
Anyway, if you f*ck with nature,
it'll f*ck you up.
AND CANDLES = REAL FLAME.
REAL FLAME = FIRE.
FIRE = KEEP SH*T AWAY FROM IT.
Not hard to understand.
It's science FFS.
What happened?
Skip science class to go smoke one?
I actually got the highest grade in science
IN MY WHOLE GRADE.
AT THAT SCHOOL.
THEY WANTED TO GIVE ME AN AWARD,
BUT I'D GONE AWOL, LOL.
NOT LIKE I WAS EXPECTING THAT.
ALL I DID WAS PAY ATTENTION.
WASN'T THAT HARD.
As much as I would have rather skipped
and gone to smoke one...
I WAS AT SCHOOL
TO BE AT SCHOOL.
WHY SIT THERE AND DAY-DREAM?
DURING SCIENCE CLASS
AND EVERY OTHER CLASS?
WAS I THERE FOR THAT?
OR NOT?
Besides, science is... Science.
This is why THIS.
That's why THAT.
ETC.
It's "good to know" stuff.
It's good to know "good to know" stuff.
Because, one day, you might need to know it.
Like how to heat a tent.
And NOT catch it on fire.
HOW TO OPERATE A CANDLE.
SAFELY, NOT STUPIDLY.
Injury-free.
Damage-free.
Without any
"wish I hadn't done that."
Or "whoops, too late now!"
One part in a movie...
Casanova Brown...
He goes to meet his wife's parents for the first time.
He "puts a cigarette out"
and put it in his pocket.
Only it wasn't out.
It caught his jacket on fire,
because it burned through his pocket.
Then his jacket caught the curtains on fire.
"The roof! The roof! The roof is on FIRE!"
Glad that it seems to have been nothing.
Or someone burnt their toast
or something stupid like that...
Or forgot their kettle was on the stove,
like I did...
THAT ONLY HAS TO HAPPEN ONCE
TO LEARN FROM IT.
But could learn from it
without having to "see for yourself."
"Maybe it'll be different if I do it."
Bet it won't be.
NOT UNLESS
YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION
TO WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
UNLESS YOU PAY ATTENTION
TO THAT LIT CANDLE...
The cottage that my grandparents had...
I used to sneak over there,
to spend the night there, by myself.
I remember the first night,
being "nervous" about being there alone...
They had "lanterns" glass ones...
Where the candle
could safely burn inside the glass.
And nothing could touch the flame
because the candle was inside the glass...
And I remember wanting to keep the candle burning
ALL NIGHT
BECAUSE I FELT "SAFE" WITH IT BURNING.
BUT THOUGHT THE BETTER OF IT
AND JUST TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP.
It'd have been MY fault
if I'd burnt down the cottage
just because I wanted to keep a candle lit all night
just to have it for "company" LOL.
WHEN I WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
BECAUSE I WASN'T.
I REALLY WASN'T.
IT WAS NOT MY PLACE TO JUST GO TO
WHENEVER I FELT LIKE IT
LET ALONE POTENTIALLY BURN DOWN.
All because I wanted to keep a candle lit, all night.
And had I fallen asleep with it lit,
would my excuse have been "I fell asleep"?
THAT'S WHY I BLEW IT OUT.
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T NEED TO STAY LIT
ALL NIGHT.
EVEN IF I WAS ALONE, THERE.
EVEN THEN.
Because I could have "fallen asleep"
with it lit.
AND THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T.
MAKE SENSE?
That's what thinking's for.
Even hot rocks can melt a tent...
But you use them in a type of way
that doesn't "allow" them to do that.
And they can "produce" all the heat you could need
until you have to reheat them.
EVER NOTICE HOW HOT PAVEMENT CAN GET?
IN THE SUMMER SUN?
AND HOW IT RETAINS THE HEAT?
STAYS HOT EVEN AFTER THE SUN DIPS?
Throw rocks in a fire and see if they don't heat up.
See if they don't retain heat.
Might not last as long as it would be nice if it did,
but it's still heat
without setting anything inside your tent, on fire.
Stayed in a tent, in the summer.
Not foolish enough to do it in the winter.
But there are ways to make a shelter
and insulate tf out of it
to keep the heat in
and the wind out.
Fire creates smoke.
Smoke that needs to be let out.
Needless to say that's why
there are chimneys.
Can't just have a "little fire"
in your tent
with nowhere for the smoke to escape.
With smoke,
you can't even see wtf you're doing.
THAT'S WHY FIREFIGHTERS TRAIN
TO EVEN BE FIREFIGHTERS.
BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO SEE
WTF THEY ARE DOING
REGARDLESS OF SMOKE.
TO SAVE LIVES.
I'll hear all about it when I go downstairs.
Someone might have even heard something.
And I'll get "the scoop"
Like I did about the person
crapping in the elevator.
I wasn't even here when it happened.
But I'll probably hear about it.
I hear about all kinds of things
THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO.
Don't even know if I should laugh about that...
A lot of wtf things. Told to me.
Don't know why.
COULD HAVE GONE ABOUT MY LIFE
HAPPILY,
NOT HEARING ABOUT XYZ.
Why does xyz even matter enough
to tell me about?
Like telling me about the guy
who jumped from the 14th floor...
CAN'T HE "REST IN PEACE"
WITHOUT BEING SPOKEN ABOUT?
MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE DID IT.
EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?
BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD SHUT TF UP.
ABOUT HIM OR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
Wouldn't that bug some people?
If they gave too much of a fk about that?
People talk about me, all the time.
AND IF I DID A SWAN DIVE
THEY'D TALK ABOUT THAT, TOO.
The only difference being
THAT I DGAF IF THEY DO.
Sure, sometimes it bugs me.
BUT DO I HAVE TO LET IT BUG ME
TO THE POINT I'D DO A SWAN DIVE FFS?
I guess when people can't see
anything to "live for"
THEY JUST DGAF ALTOGETHER.
That's what bugged me
about my father.
IT P*SSED ME OFF
THAT HE HAD SOMETHING TO "LIVE FOR."
AND CHOSE NOT TO.
BECAUSE HE DGAF.
OR ENOUGH OF A FK.
TO EVEN SEE WHERE HE WENT WRONG,
CORRECT IT...
He was only 31.
On March 31rst.
I dread that day.
All I wanted to do, on that day
WAS JUST DRINK
UNTIL I PUKED
AND DRINK SOME MORE.
Just drink myself into OBLIVION
AND BEYOND.
AND HOW LONG COULD I HAVE
KEPT THAT UP?
JUST BECAUSE I "COULD"?
WHAT "GOOD" WAS IT DOING ME?
ANY?
Or would I just be wrecking myself?
Over a choice that wasn't mine to make?
Here's one way to look at it:
I didn't choose that.
It happened anyway.
I could "let" it RUIN my LIFE.
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...
Or I could think of him
WHILE I PLAY HIS GUITAR
AND WONDER IF I WOULD HAVE
EVER MADE HIM PROUD
IF HE WAS STILL HERE.
OR think of the times he took me swimming.
And how he let me watch that movie...
When I was 10 and had nightmares LOL.
OR that I wanted arms "like his."
And worked on them from when I was 7.
BECAUSE I MET HIM WHEN I WAS 6.
OR how we'd sing that song, in his truck...
"It's too late.... When we die....
TO ADMIT WE DON'T SEE EYE TO EYE."
And how THAT VERY YEAR
MY CLASS HAD TO SING
"TEARS IN HEAVEN."
"I must be strong, and carry on
because I know I don't belong,
here in heaven."
"Would you know my name?
If I saw you in heaven?"
"Would it be the same?
If I saw you in heaven?"
WHAT THE FK KIND OF SONG
YOU GET A 12 YR OLD TO SING
AFTER HER FATHER
K*LLED HIMSELF?
But did they think about that?
BUT I DID IT, ANYWAY.
Because it was "with my class"
and "we had to do it."
HAD TO BE STRONG,
AND CARRY ON. Y'know?
EVEN WHEN I FKN DIDN'T WANT TO BE.
DID I HAVE A CHOICE
IN THAT, EITHER?
Makes me really wonder, sometimes
WHEN I DID HAVE A CHOICE
BECAUSE OF ALL THE TIMES
THAT I DIDN'T.
AS FKD UP AS THAT IS.
Because that IS fkd up.
To even wonder about THAT.
Kinda "makes" someone feel like
THEY DON'T HAVE A CHOICE
IN FKN ANYTHING...
ESPECIALLY AFTER YEARS AND YEARS
OF THAT.
To the point that's all they KNOW.
JUST NOT HAVING THE CHOICE.
DO IT ANYWAY.
EVEN IF YOU WANT EVERYONE
TO JUST FKN THINK ABOUT IT.
ANYTHING. AT ALL. JUST TO THINK.
Because if they did,
THEY'D KNOW
WHY IT WAS THE LAST SONG
I WANTED TO SING.
Even tried hard not to cry while singing it.
Just sang it.
What choice did I have?
Say I didn't want to?
And be told I had to, anyway?
Because life would stop if I didn't?
Like I was supposed to be "over it" 3 months later?
Some people never "get over it."
They let it wreck them, for life.
That's pretty much the only thing
that I had a choice in.
If I was going to let it, or not.
Because I could have,
but I also didn't have to.
Like I could have been an alcoholic
ALL MY LIFE
JUST BECAUSE OF THAT.
I could have just made it a "narrative"
ABOUT HOW LIFE'S NOT FAIR ETC.
AND THAT, AND A BILLION OTHER THINGS
HAPPENED TO ME...
THUS, I HAD TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC
(except I didn't).
I was actually using it as a reason to drink.
An excuse to drink.
FEELING FKN SORRY FOR MYSELF.
But I had to "make peace" with it.
Or drag it alongside me.
Like an anchor weighing me down.
Some reason why
NOTHING WAS "RIGHT" IN MY LIFE.
HOW THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
HAD THAT NOT HAVE HAPPENED ETC.
HOW A LOT OF THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
IF A LOT OF THINGS HADN'T HAPPENED.
That only being one of them.
I only brought it up as one of the things
that I could have "used as an excuse"
to wreck myself.
For the rest of my life.
And how I had a choice ABOUT THAT.
IF ABOUT ANYTHING, THAT.
When I realized THAT,
THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE.
AND I DIDN'T STAY "STUCK"
FEELING THE WAY I USED TO FEEL
ABOUT IT. Y'KNOW?
I started living my life.
A bit worse for wear,
but who wouldn't be?
And sometimes, I really don't
give myself enough "credit"
for getting "through"
some of the hardest times of my life.
Alone, even.
Not everyone can.
Because they don't seem to realize
THAT THEY HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT THAT.
NOT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
BUT ABOUT, THAT.
I hope I'm writing it in a way that makes sense.
For whatever reason, it still kinda feels
like I'm not "explaining it right."
Like it'd make MORE sense
if I explained it some other way.
"Your story keeps changing."
No, the way I tell it does.
Because it didn't make sense THE FIRST TIME.
SO I HAD TO EXPLAIN IT
ANOTHER WAY.
UNTIL IT MADE SENSE.
SINCE PEOPLE DON'T FKN LISTEN.
AND DON'T "UNDERSTAND."
AND DON'T "THINK" ABOUT ANYTHING.
LIKE WHY A 12 YEAR OLD
WHOSE FATHER K*LLED HIMSELF
THREE WHOLE MONTHS AGO
WOULDN'T WANT TO SING
"TEARS IN HEAVEN."
WITH HER CLASS,
LET ALONE AT ALL.
But one of the songs we sang,
besides that one
was the one I sang with my father.
IN HIS TRUCK.
And I was kinda p*ssed, singing it.
AND IF HE KNEW
I'D HAVE TO STAND UP THERE
AND FKN SING THAT SONG
AFTER HE K*LED HIMSELF,
WOULD HE HAVE STILL DONE IT?
Among the questions
I'll never have an answer for...
BUT SHOULD I WRECK MYSELF
OVER A CHOICE?
THAT WASN'T MINE TO MAKE?
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