And Just Be

It's cold today.
The kind of cold that makes your face numb.

Today, I saw 4 police cars and they had a dog with them. 
Someone asked me if I knew what happened, 
but they were there when I got there. 

And it's not like I can exactly go up to them:
"Why are you here?"

Just surprised me they had a dog with them.
I'm not sure if municipal cops have the dogs
or if it's the provincial or feds.

Something you'd think I'd know.

I guess I was feeling generous, 
replying to Mirror Smasher's belated birthday message.
Told him I was holding onto the last of
what he left here including 2 things he gave to me
and I assumed he gave them to me
because they were sentimental to him.

And he could have made a deal with me
about the mirror.
Said he knows someone with a truck.

Since he CAN'T REPLACE THE MIRROR
EVEN IF I WAS ASKING HIM TO DO IT
WHICH I EVEN POINTED OUT TO HIM
THAT I WASN'T DOING.

HE COULD MAYBE THINK ABOUT
SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF?

BUT WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

AND WHY WOULD HE STOP INSULTING ME?
AND STOP ACCUSING ME OF SH*T?
ESPECIALLY AFTER I ALREADY 
TOLD HIM I DIDN'T DO.

You think I have the time to do sh*t?
AND LIE ABOUT NOT DOING IT?

WHAT PURPOSE WOULD THAT BE?

IS THAT MATURE?
IS THAT WHAT MATURE PEOPLE DO?

But no, INSULTS & MORE IGNORANCE.
But what else can I expect?
What else even was there?

Realizations and appreciation?
THAT I WAS EVEN IN HIS CORNER?

AND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS
IN YOUR CORNER,
AND TRUSTED YOU

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP TRUSTING THEM
WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO BE
IN YOUR CORNER
FOR BS AND DISRESPECT.

But "Happy Belated Birthday." Why bother?
Since I "stole your stuff"?

Since I'm the "mentally unstable one"
FOR GIVING A CHANCE TO GET
WHAT I TOLD YOU I WAS HOLDING ONTO
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN FKN HAVE TO, 
FOR YOU, AGAIN, 

"I THOUGHT...."

But did you LISTEN?
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I WAS SAYING?
DID YOU HEAR WHY I WAS SAYING IT?

DID YOU DO A D*CK THING TO ME?
AM I GIVING YOU AN OPPORTUNITY
TO RIGHT A WRONG DONE TO ME?

TAKE IT OR DON'T!

Shouldn't be me giving out the f*cking opportunities
ESPECIALLY AFTER EVERY OPPORTUNITY
WAS WRECKED BY BS
BEFORE ANY OF THAT.

and I kept giving chance after chance
JUST TO TREAT ME FKN BETTER!!!!!!

He even had the chance to say happy belated birthday!


WHY WOULD HE EVEN DO THAT
SINCE I'M SUCH A B*TCH?
WHO "STOLE" HIS STUFF?

THAT HE REFUSED TO GET!!!

HE LITERALLY ACTED THE EXACT WAY
HE HAS KEPT ACTING. 

AND HE CAN'T SAY
I DIDN'T GIVE HIM THAT ONE LAST
FKN CHANCE TO DO RIGHT.

He literally told me "STOP CONTACTING ME."
THEN SAYS "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY."

THEN SAID "WHY NOT MESSAGE ME
INSTEAD OF PUTTING EVERYTHING OUT HERE LIKE THIS?"

WHY MESSAGE THE DUDE? DOES HE ACTUALLY READ ANYTHING?
OR DOES HE SAY STUPID SHIT LIKE:

"BLAH BLAH, I'M NOT READING YOUR MESSAGES."?

IS THERE EVER A POINT IF HE CAN'T GET THE "MESSAGE"?
WHICH IS THAT THERE IS NO FKN POINT.

IF I COULD HAVE JUST SENT HIM A MESSAGE
ABOUT HIS THINGS
LIKE THE FIRST FKN TIME I DID
AND HE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN A FKN MAN
GOT ALL HIS THINGS, 
CLEANED UP HIS MESS,
GOT HIS HEAD OUT HIS @SS...

There'd be nothing else to discuss.
AND NO DESIRE, FROM ME, 
TO DISCUSS ANYTHING ELSE.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, 
WHEN I TELL YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, 
THAT I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR THINGS, 

THAT I WAS TELLING YOU TO COME GET
FOR 7 FKN MONTHS...

THEN JUST FK RIGHT OFF.

WHY BOTHER SAYING HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY?
"How's this for attitude? But happy belated birthday..."

You stole my things!
(That you never stole nor wanted to steal)
(And you're not the kind of person who'd do that)
But happy belated birthday.

Insult, insult, insult, don't contact me!
But happy belated birthday.

DON'T CONTACT ME!
FOR HOW DARE I SAY THE TRUTH
THAT YOU SO DON'T WANT TO HEAR?


BUT HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.

I guess he didn't have to, even say that.
SO WHY DID HE, THEN?

JUST TO BE "NICE" TO ME?
WHEN HE COULD HAVE NICELY
TOOK WHAT I WAS SAYING AT FACE VALUE.

THAT NO, I DID NOT TAKE HIS THINGS.
THAT NO, I WOULDN'T TAKE HIS THINGS.
THAT NO, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS THINGS.

ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING TREATED LIKE THAT...

ANY OF HIS BS FROM ME....
HE'D HAVE EVERY RIGHT
NOT TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

WHICH I HAVE. EVERY RIGHT.
NOT TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.

OR HAVE ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH THE GUY.
WHICH I DON'T EVEN WANT.

JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
ON THE FINAL CHANCE TO BE LIKE:

I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A D*CK TO HER.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE XYZ...

Just to realize that and act like it.
Like an ADULT, FOR ONCE.

END ON A HIGH NOTE.
WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL.

Because that'd definitely been the last chance.
That I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE TO HIM.

but realistically....
WHY DID I EXPECT HIM TO SHOW ME
ANYTHING BETTER THAN WHAT HE HAS?

To even TAKE THE LAST CHANCE
TO EVEN SHOW ME ANYTHING
BETTER THAN THAT.

Just because I was giving it to him?
WHEN I DEFINITELY DIDN'T HAVE TO?

HE COULD HAVE REALIZED THAT, TOO?

THAT I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE AT ALL.
NOT AFTER THAT BS, THOUGH.
ESPECIALLY.

Let him deal with everyone
WHO WAS ABOUT ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

UNTIL HE LEARNS TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

AND IF THAT SHOULD EVER HAPPEN, 
which I'm definitely not holding all hopes for
EVER happening...

It'd be too late.

"Why didn't you message me?"
Why? So everyone who READS EVERYTHING
BETWEEN YOU AND I CAN READ IT?
SO YOU CAN IGNORE IT?

SO YOU CAN USE IT TO INSULT ME?

To get "somewhere"? "Communicating" with you?

And that's what it was like LIVING WITH THE GUY FFS.

JUST INSULTS ME, YET AGAIN, 
AFTER WISHING ME A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!

AND TELLS ME I AM THE ONE BEING
MENTALLY FKN UNSTABLE?

THEN BLOCKS ME FOR "POWER AND CONTROL"
WHEN HE'S JUST FKING HIMSELF EVEN MORE.
WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

AND 'REBUILDING" ANYTHING
IF HE EVER GOT HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS @SS.

He wants to talk to me about PLAYING GAMES?!
DON'T CONTACT ME! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.

But it was nice when I showed him that I cared about him, right?
THAT'S WHY HE WAS MAD
THAT I'D KICK HIM OUT.

AND WOULDN'T SEE WHY I WOULD?

AND HOW I COULD HAVE IGNORED TF OUT OF HIM
AND ACTUALLY NOT EVEN BOTHERED 
TRYING TO GET HIS THINGS BACK TO HIM, AT ALL.
LIKE NO LONGER EXISTING TO ME...

Why I wouldn't be cool with his "shitty attitude"

BUT THAT'D MAKE HIM UNPOPULAR
WITH THE LADIES
IF THEY ALL KNEW WHAT HE DID.

If you wanted me not to speak on it
THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

WHY SHOULD I PROTECT YOUR REPUTATION?
WERE YOU PROTECTING MINE?

BY BELIEVING ME WHEN I SAID
THAT I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR THINGS?

When I said fkn anything. Listening?
ABOUT ANYTHING?
ANYTHING?

But why should I have to fight to clear my name?
WHEN ALL I DID WAS HIT HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD
WITH A CAN OF POP
FOR SMASHING MY MIRROR.

I even had my brother and his friend
BRING HIM HIS STUFF
BECAUSE HE WASN'T MAN ENOUGH
TO FKN COME GET IT.

TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

Now that it's been months later
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG HE HAD TO
DRAG IT OUT FOR...

AFTER THE FACT.

Anything could have taken his stuff
BUT SO CONVENIENT TO BLAME ME.

SO CONVENIENT THAT IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME
IF SOMEONE ELSE TOOK IT

TO MAKE IT SEEM THAT I WOULD DO THAT.
JUST TO MAKE HIM DRIVE THE SWORD DEEPER.
TO MAKE ME WANT HIM EVEN LESS?

Why would I want someone I can't have that
BASIC RESPECT FOR?

and having that basic respect from me
is pretty much about having basic respect for me.

But every time I make a point?
And when they pretty much answer their own questions:

"How's this for attitude?" Well tell me. With your actions, FFS.
Then expect me to stoop to a low you would stoop to?
TO THE POINT YOU THINK I WOULD?
ASSUMED IT.

THEN HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY
LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED?

AND I LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING ELSE
TO DISCUSS. OTHER THAN GIVING BACK
WHAT HE GAVE TO ME.

AND SUGGESTED A WAY
HE COULD MAYBE NOT BE SH*TTY TO ME.

AFTER BEING SH*TTY TO ME.

DID I ASK FOR IT? NO.
DID I DEMAND IT? NO.

WHY ASK HIM FOR FK ALL?
WHY ASK ANYONE FOR FK ALL?

FOR THEM TO MAYBE
AT THE VERY LEAST
NOT BE SH*TTY TO ME?

Is that really TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
SERIOUSLY?

I feel like that, at the very least
SHOULD BE A BASIC THING.

TO, Y'KNOW, HAVE CONSIDERATION?

And maybe consider that I didn't steal from him?
Did I ever, before? No?
Did I ever, from anyone he knows? No?
Why would I?

Am I the drug addict that would want revenge on him?
Who stole from him before, and drove a wedge.
The whole time?

Like I'd really WASTE 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE
JUST TO STEAL FROM THE GUY?

Because I must have only been "after him for xyz" LOL.

Wtf of his was ANYTHING THAT I WANTED?
WAS MINE TO KEEP? LET ALONE TAKE?
WOULD HAVE BEEN WORTH
BURNING A BRIDGE
THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE
WHO ACTUALLY WANTED?

SO NOW, BETTER NOT EVER...
NOT EVEN TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...

BECAUSE YOU GOT TO, AND
COULDN'T JUST STOP INSULTING ME ETC.

SO NOTHING NOW.

I TOLD HIM I HAD NOTHING ELSE
TO DISCUSS. OTHER THAN WHAT I BROUGHT UP.

LIKE WHY TF DID I EVEN BOTHER?

LITERALLY IS NOTHING ELSE TO DISCUSS.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE. 

And it wasn't for lack of trying. 
BUT I WON'T BEG TO BE UNDERSTOOD
BY ANYONE.

Why would I bother doing that?
TO HAVE TO DO IT
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

He treated me LIKE HE EXPECTED ME TO.
FK THAT SH*T.

You know how many fkn times
I GOT TREATED LIKE THAT?

IN GENERAL?
NOT JUST BY HIM?

Like either I had to BEG to be understood FSS
OR TO BE WORTH LISTENING TO.

To be cared about. Considered. 

F*CK THAT.

What about any of it's been hard TO understand?
It'd be VERY EASY TO UNDERSTAND IT,
IF I WAS ABOUT THAT BS.

Wouldn't it?

If I was like insult, insult, insult, ignore, 
avoid, ignore, insult, insult....


AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO
PUT UP WITH IT FROM ME....

LIKE THEY WOULD HAVE EVERY RIGHT
NOT TO. TO JUST NOT TO.

THEY'D HAVE THE RIGHT TO
WALK TF AWAY FROM ME.

CORRECT?

THEN WHY PICK AND CHOOSE
WHEN TO BE "NICE" TO ME?

AND WHEN TO DISRESPECT AND DISREGARD ME?

And get MAD for telling the truth?

AND THEN EXPECT ME TO WANT
TO HAVE ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE
WHO'D FKN DO THAT SH*T?

Intentionally p*ss me off
After intentionally p*ssing me off.

It wasn't all about this disrespect.
YES, THAT'S A BIG PART OF IT.
HUGE PART OF IT.

BUT REALIZING I NEVER DID A DAMN THING TO HIM.
AND REALIZING WHY THAT WAS...

AND ALL THE OTHER FACTORS. FFS.

And people want to wonder why I'm turned off
of even thinking about dating or anything? Ha!

If you had a "love life" like that...
you'd be good being "alone."

Better off alone than to be treated like that.
He answered his own questions.

WHICH HE SHOULD BE DOING.
HAVE BEEN DOING.
FOR HIMSELF.
FOR HIS OWN "UNDERSTANDING."

Nope. Just couldn't. 

but pretty insulting to be insulted continuously
and "happy belated birthday"
like nothing happened.

AND THEN more insults!
Nothing changed!
Why would it?!

That would require some maturity
that obviously doesn't happen
overnight, 

but I would have hoped
for just a little bit 
in the 6 years I wasted hoping for some.

Why wouldn't you message me?
DID YOU MAKE IT EASY FOR ME
TO JUST DO THAT? EVER?

AND IF IT WASN'T YOU
OR HER COMING AT ME
THROUGH YOUR ACCOUNT...

LIKE SHE THINKS SHE HAS A RIGHT TO DO...

OR WAS ALL YOU DID WAS INSULT ME?
PUSH ME AWAY TO THE POINT
I DO NOT GAF ANYMORE?

BECAUSE PRETTY SURE THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
WITH YOU CHOOSING 
WHETHER TO BE "NICE" OR A TW@T.

So why tf would I "message you" about fkn anything?

I literally had like one thing to even say.
TO DO THE RIGHT THING
AND OFFER THE CHANCE
TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

That's all.
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO EVER
GO BACK TO TRY TO HAVE ANY KIND 
OF RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE
THAT I COULD HAVE HAD
OVER THE 6 YEARS
I WAS ACTUALLY PUTTING THE EFFORT IN
FROM MY SIDE.

WASTING IT.
On someone who showed me
he doesn't deserve it. 
More than a few times.

But once people start to see the real from the fake, 
then they'll realize, HOPEFULLY
FOR THEIR SAKE

THAT CHANCES TO DO THE RIGHT THING
SHOULD JUST BE TAKEN.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T ALWAYS
GET ANOTHER.
YET ANOTHER, YET ANOTHER.

UNTIL ALL HOPE THERE EVER WAS
OF YOU DOING THE RIGHT THING

IS DEPLETED BY INSULTS.

Why insult me? Push me to the max?
To try to act like you still "care"?
BY SAYING HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY?

DID IT TAKE THE 2 DAYS TO DECIDE
IF YOU WERE EVEN GOING TO SAY IT?

Because I'm "crazy" so why wish me a happy birthday?

Since you "put up with me" "being p*ssed at you."
WHICH DIDN'T EVEN GO AS BAD
AS IT COULD HAVE GONE.

Because why? Because I didn't take it there.
Could I have? Yeah? Did I? No?

I could have made it so much worse than it was.
BUT WOULD THAT HAVE MADE IT RIGHT?

Or was I moving on with my life?
After all the BS that doesn't make me
want to be a part of it?

Then "happy belated birthday" like nothing happened.

AS THOUGH I'M ACTUALLY SOMEONE
YOU THINK ABOUT.

No. People MISS the things I DID FOR THEM.
THEN THEY FEEL BAD, SOMETIMES.

OR THEY REMAIN
COMPLETELY IGNORANT.

But it's not like they MISS ME.
And knowing YOU WOULD MISS SOMEONE
IF THEY WEREN'T AROUND TO DO
THE THINGS THEY DID FOR YOU....

YOU WOULD LIKELY TRY TO
PROTECT WHAT YOU HAVE WITH THEM, RIGHT?

But it's like the only time they wanted me around
was because it was 'beneficial' to them somehow.

OTHERWISE WHY BOTHER?

I literally had to take a picture of my screen
and send it to him 
because some chick messaged me
about him ffs.
Supposedly I made all the bs up ffs.
According to him.

Like why bother trying to GET SOMEONE TO
JUST FKN LISTEN?

TO JUST FKN CARE?

Why bother doing it?

Maybe that's why I hadn't been
saying fk all to him? 

What else is there to say?
Actions spoke for themselves.

On more than one occasion. 
But I'm the one playing games?

Am I refusing to come get my things?
Somewhere I had no right to leave them?
At all let alone for as long as he did?

And I tried to extend my patience with that.

But he didn't need to push it, at all.
Let alone accuse me of things I didn't and wouldn't do.

And why didn't I? Why wouldn't I?
Answer those, don't try to make me have to do it.

Because I'll be p*ssed for having to do it.
Because why should I have to do it?

To prove a point
that you're trying to make it
excruciatingly exhausting to prove?

AND WHAT IS THE POINT IN DOING IT?

But what is the point of proving a point?

Then try to act like they never did xyz?
"Happy Belated Birthday."

But what else can you really say to me now?
SORRY? LOL.

Literally 2 things for 1 reason only.
Not all like "let's give this another go"
TO GO NOWHERE?
SOUNDS FUN.

WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT?

SO IT COULD BE REMOTELY
LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN?

Oh! You miss how it should have been!!!
BUT IS THAT MY FAULT?

OR WAS I GASLIT ALL THE WAY... AWAY?

That's right! Things didn't "work"
because of my "mental instability"
*Sarcasm*

NOT YOUR CARELESSNESS & ignorance?
Just had zero to do with that, at all?

I couldn't even say "I want to give some things back to you."
And since he did smash my mirror, and he knows
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT
HE KNOWS HE CAN ALSO DO BETTER THAN THAT.

BUT IT'S GOING TO TAKE
SO MUCH MORE THAN
"HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY"
LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

A lot of sh*t happened. To my face.

And if I went around treating people like that
WHY WOULD THEY WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME?

Which, is what the people
WHO WANTED HIM TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT WANTED
FOR ME NOT TO WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

FOR US TO NOT WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH EACH OTHER.

Which is what I wanted him to also realize.

BUT CAN YOU FORCE SOMEONE TO REALIZE THAT?
ESPECIALLY IF THEY REALLY DON'T
WANT TO "LOOK" AT THEMSELVES?

Because why would it be bad for THEM
if I WAS FKN TREATED FAIRLY?
JUST FAIRLY?

Opposed to what? Being insulted and accused, falsely. 
On top of the other bs.

Is that fair? Would that be fair to him? No?

BUT THIS IS WHY I DON'T BOTHER ANYMORE.

IT'S EITHER BS OR MORE BS.
I'M TOO OLD FOR IT FFS.
Can't he realize THAT, at least?

And just be too old for it, too?