Felt tired enough to sleep without it.
Now my head kinda feels fkd up.
And definitely awake, now.
Good to be awake early, today.
The thing I didn't get to do yesterday,
needs to be done today.
And the "people" are coming here
to check out the "property"
before I move out.
Which is going to suck
because one of the front windows cracked.
It cracked inside the frame,
and cracked all the way across.
Just like pipes can bust, so can glass.
Actually, I saw a picture
of a solid chunk of ice that busted
a toilet tank.
The water in the toilet tank froze,
and the ice busted the toilet tank.
But the ice was perfectly shaped
like the toilet tank it busted.
So, even toilet tanks can bust.
Anyway, they'll get to see it today.
And of course they won't be happy.
And I've mostly been packing,
not cleaning. Which I will be doing,
but likely when everything's done.
Cleaning isn't exactly on the list
of piorities.
Besides, they are going to be replacing everything.
The other things I have to tell them about:
The plaster's starting to pull away from the concrete, again.
This place is next to a stairwell so the plaster
of the living room wall
is starting to crack, again.
My bedroom:
While mirror smasher was smashing my mirror,
he only seemed to stop once the bat hit the wall
behind the mirror.
Like "whoops didn't mean to bust the wall" FFS.
That won't be hard to fix.
And the hole that I accidentally made:
I was leaning a bike against the wall,
and somehow,
the bike slid down and one of the handlebars
accidentally went through the wall.
Other than that, they will be replacing everything, anyway.
The floors, the cabinets, the counters,
the sinks etc.
Because I never got a "modern" unit.
They will "modernize" it when I move out.
Pretty sure the unit I'm moving to
isn't "modernized."
Not that it was important to me.
Just sucks when you know
that you're in a place
that has updated units
while yours isn't.
But the places I've lived at
were only to have a place to sleep,
pretty much, at the end of the day.
Sucks trying to find a safe, warm, place.
When you don't have one.
WHICH IS WHAT MIRROR SMASHER
SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT
BEFORE TREATING ME THE WAY HE DID,
BUT HE WANTED TO LEARN THE HARD WAY.
I've been there, long time ago.
I've stayed with someone
to get off drugs.
And to be away from people
who I knew who were on drugs.
Without that, I would have... I dunno.
Maybe would have continued the way I was going.
And it was one of the times of my life
that I hated myself.
It was more so because I wasn't...
Coming close to my expectations of myself.
In some ways, I expect too much from myself.
In some ways, not enough from myself.
But a lot of the time...
It's not for a lack of trying.
It often feels like the harder I try
to do something, anything,
the harder that "thing" gets to
JUST FKN DO.
WHEN IT SHOULDN'T
HAVE TO BE SO DAMN HARD.
Often feels like IT SHOULD BE
SO MUCH EASIER TO DO IT.
TO JUST DO IT.
JUST THAT.
BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
Probably the wrong example,
but it's something that's been on my mind.
AS SOON AS I AM INTERESTED IN
ANYONE,
IT SEEMS THAT I'M NOT JUST "ALLOWED"
TO BE INTERESTED IN THEM.
And the person who wants to keep me away
from someone I'm interested in,
DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO BE WITH THEM.
JUST DOESN'T WANT THEM
TO BE WITH ME.
BECAUSE I'D JUST BE HAPPY.
JUST THAT.
AND NOT BECAUSE I WANTED ANYTHING
FROM THE PERSON OF INTEREST.
LIKE THEY DO.
First, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE
AND SOMEONE ELSE DOES, JUST LET THEM.
Second, WHY SO MUCH PRIDE
TO HAVE TO WIN SOME GAME
THAT I NEVER WAS PLAYING?
Because...
AS SOON AS I LOSE INTEREST
BECAUSE OF THE "DRAMA"
(BEING EXPECTED TO FIGHT OVER A DUDE
THAT LOST ALL MY RESPECT).
And if he wasn't stupid to what was happening...
That he allowed to happen...
Things could have been different, but were they?
But as soon as I'm not "fighting for him"
they try to make me fight by coming at me.
I don't have to roll around in the mud, for one.
For THAT?! WHY WOULD I?
IF HE SAW IT, OR LISTENED WHEN I TOLD HIM...
MAYBE HE COULD HAVE SEEN IT
FROM MY POV.
BUT WHO GAF ABOUT MY POV?
Unless it affects them?
But if I "won" the "fight"
they were determined not to "let" me "win"
things would be very different.
BUT WAS IT ABOUT WINNING, FOR ME?
OR WAS IT ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE,
ENTIRELY?
THAT HAD IT NOT BEEN OVERLOOKED...
ANY OF THE BS....
WOULD HAVE MADE "SENSE"
"Make it make sense."
Can't understand it for someone
WHO'S BEEN TRYING TO MAKE ME
LOOK STUPID.
BUT ONLY MAKE THEMSELVES
LOOK STUPID
FOR TRYING TO MAKE ME
LOOK STUPID.
And the STUPID ONE
CAN'T SEE THEY WERE
TRYING TO DO THAT?
GUESS NOT.
Am I supposed to see everything for everyone?
AND THEN TRY TO SHOVE IT IN THEIR FACE?
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO IGNORANT
AND ARROGANT
TO LOOK AT THE FACTS?
And IN THAT CASE,
WHY WASTE MY EFFORT?
I literally wasted YEARS OF MY LIFE
THAT I CANNOT GET BACK.
FOR IGNORANCE & ARROGANCE.
Can anyone see why I'd be disappointed?
But mostly in myself
FOR STAYING AS LONG AS I DID
FOR MORE OF THAT BS.
But when someone you actually
could have been with, long term
CAN'T SEE WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM...
WHY SHOULD I FORCE THEM TO SEE IT?
THAT GOES FOR THE REASONS
THEY WANT TO BE "CHOSEN"
OVER ME.
ISN'T BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE WITH THE GUY...
BECAUSE WHY CHEAT?
It's because A***'s not supposed to "get the guy."
It becomes a fkd up game
with a bunch of losers.
Because only losers would play a game like that.
AND ASSUME THAT I WOULD.
AND ALTHOUGH I ENTERTAINED THE BS
FOR LONGER THAN I SHOULD HAVE,
IT WAS STILL ME ENTERTAINING IT.
It's because it'd feed their EGO
and sense of POWER & CONTROL
TO "WIN" OVER ME.
Which is fkd up. It's gross to the point
that it's beyond disgusting.
AND IF THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS,
GO FOR IT.
EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD ME
THAT'S NOT WHAT HE WANTS!
HE WASN'T HAPPY ETC.
WELL GEE I WONDER WHY!
But how was I supposed to be
EXPECTED TO LIVE LIKE THAT FFS?
THE FK I WANT AN ARRANGEMENT FOR?
That's what p*ssed me off about my friend that night.
Suggesting an arrangement.
WAS HE EVER THERE FOR ME?
WHEN I ASKED FOR THE SIMPLEST
OF THINGS?
Or did he invite a bunch of people over
WHEN HE AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO CHILL
AND THEN "FORGOT" I WAS THERE?
Then he wants to suggest anything?
Just because we're in our 40s and single?
Just any excuse, right? Fk that.
Even being put on the spot about that.
And him telling my business to his friends.
People really don't know me if they don't know
WHY THAT WOULDN'T BE
ATTRACTIVE, TO ME.
It's like this:
If it never went beyond anything
that ever did happen,
and I never brought it up,
after that.
And I never told you
that I wanted you telling your friends etc.
And I went out of my way
to help you write a profile
on a dating site
TO HELP YOU MEET A CHICK.
BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND
AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY
WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME.
CHANCES ARE THAT I DON'T WANNA FK YOU.
Fair enough? Or is that not?
"Why is it important?"
"Never thought of it like that."
Well, seems like you didn't think about it
ALL THAT MUCH
IF YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT
HOW IT WOULD COME ACROSS, TO ME.
That's one thing BESIDES GETTING YOUR RAG
AND SORE BOOBS ETC
THAT SUCKS ABOUT BEING A FEMALE...
GUYS TEND TO THINK IMPULSIVELY
BUT TRY TO BE ABOUT "LOGIC."
BUT DON'T WANT TO LISTEN
WHEN I'M SPEAKING FACTS.
Like he should have gotten the contextual clues.
That, no, I don't want to boink.
But take one thing OUT of context
and try to "make it make sense."
IF YOU WEREN'T LISTENING TO THE FACTS
WHEN I WAS SAYING THEM,
A LOT GETS "LEFT OUT"
SO HOW WOULD THEY KNOW ANYTHING?
Besides what some who wants to "win"
wants them to think so THAT they can "win."
AND EVERYONE CAN THINK WHATEVER
BS THEY WANT TO THINK
At the end of the day, I'm standing on the facts.
And the big one being:
Anyone who expected way too much from me
whether to try to manipulate me
or take advantage of my "kindness as weakness"
CAN GO FK THEMSELVES
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.
Da fuq do I need any of that for?
One dude was trying to get me P*SSED
at another guy.
FOR ME TO STOP TALKING TO HIM.
ON HIS SIDE, SAME.
EVEN THOUGH, WHAT?
I DID ANYTHING TO HIM?
WHY WOULD I HAVE?
That's why THEY HAD TO LIE.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I?
Oh, gotta convince him A***'s CRAZY
TO KEEP HIM FROM WANTING TO SEE HER.
BECAUSE THE MORE HE WANTS TO SEE HER
THE LESS HE'LL WANT TO SEE ME
AND I WON'T HAVE ANY
CONTROL OVER HIM ANYMORE.
When it HAS BEEN HIS FKN CHOICE!!!
Who he wants to see, why, etc.
"BUT IF I CAN CONVINCE HIM...."
"ABOUT HER."
"HE'LL STAY AWAY FROM HER."
"AND IF I THREATEN HER,
SHE'LL STAY AWAY FROM HIM."
Pssst! It's not attractive to let some HOE
WHO THINKS SHE'S SLY
CONVINCE YOU ABOUT ANYTHING
REGARDING ME.
And THREATEN ME? EXCUSE ME?
Sit ALL THE WAY DOWN, B*TCH.
I don't have to "play dirty"
FOR A PRIZE THAT ISN'T A PRIZE.
BECAUSE A PRIZE
WOULD SEE THAT SH*T MILES AWAY.
AND WOULD BE MATURE ENOUGH
TO HANDLE IT MATURELY.
NOT ACT LIKE THAT.
NOT FOR THOSE REASONS, EITHER.
Because since I'm so "stupid"
HOW WOULD I KNOW
THAT I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT
TO JUST DO WHATEVER TF I FELT LIKE?
Because if I did that,
I WOULD HAVE GONE "PSYCHO."
BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTINGLY
DISAPPOINTING
TO BE TREATED THAT WAY.
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVER
DONE A DAMN THING TO A PERSON.
AND THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHY
I WOULDN'T.
EVERYONE ELSE SEEMED TO KNOW.
OR WHY WOULDN'T I HAVE
JUST BEEN "ALLOWED"?
Because had I BEEN "ALLOWED"
THINGS WOULD LOOK VERY DIFFERENT.
What bothered me the most, probably,
WAS THAT I WANTED WHAT I WANTED
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
AND IT'S LIKE IT'S THE THING
THAT'S BEING "HIDDEN" IN IT ALL.
"Don't let him "see" why this or that about her."
IT'S LIKE HAVING YOUR CHARACTER
TARNISHED
BY SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO ASSASSINATE IT
BEFORE ANYONE
AND SO THAT NOBODY
GETS CLOSE ENOUGH
TO SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
But even when some people do,
IT SEEMS TO MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO TREAT ME WORSE.
"If I were you, I wouldn't xyz." About me.
"Why?" All the lies and BS.
BECAUSE WHAT SHOULD THERE BE TO HATE
ABOUT SOMEONE
WHO NEVER DID A DAMN THING TO YOU
EXCEPT FOR GETTING P*SSED
FOR BEING PUT THROUGH THIS SH*T
FOR NOTHING.
But it wasn't that I was there for "something."
AND THAT BOTHERED ANYONE WHO WAS.
As much as the fact I was there, at all.
BUT *WHISPER WHISPER* SHE'S CRAZY...
She's this, she's that, she wants xyz...
AND IF YOU BELIEVE THE BS
WHAT GOOD ARE YOU TO ME?
EVEN IF I DID WANT ANYTHING,
WHICH I NEVER DID.
Not often you'll even meet anyone
who didn't want anything from you...
And all you had to do was at least
APPRECIATE THAT.
AND HER FOR THAT REASON.
I mean, THAT would have been nice.
FOR AT LEAST THAT REALIZATION.
Because I feel like one realization
LEADS TO ANOTHER, TO ANOTHER.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE LIES....
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN REALIZED?
That MAYBE the only "revenge"
I felt even dignified about
WAS TELLING IT LIKE IT IS.
DO I HAVE TO BE WAITING HERE?
TO ATTACK YOU WITH THE SAME BAT
THAT YOU SMASHED MY MIRROR WITH?
JUST BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO GET
YOUR SH*T OUT OF MY HOUSE?
Because after you KEEP SHOWING ME
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE RESPECT FOR ME
THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE FOR ME,
NOT TO PUT ME THROUGH BS
YOU NEVER HAD TO PUT ME THROUGH ETC.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE IN MY LIFE.
I SHOW YOU THE DOOR, USE IT,
BUT TAKE EVERYTHING YOU BROUGHT HERE.
I shouldn't have to threaten to throw his things out
FOR HIM TO SUDDENLY CARE ABOUT HIS THINGS
ENOUGH TO REMOVE THEM FROM MY PLACE,
PERIOD.
But I'm only "trying to ambush him"
because I'm "raging."
No shit. He'd be raging if I did that sh*t, to him.
ESPECIALLY IF I LET A JEALOUS EX
OR WHOEVER THREATEN HIM ETC.
AND BROKE A FAMILY HEIRLOOM
OUT OF SPITE AND SHEER IGNORANCE.
AND PROCEEDED TO INSULT HIM
AFTER THE FACT.
But was I sitting here "waiting to ambush" him?
If I wanted to hurt him BAD ENOUGH
I WOULD HAVE JUST DROPPED HIM.
BUT A CAN OF SODA UPSIDE THE HEAD
AND MY STATING THE FACTS
EVEN THOUGH HE'S TOO ARROGANT TO LISTEN...
Then it's not for me to WANT TO BE AROUND THAT.
Someone probably tried to put it in his head
not to come get his things
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY
AND FOR OBVIOUS REASONS
I'M BEYOND P*SSED.
BUT MY POINT WAS THAT HAD I WANTED TO
I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT.
What did I do?
I allowed him TO EVEN COME BACK
TO GET HIS THINGS.
I TOLD HIM THAT THERE WERE SOME THINGS
OF HIS THAT WERE STILL HERE.
I TOLD HIM ALL THE REASONS I'VE BEEN P*SSED
AND THAT HE'S BEEN SO IGNORANTLY
IGNORING THE FACTS.
JUST THE FACTS.
It wasn't that I wanted his ATTENTION.
IT WAS THAT HE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
BECAUSE IF HE HAD BEEN,
HE WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT.
AND SEEN I HAVE MORE THAN ONE REASON
TO ROYALLY BE P*SSED.
And yet, as p*ssed as ANYONE WOULD BE....
DID I DO ANYTHING TO HIM?
EVEN PACK BROKEN GLASS IN HIS STUFF?
(It did cross my mind, and my brother's mind).
But I told my brother:
"Just because HE'S petty, I don't have to be."
AND I ALLOWED HIM TO EARN
A TINY BIT OF RESPECT BACK
BY CLEANING UP THE BROKEN PIECES
THAT HE "LEFT IN HIS WAKE."
Really wish he would just wake tf up.
But just because he did THAT
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO TRUST HIM
EVER AGAIN.
I've learned some very hard lessons about "trust."
Some that would probably make you feel like puking.
They make me feel like puking.
And it sucks when someone
WHO COULD HAVE TRUSTED YOU
ALLOWS THEMSELVES
TO BE CONVINCED OF ALL KINDS OF THINGS
ABOUT YOU
BY PEOPLE
WHO DON'T WANT YOU AROUND.
Because if they can't "use the guy"
they'll stop at pretty much nothing.
Which is sad in its own thing,
And didn't have to be a thing.
WHICH WAS PRETTY MUCH
THE ONLY THING
I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM ABOUT.
Because I saw it happening.
But default to what they are used to?
But who am I to tell anyone anything?
Even if for their own good?
But even doing it for the right reasons...
You'd like to NOT HAVE TO DO IT.
EASIER IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
SAY ANYTING ABOUT ANYTHING.
just to be CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD,
But wtf about GET YOUR SH*T OUT OF HERE
IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND?
You lost your "privileges"
to keep your things here
OR ANY FAVORS FROM ME,
AT ALL,
EVER AGAIN.
To be in my life, in any type of way.
SO WHY SHOULD I WAIT
UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU?
MAYBE YOU OWE ME THE FAVOR
OF GETTING THE FK AWAY FROM ME
WITH YOUR DRAMATICS AND BS.
If you're not mature and "ready" then you're not.
Is holding that against you supposed to
make me feel better somehow?
Just a fact to accept.
Disappointed? Hell yeah.
The fact also remains that if there is someone,
someday, or whatever. Cool.
IF NOT, NO MORE BS.
And it bugged me that my friend
WHO CAN'T BE BOTHERED
TO REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY
IN THE LAST 15 YEARS
OR ANYTHING I'VE ASKED OF HIM,
WHICH HASN'T BEEN MUCH
THAT HE HAD TO BE SO BOLD
AS TO SUGGEST AN ARRANGEMENT.
He couldn't remember that I WAS EVEN THERE.
THE TIME BEFORE THIS.
How is that attractive?
BUT THEY'D RATHER THINK ABOUT
WHAT THEY WANT, YEAH?
OR ABOUT WHAT I COULD POSSIBLY WANT
AT THE VERY FREAKING LEAST.
Like the VERY BASICS.
LIKE REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.
REMEMBER I'M EVEN THERE.
TREAT ME LIKE YOU REMEMBER I'M THERE.
TREAT ME LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM.
And if you have people telling you
THAT I'M SOMETHING THAT I'M NOT
THERE'S A REASON,
OR SEVERAL REASONS
FOR THAT.
THAT GOES BOTH WAYS, TOO.
There was manipulation going at both ends,
honestly.
But it was up to ME not to be manipulated.
By anyone with their own "agenda."
Same goes for him, too.
Why would anyone that selfish
want what's best for me?
Or for him?
But I'm not putting up with that sh*t.
People trying to give me a hard time.
WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
A hard time about even having conversations, even.
BECAUSE WHY?
"DO ANYTHING YOU CAN
SO THEY DON'T GET TO EVEN TALK TO EACH OTHER."
"AND IF THEY DO, ONLY IN TEXTS
SO I CAN READ EVERYTHING."
"AND THEN KEEP MAKING HER SEEM CRAZY."
"BECAUSE THAT WOULD P*SS ME OFF
ENOUGH TO ACT "CRAZY."
That's disgusting to be like that.
And if you can't see that, just bye. Y'know?
Is that "enough" to "make it make sense"?
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