Who Started It?

Woke up today with anxiety about my place.
So I got a start on the cleaning. 
It's not as bad as it could be...

And now, it's not as bad as it was.
I just need to organize tf out of everything. 

I have come to the conclusion that I have stuff
that I definitely do not need.
And stuff I forgot I even had...

I found a frame for the card from my father.
At least my mother finally gave it to me.

Anyway, my internet wasn't working earlier.
So I couldn't contact the guy
I was supposed to meet with today.
The guy who I'm making the site for.

If he's mad about today, 
I can send him all his passwords to his accounts
and he can ask someone else
to take over from me. 

And if I had someone to take over from me, 
I would just do that.

Just expects too damn much from me
and it's driving me crazy. 

So I was cleaning today, and I was washing the window sills, 
the window sills on the inside, and the tracks, 
of the little sliding windows...

And I noticed...
A crack in the glass. 
The window pane is cracked.

The only thing I can think of that could have
happened is water got in the frame, 
like moisture or something and it froze...
And cracked the glass.

Because it looks like it cracked along the frame.
It's a big window, so it'll probably cost $$$ to fix it.
And I'm not looking forward to telling them. 
Even though IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

I washed the wall behind the futon, 
I washed the floor under the futon. 
I washed the glass table tops, 
I cleaned the inside of the balcony door. 

The balcony itself has to have a full day.
A full day to itself. 

I gathered all my wool into my
"wool-valance."

I was talking to a girl in my knitting group
about my "stash" and I called it a wool-valance. 
She was saying: "What's that? I don't know what that is."
So I explained that it's an avalanche of wool. 
I just call it a wool-valanch. 

I'm really hoping to make a dent in it this year.
Going to this group, meetings...
It's like AA for knitters, 
but we're not trying to kick the addiction. 
We're more or less enabling each other LOL. 

After this one, the one I have on my lap, 
that I'm sewing the ends in...
I have another one to sew the ends in...
Then those will be done and donated.

One thing about "lap projects"
like blankets... Is they keep you warm
as you're working on them. 
Which isn't a bad thing...

I'll have to tell them about the crack.
Soon, too. 
Because it makes sense that it cracked
because of the cold. 

I know I didn't break it.
Because I didn't. 
And at least it's double pane windows. 
So the cold air isn't going to get in. 

Cold air coming out the vents, though. 
Should be heat coming out, not cold air. 
Super frustrating thermostat. 

At least specific things are grouped. 
Then, I can go through each group. 

I had to wear myself out, I guess.
When I called to get my internet fixed, tonight, 
the guy on the call asked me if I was okay
because I sounded kinda down or something. 

I'm just tired. I literally cleaned and organized all day. 
It's that I had bouts of depression. 
Like that "frozen" depression. 
Where you're already depressed, 
but you're also in shock, 
and just a big WHAM of a bunch of sh*t. 

And yeah, kind of an excuse or a reason
why I let it go for as long as I did. 

Also, I'd probably rather be coding or other stuff.
Than tackling tasks that take a long time.

That is why I'm doing it in parts.
Start in one corner, work myself around the room. 

That's how you gotta start, sometimes. 
Because one thing some people have a hard time with
is "Where do I even start?"

One day, could just be "the glass."
Another day could just be "the books"
"the laundry," "the cords."

Just whatever it is, just group by group. 
Until it's good to go. 

I moved a shelf into the bathroom, too.
I had it out here, in the living room, 
but I took the books off it, 
and brought it into the bathroom
and I'll say that my bathroom is much more
organized than it was before.

Which is nice. 
It takes me by surprise when I go in there, now. 
I have to get "used to" things being tidy LOL. 

I'm down to 2 more sections to sew on this one. 
It has 8 sections. 

It's the one that has the 8 blocks of 5 squares.
It's not very wide, but it's long. 
It's a lap blanket. 
It's not big enough to be a sleeping blanket.

I have beige left over and I'm going to use that
with some blue I got. 

I want to make a blanket that has "ripples."
Like "waves" instead of just a straight stripe. 

So I'll do that one, next. 

There are a couple of scarfs
that need their ends sewn, too. 

So those'll have to get done, too. 
Before I can donate those.

At least I'm making stuff
and it's not just hanging out, here. 

Plus, it's nice to give stuff away.

Kindness comes back to you. 
In unexpected ways, too. 

Not that it's the reason I'm doing this.
It's BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH
FREAKING WOOL.
THAT I MUST USE UP.

And it gives me motivation to do that, 
since everyone in the group is doing it, too. 
And it is nice to see everyone. 
Very nice ladies. 

The leader of the group...
There've been things I don't like.
But whatever. 

I'm not going for HER.

And hopefully, I'll have something to donate, 
actually DONE TO donate by the next meeting. 

A few ladies will be away on vacation. 
One lady is going to India,
where she and her hubby are from...
Probably to see family etc, 
BUT IT'S A LOT WARMER THERE
THAN HERE IN FEBRUARY.

Can't say I blame them, at all, for wanting to be
somewhere warm for the coldest part
of the winter. Winter sucks.

I'm very tired, now, though. 
Although I feel pretty good about what I got done, today. 
Doesn't feel like a lot or seem like a lot, 
but at least it is something. 
Other than coding and blogging...

They were talking about insurance. 
How their premiums went up, last year
because they live next to the river, 
and when the ice etc melts, 
the river floods. 

Even though they are well above the level
that the river can rise...

But the river does rise, quite a bit. 

It's weird seeing the trees looking like they are growing
straight out of the water.
And it's probably too much water for them to handle, 
but they seem to do alright, 
they're probably older than I am, those trees.

The beach used to be much bigger than it is now. 
A couple of summers ago, they were digging it out, 
the sand, to make it deeper, maybe, I dunno. 

But I remember watching a guy try to lift
a huge sand bag with a "truck thing"
and the huge bag has handles on it, 
I guess to lift it...
And one of them broke LOL. 

That reminds me of when I had a job
doing some landscaping stuff...

I used the rake to "push" the leaves...
And a guy I was working with tried doing it, 
and he snapped the handle of the rake, 
right in front of the boss. 
He wasn't amused, at all. 
It was an accident, though. 

At least he didn't do it intentionally. 
We were all there, we all saw what happened. 

That job wasn't so bad. It was getting up early, though. 
And getting to the place to get picked up from there.

In the winter, the guy who owns the biz has contracts. 
The contracts are for the salt boxes. 

There are usually big bins that they keep the
"sidewalk salt" in. 

And our job was to deliver those, and fill them with salt. 

So the guy would pull up with the bed of his truck loaded with salt.
He'd drop the gate and we'd go shovel it out of his truck
into a salt box. I kept up with the guys. 
Shovel per shovel. 

Shoveling salt, it's not the hardest thing... 
It's doing it all day, working up a sweat...

And the sweat freezing on your body...
It's a cold sweat. It feels gross. 
Sometimes it makes you wanna puke. 

Wasn't that bad. But one time...
The guy I knew who I was working with...

He was sitting in the front passenger seat...
And his feet were hurting...
Blisters...

I was in the back of the truck...
I didn't like sitting in the back
because the guys up front liked to smoke, 
and I don't smoke anymore, 
it just all wafted straight to me. 

Anyway, the guy's feet were sore.
So he took his boots and socks off in the truck. 
The guy driving told him to put them back on
because he didn't want to see or smell his feet.

But the guy refused to put his socks and boots back on...
And it got heated when we got to the site.

The driver spat AT him, not ON him, 
and he punched the guy in the mouth. 

And I got really bad anxiety from it. 
I don't know why. It was a lot of intense energy.
I turned to my boss and told him I just had to go home. 
So he let me go for the day. 

And we were out in the middle of nowhere. 
Still within the "city" but nowhere I knew. 

I just found the first bus stop and got on the bus that came. 
I told the driver I didn't know where tf I was 
and that I had to get to one of the main stations
so that I could get home from there. 

So he told me how to get there, was cool of him. 

All because the guy didn't want to see or smell his feet.
Right next to him, in the truck. 
Which I don't blame him. 

I don't blame the guy for wanting relief
for his sore feet, but he didn't have to do it
IN THE TRUCK. 

The guy ended up with a busted lip. 
For spitting at the guy. 

LIKE CAN'T WE JUST GET THE FKN JOB DONE, BOYS?
THAT'S ALL WE HAD TO DO. 

And these weren't small jobs. 
They were big properties that had to get raked etc. 

One of the bosses had a "truck thing" that was kind of like a mower.
He'd use it on the hills sometimes, 
it just sucked up the leaves.
And kind of mulched them. 
And it was supposed to make it easier
for us to clean them up. 

One guy called me "sweetie."
He wouldn't have said it to one of the guys. 
It really annoyed me. 
So I reminded him what my name is.
SO HE CAN CALL ME BY MY NAME.

THAT SH*T BUGS TF OUT OF ME.
I HAVE A NAME. USE IT.

AND IF YOU WOULDN'T BE CALLING
THE BOSS "SWEETIE"
DON'T FKN CALL ME THAT, PERIOD. 

That's what bugs me too. 
KNOWING THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT
TO THE GUYS OR TO CERTAIN PEOPLE. 

AND IF I LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT, 
HE WOULD HAVE KEPT DOING THAT SH*T. 

Just like that guy who keeps making advances at me...
He was talking about getting married etc.
And moving in together etc. 
No, dude. Just no. 

Thanks for thinking of me as someone
who'd be a good wife, 
but I AM NOT INTO YOU.

AND I KNOW THAT IT HAD MORE TO DO
WITH "CONSUMATING" THAN ANYTHING.
WHICH BOTHERS ME. QUITE A BIT.

I already told him that I don't want to hook up.
He had like 60 tabs open on his phone...
I went to close them for him, 
and they were all p0rn. 

I'd rather pass him off to someone else.
Because I am just tired of that sh*t. 

Even after the first time, 
I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 
Old guy, probably lonely etc.

BUT I WASN'T PUT HERE TO BE CLAIMED
BY SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS ME
FOR WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER.

It sucks even being looked at like that.
That's a huge down point of being a female. 

Guys trying to "get in your pants."
And when they don't succeed the first time, 
THEY KEEP TRYING
EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD HAVE
TAKEN THE HINT. 

IF I'M NOT DOWN FOR THAT, 
I AM NOT DOWN FOR THAT, PERIOD. 

DO I HAVE TO BE? NO.

HE EVEN OFFERED ME MONEY TO.
LIKE WTF. I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE.

I dgaf if someone is a prostitute, 
that's none of my business. 
To each their own. 

Maybe easy money or something, whatever, 
BUT IT IS NOT FOR ME. 

Besides that, it's been said that "entities"
if they are attached to people you have sex with, 
they can attach themselves to you. 

It's not just STDs like most people think. 

I just don't have the interest in it these days.
I've been with 2 people in the last 9 years.
And that was enough to give my head a shake. 

Neither of those "scenarios" were going anywhere.
I was just "there." There was nothing more to that.
It wasn't like they actually wanted to date me.
WHICH WAS THE MISTAKE
THAT I MADE BEFORE.

THINKING THAT'S WHAT IT MEANT. 
BUT IT DIDN'T. 
MEANT FKN NOTHING.
NEITHER DID I, TO THEM. 

SO WHY WOULD I JUST WANT TO
GO SLEEP AROUND?

PLENTY OF NEIGHBORS WHO THINK
THAT I WANT A PIECE OF THEM LOL. 

HOW EVER SHALL I CHOOSE? LOL. 
I'M JOKING. 

I choose myself. That's it. 

And the guys who WERE interested in me
ARE ALL OLDER GUYS, 
LIKE 14+ YEARS OLDER THAN ME.

And I learned from previous decisions, 
THAT OLDER DOESN'T MEAN
MORE MATURE. 

SOME PEOPLE NEVER GROW TF UP.

And why tf would I want to be with someone
WHO STRAIGHT UP REFUSES TO GROW TF UP?

I'm getting closer and closer to getting this done!
I'm on the last section of this thing!
3 more ends to sew!!! Woot!

Then I can put this one aside
and finish working on the other ones.

Are you excited? I am. LOL. 
Guess it doesn't take me much.

Well, the ones on THE BACK are almost sewn. 
I try to keep the tails at the back of "the work."
Sometimes some will pop to the front, 
so I gotta check both sides.

Just like with the glass table tops today...
I kept looking at them, 
"I just cleaned this."
But I had to clean the other side LOL.

When I was a kid, I was helping in the kitchen at Church. 
We had "pancake super." It was pancakes and sausages.
It was to raise money for the Church.

Anyway, my Grandfather loved it. 
He helped cook and prepare stuff. 

I was doing the dishes... STACKS OF PLATES.
THIS IS GOING TO SOUND REALLY "DUH..."

I WAS WASHING THE PLATES, 
BUT WASN'T CHECKING THE UNDERSIDE
OF THE PLATES AND THEY WERE STACKED...
SO BOTH SIDES NEEDED TO BE WASHED,
STICKY MAPLE SYRUP...

THE LADY DRYING POINTED IT OUT TO ME.
I FELT LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT LOL.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT, THOUGH.
BOTH. SIDES.

I remember my Grandfather in his apron. 
Back then, it was a smaller kitchen. 

The ladies, including my Grandmother, 
used to make "hot crossed buns" at Church.
In the kitchen, at Church.

My Grandmother would have been 100 years old, this year.
Three days after my birthday was her birthday.
Two days after my birthday is my son's birthday.

We were going to go to Niagara Falls for our birthdays.
And the bus crashed...

It was one of the sh*ttiest birthdays I had, for a while, 
but at least nobody was SERIOUSLY HURT, 
OR WORSE, 
AND AT LEAST I GOT TO BE WITH MY SON. 
EVEN THOUGH NOTHING WENT
AS PLANNED. 

Pretty much my whole life, right there.
"NOTHING WENT AS PLANNED."

"Life is what happens when you're making other plans."
Something like that...

YAY!!! I finally finished that dang thing.
At least I'll have that to donate next meeting. 
I'm happy that it's finished. 
Now I can set it aside
and not even have to look at it LOL.

That is the best part of the group. 
Is that I get to make stuff, 
and they give me the wool. 
EVEN THOUGH I HAVE WAY MORE
THAN ENOUGH...

IF I EVER RAN OUT, 
WHICH WOULDN'T BE IN THIS LIFETIME, 
I COULD JUST GET SOME FROM
THE GROUP'S "STASH."

Which was all donated to the group.
And all the members have their private "stashes."

It's kinda embarrassing how big mine got. 
Over 3 decades, though. 

Of impulse buying. 

I bought a lot of cotton recently. 
I don't know why, but I know what I can make with it. 

Also, been thinking of making dish clothes. 

I should feel satisfied with what I did today. 
I actually did make some progress. 

I don't know why it doesn't feel like I did. 
Maybe looking around and seeing what else there is left to do...

But I folded all my laundry, I "stashed" my "stash"
in the corner of my dining room...

I grouped all my books together, 
I cleaned my table tops, did a bunch of stuff.

Still much more to do, but I had to start.

And nobody going to do it, but me.

I knew a guy who grew up having a "cleaning lady."
So he never cleaned up after himself. 

And a lot of people don't mind making the mess, 
but cleaning it up? How do they do that?!

Even when I'm out, I can't just throw something
on the ground. 

Then we have people, coming here, 
from other countries just chucking garbage
on the ground. 

A lot of them HATE Canada.
If you hate it so much GTFO.

We should really have a GTFO "THING"
ALL THE PROTESTERS...
IF THEY ARE SHOUTING DEATH TO CANADA.
IMMEDIATE EXPULSION FROM HERE.
EXPEDITED. IMMEDIATELY. 

I moved furniture, and swept and cleaned behind it.
Also, I tied some wires back. 
Stereo speaker wires... 
Cords etc...

Ever see Wire P0rn?
It's basically pics of perfectly organized wires. 

I don't know if people actually "get off" on it.
Maybe they do, I dunno. 
Not judging if they do.

Anyway, the wires were bugging me. A lot. 
So I had to tie them back, and stuff. 
One of the wires got trapped
underneath the book case "thing."

I can't "lift" it to pull the wire out. 

What I have to do, is get a box and put
everything that I have ON it, in the box. 
Then sort through the box, 
and just have some things ON it.

Because it's been a "go to" place
to put stuff. It's been driving me crazy. 

I asked one of my friends to paint it for me.
He said that he would and that we'll have to do it here.
It's too big to take it anywhere just to paint it. 
It's got chips in it and scratches. 

He knows how to fix all that.
He painted a really nice piece for his ex. 

He was lucky to be with her.

Anyway, I think having it painted, 
will make it look "brighter" in here.
Also, there's another one that it'd be cool of him
to paint, for me, too. 

But I've also been waiting for those Dremel bits
that he said he'd give me. 

I have been waiting for a while and he probably forgot.

He had knee surgery, again, so he's been taking it easy. 
I want to ask him if he knows someone
who'd help my folks out with their eavestrough thing. 
I almost called it an eavesdrop and thought:
Wait a minute! That doesn't sound right.

Somehow mice keep getting into their trailer. 
So maybe we can figure out how they get in. 
And just seal it up...

They probably live underneath the trailer. 
There's what they call a "breeze way"
underneath the trailer. 
Pretty sure they are living in it.

Other than mice, they get ants, too. 

My mother said that when they pass away, 
they'll leave the trailer to my brothers and I. 
One of my brothers might just live there.

I can't see myself living there.
It's a nice "area" though. 

Just, I dunno. 
It's their home, not mine.
If that makes sense.

But I need to spend a whole day
on certain sections of my place. 

I'm talking "DEEP" clean. 
Which I already started. 

When it's done, it'll probably feel great.
To have that DONE. Y'know?

That's not the entire motivation. 
Just having a clean and orderly place...

Once, my mom and brother came over to help me clean
and organize. 

It actually helped me out, a lot. 

So does listening to music when you're cleaning. 
Because you're not just cleaning, 
with your own thoughts bouncing around, 
you can just focus on the cleaning and the music. 

Damn, my windows are frosted right now.
No wonder my window cracked...

Freaking cold winter. Gets cold IN here.
I definitely don't feel like going outside in this BS.

But, there are some things that are unavoidable...
If I had my way, I'd hole up in my apartment
until April and just... Code to my heart's content. 

I just really want to just design it right. 
I want to make my buttons function etc. 

That's the hard part. 
I already have a lot of the front end done. 
I just have to redesign it and make it function. 

Also, I have to set it up so that
people can sign up and start using it. 

I don't really care if I get less than 100 people, really. 
Everything starts off at zero. 

Anyway, a coder guy I met, he made an app. 
He knows how to program. 

I'd like to do most of it myself. 
He did offer to help, which is great...
I will probably need help with the set up. 
Haven't done anything like it before. 

But I'm working on the MVP.
Minimal Viable Product. 

Then you just build on it from there.
Something THAT WORKS, 
AND YOU JUST KEEP MAKING IT BETTER.

There was a platform for making sites.
It's still around, but the people who started it
are selling it to new owners.
And some people are jumping ship. 

A lot of people were saying it had bugs in the system. 
I had my paypal account frozen or whatever, 
and could only pay for it though Paypal, 
so my account got shut down, 
and I didn't bother trying to get a new one. 

But people were saying that it was a white label thing, 
that was pretty much patched together.

There is a such thing as too many bells and whistles. 
To the point that not everyone even uses all of them. 

Which was like this platform. 
They'd come out with some neat stuff, 
but not everyone was using it. 
And supposedly a lot of it had bugs that needed to be fixed. 

That's what drives me nuts about coding. 
DEBUGGING.

That's why I'm not a fan of Javascript. 
Because when it's not working, 
gotta figure out why tf it isn't. 

I don't want to keep going over the same code
TO TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT, 
FOR HOURS EVEN DAYS...

And chatgpt keeps telling me to use the console thing. 
Which I haven't figured out how to do.

It's just... It gets frustrating. 
The changes I made, recently, 
I feel good about those.
And when I complete all the phases, 
I'll be super happy...

And then, I'll likely start something else.

What I'd like to do, is scrape some data
just to see how some things "work" on the "inside"
of some sites for an idea of how to set mine up. 

Nothing wrong with taking inspiration from other sites. 
Outright copying them, though, 
obviously, that has legal consequences.

Besides, I want to make this thing my own. 
And if I join forces with that programmer guy, 
then we can make it OUR own. 

Damn, the heat was off. 
I thought I'd turned it back on...
I guess I hadn't. 

But no reason why cold air should have been
coming out of the vents...

I vacuumed at least one of the vents.

I keep getting calls from an air duct cleaning service.
I keep telling them I live in an apartment. 
I'm not responsible for cleaning the ducts, here.
But if they call the rental company, 
they might be able to strike a huge deal, 
for the whole neighborhood. 

And I keep getting calls from
"fund raising offices."
Fund raising for charities. 
You dontate to ONE and then they ALL
start calling you...

AND THEY PUT YOU ON THE SPOT
WITH ALL THE GOOD WORK
THE CHARITY IS DOING...

"Can we count on your support?"

And they want you to give them your card info
over the phone. 
And last time I donated, 
I got a bunch of charges on my account
that were not mine. 

Nobody has access to my account
except prepaid stuff, like rent and insurance.
They just take the money out. 

AND THEY ALWAYS CALL ME WHEN I'M BROKE.

AND I EXPLAIN TO THEM
THAT I LITERALLY HAVE NO MONEY TO DONATE, 
BUT THEY STILL TRY TO SQUEEZE SOME OUT. 

CANNOT GET BLOOD FROM A STONE, PEEPS.
I mean, you can TRY, but you just cannot. 

Once I get my living room done,
I'm going to get my "office" done.
Which is a desk in the corner of the room. 
I organized my magazines, but I just have to go through
EVERYTHING. 

That's why I need to just get a box, 
dump everything into it, 
take it out slowly, find a place for it, repeat.

Because, it'll be easier, to start from a bare space.
If that makes sense.

Easier to take it ALL away, 
and just add SOME back.

Haven't decided how I'm going to spend
the rest of the night.

Thought about watching a movie or something. 
Just have to warm up... It got so cold in here, 
my hands have been freezing. 

I wear "house socks" that I made.
So my feet are usually warm. 

It's that when I turn the heat on, 
it gets to over 30 degrees, in here.
I get overheated and feel like I could barf. 

THAT is why I turn the heat off, 
too cool it down in here, 
and then forget that I turned it off...

I don't have to pay for heat or water, 
so I don't have to worry about the heating bill. 
Or the water bill. 
My folks have to pay for their water.
It's not all that much... And they have a generator.
In case anything should happen. 

During the ice storm it was nuts.
People were going all "highway robbery"
because generators were in such high demand
that people were charging so much more
that they actually cost.

LET'S RIP PEOPLE OFF WHO NEED ELECTRICITY.

Just like how they justified doubling the rent...
Let's rip people off...

I met some chick who brought me to the room
that she rented in a rooming house...
I'd been to that building before, 
but there are stairs at the back
that lead up to another area that has a few rooms
at the top.

Same company owns that one that owns the one
that I used to live in. 

Which is a few blocks away from there.
Anyway, she wanted to "borrow" money.
I gave her $20 and she brought me to her room
to hang out with her for a bit.

Imagine a room, like a small bedroom, 
with a fridge in it.

Barely enough room for a bed.
She slept in a chair...

The place was small, like the room I had...
But they were charging her over $700/month.
FOR A FKN ROOM IN A ROOMING HOUSE.
WHERE YOU HAVE TO SHARE A BATHROOM
AND A KITCHEN... 

The one I lived at...
The guy upstairs always used the sink or whatever
when I was in the shower downstairs
and I'd get scalded. 

And the furnace got "condemned" one winter.
The furnace people came to check it out, 
and "condemned" it.
Basically, it needed to be replaced.

And the landlords were not about fixing it.

So the super intendents actually called the news station. 
After they were on the news for being sh*tty landlords, 
they fixed it.

And there was a couple living above my ex and I.
And for whatever reason, they were flushing stuff down the toilet
that shouldn't be flushed down the toilet.
The pipes busted, the guy next to us, 
who we swapped rooms with...
His room got wrecked from the water damage, 
because the bathroom
was right above that room. 
The room my ex was living in when I met him. 
I was in room #2 and he was in room #3.

Part of me wishes I had kept to myself.
But I wouldn't have my son. 

Just thought I knew the guy, but turns out I never did. 
And that is what concerns me about dating. 
I don't want to spend 5+ years with someone
who turns out to be something
I never thought they were...

I wouldn't have ever thought...

And as much as that makes me sick...
Like I could puke right now...

It was for me to learn what I needed to, from that.
I'm glad that I did, but learning THAT way...
It kicked my @ss.

Not everyone is how and who you think they are.
Thought they were, or believed they were...
Some people are very good at hiding their "true" "selves."
It's only later down the road when you find out that...
Nope, he wasn't who I thought he was.

Mirror smasher wasn't who I thought he was, either.
I had to learn that, too. 
Also, glad I did, but the WAYS I am learning things...
Could I learn another way? LOL.

JUST MAKES IT SO FKN HARD TO TRUST ANYONE.
I USED TO BE A LOT MORE TRUSTING, THAN NOW.

I think it was more because
I WANTED TO FEEL SAFE ENOUGH
TO TRUST.

ESPECIALLY THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME.
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE,
NEVER TO HAVE TO SECOND GUESS.
OR THINK TWICE OR WHATEVER.

JUST TO KNOW 100% THEY HAVE YOUR BACK.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT FINANCIALLY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT IN GENERAL. 

BUT ESPECIALLY NOT TO DO THINGS
THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME TO DO TO THEM. 

I really need to warm up in this place.
The heat is on, but it hasn't heated up this place.
It will eventually and then it'll get TOO hot.

But maybe it's better to be hot than cold?
I dunno. There is a thing as too hot. 
It doesn't need to be summer temps in here.
Not even in the summer LOL.

Was this place ever like a brick oven
before they installed the central air system!

I found ways to cool down and cool off...
But it WAS WAYYYY TOO HOT IN HERE.

I was thinking: "Damn I'm tired" and looked at the clock.
It's 10:30PM. Prbably should take my meds soon. 
Maybe I'll save movie night for another night.

It does feel better, having stuff done.
There's more to be done, but I started
and that is the main thing. To start.

There's a thing. Something like:
"You don't start off being great, but you have to start."
Or something like that.
I probably screwed that one up.

If you know how that saying goes, 
feel free to drop it in the comments.

Or whatever else you wanna say.
Just keep it classy, please.
That's all that I ask, okay?

Well, hope you have a good night.

Oh, I almost forgot to explain the term "hoser."
It's a Canadian term.
Not sure who started it, 
but it's about how people siphoning gasoline
out of gas tanks with a hose.

Supposedly it's somewhat derogatory, 
but when I use it, I use it as more of a comedic term. 

Anyway, they'd suck one end of the hose, 
to get the gasoline flowing out. 

I wouldn't want any gasoline in my mouth. 
Apparently, that's how they know to stop
sucking on the hose... When they get a taste of it lol. 

AND I watched a doc on cocaine and the journalists
were actually filming in the jungle, the guys making it.
Wanna know one of the ingredients of cocaine?
GASOLINE!!!

Yeah, I should get ready for bed. I'm zonked.
Sleep well.