Anyway, I had asked the guy for help with something.
And maybe he thought it was a ploy... The neighbor.
It was actually, just asking for help.
That's all it was.
And his reaction to the fact that I wrote a few letters
THAT HE NEVER RESPONDED TO
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
AT LEAST SOMETHING TO
TALK ABOUT?
I chose to just never ask him to help me
WITH FKN ANYTHING, EVER AGAIN.
I'D RATHER NOT, HONESTLY.
Because who's going to
GET THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT IT
AND ABOUT ME?
AND WHO WON'T?
Who'll see me as just a person
WHO DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT XYZ?
Who wasn't doing AB or C
because she wanted xyz?
BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY DOESN'T?
Like some people have thought I've been friends
with my male friends because I wanted to "bone" them.
Actually a huge part of WHY I LIKE BEING FRIENDS
WITH MALES IS THAT I FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE BEING MYSELF
AND THERE AREN'T USUALLY
ANY JEALOUSY WHATEVER
OR ANY WEIRD BS.
TYPICALLY.
And mostly, because we're supposed to just be
people, around each other
WITHOUT WHATEVER BS.
AND USUALLY, THERE ISN'T
WITH GUYS.
UNLESS THEY GET THE WRONG IDEAS
ABOUT ME.
EITHER FROM THEMSELVES
OR SNEAKY JEALOUS FEMALES
WHO DON'T WANT EITHER OF US
TO HAVE EACH OTHER LOL.
But whatever it is, there usually
isn't any f*cked up sh*t that can come with some females.
WHICH MAKES IT EASIER FOR ME
TO FEEL MORE "COMFORTABLE"
BEING MYSELF,
BUT EVEN WITH MOST MALE FRIENDS,
LIKE THE CLOSEST FRIENDS I HAVE,
I'M NOT COMPLETELY MYSELF.
Because, THEY ALL STILL JUDGE
EVEN WHEN I'M BEING
CLOSER TO WHAT THEY WANT TO SEE.
And there's having to LET THEM BE RIGHT
WHEN THEY WERE SO FKN WRONG
THEY WOULDN'T KNOW LEFT FROM RIGHT.
Wrong about me, absolutely.
I may not be perfect and I may not be easy to read
when I don't "let" anyone read me.
THE ONES WHO MISREAD ME...
SHOULD THEY GET TO?
OR HAVE THEY SHOWN ME WHY
I DON'T LET THEM?
Does that make "sense"? or am I "crazy"?
If I was crazy, I wouldn't even be ABLE to explain
any of this in a way that at least makes sense to me.
I wouldn't be asking anyone, let alone random strangers
on the internet
IF SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME
MAKES ANY ACTUAL SENSE.
I wouldn't question it at all...
Because what makes sense to me "should" make sense to others...
Or so one might think,
but there were times that some things
only made sense to me
AND NOBODY SEEMED TO GET IT
FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, AT ALL.
Even though I don't know why it should be so damn HARD.
I wouldn't have to type all these things out, and make all these points
IF I COULD JUST MAKE A POINT
OF NOT HAVING TO MAKE ANY POINTS
BECAUSE THE POINT OF THAT WOULD BE...
POINTLESS? I DUNNO.
But maybe pointing some things out,
so that others can point out some things
that I've pointed out
AND OFTEN FORGOT THAT I DID,
So that some things, if they do actually make some sense
can just make sense
and that's all that it does, if it makes sense,
it just exists to make sense. That's it.
And if that's all I could hope from writing anything, is for that,
then it wouldn't be so bad to hope for that?
Besides explaining all my disappointments, resentments,
all the things I've brooded over for too big a chunk of my life...
That I don't have to let continue my tales of whateverness...
To control what I think about all the damn time, etc...
Because I already wanted to know why
"Life's not been "fair."" FOR ME.
With all the BS that's happened,
THAT I'M NOT DEFINED BY BTW...
I am not the events that helped shape me...
THAT I HAD TO LEARN FROM
WHETHER I WANTED TO, OR NOT.
SOMETHING ABOUT IT,
EVEN SOME THINGS STILL YET TO SEE...
Sure, I can handle rejection, etc.
I HAVE, FROM MY OWN CHILD FSS.
TELL ME HOW EASY THAT WAS...
AND HAS BEEN...
It's not THE FACT OF BEING REJECTED...
IT'S HOW. JUST HOW.
BECAUSE I get it. People have choices,
BUT WHEN SOMEONE MAKES A CHOICE
BASED ON THE WRONG IDEAS
THAT CHOICE IS STILL THEIR CHOICE.
Was the WORST thing I could have ever done,
is wrote the dude a few letters?
THEN WHY REACT LIKE IT WAS
ANY KIND OF A DEAL
THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR
ANY KIND OF A DEAL?
And it's fair to reject a person,
FOR ALL KINDS OF REASONS.
EVEN IF THAT REASON IS
THAT YOU HAD THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT THEM.
ESPECIALLY COMING FROM
SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM AROUND
FOR WHATEVER REASON.
And I've dealt with jealousy from my end, too.
Sometimes male friends being jealous
of other male friends.
Which doesn't happen, often, rarely.
Like a guy I was hanging out with....
HAD ZERO INTENTIONS OF ANYTHING
OTHER THAN JUST HANGING OUT
AS FRIENDS, THAT'S IT...
HE KNEW I LIKED A GUY
AND HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO DIG UP DIRT ON THE GUY
I NEVER ASKED HIM TO DIG UP...
WANTED ME P*SSED AT THE GUY
TO FORGET ABOUT HIM, ETC.
I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY,
AND I'M NOT ASSUMING THAT IS WHY,
BUT HOW MANY REASONS
COULD THERE HAVE BEEN?
And I don't even like thinking that way
ABOUT ANYONE.
BUT GIRLS DO THAT ABOUT OTHER GIRLS
AND I HAVE HAD THAT DONE ABOUT ME.
AND WHEN THEY HAD NOTHING ON ME,
BECAUSE HOW WOULD THEY KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
TO "HAVE" ANYTHING "ON" ME?
Just to stir sh*t up.
GETTING A GUY RILED AT ME
OVER BS THAT WASN'T EVEN TRUE.
OR IT WOULD HAVE COME FROM WHO?
IT WOULD HAVE COME FROM ME.
CORRECT?
Not from anyone who doesn't know me worth a sh*t.
MAYBE THERE ARE REASONS THEY DON'T?
Could that be one of the reasons?
Because they do sh*t like that?
They act and think like that?
Anyway, just assumed everything about me
TO THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL, ABOUT ME.
BUT I CAN READ PEOPLE PRETTY WELL.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT ME TO.
JUST MAKES IT HARDER,
DOESN'T MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE.
And I have to stop lying to myself thinking
that what I was seeing wasn't really what I was seeing.
And giving chances to show me, differently.
BECAUSE...
JUST BECAUSE I WANT THEM TO
SHOW ME DIFFERENTLY
DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY WILL.
SO JUST BECAUSE YOU KEEP
GIVING THEM CHANCES TO,
DOESN'T MEAN THEY WILL.
UNLESS WHAT?
UNLESS THEY WANT TO.
AND HAD THEY,
THEY WOULD HAVE.
They already showed you what they wanted to do...
Mirror smasher wanted to smash my mirror, he did,
Head puncher wanted to punch me in the head, he did.
My ex wanted to alienate me from my own kid, he did.
People who wanted to try to make me seem (whatever), did.
People who wanted to insult me, did.
People who wanted to try to rub salt in my "wounds," did.
Can't isolate an introvert, lol.
With lies, manipulation, slander etc.
BECAUSE THEY PREFER TO BE ALONE
BECAUSE OF THAT BS.
Is wanting to be alone, supposed to "hurt"?
I'd rather BE COMPLETELY ALONE
THAN DEAL WITH ANYONE'S BS. OKAY?
Even if it means they think I don't care
and they can feel sorry for themselves
and miss things ABOUT me,
because if it had been about ME,
it wouldn't have gone
the way it did.
If it had been about ME,
maybe it'd have been OKAY to know me
AS A PERSON,
NOT JUST A NEIGHBOR
OR SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT
WANTED TO "BONE" YOU
BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT
THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE WAS
EVER ASKING FOR YOUR HELP
WAS TO "BONE" YOU FFS.
It would have just been OKAY
to see me as MORE than feet, or whatever.
It would have been OKAY
to act your fkn age...
Which it should be OKAY, regardless.
SHOULD BE OKAY TO EVEN
THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS...
But, it's their right to choose not to.
Was I always choosing to? No?
Because I'm perfect? No. I'm definitely not.
But at least I know I shouldn't do things
that I shouldn't do.
But why should I even have to make a point
EVEN ABOUT THAT?
It's like I'm constantly forced to make or have a point
FOR ANYTHING I SAY TO HAVE ANY
VALIDITY.
And if you've lived your life, like that,
YOU REALLY WISH THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
THAT AT LEAST ONE PERSON, OUT THERE,
DIDN'T WANT YOU TO.
AND MAYBE THAT WAS THE POINT
in "romanticizing" lol.
I laugh at my "day dreams" lol.
I once sent "Iron Heart" some "erotica" I wrote.
F*CKING EMBARRASSING AF.
I don't even know what kind of a response, if any
I was even hoping for, if anything.
"That was hot, A***, please send some more." LOLOLOLOL.
I can't even imagine that coming from him, LOLOLOL.
Was hoping to hear from him, but haven't.
The time I heard from him, after he reached out....
After it being a really long time...
I definitely wasn't expecting to hear from him, again.
I'll just leave it at "he's living his life."
Anyway, I laugh at myself ever "romanticizing" ANYTHING
BECAUSE WHERE DID IT EVER GET ME?
Definitely can't "romanticize" "love"
When all I've ever seemed to be to anyone was (whatever).
Supposedly it's a "fantasy" to "bone" all my neighbors, though...
Better go run and tell everyone *sarcasm*
No, it's a "fantasy" for everyone TO GET THE FKN POINT
WITHOUT ME HAVING TO SAY A DAMN THING
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING.
How's that for a "fantasy"? Good enough?
Make ya wanna quiver at the knees?
Filled with the deepest desire?
Well, BOOM. That's mine.
Not a lot more SEXIER than that, to me.
I wouldn't have to say a DAMN THING
FOR THEM TO GET THE POINTS
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE FOREVER.
IT'S EITHER I DO OR DON'T.
On here, it's easier.
Out there, not so much.
BUT WHEN I'M BEING FKN BLUNT AF
PEOPLE TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY
AND MAKE IT SOMETHING
IT'S NOT AND NEVER WAS
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO
BECAUSE THEY DON'T ACTUALLY
HAVE TO.
But really, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
GET THE POINT ACROSS?
I know ramming the facts up their @ss
or shoving the facts down their throats
isn't going to "magically"
"make them understand."
What bugs me is when they DO understand.
And try to act like they don't.
And there've been times I've tried it "their way"
WHICH DOESN'T SEEM
TO HAVE MADE THEM HAPPY, EITHER.
CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
And neither can I.
I can't want to have close, reliable friends
AND BE SICK OF THE BS TO JUST NOT
EVEN TRY ANYMORE...
But not to have someone try FOR me, too.
For ME, not because they wanted something.
And at least two women saw me as a "daughter"
and I never asked for that.
But not when I disappointed them
by not actually being their daughter...
Which is another thing someone told me about.
That their mother was adopted to "replace"
a daughter who'd died...
GIVEN THE DEAD GIRL'S NAME...
I SH*T YOU NOT...
AND ABUSED HER
FOR NOT ACTUALLY BEING
THEIR DAUGHTER.
BECAUSE SHE WASN'T.
This is part of the reason that I really resent
the thought of being the "rebound."
Because I'd just be there, to fill a "void."
But imagine adopting a kid,
and putting them through THAT SH*T?!
THINKING THAT'S THE ONLY REASON
THEY WERE EVEN THERE...
WAS BECAUSE OF AND FOR THAT.
"They want HER BACK, not me."
Didn't care about her feelings...
SHE WASN'T EVEN HER OWN PERSON,
GIVEN SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME
AND SUPPOSED TO BE AND ACT LIKE HER,
ONLY A SUBSTITUTE. WTF.
I'd rather not be a substitute.
I mean, if it's in a good way, okay,
BUT I MEANT IN GENERAL.
Speaking of substitutes, I substituted
pop for alcohol when I first quit drinking.
It worked, but I weened myself off pop, too.
I'll still drink a pop here and there,
but I don't drink it every day.
I don't drink it like it's going out of style, lol.
If I go out, socially, I'll have a pop,
or if I'm offered one,
sometimes, not often, I'll just buy one,
But mostly, after "using it as a substitute"
I didn't "need" or want either of them.
But I'd still take pop over alcohol,
alcohol and I are completely through.
No chance of reconciling with alcohol.
No chance of me being tempted with it.
It was a "love" / "hate" relationship.
I loved the feeling of being drunk,
but I hated the side effects of being drunk.
And what kind of person I became
because I let it consume most of my life.
Still hate that, but it was what it was.
Isn't what it "isn't, anymore."
Something like that.
I'm happy for at least that.
But substituting one person for another...
AND BEING MAD THEY DON'T COMPARE?
ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO? OR WHAT?
IN EVERY POSSIBLE, CONCEIVABLE WAY?
THEY AREN'T THEIR OWN, UNIQUE, PERSON?
WHO MIGHT WANT TO BE TREATED AS SUCH?
WOULDN'T YOU?
Anyway, it's not hard to see that from someone else's
perspective, so I don't know why it seems so hard
to see it from mine.
That's pretty much all I was saying. About that.
And why be THAT selfish that she had to be
A REPLACEMENT FOR THEM?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED HER TO BE?
TO THE POINT THEY GAVE HER
THEIR DEAD DAUGHTER'S NAME!
And what was I? It was fun when they all got together
ABOUT WHAT THEY PARTICIPATED IN.
AS THOUGH IT WAS A JOKE.
BUT CAN'T PLAY A GAME
SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY, EH?
BECAUSE IT'S ONLY A GAME
IF I PLAYED MY ROLE
AS THE ONE WHO GETS F*CKED OVER.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I GET TO HAVE
SOMETHING I WANTED?
EVEN IF IT WAS SIMPLE.
EVEN IF SOMETHING IS OWED TO ME...
They wanted me not to have what I wanted
AND I DIDN'T WANT THE SAME THINGS
FOR THE SAME REASONS AS THEY DID
BUT JUST IN CASE I DID,
I COULDN'T, JUST COULDN'T.
Like it got to the point that ANY written communication
COMING FROM ME
SHE HAD TO READ IT.
NOT COMMUNICATION
INTENDED FOR HER,
BUT HOW COULD SHE INTERCEPT
OR INTERJECT
IF SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE THINGS
THAT WERE NOT HER BUSINESS?
That's why I'd rather not fkn communicate.
AND IF HE CARED ABOUT COMMUNICATING
HE WOULD HAVE DONE A MUCH BETTER JOB AT THAT
AND HE WOULDN'T HAVE KEPT
LETTING HER INTERCEPT, INTERJECT, INTERRUPT ETC.
And he kept showing me how he didn't want to
keep FROM letting her do that,
SO WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
WAIT UNTIL HE DOES?
KEEP LIVING LIKE THAT?
SHE WOULDN'T.
BUT I'M NOT THE ONE DEMANDING IT.
YES I WAS P*SSED HE KEPT LETTING HER
AND SEEMED BLIND TO WHY
SHE KEPT DOING IT.
AND THE FACT SHE KEPT DOING IT
BECAUSE HE KEPT LETTING HER...
P*ssed because of all of that...
AND NOT WANTING TO LIVE LIKE THAT.
AND I SURE AS HELL WILL NOT BE
A SUBSTITUTE FOR HER IN ANY FKN WAY, PERIOD.
Didn't get to know me well or long enough
for me to want to be anything, in his life.
LET ALONE A SUBSTITUTE
FOR SOMEONE WHO KEPT DOING THAT
AND CHEATING ON HIM.
SHE WANTS IT BOTH WAYS.
DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM,
DOESN'T WANT HIM WITH ANYONE ELSE.
Why? Because he could experience
SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT?
BUT YOU CAN'T GO AROUND TREATING PEOPLE
THE WAY YOU'RE USED TO BEING TREATED
AND THINK THEY WANT TO BE THERE.
Like I've been treated AS THOUGH
I DID EVERY FKN BAD THING AN EX DID TO THEM.
AM I THAT EX? OR AM I ME?
Bugs me to even ask that.
To ask a lot of things, but especially that.
I'm almost out of marijuana, but I needed a break, anyway.
You know when you don't actually get "high,"
or you do, but it doesn't last as long?
That's where I'm at, again.
I took a break for over a year.
I had around 30 grams of pot.
It lasted me over a year, maybe two
because I wasn't smoking any of it.
I used to smoke 1gram to 2grams /day.
And looking back, it was excessive.
And it was also illegal.
Anyway, I have a bit saved for tonight,
and I will be out.
Save for some resin that I keep for "desperate times."
Then, when I'm out, that's it.
But, my goal, this year, is to cut back on stuff.
And to make a dent in my "stash."
The other "other" "stash."
The "stash" that I should maybe prep people for...
"BTW, I have an addiction, so I have "stuff" at my place...
Just, uh, pretend you don't see it."
And then when they ask what the addiction is...
"It's not what you think..."
Meanwhile, I have a wool-valanch...
The "elephant" in the room...
That leaves "tracks" all around my apartment...
I mostly have it "contained."
But it's most definitely is there.
No denying it, or trying to hide it...
As long as I keep making a dent in it...
And that's kinda how I feel about coding...
As long as I keep making a dent in it...
Haven't started, yet, today, and it's actually late , for me.
There've been days I got back at it as soon as I woke up.
It's been a few days since I wrote anything on here
and that's usually because I'm keeping myself busy.
Anyway, hope 2025's been decent for ya, so far.
So far, so good?
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