They Should Already Know This

There's a knitting meeting tomorrow. I should probably go.
Plus, there'll be snacks and tea. 

And the ladies are nice.

The thing is that I haven't been doing much
crocheting lately, or knitting
because I've mostly been coding. 

Despite some breaks to do stuff, 
that I need to do, I've been coding. 

Haven't been watching TV or anything. 
The only time I seem to is when I'm at my folks'.

Other than that, just coding. 
I had an offer to program it. 
Once it's done. 

It will likely take a long time
because there are a bunch of parts to it.
It's not like a one and done, 
it's complicated. 
I trust the guy, though.
He seems to trust me
because he showed me his CMS.
The one he's been building on his own. 

He said I can use it. It'd definitely be a way to test it.
I don't know the back end stuff, hardly. 

My friend told me I should get into
Object oriented programming. 
OOPS! LOL.

Yes, I'm weird like that.
By now, I don't know why anyone
wouldn't be used to it.

(Shrug?)

Oh! I shrugged to a lady and she got mad.
"Seriously?!"

WTF DID SHE WANT ME TO SAY?
"SORRY YOU'RE NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT?"
"EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE ACTING F*CKING ENTITLED
AND SELFISH AND THE RULES APPLY TO EVERYONE,
NOT JUST YOU?"
"AND YOU CAN'T JUST DEMAND WHATEVER YOU WANT?"

Because those were the thoughts going on, in my head.
SO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
WHEN SHE TURNED AROUND
AND LOOKED AT ME.

I SHRUGGED AT HER.

As to say "WTF do you WANT me to say?"
AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE A
LIP SERVICE PERSON. 

SHE WAS ALREADY MAD
THAT SHE WASN'T GETTING HER WAY
AND SHE WAS CAUSING A SCENE
IN FRONT OF ME
TO MAKE THEM DO SOMETHING,
ANYTHING,
TOWARDS WHAT SHE WANTED.

The place has a "food cupboard" thing...
WHICH IS OPEN TWICE A WEEK.
TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS.

IT WAS A WEDNESDAY.

SHE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING
"THANKS FOR REMINDING ME
THAT IT'S WEDNESDAY
AND IT'S OPEN TOMORROW,
I'LL COME BACK TOMORROW."

BUT NO.
SHE WANTED WHAT SHE WANTED
AND SHE DEMANDED IT,
INSTANTANEOUSLY
AS THOUGH EVERYONE EXISTED
TO JUST GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS
WHENEVER SHE WANTS IT.

WHICH IS FALSE NEWS.

Anyway, she turned and looked right at ME.
SO I F*CKING SHRUGGED.

"Over her 'suffering' or 'personal emergency'"
IF YOU WEREN'T SPENDING YOUR MONEY
ON CRACK, 
YOU WOULDN'T BE COMING HERE, LADY.

Did she want me to say THAT?
I didn't think so. So I shrugged, instead.
WHICH P*SSED HER OFF.

ANYTHING other than getting her way
WOULD HAVE P*SSED HER OFF.

The times I've been p*ssed off, THE MOST
WERE WHEN THINGS WEREN'T "FAIR."
IF THEY WERE FAIR, 
EVEN IF I DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT, 
I'D STILL HAVE TO ACCEPT IT, RIGHT?

But when things are MORE fair for others
BY MAKING IT UNFAIR TO ME, 
THAT P*SSES ME OFF.

Is it FAIR to me that people ASSUMED things about me?

I wrote to a neighbor.
HE ASSUMED I WANTED TO BE MORE
THAN JUST NEIGHBORS OR ACQUAINTANCES
WHICH I DIDN'T.

BUT HE ASSUMED THAT.
AND WROTE BACK SAYING THAT.
AND NOT TO WRITE TO HIM AGAIN.

BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CONVO
WITH THE GUY
WHEN HE ASSUMED I WANTED TO TALK
TO TRY TO CONVINCE HIM
TO LET ME "BONE" HIM FFS?

Just because you're a dude and I'm a female
DOESN'T MEAN I WANNA "BONE" YA. OKAY?

FIRST, THAT SHOULD BE TOTALLY OKAY, RIGHT?
THAT I DON'T WANT TO "BONE" EVERY DUDE
I MAKE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WITH.

BECAUSE? IT'S MY CHOICE.
JUST LIKE IT WAS HIS CHOICE.

TO EVEN GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON.
WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED.
THAT'S IT.

AND THIS IS THE TYPE OF SH*T
THAT DISCOURAGES ME
FROM EVEN WANTING TO GET TO KNOW PEOPLE.

OR LETTING THEM GET TO KNOW ME, 
WHICH ISN'T VERY OFTEN, ANYWAY...

He could have just said... I'm not looking for anything.
WHICH I COULD HAVE REPLIED:
GOOD! NEITHER AM I.
SO LET'S AT LEAST HAVE A CONVERSATION,
AS NEIGHBORS FFS.

COULD HE JUST HAVE DONE THAT?
NOPE.

BECAUSE HE ASSUMED I WANTED MORE.

The other dude, who answered the door naked, 
HE ALSO ASSUMED I WANTED MORE,

BUT AT LEAST HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN
IF I WAS DOWN? I DUNNO LOL. 

But my POINT was that they both ASSUMED.

AND I HAD WRITTEN IN MY LETTER TO THE GUY
THAT I DIDN'T WANT HIM GETTING
THE WRONG IDEA
ABOUT MY INTENTIONS FFS.

HE DID ANYWAY FFS.

Like I'm a female who wants to "bone" every guy I see?
Because I'm that "desperate to get laid"?! NO.

Sure, the guy was "nice looking" 
BUT AT LEAST ONCE I TOLD HIM
THAT I WASN'T ATTRACTED TO HIM "LIKE THAT."

I BASICALLY TOLD HIM AT LEAST TWICE
THAT "THOSE" WERE NOT MY INTENTIONS.

I GUESS I WASN'T DIRECT ENOUGH?
SHOULD I SAY:

"HEY, NEIGHBOR, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
BUT I WASN'T AND WON'T EVER BE
ASKING FOR YOUR HELP
BECAUSE I WANNA "BONE" YOU
BECAUSE I DON'T.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?????
TELL ME IF YOU DO.
BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOU TO
UNDERSTAND THAT."

SHOULD I SAY THAT, NEXT TIME?
Is that DIRECT ENOUGH?

"I. DON'T. WANNA. "BONE". YA."
WHAT WORDS DO I HAVE TO
EMPHASIZE, SPECIFICALLY?

In fact, I'm hardcore turned OFF
by the f*cking immaturity out there
TO EVEN WANT TO "BONE" ANYONE, PERIOD. 

And so long as I'm being honest, 
I HAVE TWO HANDS
AND AN IMAGINATION.
I'M GOOD WITHOUT "NEEDING" TO.

I stopped "romanticizing" a lot of things
BECAUSE THOSE WERE JUST DREAMS...

LIFE'S NOT F*CKING FAIR, 
AND IT'S OKAY THAT WE NEVER GOT TO HAVE
WHAT IT WAS THAT WE WANTED ALL ALONG...

EVEN IF IT WAS JUST F*CKING SIMPLE, ALL ALONG.

Now that I'm "jaded" af, DO I CARE ABOUT "BONING"?

NO. BUT I KINDA CARE ABOUT
IT BEING ASSUMED THAT I WANT TO.

AND THAT IT WAS MY WHOLE "MOTIVE." FFS.
BECAUSE IT WASN'T. 

THAT still bugs me.
NOT getting "boned" doesn't.
BECAUSE I don't need the "external validation" 
LIKE SOME PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO GET ME
TO THINK THAT I DID... I DON'T.

AND BECAUSE IT WOULD TAKE
(I DON'T EVEN F*CKING KNOW WHAT)
FOR ME TO BE EVEN INTERESTED IN IT, ANYMORE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO JUST
COMPLETELY SHUT ALL THE WAY DOWN
BECAUSE OF SOME ASSH0LE?

Because they had ME questioning MYSELF?
WHICH I HAD TO DO, ANYWAY, 
BUT DID THEY?

Enough to see things, FROM MY SIDE?

FRUSTRATED I WROTE TO YOU?
BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T LOWER YOURSELF
TO TALK TO THE GIRL
YOU THOUGHT WANTED TO "BONE" YOU?

THAT YOU TOLD ME NOT TO, ANYMORE?

AT LEAST I MADE THE F*CKING EFFORT
TO TRY TO GET TO KNOW YOU, 
AS A PERSON.
AND COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME.
BUT YOUR CHOICE...

And AFTER this type of sh*t happening...
BECAUSE HE HAD TO BE THINKING ABOUT IT
FOR HIM TO ASSUME THAT ABOUT ME
OR MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE
JUST TALKED TO ME, 
AS A NEIGHBOR?

AS A PERSON, EVEN?

THIS is the type of sh*t
THAT KEEPS ME INDOORS
AWAY FROM PEOPLE....

AND THE TIMES I THINK IT'S SAFE
TO EXPRESS MYSELF, AS A PERSON, 
BECAUSE, AS A PERSON, 
I'D LIKE TO JUST
BE ABLE TO
AND ALLOWED TO
SO THAT, 
AS A PERSON.

LIKE MOST, DO. RIGHT?

But nope! I must be doing EVERYTHING
WITH SOME SORT OF INTENTIONS...
*SARCASM*

Even asking a neighbor for help?
IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE
TO ASK FOR HELP FROM
MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED
TO ASK HIM FOR HELP. 

AND IT'S NOT LIKE:
"THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME!
LEMME GIVE YA A BJ!"

GET TF OUTTA HERE WITH THAT BS!!!!

It was more like, 
"Thanks for your help, 
I would like to do something (non-sexual with no intentions
or even remote desire for anything sexual) nice for you
AND GET TO KNOW YOU AS A NEIGHBOR, 
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, 
AS A PERSON."

THAT'S IT. SHOULDN'T I BE ALLOWED?
FOR IT TO BE JUST THAT? just that.

That's AS SIMPLE AS I WANTED IT TO BE.

SO WHY ASSUME IT'S NOT?

That sh*t bothers me, a lot. 
AS MUCH AS ANYONE'S INTENTIONS
ACTUALLY JUST BEING
JUST ABOUT "GETTING DOWN."

Because like 99.8% of the time
WHEN THOSE ARE THEIR ONLY INTENTIONS
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU EVEN BEING A PERSON, TO THEM.
ONLY A PAIR OF T*TS, A P*SSY ETC.

...or a pair of feet. Or a conversation. Or a nose!

One dude admitted to having a nose fettish.
He said if I ever broke it, he'd paid to get it fixed lol.

Anyway "I missed our conversations..."
"I miss your feet...."

WHEN DO I GET TO HEAR: "I MISS YOU."?
TO MISS ME, YOU'D HAVE TO KNOW ME, RIGHT?
I'M MORE THAN THINGS ABOUT ME, RIGHT?
I should be. So should everyone.
Simple just to want THAT?

I've had to stop "engaging" with people
and LET them miss me...

Because they could open the lines of communication. 
AND NOT EXPECT ME TO DO IT, ALWAYS.

AND WHEN, AND IF I DO, 
TO EITHER ACCEPT OR DECLINE.
NOT JUST GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATEMENT
AS THOUGH I DON'T EXIST.

Simple to want that, too?

AND FOR YOU NOT TO DO TO ME
WHAT YOU WOULDN'T DO TO OTHERS.

BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT WANT ME
DOING THAT TO YOU.

BEING INCONSIDERATE ETC. RIGHT?

But it seems that they don't seem to get that.
AND IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD.
IN MANY REGARDS.

DUDE OPENED THE DOOR NAKED
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO.

PRETTY SURE HE WASN'T JUST
CHILLING NAKED ALL FKN DAY...
JUST WAITING FOR ME.
BECAUSE WE BARELY SPOKE.
BEFORE AND ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS.

HAD HE WANTED TO BE RESPECTFUL
AND NOT DONE THAT,
HE WOULD HAVE NOT DONE THAT.

But WHO TF AM I TO TELL HIM
OR ANYONE THAT? RIGHT?

Because "blah blah, where's your success story?"

And all the other insults, slung at me
LIKE IT'S GRADE FKN FIVE FFS.

Sorry, but I graduated BEYOND that point, in my life.
I HAD HOPED THAT YOU HAD, TOO.
BUT SEEMS THAT YOU HAVEN'T.
AND YOU SHOULD "MAYBE"
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

People, sadly, mostly, don't put the time
INTO THEMSELVES
TO THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES
IN A WAY THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS.

LIKE: NOT ACTING LIKE YOU'RE 10 YRS OLD ETC.
OR YOUNGER.

BECAUSE EVEN AT 10 YRS OLD, 
YOU SHOULD KNOW A LOT OF BASIC THINGS.

Being mad at someone WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO
ACT LIKE THAT...

FOR WHAT? ACTING LIKE THAT.

IS DIFFERENT FROM TREATING THEM
AS THOUGH THEY ARE.

IT'S BEING MAD AT THEM
BECAUSE THEY KNOW FKN BETTER.

THEY SHOW PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO THEM
THAT THEY KNOW BETTER
BECAUSE IF THEY DIDN'T
THOSE PEOPLE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THERE!!!
FOR, WITH, OR AROUND THEM, 
PERIOD. 

SO WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD
TO SHOW ME THE SAME?

And if they don't care about me walking away,
WHY EVEN BE THERE?

WHY SHOULD I BE TRYING?
FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE?
IF I GO OR STAY?
IF I'M THERE OR NOT?

FOR THEM TO TREAT LIKE THAT, THOUGH, 
NO, THANKS. PASS.

And this is why I'm supposed to be SOOOOO TURNED ON
THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO WANNA "BONE"
ALL MY NEIGHBORS?! FFS.

If I was a dude, I could talk to my male neighbors...

THE ONE TIME I was attracted to one of my neighbors
AND MY INTENTION WAS TO GET TO KNOW HIM
BUT NOT TO GET TO KNOW HIM
TO "BONE" HIM. 

To see if we might be "capaitible" I guess...

Anyway, in previous conversations with the guy, 
he hadn't mentioned being married
AND I HADN'T REALLY ASSUMED HE WASN'T, 
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW, AT THE TIME
THAT IT WAS A FACT THAT HE WAS.

OR I WOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THAT,
WHICH I DID, 

But I didn't want his wife thinking
that I wanted to "bone" her husband, either.

BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE FKN THING TO DO
IS ASSUME THINGS ABOUT ME
AND GET THE WRONG IDEAS ABOUT ME.

But am I supposed to be out here, 
TRYING TO CONTROL
EVERYONE'S IDEAS ABOUT ME?

I'd like to think that if I say things once, 
EVEN MORE THAN ONCE, 
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT MY INTENTIONS
ACTUALLY ARE AND HAVE BEEN
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME...

I'd like to think that, but hard to believe it?
Since that's been shown to me, MANY TIMES, 
THAT WASN'T THE CASE.

I'd like to think that I'd make it kinda obvious...
AND NOBODY WOULD HAVE TO THINK
SO HARD INTO IT
THAT THEY'D HAVE TO ASSUME
FKN ANYTHING ABOUT ME,

BUT HAS THAT BEEN THE CASE?

No. BECAUSE THEY CAN'T READ ME FOR SH*T.
WHY? Because why should they be allowed to?

BUT EVEN WHEN I SPELL IT OUT TO THEM, 
IN ACTUAL WORDS, IN ACTUAL LETTERS...

SEEMS LIKE THEY ONLY "UNDERSTAND"
WHAT THEY WANT TO.

DESPITE WHAT THE TRUTH ACTUALLY IS.

If someone wants to think the worst of me, they will!
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.

If someone wants to be an arrogant tw@t, they will!
If someone wants to act like they're 10, they will!

If someone wants to disrespect and insult you, 
DESPITE GIVEN MANY OPPORTUNITIES 
NOT TO DO IT,
THEY WILL.

And do you have to stick around for it?
Do you have to be there, FOR THAT?
NO? THEN, NEITHER DO I.

And they ALREADY KNOW THIS.
OR THEY SHOULD, ALREADY, 
COMING INTO ANYTHING, REGARDING ME.
WHETHER WE ARE NEIGHBORS ETC.

Because I should know this, correct?
THAT IF I DISRESPECT SOMEONE
THEY HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT
NOT TO HAVE A DAMN THING
TO DO WITH ME
MOVING FORWARD, 
IN THEIR LIFE...

To expect ME to know it,
AND SHOW THAT I KNOW IT...

THEN, TURN AROUND
AND DO WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO DO
WHICH WASN'T TO RESPECT ME, 
WASN'T TO VALUE ME, 
WASN'T TO HAVE ANY REGARD FOR ME...

Should I have EVEN STUCK AROUND
FOR AS LONG AS I DID
HOPING FOR ANYTHING BETTER
THAN WHAT I WAS ALEADY SHOWN?

EVEN AFTER CHANCES TO SHOW ME
BETTER THAN THAT?

But should I take anyone back who did
whatever they felt like and wanted to do, at that time.

REGARDLESS OF HAVING
THE WRONG FKN IDEAS ABOUT ME.

GIVEN TO THEM
BY OTHERS...
WHO WANTED THEM TO HAVE THEM,

OR THEY GAVE THEMSELVES...???

NO. TF I DO NOT.

SO THEY CAN DO IT, AGAIN?
HAD NO ISSUE DOING IT?

Had an issue NOT doing it, though.

I have an issue with THAT.
I don't gaf who has an issue with the fact
THAT I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT.

BECAUSE HAVING AN ISSUE
WITH THE FACT
THAT I HAVE AN ISSUE
WITH THAT
IS THEIR ISSUE, NOT MINE.