5,001rst

It had been coming up for a while...
The 5,000th post. Which was the one before this one.

Crazy, eh? 20 years of my life
summed up into 5000 +1 posts...

I'm taking a break from coding.
I have one thing to try to fix tonight,
which doesn't seem to be going that great.

Well, first, I'm using straight CSS.
Not the tailwind whatever it is.

There's another version of HTML
called pug or something like that.

I asked chatgpt to convert it into HTML5 for me,
and whatever they used is lui of CSS into CSS for me.
Which it did.

But I couldn't have been able to use it,
without having to convert it.

Running into stuff like that,
and fixing stuff I already have with other stuff...

But since I started using a find feature in the text editor,
it's easier to search the lines of code,
because I'm up to over 5k lines of code in that one file.

I better email it to myself...

I'm happy with some recent changes I made,
but this next change is a big one and !important;
See what I did there? I chuckled...

Anyway, if I can get this one thing done, tonight, 
I'll be able to move onto the next part...

I have 3 dividers that each have sections in them,
and the sections have sections in them.

It's tabs, and the first tab has a section that has tabs
so I had to call them subtabs.

You can give whatever "element" whatever class you want
as long as they match, 
just makes it easier if you call it what it is
so that you can find it, again...

I've never just used random classes...
I don't know if I could get my brain to
be that creative and that "able" to remember stuff.

Creativity is one thing, remembering... Not my forte.

Some things I'm surprised I remember...
But why do I remember "street sharks"
and not "that thing I forgot I had to do."?

Y'know what I mean?

Ever remember some random wtf stuff
BUT CAN'T REMEMBER SOMETHING
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER?

"THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON CODING."

When you randomly start thinking about...
WHATEVER RANDOM THING....

AND ALL THE THINGS
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER TO DO...

That's what bugs me.
I could be coding and random stuff
just pops into my head "wtf?!"

BEFORE I can even remember anything.

Anyway, I fixed some stuff tonight.
Things are starting to look better, already.

But knowing me, I'll want to....
KEEP TWEAKING AND TWEAKING
LIKE A FREAKING TWEAKER...

Because I want it to "look polished."
When I know that THAT is beyond my capabilities, 

but also knowing that everything I'm coding
will need to be programmed...

And not only that, hooked up to a database
to actually retrieve the data for the components...

Which someone offered to do for me...
But I still want to make it look super sharp
before I even show the guy what I've been working on...

The thing with most coders is THEY KNOW
HOW LONG IT TAKES TO WORK ON SOMETHING.

WITH ALL THE MACHINE STUFF, 
IT MAKES IT EASIER AND EASIER
TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND MAKE SOMETHING.

NO-CODE....
NO CODE, NO GLORY.

Sure I use chatgpt for some stuff, 
but not for everything. 
I'd say around 80%.

Have to know the right questions to ask, 
in the right way, 
to get the results you'd like, 
and even then, the results
ARE GOING TO BE 
WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE.

But I've been impressed with chatgpt, overall. 

Bolt is definitely cool, but beyond my "scope" lol. 
At least I can ask it scripting questions
and it nails it every time,
which I can get used to LOL.

But I talk to chatgpt like an actual assistant.
A person, y'know?

It had to tell me several times it's not human LOL.
Until it gave up and just accepted that I wanted to
try to have more personal interactions, I guess LOL.

It got used to being treated like a machine, maybe.

To just do what it is designed to do...

Anyway, there are a couple of ways to use tech.
As a tool and as a toy.

That goes for more than tech, but mostly applies
in that context.

People who use it as a toy seem to use it more...
That also goes for other things...

Anyway, it doesn't have to be a toy.

Like how people got so used to tech
THAT TOY STORES WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.

AT LEAST THE ACTUAL BRICK-AND-MORTAR ONES.
There's at least ONE Toys R Us in O-Town left
(that I know of) and there used to be more...

AND KIDS USED TO PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS.
AND LEARN STUFF WHILE PLAYING...

I do still see some kids playing outside...
I remember playing outside as a kid...

I keep telling myself if I work my @ss off
building this thing, 
that I'll have something
to show for myself when it's done, 

but all I will have is a framework for the thing...
That I wish I could actually build...
And people would actually use...

Instead of maybe a tiny interest, if any
in the concept of what I'm attempting to build.

Just a lot of things have been frustrating.
Because I have to fix the layout, 
and how some things "sit" with other things, 
and a bunch of other things...

And even when I like it the way it is, 
I get the urge to redesign it, 
because I'm not "satisfied" with it.

Instead of just letting it be "good enough."
Because of course, I want it to be better
than "good enough"
because it might stand a better chance...
In the wilds of the internet...

And if that's all I can hope for, 
that's all I can hope for, right?

I'm not expecting it to be the next cool thing or whatever.
If I can just fkn build it, and get it to "work"
that would be good enough, for me.

Of course I want to take it further than that, but...
Only so much I know how to do, for one thing...

Or the capacity to learn... I guess...
But I made it this far?

That's what I keep telling myself. 
"You made it this far..."
"Further from where I used to be."

From when I didn't know HTML or CSS...

From when I wouldn't EVEN TRY
TO EVEN GET EVEN CLOSE
TO PUTTING "SOMETHING" TOGETHER...

I'd just get high, knit, crochet, watch stuff...
Write, of course... That's about it.

If you've been reading for a while, 
you already know that I don't really live
what anyone would call an "exciting" life.

I mostly stay home, and work on "stuff."
Then burn myself out, working on "stuff"
and go to bed, medicated sleep...

THEN DO IT ALL AGAIN THE NEXT DAY.
PRETTY EXCITING, EH?
NOT REALLY.

But there is such a thing as
TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT.
AND NOT THE GOOD KIND.

I was going to write:
THE KIND THAT MAKES YA WANNA PUKE.

If puking would even help anything...
Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't?

Want an @sshole to go away? Puke on him!
Presto a la puke!

Just thought of something that I won't share.
It's too "WTF, A***!"
If everything else isn't already LOL.

I can't believe I even mentioned the 'erotica'
that I'm still embarrassed I even wrote.

But, I did.

It's just hard to write anything close
BECAUSE MY MIND JUST
WON'T GO THERE, ANYMORE.

IT BECAME A NO-GO ZONE.
What would I be doing to myself, mentally, 
if I just did that, all the time?
ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE?

OR JUST SITTING THERE?
PERPETUALLY "DAY DREAMING"?

ABOUT... WHAT?

WHAT I FEEL STUPID ABOUT
DAY DREAMING ABOUT?

WHEN I USED TO THINK
THAT IT SHOULD JUST BE SIMPLE
TO HAVE SOMETHING SIMPLE?

Just because it "should be"
doesn't mean it is...

Canada should be more affordable...
BUT IS IT?

Canada should get its head out its @ss, 
BUT WILL IT?

"Should be" simple enough to do, eh?

But we still have that TAX BREAK...
HOW'S THAT GOING?

SAVING THE BUSINESSES ANY MONEY?
IS IT?
OR DOES IT JUST COST MORE?
IN THE LONG RUN?

That's what they don't seem to "get"
that it "costs more in the long run."

There's a saying about sewing...
"A stitch in time, will save NINE."

If you catch it when it's a tear, 
it won't become a rip.

If you catch it when it's a rip,
it won't become a gaping hole...

Something like that...

Just would be cool, 
to do one thing, in my life
THAT AT LEAST ONE FKN PERSON
ACTUALLY APPRECIATES, Y'KNOW?
JUST ONE THING.

IT'D BE EVEN BETTER
IF I COULD PULL IT OFF
WITHOUT ASKING FOR HELP
FROM ANYONE...

BECAUSE WHEN I ASK FOR FKN ANYTHING
THE ANSWER IS USUALLY NO.

EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO DOING SOMETHING
THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A DECENT OUTCOME.

Having to ask for help WITH ANYTHING
AND GETTING SHOT DOWN
LIKE I'M JUST HIGH OR DRUNK
GETS TO ME AFTER A WHILE.

BEEN SOBER FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS!
AND STILL GET TREATED LIKE A DRUNK.

Wouldn't that p*ss you off?

NOBODY WANTING TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY...
EVER. NOT EVEN AFTER 11 YEARS
OF FKN SOBRIETY...

Anyway, that's why I would rather just get everything
DONE ON MY OWN
AND NOBODY CAN TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT WANTING TO DO SOMETHING
AND ACTUALLY PUTTING TIME IN TO DO IT.

BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED TO PUT THE TIME IN
TO DO SOMETHING THEY WANTED TO DO, 
I'D SUPPORT THAT.

EVEN IF IT'D SUCK THAT THAT THING
THEY WANTED TO DO
HAD ALL THEIR FOCUS...

I'D STILL BE HAPPY
THAT THEY ARE HAPPY
DOING THEIR THING.

Why shouldn't I be? Happy for them?
If I wanted ALL their focus on ME
I'D BE FKN SELFISH AF, RIGHT?

SO HOW IS IT ANY DIFFERENT
FROM THEM BEING SELFISH AF
WHEN THEY WANT ALL MY TIME
FOR THEMSELVES?

Like that guy I made the site for...
HE SEEMS TO THINK THE ONLY THING
THAT I HAVE GOING ON IN MY LIFE
IS MEETING WITH HIM. IT'S NOT.
BUT HE SEEMS TO WANT IT TO BE.
AND TRIES TO TREAT ME LIKE IT SHOULD BE.

He was talking about getting married and sh*t.
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE SELFISH
REGARDING ME, MY TIME, 
WANTED CONTROL AND "POWER" OVER ME...
LIKE WOAH DUDE!

I'M NOBODY'S WIFE.
And I definitely don't "belong to you."
Or with you, 
IN WHATEVER DAY DREAMS ABOUT ME.
THAT I AM NOT INVOLVED IN.
THAT I AM NOT OBLIGATED 
TO MAKE COME TRUE. FFS.

That's one thing they should already know....
I AM NOT HERE FOR EVERYONE'S PLEASURE.
I OWE IT TO NOBODY, PERIOD.

THE ONES WHO THINK I DO, 
THEY BETTER REALIZE THAT I DON'T
AND NEVER DID.

I'm going over there to see him on Tuesday.
I was supposed to, Friday, but I got so into coding, 
that I lost track of time...
WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE HAPPENED
TO THE LAST WEEK OR SO...

Last thing I knew, it was my birthday, 
now it's a week later...

Anyway, I still don't want to go, but I will.
I just don't like the "tricky" "weird sh*t."
AND PEOPLE WHO THINK
THEY CAN TRY TO TALK ME INTO DOING
ALL KINDS OF FKN THINGS...

THAT I TOLD THEM I DON'T WANT TO DO.

Like the guy wants me to record his videos for his site.
1) It's an excuse or "reason" for me to meet with him, more.
2) I'm not giving away MY time on HIS stuff.
3) I have my own stuff.

WHICH PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET.
THAT I HAVE MY OWN LIFE FFS.

THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE THEM.

MY PERSONAL LIFE.
WHERE I LIKE TO BE BY MYSELF...
AND DO MY INTROVERT/LONER STUFF...

Earlier, I was thinking...
How would I even "handle" being in a relationship
if I were to be in one, again...?

You get so used to having the time and space
TO YOURSELF
THAT YOU KINDA DON'T WANNA
GIVE IT UP...

For another mirror smasher, had puncher, etc?
Naw, I'm good. Me and my "files" *pets files.*

IF I were to be in a relationship, 
it would drive me CRAZY if he wanted to be
DOING 'TOGETHER' STUFF ALL THE TIME.

I get it, I still kinda want that, 
BUT NOT 1,000% OF THE TIME...

It'd be cool if we had the same hobbies, 
or if he did "hobby stuff" while I did mine...

Because if he wasn't cool with the facts...
Then, it couldn't and just wouldn't "work."

Like "you wanna be gamer boi for 4 hours while I knit?
Cool, have at 'er."

But don't expect me to watch you play, 
I'm busy knitting.

Watching people playing video games
doesn't do anything for me.

I don't get why guys seem to like
when girls watch them play video games.

It's different when I'm playing TOO, 
than just watch someone play.

Not much into games, the "modern" 3d games...
Sure, they look neat...

BUT I LOVE MY DR. MARIO.
I COULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING IT.

My ex tried it when the color was out, 
black and white makes it harder...

Anyway, I haven't been doing much of anything else...

Besides getting a video in here and there.
Crazy how so many videos are out there...

Crazy how many tutorials are out there...
Coding paradise...

If I could, I'd hole myself up in here until April...

Reminds me of something I heard:
"How are you supposed to meet Mr. Right staying inside?
You expect him to break into your house?"

And when I shaved my head, last time...
Someone said to someone I knew:
"How's she supposed to meet anyone looking like that?!"

If I was trying to meet people, I'd be out there, meeting people.

Look what happens when I do, though.
So maybe I don't want to anymore?

Can't lump all them together...
Into a big idgaf stew...

Just been too damn long...
AND I AM NOT WAITING
FOR FKN ANYONE ANYMORE.

BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I DID?
ANYTHING GOOD?

Some people just are not fkn ready. Just not.
If they were, they'd show you, gladly, that they are.
BUT WHEN THEY ARE SHOWING YOU
THAT THEY ARE NOT READY,
THEY FKN ARE NOT.

THAT will save you a hella lotta GRIEF.
and wasted time, you can't get back.

Saying that as someone who wasted years
that I can't get back....

That I wish that I could have back...
IF ONLY TO JUST HAVE MY OWN BACK...

THAT IS WHY I FEEL FKN STUPID
EVER HAVING HAD THOSE DAY DREAMS
OF WHAT THIS OR THAT
COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE
BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING LIKE
WHAT I HAD JUST ACTUALLY WANTED.
NOTHING.
AT ALL.

And I don't even want very fkn much.
Never really did.

THAT'S WHY IT P*SSES ME OFF
THAT PEOPLE JUST GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO DO THE STUPIDEST BS THINGS TO ME.

FOR BEING MAD AT THEM
FOR DOING STUPID BS THINGS TO ME?

They'd get and be sick of it, too!
IF I WAS ABOUT ALL AND ANY OF THAT, TO THEM!

But does being angry about things
CHANGE ANYTHING?
DOES CRYING ABOUT THINGS
CHANGE ANYTHING?

GUESS WHAT?
A LOT OF THINGS
DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

And I don't have to wait around
WHILE NOTHING CHANGES.

Any changes I want to see, 
I HAVE TO MAKE FOR MYSELF.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.

I want to do this project?
And make something out of it?
THEN I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT.

OTHERWISE PEOPLE WILL WANT ME TO
MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF
WHAT THEY WANT...

IF HE HAD HIS WAY, 
I WOULD HAVE MARRIED HIM LAST SUMMER FFS.

But I have to TELL PEOPLE
THAT WHAT THEY WANT
ISN'T WHAT I WANT
AND NOT TO EXPECT ME TO WANT
WHAT THEY WANT.

BECAUSE I FKN DON'T.

I shouldn't fkn have to tell them!
THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!

NOT to have such crazy expectations of me.
I'll do my best, 
BUT I HAVE LIMITS.
I DON'T HAVE TO STAY ANYWHERE
TO FKN GET PUSHED PAST MINE.

Neither do you. Just to be "clear."

Because sometimes I'm not "direct" enough.
Or sometimes people only hear
what they want to hear...

WHATEVER WILL PUSH THEIR STORY.
THE ONE THEY WANT TO TELL. 

Not listening to ALL of it,
ONLY THE PARTS THAT SERVE THEM...

PICKING THE TINIEST THINGS
TO BE ALL LIKE: "SEE? I TOLD EVERYONE!"

I'd rather be "crazy" than talk to people
who only listen to the .02% of what I say
that isn't even contextual
TO WHAT I WAS SAYING.

IT'S LIKE TALKING UNDER FKN WATER
TO LIKE 99.8% OF PEOPLE.

Like the friend who will always say
that I was "mumbling"
BUT WHAT HE WON'T SAY
WAS THAT HE ACTUALLY WASN'T LISTENING.

AND I DON'T LIKE YELLING
FOR ANYONE TO HEAR ME.

And if they actually heard what I was saying
BEFORE I STARTED YELLING
MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN YELLING?

NOBODY WANTS ME YELLING, 
BUT DID THEY WANT TO HEAR WHAT I SAID
TEN THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE I EVEN DID?

Like it feels like I just fkn say it to myself
AND MOST OF THE TIME I MAY AS WELL.

BUT HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO
TELL THE SAME PEOPLE THE SAME THINGS?
FOR WHAT? FOR THEM TO DO NOTHING?

Just to realize! That's it.
Not say "sorry" ten billion times...
FOR GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO DO THINGS YOU NEVER HAD TO DO...

To realize you never had to, 
which they already know!!!!

BUT TO ACTUALLY REALIZE IT.

And what? Show me that you realize?

And if they realized, they would act better.
AND SHOW ME THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME.

WHEN I GAVE THEM THE CHANCE
TO BE BETTER THAN THAT.

Look at all the chances I was given
TO BE BETTER THAN THAT.

JUST TO BE BETTER. THAN THAT.
JUST THAT.

NOT TO BUILD ROCKETS, 
NOT TO DIVE INTO THE OCEAN,
NOT TO DO BRAIN SURGERY...

JUST TO REALIZE, 
JUST ENOUGH, 
TO BE BETTER, THAN THAT.

JUST. THAT.

I was given those chances! 
Just for that!

BUT WHO DO I NEED TO BE SHOWING?
THAT I CAN DO BETTER? THAN THAT?

ANYONE WHO HASN'T SHOWN ME?

NO. MYSELF.

And by better, than that... Than I was.
To actually think about things...

That that I didn't think about
BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY WITH THINGS...
TO EVEN FKN THINK. JUST THINK.

AND HARD TO THINK AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DON'T THINK AND DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK.
BECAUSE IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT,

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS THAT MOST
NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT...

And not just talking about the belly-button ponderings...
Or "deep" sh*t people think up when they're high...

"Why am I like this?"
"Why have I been like this?"
"Whose life is this anyways?"

And watch people get mad that they can't "control" you.
BECAUSE YOU THINK FOR YOURSELF.
AND MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES.

Like that guy who dug up dirt on the guy I liked...
Saying "I'm trying to look out for you."
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED ME TO THINK.

WHEN REALLY, HE HATED THE FACT
THAT I WANTED TO BE WITH THE GUY.
AND NOT WITH HIM.

"Look at me! I'm better than THAT guy...
Because he xyz and I abc."

But no, it was manipulation. 
What's worse than a manipulator?

A manipulator who knows he's manipulating
AND DOESN'T SEE WHY
HE SHOULD MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS.

It'd be like if I was doing that,
but had it done to me by other girls, before.
With lies, but the lies still worked.

AND ANYONE WOULD BE LIKE:
MAYBE I SHOULD ASK A*** ABOUT THIS...

BUT THEY DON'T!

They just go with the lies
and that's what the liars want them to do.

THAT'S WHY THEY LIE.
TO TRY TO GET WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO GET
WITH THE LIE.

Or else, WHY LIE?

Lying to protect someone's life, is another thing, 
but lying to try to ruin it?!

Try to ruin a "love life"
that I don't care about having anymore LOL.

Pretty sure I could do that on my own, 
without the extra "help."

All I'd have to do is act like I don't realize something
that, by now, I do.

AND SHOULD HAVE THE WHOLE TIME.

GOOD WAY TO RUIN A "LOVE LIFE."

But you know how hard it is to even fake that?
THAT'S WHY I DON'T GET WHY SOME GIRLS
ACTUALLY PUT EFFORT INTO BEING FAKE.
I COULDN'T DO IT IF I TRIED.

How do people get so good at faking?
THEY ARE GOOD AT IT BECAUSE THEY DO IT.

EVER FAKE AN ORGASM???

Imagine that, but living like THAT.
Like your whole life's a fake orgasm.
People do it!

Sadly, they don't know anything else.
They don't stop and ask: "Why am I doing this?"
Because deep down, there's always been a reason.

They don't want to admit that, though.
And even when they can't think of a reason, 
there's still been a reason. 

Like people who pull tantrums
to try to get what they want.
It makes me sick.
And when grown ADULTS
WHO ARE MARRIED DO THAT...

It just... Kinda ticks me off.

Because here I am, not doing that.
Like those videos where a spouse catches
the other spouse cheating
and actually LEAVES THEM
AND THEY PULL A TANTRUM
ABOUT IT. WTF.

If I'd even THINK about cheating on someone, 
which I wouldn't...

It'd be about time, to leave the relationship.

For them, not for me.

BECAUSE PEOPLE DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
I DESERVED BETTER
THAN BEING CHEATED ON, TOO.

There was a chick... She'd find out who I was seeing
and try to get with the guy...

Anyway, I was on my way to go meet up with a guy
who'd I'd been seeing, not a loooong time, but decent time...

He'd wait for me to get off the bus, at the usual stop. 
I got off the bus, that day, to that chick
SITTING IN HIS LAP.
HE LET HER.
WHILE WAITING FOR ME
SUPPOSEDLY.

So I know how chicks can be, and have been, 
regarding me.
JUST NOT WANTING TO SEE ME HAPPY FFS.
OH, WELL.

Know what, though?
Can't take away anything that wouldn't be "enough"
to make them "happy."

What made them "happy" was trying to "hurt" me.
I'd find it funny if it wasn't fkn sad.

If I'd been sitting in her bf's lap when she got off the bus?

BUT HE LET HER WAS THE POINT.
HE DIDN'T HAVE TO, HE DID.

MIRROR BREAKER LET HER IN ON EVERY DAMN CONVO
WE EVER FKN HAD. FR.

You can't even talk to the guy without having to type it to him...
AND WHO HAS HIS PASSWORDS?

EVEN WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY BROKEN UP?

But imagine, trying to have a private "noyb" convo
WITH SOMEONE ALL UP IN IT
THAT DOESN'T NEED TO BE...

Private conversations are supposed to be private.
And when you're trying to have one
WITH SOMEONE INTERRUPTING
AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO INTERRUPT
BUT KEEP INTERRUPTING...

In any way she could.
Oh? They have plans? 
To meet and talk?
Can't let that happen! 

I won't be there to SEEEEEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!!!
I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!

TO STOP ANYTHING GOOD FROM HAPPENING!!!!!
THAT WOULD BE BAD FOR ME....

And whenever we spent ANY TIME TOGETHER
EVEN THOUGH WE WERE LIVING TOGETHER
SHE HAD TO TEXT HIM A BILLION TIMES
SO WE COULDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE
ANY UNINTERRUPTED TIME.
COOL, EH?

See?! I can make him give ME all his attention!!!!

BS stuff like that.
You only wanted it because I did.
Not fun that I don't? Now you have him
ALL TO YOURSELF?
BETTER LINE UP THE NEXT 10 DUDES
TO CHEAT ON HIM WITH LOL.

NOW THAT I DGAF.

But isn't that 'psychopathic' to read ALL my messages
to then try to 'displace' me and 'disgrace' me
with BS games?

And has the audacity to say that I do that sh*t.

I read some, but not between her and him. 
Because it was none of my business.

I only skimmed anyway. 
AND I TOLD HIM WHY.

BECAUSE HE BROUGHT NEEDLES IN HERE.
I WANTED TO KNOW IF HE WAS
BRINGING DRUGS IN HERE.
EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM NOT TO.
HE HAD NEEDLES IN HERE.

WHICH HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE BRINGING HERE
SINCE THE OBJECTIVE WAS TO GET CLEAN.

THE LAST THING I NEEDED
WAS MIRROR SMASHER OD'ING.

Anyway, it wasn't to "ruin" his plans with her.
It wasn't to purposely do the sh*t she was doing.
THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T READ ANY OF HERS.

HAD NO REASON TO. SO WHY WOULD I?
She was reading MINE because SHE
gave herself a reason to.

Because what could have been, could have been.
SHE DID NOT WANT TO ALLOW IT.

But still will cheat on that dude.
He may have "left" her but kept going back.
EVEN AFTER TELLING ME HE COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE,
HAVING TO DEFEND HER BS ALL THE TIME.
TAKING THE BRUNT OF EVERYTHING.

Is it fair to me to have to take the brunt of the brunt of THAT?
Would it be fair to him if it was the same scenario
the other way around?

Did he ever HAVE TO take the brunt of her BS?
AT ALL? Let alone the last 20 years?

And if he settles for that, that's all he'll have...
TAKING THE BRUNT
FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS FFS.
SOUNDS GREAT.
*SARCASM*

And really, to have THAT come in between him
AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER FEMALE
HE'S EVER KNOWN AND WILL KNOW
UNTIL HE TELLS HER TO GO FK HERSELF.

Like he should have told her A LONG @SS TIME AGO!
BEFORE SHE TRIED BEING A PAIN IN MY @SS.

TO MAKE ME WALK AWAY FROM THE GUY.
SO SHE COULD "WIN."

You want to WIN that fkn bad? Enjoy your prize then.

MY PRIZE IS KNOWING
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THAT SH*T.
TO BE OKAY WITH WHO I AM.
THANKS, THOUGH.

SORRY THAT YOU DO? NOT SORRY.

If I had to be about all that mess
to try to STOP a guy from walking away from me...
THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING TF WRONG 
WITH ME
AND HOW I LOOKED AT MYSELF.

IF A DUDE'S GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM YOU
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS OF BS...

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF THE BS.
NOT BECAUSE OF ME.

If I talked him INTO leaving, finally...
TAKING HIS *BALLS AND DIGNITY* BACK.
PUT HIS FOOT DOWN.
TOLD HER HE'S FR HAD ENOUGH
OF HER SH*T...

She'd have herself to blame for her sh*t, period.

It'd p*ss me off the way she treated him.
AND HE ACCEPTED IT.
AND TOOK IT.
AND RAN TO HER
AFTER TELLING ME MORE THAN ONCE
THAT HE WASN'T HAPPY
AND WHY THAT WAS.

It should have been as obvious to him
what she was doing and why, 

BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE ANYONE TO LISTEN TO YOU.
EVEN WHEN YOU ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO
SAVE THEIR LIVES...
IT'S WILD.

But 'forcing' someone to listen to you...
Just because it would PROBABLY HELP YOU BOTH,
IF THEY JUST DID, BUT 
DOESN'T MAKE THEM WANT TO...

I had a substitute teacher... (speaking of substitutes earlier).
He had a whistle and if you weren't paying attention
TO HIM.
HE'D BLOW IT AT YOU,
CLOSE TO YOUR EARS.

Did he think that DOING THAT
WAS GOING TO GET PEOPLE
TO WANT TO LISTEN TO HIM?

He was the father of one of the girls in the class.
Bet that was pretty embarrassing for her...

Anyway, it just makes me think of some things
that sort of had an opposite effect than intended...

BUT IF SOMEONE WAS LITERALLY SPYING ON ME
WITH ANOTHER PERSON, IN THEIR CONVERSATIONS
(MINE) YOU'D THINK THAT'D BE A CLUE?

lITERALLY CATCH HER DOING IT IN REAL TIME.
IN. REAL. TIME.

AND JUST SET SOMETHING UP
TO SEE HOW SHE'D REACT AND GAUGE THAT.

FOR HOW SHE WOULD ACTUALLY ACT...

AND THAT SHOULD TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Shouldn't be hard to do a "loyalty test"
THE LOYALTY NEVER WAS THERE.
SHE WAS BOINKING A CO-WORKER.
WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT.
AND I'D GET A DAMN DNA TEST. FR.

And if that kid is NOT yours...
SHE LIED TO YOU FOR 17 FKN YEARS.
AND IF SHE DID,
YOU CANNOT TELL ME
IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM
THAT SHE HAD NO REASON FOR LYING.

ABOUT THAT.

I'd wanna know.

But... What? Didn't want to listen.
AND SHE DID NOT WANT HIM TO LISTEN.
THAT'S WHY SHE WENT OUT OF HER WAY
IN ANY WAY SHE COULD
TO MAKE IT HARD OR US TO TALK.

If I was in it for what she was in it for, 
I'd probably be doing the same damn thing, maybe...
If I was that kind of person, I would.

BUT FOR HIM NOT TO SEE IT
LIKE HE'S BLIND TO EVERYTHING
ESPECIALLY TO HIS OWN ARROGANCE
AND SELF-INFLATED EGO...

Can't SEE anything with all that headspace in the way...
Past his own "pride."

It would hurt her pride if he were to just actually be done with it.
FOR ONCE. AND STOPPED LIVING
UNDER HER COMMAND.

LIVE. LIFE. A. LITTLE. BIT.
WITHOUT HER INTERRUPTING.
WITHOUT HER IN YOUR AND MY BUSINESS.
WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO... BREATHE?

Just for a while? It was. For a while.
Until she started right back up, again. 

AND YES I GOT FED UP WITH IT.
BECAUSE IT'S BS.
THAT I DON'T NEED IN MY LIFE.


It happened when I was talking to a dude from the U.S.
He was going through a divorce when I met the guy.

is ex WIFE drained their account. 
had been cheating on him...
ADMITTED IT.

SAYING "SL*T LIFE."

BUT SHE'D BEEN READING OUR MESSAGES.
AND THE ONE WHERE HE TOLD ME
HE HAD BEEN THINKING OF ME
WHILE HE WAS LOCKED UP.

I had no "romantic" interest in the dude. Still don't.
Decent dude, I'd still talk to him.

SHE WENT INTO HIS ACCOUNT
AND BLOCKED ME FROM IT.

BECAUSE I KNOW HE NEVER WOULD.
We had decent conversations.

BUT CHEATING ON THE DUDE,
TAKING ALL HIS MONEY,
AND BLOCKING HIS FRIENDS?
ON HIS ACCOUNT?

WTF? She would have been GONE.
Long gone.

Imagine if I went into his account and blocked her from it?
THAT WOULD HAVE ME LOOKING
FKN CRAZY.

ESPECIALLY IF I CHEATED ON HIM
AND TOOK ALL HIS MONEY DA FUQ?

Never heard back from the guy...
AFTER HER EPISODE OF INSULTING ME ETC.

But it's not like I expected his apology for HER.
Just why would anyone want to be with or have anything to do with
SOMEONE WHO ALREADY SHOWED YOU
"SL*T LIFE."

BUT FORCING PEOPLE NOT TO BE WITH SOMEONE
BY DOING THESE BS THINGS....
SHOULD SAY SOMETHING ABOUT WHO THEY ARE
AS A PERSON. 

AND WTF DOES THAT SAY ABOUT HER, AS A PERSON?

I'm not on here, sl*t shaming...
If you wanna be a sl*t, be the best damn sl*t you can be....

BUT just because there's someone OTHER THAN YOU
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THERE
AFTER YOU ALREADY SHOWED
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THERE...

TIME TO MOVE ON. Y;'KNOW?
You already had your chances... Y'know?

And what happens when I get with someone else?
YOU'VE ALREADY HAD YOUR CHANCES...

There are lyrics to a song... Bonus points if you know what it is...
"Did the boys all tease you when they had the chance?
Always left standing when it came time to dance?"

ONLY ONE GUY I EVER DANCED WITH.
MY WHOLE LIFE. WHEN I WAS 15.
AT A DANCE.
THE GUY WAS GAY BUT FELT BAD FOR ME.

AND IF NOT FOR HIM, NOBODY. I'M 41!
A LONG TIME LEFT STANDING
WHEN IT CAME TIME TO DANCE...

BUT WHAT? THEY HAD THE CHANCE.
And can't say they didn't because I even waited
AND HESITATED...
AND LAMENTED, 
AND BROODED... LOL.

BUT TURNS OUT I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HAPPY
WITH A MONKEY ON MY BACK
JUST BECAUSE SHE COULD.

And him not doing anything about it...
Like actually being done. With all of that sh*t.
AND STARTING HIS LIFE OVER.

AS HARD AS THAT CAN BE TO DO,
SOMETIMES THAT ISS WHAT IT TAKES.

I'm starting mine over, AFTER THAT BS.

She could have just left us both tf alone, but did she?
Does she have the maturity for that?
Because if she did, she would have.
I mean, it was an option, correct?

But she couldn't "afford" to do that.
BECAUSE IT WAS ABOUT THE MONEY.

It wasn't about that, for me.
I know some rich jerks I wouldn't date.

In fact, I dated a guy...
EVERY TIME I SAW HIM, 
HE'D SAY SOMETHING ABOUT 
HOW RICH HE WAS.
IT GOT OLD.
I WASN'T THERE FOR THAT.

If it was about money, I could have faked my way
into getting some...

BUT IT ISN'T, AND I DON'T.
THAT IS GROSS.

Besides, 
I'd rather not live a fake orgasm of a life.
But fake a good one, it'll go to his head lol. 

Joking, but am I?