Frustration & Stress

I need breaks from this stuff. 
I do stuff here and there. 
But mostly, it's overwhelming.
And frustrating. 

I've had to sort stuff into piles...
Now I have piles all over. 

I've got some books that I'll part with. 

I'm just hungry, too. 
And tired. 

I'll ger some ramen or something. 
A change from ghetto pizza. 

It really helped, the boxes...
Today, is laundry day...
It won't hurt to get my clothes taken care of.
And outta my fkn way.
Everything that can be out of my way, 
NEEDS TO BE OUTTA MY WAY.

Been really irritated, etc.
Probably because I'm HUNGRY ALL THE TIME.

Try doing stuff when you're hungy...
AND FREAKING IRRITATED...
ABOUT AND WITH EVERYTHING...

Like today, I was trying to move my phone, 
an actual home phone...
I'd rather use that than a cell tbh...

Anyway, I have to put something in my stomach soon. 
I'm tired and I'm tired of feeling irritable
from being hungry all the time.
It sucks.

Sure, I have enough for more ghetto pizza, 
BUT AFTER EATING THE SAME THING
FOR 4 OR 5 DAYS IN A ROW, 
YOU GET TIRED OF EATING IT.

I think what I'm also tired of is HAVING to eat.
Buying it, cooking it, chewing it...

Sure, it's more enjoyable when it tastes good...
But it'd be one less thing if I didn't have to do it.

On top of that, I asked my mother FOR ONE FKN THING.
TO HELP ME TAKE A PICTURE
OF MY PHOTO ID
BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEND IT TO SOMEONE.
FOR THE MOVING PROCESS THING...

BUT YOU'D THINK THAT SHE'D SAY
"SURE! COME OVER TONIGHT, 
I'LL DO THAT FOR YOU.
NO PROBLEM."

But NO!!!!!!!

Now I have to ask someone else to help me
JUST TO FKN DO THAT!!!!!!

You'd think she'd help me with ONE FKN
SIMPLE THING...

BUT NO!!!!!

When everyone else wants something
IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY...

"COME OVER FOR DINNER!
COME OVER AND TAKE A BREAK
FROM EVERYTHING YOU STILL NEED TO DO
(BECAUSE NOBODY WILL HELP YOU DO ANYTHING).

Literally all I was asking her TO DO FOR ME...
WAS TAKE A PICTURE OF MY PHOTO ID
AND SEND IT TO ME VIA EMAIL
SO THAT I COULD SEND IT VIA EMAIL
TO THE PERSON WHO REQUESTED IT...

That's ALL THAT I ASKED FOR!!!

She knows I'm moving!!!!
She knows I'm stressed out about
EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO
BEFORE I ACTUALLY MOVE....

Anyone who isn't HELPING AND WON'T HELP
BETTER NOT ASK ME FOR ANYTHING.
EVER AGAIN. 

Not a DAMN thing.

And if my camera on the phone
that was flung from my hand
WHEN I TRIPPED OVER A HOLE
IN THE F*CKING CURB...
THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO JUST STEP UP OVER
ONTO THE SIDEWALK....

If the camera STILL WORKED, 
I'D JUST DO IT MYSELF
LIKE I HAVE TO DO FKN EVERYTHING ANYWAY. 

I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO RELY ON
FOR ANYTHING. 

But then? A***'s reliable...
She'll help me out...

BUT WILL I NOW?
NOW THAT I ASKED FOR THE LITTLEST OF THINGS?

Why would that be so fkn hard to do?
For me.

ONE FKN THING FOR ME. ONE.

Am I asking or demanding that you help me PACK?
OR AM I DOING IT ALL MYSELF?

I have less than a month, a few weeks...
And the sooner I get everything packed
AND OUT OF MY WAY!!!!
THE LESS I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT...

Do you know how much I have on my mind?
I WOULD LIKE LESS ON MY MIND.
EVEN ONE THING LESS. Y'know???

My kitchen cabinets are cleared out, 
my hall closet is cleared out, 
been working on sorting my books & clothes...
Packing my living room and kitchen. 

Bathroom is easy to pack.
I organized it before I knew I was moving.
That'll be easy and then I gotta toss stuff...

I can't take everything with me and I won't...

One: I'm not going to have the space for everything, 
Two: I don't need everything anyway.

I brought a bunch of books upstairs to the laundry room. 
Sometimes people put stuff upstairs for people to just take it...

Since the laundry room is a common area
and more of a chance someone will take it....

They should have a whole room dedicated
to just "here's stuff, someone just take it."
"Free stuff room."

My son hasn't called me back
ABOUT HIS ID HERE,
OR TAKING ANYTHING
THAT I SAVED FOR HIM...

I'll take it as he doesn't want it
BECAUSE HE COULD AT LEAST CALL. 

JUST TO SAY "YES I WANT IT,"
OR "NO I DON'T."

That's all I was asking FROM HIM.

But the simplest, LITTLEST, THINGS...
Should just be able to ask for the simplest things.

I'M NOT DEMANDING THAT THEY DO IT.
BUT IT WAS LITERALLY ALL THAT I ASKED...

Not calling to ask for money...
Not asking you to bend over BACKWARDS
FOR ME...

Just THIS and just THAT. That's it.
AND THIS TYPE OF SH*T
IS WHY I RARELY FKN ASK ANYONE
TO HELP ME DO ANYTHING...

BECAUSE THIS IS ALL I GET.
TOO FKN BUSY BEING SELFISH
TO HELP ME WITH ANYTHING!!!

And if I keep going, doing this, 
EVERY DAY... I'll just fkn do it myself. 
Like I do everything else ffs.

When you know someone's stressed tf out...
And you could lighten their load...
BY JUST HELPING THEM WITH ONE THING.
ONE SIMPLE, LITTLE THING, 
JUST DO IT FOR THEM!!!

Because F*CK HAVING TO ASK
ALL THE DAMN TIME
FOR NOTHING.

THIS IS WHY I RARELY ASK.

And, usually, I ONLY ASK
IF IT'S IMPORTANT.

Now I have to ask my neighbor
who will probably help me do it.

BUT I HATE BOTHERING ANYONE
BY ASKING ANYTHING...

AND IF MY CAMERA WORKED, 
I COULD JUST FKN DO IT...

-------

I managed to take a picture of it...
And the damn phone dies right before
trying to send it to the person ffs.

CAN'T I FKN CATCH A DAMN BREAK TODAY??!!
SERIOUSL!!!!

Even moving my phone was a huge ordeal
because I had to move stuff
JUST TO LIFT THE DAMN THING
OFF THE CORD THAT WAS TRAPPED
UNDERNEATH IT
PREVENTING ME FROM MOVING
THE DAMN PHONE.

And that was just the start of my day..
Then trying to get boxes up here...
I found a couple of them in the basement.
The bigger one was awkward to just grab and carry. 

And somehow I squished my boob
lifting a box and it HURTS!

Just want to get sh*t DONE AND OVER WITH... 
NOT A LOT TO WANT?

Not like I want someone to take me on a trip
or spend loads of money on me etc...

I JUST WANT TO GET THINGS DONE
TO MOVE TF OUT OF HERE.

It's just that every time I turn around...
THERE'S SOMETHING.
SOME STUPID HASSLE.

LIKE PEOPLE GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO MAKE THINGS FKN DIFFICULT FOR ME.

WHEN THEY DON'T FKN HAVE TO!!!
SO WHY DO IT???
JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN???
WHAT'S THE DEAL???!!!

They don't want ME to make things HARDER for THEM
But yet they do it to me!!!

But every little TINY thing...
Like this damn cellphone...

I was just trying to fkn send the damn pic.
JUST FKN DO THAT. JUST THAT.

THEN THE DAMN BATTERY DIES.
JUST WHEN I'M TRYING TO DO IT.

THEN WHEN IT CHARGED BACK UP TO 100%,
I TRY TO USE THE DAMN THING
AND HAD TO RESTART IT
BECAUSE IT WASN'T WORKING, 
AND EVEN WHEN I RESTARTED THE DAMN THING,
THE BATTERY WENT DOWN TO 0% AGAIN.

The battery on this damn thing is fkd.
That's part of the reason I rarely use that damn thing.

IT'S MORE OF A PAIN IN THE @SS
TO TRY TO USE IT
THAN TO NOT BOTHER WITH THE DAMN THING AT ALL. 

Now I have to wait AGAIN for it to charge AGAIN.
AND WHEN IT DOES
IT'LL PROBABLY GIVE ME A HARD TIME
JUST TO DO ONE DAMN THING...

This is why I rarely use it. It's a pain in the @ss.
At least with an actual phone...

One of my actual phones is fkd too. 
Because the battery on that's fkd too. 

And... Just like I said it would, 
IT DID THE EXACT SAME THING...
I REALLY WANT TO CHUCK IT OFF MY BALCONY.

DO I REALLY WANT TO BE TRYING TO DO THIS
ALL DAMN NIGHT? NO!!!

It did the exact same thing 4 times in a row now ffs.
Can. I. Catch. A. Break!!!!!????

---------------

I had to take a nap. Tired of a lot of BS things.
Moving is stressful enough
Without EVERY LITTLE THING...

It's like when you're already p*ssed off
and you catch your sleeve on a doorknob
Or all kinds of stupid things. 

F*ck 0ff to all the stupid things.

Especially wtf things.

I'm tired of all those stupid things.
Woke up to stupid things.

And can't count on anyone for help.
And I don't even want to ask for help anymore.

Just one thing I asked for. That's it.
Nothing complicated. Nothing over the top.

Nothing that'd even cost any money to do.

I found a necklace to give to the lady 
who helped me get the boxes.

I don't wear a lot of jewelry. 
I have a couple of rings I don't take off, 
but other than that... I just don't, typically.

After this move... I'm already sore af. 

You START to feel it in your 40s.

When I was 30, I didn't. 

Things kinda changed after the bus crash. 
That injury's pretty much permanent.

With my hand injury, I don't feel that as much, 
and I can still use my hand...

I'll leave my crochet project out because I just...
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY HANDS
OTHER THAN SORTING AND PACKING.

Because, other than that, I haven't been doing much else.

The sooner it's done, it'll be done. I've got stuff to recycle, 
I've got stuff I need to donate, 
I have to switch my phone and internet and insurance...

I have to get all the paperwork done, 
I have to get my taxes done...

It's like nothing, nothing, nothing BOOOOOM!
EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE.

I've told my friends to come get stuff from here.
And that I need help to just take stuff somewhere...

But because I had bedbugs over a year and a half ago....
Nobody wants to help? WTF.

I've been sprayed 8 times. At least.
But it's the "possibility" that they "might" get them ffs.

You get bedbugs and all of a sudden you've got leprosy. 
And AFTER YOU'VE HAD THEM, STILL LEPROSY.

I get it NOBODY WANTS THEM.
Why would they?

BUT WHY DO THEY NEED TO TREAT ME
LIKE I HAVE LEPROSY?

Wasn't it bad ENOUGH to have had them?
Without being treated like that?

THE WORSE WAS AT THE HOSPITAL. 
THEY WERE LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT ME
AMONGST THEMSELVES.

BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE A "BEDBUG SHOWER."
a SHOWER because I had them. 

EVEN THOUGH I GOT SPRAYED FOR THEM. 
AND THEY PUT MY CLOTHES IN A HAZARD BAG FFS.

AND SPRAYED THE ROOM I WAS WAITING IN. 

BECAUSE WHEN THEY CALLED MY EMERGENCY CONTACT
WHICH IS A FRIEND OF MINE
HE TOLD THEM ON THE PHONE ABOUT THAT.
AND THEY PROCEEDED
TO TREAT ME LIKE I HAD LEPROSY.

"Any idea why she might be su*c*dal?"
"Well... She has bedbugs..."

WHICH WAS A PAIN IN THE @SS, YES, 
BUT MAYBE THERE WERE OTHER FACTORS?

LIKE ZERO SUPPORT FROM ANYONE?

LIKE I HAD TO ASK MY FRIEND
IF WE COULD GO OUT FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

IT WAS MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!!!
COULDN'T ANYONE JUST SURPRISE ME???
BY TAKING ME OUT?
HANGING OUT?
CARING A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME?
ON MY BIRTHDAY?

Like every other day they can ignore tf out of me...
BECAUSE THEY DO.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE ONE DAY
THAT THEY SHOW ME THEY CARE ABOUT ME?

OUT OF 365 DAYS?! JUST ONE?

Ask any of my friends if they actually know
WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS.
WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS.
ANYTHING ABOUT ME, PERSONALLY.

AND I BET YOU THEY WON'T KNOW.

Like one guy HE REFUSES TO REMEMBER
WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS.

HE MAKES EXCUSES
THAT HE'S LIKE THAT WITH EVERYONE.
THAT HE RELIES ON EVERYONE TO JUST TELL HIM:

"MY BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP."
And because he was supposed to hang out with me
ON MY BIRTHDAY AND STILL DIDN'T...
BECAUSE HE COULD STILL HAVE...
IF IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM
HE WOULD HAVE. HE DIDN'T. 

And I still haven't been to his "new" place
AND IT'S BEEN LIKE 3 YEARS.

I've given up on being invited
BECAUSE OTHER WERE.

I CALLED HIM UP AND HE HAD PEOPLE OVER.
HAVING A BON FIRE IN HIS BACK YARD...

So I'll just do the same sh*t to him
until he gets the point. 

"Oh, you want to see MY new place?!"
Excuse. Excuse, Excuse.

"I'll have to have you over SOMETIME."
AND WHEN IT COMES UP, AGAIN, 
I'LL JUST SAY IT AGAIN. 
JUST LIKE HE DOES.

FOR 3 YEARS. OR MORE.

BECAUSE THIS IS THE SH*T HE DOES TO ME.

And the time I did go to see him
AND IGNORED ME TO MY FACE ALL NIGHT
WHILE HE HAD OTHERS OVER HE WASN'T IGNORING.

It couldn't just be him, his gf, and I?
Just chilling because I hadn't seen him for 4 months...

"I forgot you were here."
And I brought it up.

"You forgot I was even here."
"Well if we saw each other more than every 4+ months..."

I lived around the corner from him. 
HE COULD HAVE INVITED ME OVER
ANY FKN TIME.

What am I supposed to do?
Invite myself?

SO I HAVE GIVEN UP ON ANYONE CARING. 
ABOUT ME.

EVEN ON MY BIRTHDAY.

IT FEELS LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE
FOR BEING THERE FOR OTHERS
AND BEING "FORGOTTEN"
WHEN I'M RIGHT FKN THERE.

A slap in the face and a punch in the gut.

If I had to get a new number for my place, 
I'd hope the collection agencies wouldn't be hounding me.

And it bugs me those charity fundraising calls...
You give to ONE charity and they ALL start calling. 

AND THEY CALL WHEN I'M FKN BROKE
AND CAN'T EVEN DONATE IF I WANTED TO.
AND THEY DON'T LISTEN
THE FIRST TIME YOU TELL THEM.

THEY THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE AN EXCUSE.

One guy was saying: "Well we're not trying to take your bread and butter..."
I CAN'T AFFORD BREAD OR BUTTER RIGHT NOW FFS.

THEY DON'T GET WHAT BROKE EVEN MEANS!!!

IF I HAVE NO MONEY FOR EVEN LAUNDRY
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I HAVE MONEY
TO GIVE TO YOU?

And if I want to donate to a charity OF MY CHOICE, 
I would just do that. Without the calls.

And if you give your info out
over the phone, you get fkd anyway. 

Because anyone could pretend they're working
for a charity or whatever just to get your info. 

THEY ARE JUST AS BAD AS BEDBUGS.
TRYING TO SUCK ME DRY.

I get that there are actual organizations
THAT ACTUALLY DO THINGS FOR PEOPLE ETC.

AND IF I HAD THE MONEY, 
IT'D STILL BE MY CHOICE AS TO WHO I DONATE TO.

INSTEAD OF GETTING THESE SPIELS
ABOUT WHAT GREAT WOR THEY DO...

TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT NOT DONATING MONEY
THAT I DON'T FKN HAVE.

It'd be different if I had the money
and if it was my choice to do it
AND WHO TO GIVE IT TO
WITHOUT ANY GUILT TRIPS ETC.

If I could stop getting those junk calls...
That'd be great.

As it is, 99.8% of the calls I ever even get
ARE FROM THEM. 

Like my own son can't even call me...
About his ID and his things, here.

And one day, he'll realize I've moved
AND HAD TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE

BECAUSE HE AND HIS FATHER (ESPECIALLY)
CAN'T GET THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR @SSES.

Would have been nice, if they had...
A LONG FKN TIME AGO.

I'D BE WASTING MY DAMN TIME
WAITING FOR ANYONE TO EVER
TREAT ME BETTER THAN HOW THEY EVER HAVE.

So why should I keep wanting them to?
BECAUSE WHAT SWEAT OFF THEIR BACK
WOULD IT BE TO TREAT ME
LIKE I MATTER TO THEM?

My own family!!!!!
My so-called "friends"...

And then I get head punchers and mirror smashers
AND A BUNCH OF SH*T
I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR FFS.

SO WHY BOTHER TRYING ANYMORE????

Have to ASK my friends to do something with me
FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Any idea how that FEELS?
HOW WOULD THEY FEEL?

IF I JUST PUT THEM ON THE BACK BURNER
EVEN ON THEIR FKN BIRTHDAY...?

And whenever they EXPECT my help with anything...
I just make an excuse NOT TO HELP THEM.

BECAUSE DID I EVER HAVE TO? NO?

THEY DON'T EITHER, 
BUT IT'D BE NICE
NOT TO HAVE TO ASK.

AND EVEN WHEN I DO ASK...
WHAT DO I EVEN GET?

EXCUSES!

Excuses to even treat me like sh*t.
Even in my own home ffs.

Even after everything I've done for THEM.
Literally putting MY LIFE on hold for THEM.

Because they expect me to ffs.

And I usually find a way
TO THANK THEM FOR HELPING ME.
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE BEEN
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
AND GIVEN ME AN EXCUSE
NOT TO HELP ME.

And then there are some dudes
thinking that the ONLY reason
that I was asking them for their help
WAS TO "BONE." WTF?

Does THAT make me want to ask for help?
EVEN WHEN I NEED IT?
THE MOST?
NO. IT DOESN'T. 

I'd rather them go f*ck themselves
than to ask for help from anyone
WHO'D THINK THAT ABOUT ME.
PERIOD.

I'd rather suffer and NEED help
THAN ASK ANYONE FOR HELP
WHO'D THINK THAT ABOUT ME.

Like can't I be a PERSON
just ASKING for HELP with something?

Like if I wanted to boink you, 
YOU'D KNOW IT.
THERE WOULD BE NO PRETENCES ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE WHY BEAT AROUND THE BUSH ABOUT IT?

But there are @ssholes like:
"She must be INTO me,
or why would she be asking ME for help?"

And going even further:
"She's definitely INTO me, 
let's try to find a way to f*ck her over, 
or take advantage of her IN SOME WAY..."

THAT kind of sh*t makes me want to PUKE, 
for one thing... It's gross.
To THINK like that let alone to BE like that.

Just because I asked you to help me?
With one thing?

GTFO with that sh*t. Y'know?

HOW is that ATTRACTIVE in the slightest?

But seriously, how hard is it to say:
"Oh, you're moving? Need help with anything?"

TO OFFER HELP
WITHOUT HAVING TO BE ASKED.

LIKE I HAVE DONE FOR THEM.

I really want to know how hard that is
and why it's supposedly that hard.

BECAUSE IF IT WAS THAT F*CKING HARD FOR ME, 
WOULD I EVER OFFER MY HELP TO ANYONE?
EVER?

And something came to mine:
A guy said to me once:
"Be careful who you help."

Because some people just take and take and take.
UNTIL YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT
FOR YOURSELF.

And A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE UNGRATEFUL AF.

Was mirror smasher grateful I was helping him?
IF HE WAS WOULD HE HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT?

I don't even help anyone FOR GRATITUDE, 
BUT IT WOULD BE NICE.
JUST A LITTLE BIT.

"I WANT YOU TO NOTICE
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND."

^ Lyrics.

Anyway, I found a bigger box downstairs.
One of my neighbors bought an office chair. 

So I took the box and filled it with my clothes.
And now I have 2 smaller boxes for kitchen stuff or whatever.

My friend told me: "Take very little with you."
"Start fresh in the new place."

Taking less means packing less.
Which is fine with me.

If I can pare it down to like 15 boxes...
Because I have the 10 boxes the lady gave me.
And I found a few today...

Plus, my wool-valanche. 
Never leave home without your wool-valanche...

And when I get to my new place, 
I can hole myself up in there...
Until it gets warmer...

Because f*ck winter...

And just too stressed to want to go anywhere...

But I'll have loads off my mind, at least.
Because I would have already done the things...

Do you ever want to "stress puke"?
Like so stressed you could barf?

I hope nothing gets broken during the move...
I'm not taking some things with me.
I'm not taking the desk. 
It's falling apart and I'd like one
that's not falling apart.

If it wasn't against the wall, in a corner, 
it wouldn't be standing anymore...

So, that and some other things...
Plus, I have electronics I haven't packed, yet...

At least I cleared out my kitchen cabinets...
And the bathroom, I already organized that.
One box, if that...

Pared down my towels, because who needs a ton of towels?
Pared down most of my clothes...

I still have some clothes to wash, tonight or tomorrow...
Probably tomorrow...

Just been a bunch of stupid little things today....
Aggrevated tf out of me.
Aggrevated is the word of the day!

If I could just fit all my packed stuff into my living room, 
and my furniture...
All in the same room...

Then, it'd just be easier to pull it all out on moving day.
Furniture first, other stuff after...

A thing with wheels to make it easier...

It's not like I have a washer and dryer to move, 
or a fridge and stove to move...

A wall unit, book shelves, dressers, 
WITH DRAWERS EMPTY...

I might just take my futon mattress
and just toss the frame.
Another frame to toss, 

I'll have to keep my eyes out for more boxes...
And take trips to get donate more stuff...
Stuff I don't need...

A lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore.
Lost so much weight it's crazy. 

I'll probably end up writing again...
Just... I am tired.

Today's been a day.