Stop @ Red Lights

The car accident involving the bus,
the car went through a red light.

The bus hit it, yes, but the light was green for the bus
and was red for the car.

A lot of car accidents in O-town lately.
Crashes, cars mangled, people hurt.

This is why you're SUPPOSED TO STOP
AT RED LIGHTS.
NOT TRY TO BEAT THEM. 

BECAUSE A BUS MIGHT BE COMING
OR A TRUCK, OR SOMETHING ELSE.

People were making "jokes" about it.
Not a joke to the person driving who crashed
and had to go to the hospital
or their family...

"Can't park here"
About a dude who crashed into a hydro pole. 
The only thing remotely "funny" about it
was that it was outside of a car dealership.

So people were saying "just trade it in."

Anyway, I guess people would rather joke
than look at the severity of the situation... 

I remember a video I saw
it was about a cop making remarks
about an accident
where a pedestrian was running across the street
and a COP CAR HIT THE PERSON.
THE PERSON (FEMALE) FLEW INTO THE AIR
AND LANDED HARD. DIED.

And the cop, one of the cops...
Who "responded" to the scene...

Was saying things like:
"How much do you think we'll pay out to her family?"
"She was only (age) she had limited value."

AND HE WAS RECORDED SAYING IT.
I WATCHED THE VIDEO.

I get why some cops make jokes and try to have
a sense of humor about some stuff.

But instead of humor, maybe try 
HAVING SOME HUMANITY....

SHE WAS SOMEONE'S DAUGHTER.
MAYBE A NIECE, A COUSIN, 
A SISTER...
A GRAND-DAUGHTER.

She wasn't just some judicial case
that was upcoming
BECAUSE A COP DIDN'T STOP.
TO LET HER CROSS.

That kind of sh*t IS GROSS.
HOW HARD IS IT NOT TO BE LIKE THAT?

WOULD YOU WANT SOMEONE
MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOU?

PROBABLY NOT.

And how would people who care about you feel
IF THEY HAD TO HEAR THAT SH*T?
OUTTA MOUTHS IT SHOULDN'T BE COMING FROM
LET ALONE AT ALL?

OR READ COMMENTS LIKE THAT?

One time, I made a horrendous joke
that I still feel guilty over.

Because there was a fire...
And at the time, I didn't know someone died in it.
And that the point of the fire (intentional)
was to end that person's life.

The lady was in a wheelchair.
Needed help to get out of bed...

Her son set the fire.
Knowing she couldn't get out by herself.

AT THE TIME:
I thought that BECAUSE THE UNIT
WAS ON THE MAIN FLOOR
AND CLOSE TO AN EXIT
THAT WHOEVER LIVED THERE
PROBABLY GOT OUT OF THERE...

It wasn't until the next day...
When someone called me...
To make sure it wasn't me who died in the fire...

THAT I EVEN KNEW THAT SOMEONE HAD DIED....

AND STUPID ME:
"Where's my marshmallows?"

While that lady BURNED TO DEATH IN THERE.

I didn't know that's what happened
WHEN I OPENED MY MOUTH TO SAY THAT.

I had made an incorrect assumption. 
GOES TO SHOW THAT YOU CAN ASSUME SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T THE CASE.

LIKE ASSUMING THAT JUST BECAUSE
THEY WERE CLOSE TO AN EXIT
THAT THEY GOT OUT OF THERE, OKAY.

She fkn burned to death.

And what happened?
The company that owns this building, 
they renovated the lobby so that feature
of that "drive through thing" 
is the new lobby
and they changed the name of the building
AS THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED HERE.

Because "that happened at a building called (that),
not the building called (this).

But my point of this:
People tend to make jokes
either without knowing wtf happened, 
or just because they are insensitive...

It wasn't me being insensitive
because if it was that, 
I WOULDN'T FEEL GUILT
FOR HAVING SAID WHAT I SAID.

EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T KNOW, 
AT THE TIME I SAID IT.

IF I KNEW, I WOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.
Because how insensitive does someone have to be
TO SAY THAT, KNOWING THAT?

Guaranteed, most people who've moved in here
AFTER THAT HAPPENED
DON'T KNOW IT HAPPENED.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO GO AROUND
AND BE ALL LIKE:

A LADY BURNED TO DEATH ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

She did, but do I have to tell everyone?

I guess I am by writing about it.
But the only reason I'm even writing about it:

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WTF HAPPENED, 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY FK ALL ABOUT IT.
PERIOD.

NOT EVEN TO MAKE A JOKE.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT "FUNNY"
THAT A LADY BURNED TO DEATH.

Or that a car hit a bus, or a car got wrapped around a post.
Even if it was outside a car dealership.

Some things ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS
AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH.

AS THE TRAGEDY THAT IT IS.
NOT SOME JOKE TO GET LAUGHS.
OR LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA FFS.

Anyway, the reason I brought up the crash, again, 
is that I ASSUMED THE BUS HIT THE CAR.

IT COLLIDED, YES, 
BUT THE BUS HAD THE GREEN LIGHT.
THE CAR DIDN'T.

So it goes to show how we can ASSUME THINGS
THAT ARE INCORRECT.

And if YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU DON'T KNOW.
SO WHY SAY ANYTHING IF YOU DON'T KNOW?

NOBODY HAD TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
But they couldn't help themselves?

They just HAD to?

Did I have to make the joke about the fire?
No. But I did anyway.
AND I WISH I HADN'T.
IN HINDSIGHT IT'S FKN APPALING.

Not only do I feel guilt about it, 
I feel ashamed that I did it.

EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T KNOW.
THAT SHE BURNED TO DEATH IN THERE.

AND THAT HER SON DIDN'T LOVE HER
ENOUGH NOT TO FKN DO THAT TO HER.

We can love someone so deeply, so much
BUT WE CAN'T MAKE THEM LOVE US BACK. 
IT'S EITHER THEY DO OR THEY DON'T. 

EVEN IF IT'S YOUR OWN CHILD.

A child you fed, loved, cared for, 
changed their diapers, bought them toys, 
wanted good things for them etc...

Read bedtime stories to...
Sang songs to etc...

AND IT'S LIKE ME.
ALL THE THINGS I DID FOR MY SON
AND ALL HE DOES IS IGNORE TF OUT OF ME.

MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HIS FATHER, BUT STILL.

He could tell his father to go fk himself
and come back to live with me...

BUT IT'S HIS CHOICE.
AND BECAUSE HE'S AN ADULT, 
I CAN'T 'TELL HIM WHAT TO DO.'

CAN'T EVEN TELL HIM TO CALL ME FFS.

Do I wish that he cared about me, too?
Yeah, I do. 

BUT DO I GET THAT JUST FOR BEING HIS MOM?
NO, I DON'T.

NO "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM."
NO "I LOVE YOU, MOM."
NO "I'M SORRY, MOM."

NOTHING FROM HIM.
NOT A CALL, NOT ONE WORD.

I tried calling him on Christmas, 
HE TURNED HIS PHONE OFF.

And that's my SON.

Wouldn't it be nice
to feel and be loved by your own child?

And yeah, he suffered because of my sh*tty relationship
with his father who didn't treat me any better.

And his father TAUGHT HIM
TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

OTHERWISE HE PROBABLY
WOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER THAN THIS.

But how was he supposed to have "man to man" talks
WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A MAN?
IF HE WAS, HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THE THINGS HE DID.

AND HE'D WANT ME TO SEE HIM
AND HE'D MAKE THAT POSSIBLE.

AND HE WOULDN'T HAVE LIED TO HIM
ABOUT ME ETC.

It's not just fathers who can be alienated from their kids...

BUT LET EVERYONE ASSUME EVERYTHING
WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED.

It's hurt so much for so long
that I kinda feel numb to it now.

If he wants me in his life, he'd show it.

But do I just stop trying to call him
IN HOPES HE'LL ANSWER THE PHONE?

BECAUSE HE HASN'T, AND PROBABLY WON'T.
DO I STOP LEAVING HIM MESSAGES?
THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE LISTENS TO?

DO I GO ON TO JUST LIVE MY LIFE?
WITHOUT KNOWING HOW HE'S DOING?

EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T CARE HOW I'M DOING?
DOES ANYONE?

BUT THEY CAN ASSUME WHY I'M NOT IN HIS LIFE.
THEY CAN ASSUME I DON'T LOVE HIM
ENOUGH TO BE THERE.

HOW CAN I BE IF ALL HE DOES IS IGNORE ME?
AND PUSH ME AWAY?

That goes for everyone who ignores me and pushes me away.
Not just for him. 

And if I can't be in his life, then I can't. 
I try to remind myself that I still have a life to live
regardless of who wants to be in it
AND WHO DOESN'T. 

EVEN THOUGH I WANT THEM TO BE.

I DON'T GET TO EVEN WANT THAT.
I WANT THAT, 
BUT IT'S LIKE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO WANT THAT.

BECAUSE WHO GAF WHAT I WANT???!!!
My son? My family? My friends?
Anyone? Nope.

Does not fkn matter what I want. Never did.

And I look back on what I thought I wanted...
TO GET MARRIED, HAVE A FAMILY, 
JUST BE LOVED.
JUST THAT...

ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE WANTED,
JUST WITH THE WRONG PERSON. 

WRONG PERSON IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!!

But here I am, 25 years after meeting that guy...
Sharing my life with him, my home with him, 
having a kid with him...

Thinking he was something he isn't. 
And probably never was.

But I tend to want to look for and "see"
the best in everyone. Even him. 

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I TRUTED HIM. 
BECAUSE HE HADN'T GIVEN ME REASONS NOT TO.

UNTIL HE DID.
AND BY THEN IT WAS TOO LATE.

STILL DON'T TRUST THE GUY WORTH A SH*T.
WHY SHOULD I?

DO I HAVE ANY REASON TO, NOW? NO?

I SURE AS H*LL DON'T.

My ex should be in jail, getting reamed.
HAVING WHAT HE DID, DONE TO HIM.
WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND, RIGHT?

But I supposedly dgaf about my own son.
IF I DIDN'T I WOULDN'T STILL BE TRYING.
AND TRYING, AND TRYING.

But I'm not going to cry about it anymore.
I still have a life to live. Regardless.

And that one guy... When I was actually crying to him
about it...

He said: Crying's not going to change anything.
He's right. So why cry about it anymore?

My grandmother used to cry about the fact
that out of 10 grandchildren, 
I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED HER.
JUST TO TALK TO HER.
TO TELL HER I LOVE HER...

AND I KNOW HOW SHE FELT.
BECAUSE I JUST WANTED THE SAME THINGS
AND IT WAS NEVER TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.
WAS IT?

I miss her so much!!!!!!!
I wish I could have her back!!!!!

Having dreams about her is bitter-sweet.
Sweet because I get to see her, 
but I have to wake up to the fact that she died. 

She was the only one who truly, actually, loved me.
Without having had her in my life
WHO WOULD I HAVE BECOME?

WOULD I BE THE SAME PERSON?

I mean, of course I could have done much better...
I could have spent MORE time with her
INSTEAD OF BEING AS SELFISH AS I WAS...

EVEN THOUGH I CALLED HER
EVEN MULTIPLE TIMES /DAY.
EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS TOLD HER I LOVED HER.

EVEN THOUGH I HELD HER HAND...

Even though I notified her friends to go see her
at the hospital because she wasn't doing the best
after she had that stroke and it wasn't looking good. 

Even though I brought my son with me to visit her
when he was young...

BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO INSTILL
SOME VALUES IN HIM...

I NEVER MET MY EX'S MOTHER.
HE NEVER INTRODUCED OUR SON TO HIS MOTHER.

HIS MOTHER KNEW THROUGH HIS SISTER
THAT HE HAS A SON.

And how was that supposed to feel FOR MY SON?
THAT HE DIDN'T GET TO MEET HIS GRANDMOTHER?

AND MY MOTHER?
My son thought she was his AUNT.
Even though I never told him that.

Since my Grandmother was more of a mother to me.
My grandmother was the one who got me up in the mornings...

Out of my crib, fed me, dressed me, changed my diapers.
My grandmother was there for me
afer my father k*lled himself. 

I could have at least been there for her MORE than I was.
That's something I'll always regret.

But crying's not going to change anything. 
Not going to bring her back...

Not going to "make" my son "understand"
that I do love him...

DESPITE ANY BS HIS DAD TRIES TO FILL HIS HEAD WITH.
REGARDING ME OR IN GENERAL...

BECAUSE HE HAS TO REMEMBER
THAT HIS FATHER
WOULDN'T INTRODUCE HIM
TO HIS OWN GRANDMOTHER...

I got to see and meet my father's mother a few times.
It's not like he was trying to hide me from the world
or his family
who wanted very little to do with me, 
but more so to do with my mother...

AND EASY TO ASSUME
THAT I'M JUST LIKE HER....
IN EVERY WAY FFS.

SO WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO?
IF THEY ASSUMED THAT?

BUT IT'S NOT EASY FOR KIDS
WHEN THEIR PARENTS SPLIT.
BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARDER
WHEN THEY DON'T. 

But yeah, my son wanted healthy family dynamics
which he didn't get.

Mostly because of his father.
AND I DON'T GAF WHAT KIND OF MOTHER
ANYONE THINKS I AM.
BECAUSE AT LEAST
I DIDN'T DO WHAT HIS FATHER DID.

BUT HE WAS "THE BETTER" PARENT?

NO PARENT SHOULD DO WHAT HE DID.
AND IF YOU KNEW WHAT HE DID,
YOU'D KNOW THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING....

But people would rather look at ME and judge ME.

I'm not going to sit here and say that I did NOTHING WRONG.
I DID, BUT NOT TO THE EXTENT
THAT HE DID...

And I'm not going to say:
"As bad as I was, he's WORSE."

He is, but that's not the point.

The point is that despite ANYTHING
I EVER DID WRONG, 
IT WAS NOT TO THE SCALE
OF HIS WRONGS
AND YET MY SON
WOULD RATHER BE THERE
THAN WITH ME.

And yes, it does hurt, deeply...
BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS AN ALCOHOLIC.

Because I didn't know how to cope with post-pardum depression.
Or depession in general...

AND HE DIDN'T NEED TO SUFFER
BECAUSE OF ME, BUT HE DID.

THAT was my fault.
BUT EVERYTHING HIS FATHER DID....
TO SPITE ME, ETC
WAS HIS FAULT.

Because he never had to.
Just like I never had to start drinking again
after my son was born. 

I'd already quit when I found out I was pregnant.
I didn't have to start back up again...

I was 19 years old when he was born. 
2 days after my 19th birthday.

WHO HAS THEIR SH*T TOGETHER @ 19 YRS OLD?

SOMEONE WHO WAS RAISED BY PEOPLE
WHO HAVE THEIR SH*T TOGETHER...

CAN STILL BE CRAZILY IMMATURE.
WHEN YOU STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN...

AND WHO WAS THERE TO TEACH ME THINGS?
THAT I HAD TO LEARN FOR MYSELF?

But just because people THOUGHT THINGS ABOUT ME.
DOESN'T MEAN THEY WERE EVER RIGHT ABOUT ME.

How could my son have ever really known me?
How could I have evert really known my father?

I told my mother I didn't want to see him anymore.
And she told him.

And he wrote to me saying
that he hoped that wasn't the way I felt...

BUT DID HE CARE HOW I FELT?
WAITING FOR HIM
FOR HIM NOT TO SHOW UP?
FOR ME?
NOT TO COME GET ME?

How was that supposed to feel?

I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE SOMEONE
WHO OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME?
BECAUSE IF HE WANTED TO, 
HE FKN WOULD HAVE.

But here I am wanting to see my son
AND I FKN CAN'T.

UNTIL HE DECIDES TO STOP BEING A BRAT.
IF HE EVER DECIDES THAT.

BUT WHO DOES HE HAVE IN HIS LIFE
TEACHING HIM HOW NOT TO BE ONE?

HIS FATHER?

AND HIS FATHER KEPT IT THAT WAY.

Just like when I was living with him. 
He wanted it to be just him and I.

I didn't go out a lot when we were together.

A WEEK AFTER STRATING TO DATE THE GUY, 
HE GOT MAD THAT I WAS INVITED TO A PARTY
AND DIDN'T WANT ME TO GO TO IT
EVEN THOUGH HE COULD HAVE COME WITH ME.

SO I DIDN'T GO. A WEEK IN. 
AND WHEN I TOLD HIM I WAS PREGNANT
HE WANTED ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION. 

YET HE TOOK CUSTODY
OF A KID HE NEVER WANTED...
JUST TO FKN SPITE ME
FOR BREAKING UP WITH HIM FFS.

But why would I want to be with someone
WHO'D FKN DO THAT?