What Are They Thinking?

It seems like they come up with something new every few days...
First it was that tax break. 
It's going to end up costing more money.

Then the $250 cheques. 
The money's not going to seniors
or people with disabilities. 

That's one point I agree with. 
Coming from Mr. supercar himself. 

He's getting by with saying it's not his.
Since it's not "in his name" but he still drives it.

Anyway, it seems that the gov wants to force
the postal workers to go back to work. 

IT SEEMS THE WORKERS PICK
THIS TIME OF YEAR
TO GO ON STRIKE.

Like when the bus drivers were on strike.
IT WAS DURING THE WINTER.
OVER CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS.

I think the garbage collection workers
were making a point of striking
during the summer, in Toronto.

It showed the city how much garbage
ACTUALLY COLLECTS
AND GETS HAULED AWAY.

WE DON'T GET TO SEE THAT.
PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.

But my point was that during the summer, 
the sun hitting those black bags...
Garbage, just rotting there...

DRIVES HOME A POINT.

And whole sectors of "essential workers"
GOING ON STRIKE
JUST TO HAVE BETTER DEALS...

WELP, JT, HOW ARE YOU GONNA
SHIP OUR GUNS TO THE UKRAINE?
He'd probably get them shipped there
by our military or something. 

IF RUSSIA COULD ATTACK THE UKRAINE,
WHAT MAKES US THINK
THAT WE ARE EXEMPT FROM THE LIST
OF PLACES THEY MIGHT WANT TO
TRY TO TAKE CHARGE OF?

HOW CLOSE IS RUSSIA TO CANADA?
A lot closer than we think it is.

When a lot of people think of Russia, 
they think of Russia to the East of us. 
They don't seem to realize Russia's also North of us.

THEY ALSO DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE
THAT A LOT OF OUR NATURAL RESOURCES
ARE IN NORTHERN CANADA.

THAT THERE'S MORE TO CANADA
THAN SOUTHERN CANADA
(WHERE A VAST MAJORITY OF CANADIANS LIVE).

Northern US can get snow.

It's rare to snow in "hot" places.
Anyone remember the time that it snowed
in Saudi Arabia?

I wonder when the last time was, before that.


Speaking of extreme weather, one of the books
that I've borrowed from the library, 
it called "Back-out."

From the same author as "Snow Blind."

Speaking of snow...
Finally have some now...

Wasn't exactly looking forward to winter, 
but here it is.

My mentality is that once it's over, 
it's over, until the next one.

Kind of like "the sooner it gets here, 
the sooner it can go away." lol. 

Not a fan of it, at all. 
Especially the slipping and falling stuff. 

And the "I can't feel my face" stuff lol. 

There was a snow storm called "White Death."

I want to say it was in 1976... Or very close to that year.

I envy people with good memories. 
Also, it really surprises me if someone remembers
anything about me. 
"You were listening to me?" Blows me away.

Also, I feel bad for forgetting stuff.
And asking to be reminded about something. 


I was in a chat room talking about what I did with my bat.
Because I had two. 

One was a Louisville Slugger.
I forget where I got it or how long I had it.

(I'd like to be able to remember stuff like that).

Anyway, I was having a crap day.
I was going for a long walk. 

A kid was outside their place with his mom. 
I don't know how we got to talking. 
If he said hi first.

We were talking about the weather being nice.
He reminded me of a guy I know.
So I asked him if he likes computers. 

He said he likes baseball and wants
to play for the Toronto Bluejays. 

I'm guessing the kid was between the ages of 11-13.

So I was still like in the mode of wanting to give away my stuff. 
And I felt like since the kid is actually into baseball
that he'd take good care of it.

And I'd rather have that and he seemed to be happy with it.

Never know, though. Maybe he'll end up making the team. 
That'd be awesome. 

Ottawa has a team, but not a famous team like Toronto. 
I only went to 2 games. 

I went to one with my ex and I wanted to stay for it, 
but he wanted to leave.

The other one, a guy at school invited a few of us
to go to a game with him for his birthday. 

Those were the only ones I went to. 

I tried to play a few times.
I definitely need practice batting. 

Mirror smasher damaged my bat, too. 
The metal one I kept. 

The Louisville Slugger I gave the kid was wood. 
MIRROR SMASHER WOULD HAVE SMASHED
MY WOODEN BAT, TOO.

I wanted the bat to be with someone
who would take good care of it.

But not happy that my metal bat was damaged, too. 
BUT ESPECIALLY MY MIRROR. WTF.

Didn't give them what they wanted
AFTER CONSTANT DISRESPECT.
PROVED MY POINT.
COULDN'T LEAVE RESPECTFULLY.

BECAUSE I'M ONLY HERE
TO GIVE EVERYONE WHAT THEY WANT?
JUST FOR DISRESPECT?! No.

Maybe part of respecting me
IS NOT EXPECTING ME
TO JUST GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER HAVING
NO CONSIDERATION FOR ME.

Anyway, before I went on that tangent...
I was saying that I said what I did with that bat...
That I gave the bat to the kid.

And someone remembered that I said that.
I guess it surprised me that he remembered that.


Hmm, for "background noise" there's a video
about a woman who some were saying
that someone was stalking her
and some people didn't believe her
and were of the mind that she was behind it all. 

She wound up dead. 
And because they were "unable" to tell
if she'd done it to herself
or someone else actually k1lled her, 

her death was reported as "unknown event."

Imagine going through a bunch of sh*t
that leads to your death, 

but people think you're doing it to yourself?

It's like when those jealous females
TRYING TO COME AT ME
AND I STRAIGHT UP SPOKE ABOUT IT
AND THERE WAS PROOF OF IT.

IN YOUR FACE PROOF.

BUT I'M STILL "CRAZY"?
I'M THE ONE WHO'S "CRAZY"
BUT NOT THEM FOR TRYING TO COME AT ME?
LET ALONE LETTING THEM?
EVEN HELPIING THEM DO IT?
PARTICIPATING?

Like that, I must be the "jealous, crazy" one.
DOING THAT SH*T TO MYSELF?
OR TO THEM?
WHAT SHOULD THAT SAY ABOUT ME?

BUT WITHOUT THAT...
THINGS SAID AND DONE
SPOKE FOR THEMSELVES.

NO NEED FOR THAT BS.

There was never any need for that BS.
BECAUSE WHY?
BECAUSE WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT THEM?

WHO DOES IT SAY MORE ABOUT?
THEMSELVES OR ME?

If they didn't want it to say ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.
WHY WOULD THEY BE ABOUT IT?

That's something I had to learn, too.
AS ASHAMED AS I AM TO ADMIT THAT.

I USED TO GIVE MYSELF EXCUSES
TO DO BS THINGS I WISH I NEVER DID.

NOT ONLY DO I WISH I NEVER DID IT, 
I HAD NO RIGHT TO DO IT.

I have much more self-restraint and awareness.
IN THE PAST I WAS AS IMMATURE
AS TO GO OUT OF MY WAY 
AS TO ACT UNAWARE.

Someone I talk with about spiritual matters...
He keeps saying "THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO."
"They are asleep."

Looking back, to the way things were...
I mean, the way I USED TO BE...
I SEE SOME OF IT IN OTHERS.

I REMEMBER BEING BACK THERE,
AND I GAVE MYSELF "REASONS"
FOR BEING LIKE THAT.

EXCUSES TO BE LIKE THAT.
THERE WEREN'T ANY. 

I LITERALLY TRIED TO JUSTIFY IT.

Anyway, he says:
"Repent means to change your thinking."
Repenser.

It's NOT ENOUGH TO BE SORRY.
SORRY ISN'T JUST A WORD.
THAT YOU JUST SAY.

DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY.
DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.

LIKE THAT HEAUX WHO INTERJECTED INTO my CONVO
TO TRY TO THREATEN ME ETC.

SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY.
I DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE HER "APOLOGY."

BUT SHE THINKS THAT BECAUSE SHE GAVE ONE,
IT'S JUST AUTO ACCEPTED?
AND IT MADE WHAT SHE DID "OKAY"?

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OKAY
IF I DID THAT SH*T.


Anyway, I've got my sites, and 2 more sites 
to work on now... It'll keep me busy. 

We'll see how it goes, I guess.

One of the other sites is going to be a dog site.
The domain's already registered and has been,
for a long time, but I still need to put it up.

On Friday, we picked out some hex codes.

And then, I'll work on the front page
after I get WordPress installed on that domain. 

And I have to install WordPress on another domain. 

And install WordPress on one of my domains...

I've tended to put my stuff on the back burner
for other people and their stuff. 

Which seems to be the case, again. 

Oh well, as long as things get done...

But I have to bring it up to the guy, again. 
about not talking to me like he thinks he can
try to talk me into going with what he wants.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT WHAT HE WANTS.

AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL
IF HE ACCEPTED MY CHOICE
AND RESPECTED IT FOR WHAT IT WAS.
THE FIRST TIME.

LIKE THAT HAUX, COULD HAVE REALIZED
THE FIRST TIME
THAT I DIDN'T ACCEPT HER 'APOLOGY'
THAT SHE DIDN'T GET TO JUST
DO WHAT SHE WANTS.

DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO JUST DO WHAT I WANT?
NO? THEN DOES SHE? NO!

I realized a long time ago
THAT I DON'T JUST GET TO DO
WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE DOING...

BECAUSE WHY? I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO DO IT.

But shouldn't there come a time when you become
ashamed of yourself for going with someone's smear campaign
OF SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU?

Because why smear someone like that
UNLESS THEY WERE A THREAT SOMEHOW?

when they realize a bunch of things were f*cked up,
unfair INTENTIONALLY.

Not just unfair that they went out of their way to do it
WHEN THEY NEVER HAD TO DO IT...

BUT BECAUSE HAD I DONE IT, TO THEM, 
IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT.

AND BECAUSE I WOULDN'T.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I?
ESPECIALLY ANYTHING THAT I DO NOT
HAVE TO GO OUT OF MY WAY TO DO.

JUST LIKE THEY DIDN'T? EITHER?

JUST LIKE SOMEONE INTERJECTING
THEMSELVES INTO MY CONVERSATION... 

OR ALLOWING SOMEONE TO DO THAT AT ALL
LET ALONE KEEP DOING IT.

AND WOULD IT BE FAIR, TO ME, 
NOT TO ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN? 

TO STAND UP FOR MY RIGHT
TO KEEP WHAT IS SAID BETWEEN ME
AND SOMEONE ELSE
only be between the people
HAVING THE CONVERSATION. 

Wouldn't that be fair, to me?
Not let some jealous heaux who feels the need to do
A WHOLE BUNCH OF BS THINGS
TO JUST DO THOSE BS THINGS?
AND INVOLVE MORE?

I'm not bitter anyone chose someone over me.
WHY? BECAUSE IT IS THEIR CHOICE.
THEREFORE, I HAVE NO RIGHT
TO TRY TO INTERJECT MYSELF
INTO CONVERSATIONS
BETWEEN THEM AND SOMEONE ELSE.

OR SPY, OR STALK, OR WHATEVER.
OR THREATEN FFS.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I THINK
THAT I'M SOMEHOW BETTER THAN HER?

THERE COULD BE LOTS OF WAYS
THAT SHE'S BETTER THAN ME, 
AND IS THAT SUPPOSED TO P*SS ME OFF?
NO. AM I SUPPOSED TO
LET OTHERS MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES?
YES.

JUST LIKE MY CHOICES ARE MINE TO MAKE, TOO. 


This isn't exactly the same thing, but close...
A guy I had chatted with, 
we hadn't spoken in a long time, 
but he hadn't reached out to me
SO I WAS RESPECTING HIS CHOICE NOT TO.
BECAUSE HE HAS A LIFE.

He got mad at me that I respected his choice
NOT TO CONTACT ME.

AND HE ACTED LIKE A CHILD
THAT I WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH MY LIFE
AND DIDN'T WRITE TO HIM FIRST.

SO HE STRAIGHT UP HARASSED ME
TO "MAKE ME" BLOCK HIM.
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO.

AND I REFUSED BECAUSE OF HOW HE WAS ACTING
TO TRY TO GET ME TO
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO.

I WAS WAITING ON HIM WEARING HIMSELF OUT.
LIKE THROWING A TANTRUM
FOR NOT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT.
TO TRY TO GET WHAT THEY WANT.

Why reward that by giving them what they want?
Just to "shut them up"?

No. Throwing a fit about not getting what you want, 
BY TRYING TO CONTROL ME, 
DOESN'T GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
FROM/WITH ME.

Because if that's all it took,
THEY'D EXPECT TO JUST GET THEIR WAY
EVERY TIME. 

JUST HAVE A TANTRUM ABOUT IT. WTF?
Is that how adults should behave?
Is that how I should act?
No? THEN GTFO WITH THAT SH*T.

I feel some sort of second-hand embarrassment
WHEN FEMALES TRY TO ACT
LIKE THEY CAN "CONTROL" ME.
AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM
ABOUT ME.

Embarrassed for them. 

Not because I think I'm better.
It's because they haven't figured out that part. 

I'll admit that it took me too long to figure out some stuff. 
Yes, I'm embarrassed for myself about it.

That it took me this long...
But WHY it took me this long.

Because... A lot of things, I was refusing to do.
Like looking at myself. I didn't want to.

One, it's hard to look at something you don't want to see.
And it's hard to see something you don't want to look at.

It doesn't start with the truth in and of that part, 
but I'd like to say that part is a thread to a start.

And why do people not WANT to look at themselves?
SHAME.

THEY DON'T WANT TO FEEL SHAME.

AND IF SOMEONE'S TRYING TO WIN
SOMETHING OVER ME
WHEN I'M NOT TRYING TO WIN ANYTHING...

I ONLY ASKED FOR FAIR.
AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK FOR THAT.

THEY WANT FAIR FOR THEMSELVES,
WHY WOULDN'T I WANT THAT, TOO?

The very least is fair, correct?


LIKE HOW I DIDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO THEM.
BECAUSE, WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FAIR
IF I DID THAT SH*T?
OF ME? TO JUST DO?

NO. AND THEY KNOW.

Around what kind of person I am?
With no conversation about it?

SO I SHOULD JUST DO THAT, TOO?

THAT'S WHAT'S BEEN RUBBING ME
THE WRONG WAY.

IT WOULDN'T BE COOL OF ME.
SO WHY WOULD IT BE COOL OF THEM?
WHY WOULD I BE COOL WITH IT?
WHY WOULD THEY BE COOL WITH THAT?
FROM ME?

THEY WOULDN'T BE COOL WITH IT.

Besides the fact that I don't have a right
TO JUST DO THAT SH*T.
JUST BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT?
No. F*ck that.

All because someone had a choice
THEY DIDN'T WANT THEM TO MAKE
ABOUT ME.

EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT THEIR CHOICE! 

EVEN SO, IF YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES,
BASED ON THE TRUTH, ABOUT ME, 
ABOUT WHAT EVEN HAPPENED AND WHY,
THEN WHY SHOULD I WANT TO "STICK AROUND"?


Besides that, nobody should be trying to influence my choices, either
BASED ON WHAT THEY WANT ME TO DO.
JEALOUSY EXISTS IN GUYS, TOO.

I SAW IT IN A GUY WHO DIDN'T WANT ME
TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS
AND GOT MAD WHEN I DID THINGS FOR THEM, 
NOT HIM. 

WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN HIS BUSINESS
WHAT I DID FOR WHO AND WHY.

LIKE I OWE MY FULL ALEGIACE TO HIM?
NO. I DON'T.

But guys (like him) can act like those females.

WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO GET OR HAVE
AN OFFER.

WITHOUT REALIZING THAT I AM TO A POINT
THAT I'M NOT JUST GOING TO ACCEPT ANY OFFER.

I USED TO DO THAT.
WOULD I BE GETTING OR GOING ANYWHERE
IF I KEPT DOING THAT?
OR WOULD I BE WASTING MY TIME?

FOR MORE BS I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR?

That's why I don't do that sh*t.

Pretty sure they didn't sign up for it. 
Only signed up to be about it.

And the thing is, you don't know 
what they're about until they show you.

And they wouldn't do it to your face, 
until they do.

AND THEN LEAVE THEM TO IT.
BECAUSE THEY CHOSE IT.

Didn't have to, but they did. 
They're allowed to make choices. So am I.

But I'm allowed to stand on my choices. So are they.

All of a sudden "Whoops! I shouldn't have done that!"
Welp, what did you think was going to happen?
Welp, you went and did that.

Because of what? Because of who?
Because of what they want? From you? Lol.

AND WHAT DID I DO?
SMASH YOUR EGO AND WHAT?
LEFT YOU TO YOUR BS?

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING ME TO DO?
PROVE MYSELF CONSTANTLY?
FIGHT FOR YOU TO LISTEN?
FOR YOU TO GAF ABOUT ME?

WHY WOULD I FIGHT FOR THAT?
WHY SHOULD ANYONE FIGHT FOR THAT?

I USED TO FIGHT FOR THAT.
STILL FOUGHT FOR NOTHING.
ONLY TO REALIZE THAT.
ONLY TO STOP DOING IT.

BECAUSE IT'S USELESS.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR IT.
SO WHY DO IT?

WHY WOULD I STICK AROUND
TO FIGHT FOR BASIC CARE AND REGARD?

AND AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MAD, THOUGH?
AND "OVER REACT" LIKE A "PSYCHO"?
OR DO PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOVE ON
LIKE I DO?!

BUT WANTING SOMEONE TO COME AT ME
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT SOMEONE
TO COME TOWARDS ME,

LOW? 

But can't see anything we don't want to look at.
Can't look at anything we don't want to see.

And what people go to some lengths to hide.
ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND WHY.

In the end, does it really matter
IF THINGS WERE ALL MADE FAIR TO ME?

MAYBE WHAT IS FAIR WAS JUST NOT
DOING ANY OF THAT SH*T.

I'm not mad that people have their choices,
it's that they could have minded their own business.

WHEN IT COMES TO MY CHOICES.
AND SOMEONE'S CHOICE ABOUT ME.

HOWEVER, I HAVE CHOICES, TOO.

THEY ONLY KNOW HOW IT'D AFFECT THEM.
THEY COULD ONLY GUESS
HOW IT'D AFFECT ME.

WHETHER OR NOT THEY COULD ACTUALLY
DOMINATE ME LOL. 

When you do that sh*t, ALREADY LOST.
and when it becomes very apparent
that you did that and why, 
there's no escaping that.

It's just that when people actually think
that the only way to succeed is to block and sabotage someone else,
THEY WON'T PUT THE EFFORT IN
TO GETTING AHEAD ON THEIR OWN MERIT.

WHY DO THAT WHEN THEY CAN JUST TRY
TO PUSH SOMEONE OUT OF THE WAY?

I'd rather get ahead on my own merit.
But that doesn't mean that I should be fighting for consideration.
Or for understanding, to be heard, or for anything. 

What would the point be, in that?
To have to keep fighting for that?
No, thanks.

Things I had to fight for constantly and never got anyway?

while... I could have done so much more with my time.

Like I had to fight to move on, even. 
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE JUST BEEN ALLOWED
TO WALK TF AWAY 
WITHOUT MORE BS.

NO GAMES, NO MAKING ME WAIT.
NOTHING MORE, PERIOD. 

JUST F*CKING LET ME.
WITHOUT ANY BS.

That shouldn't be much to ask for
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WOULD WANT
THE SAME FOR THEMSELVES.

I SHOULD ALLOW THEM TO MOVE ON

without any bs from me.

SO I SHOULDN'T GET THE SAME?
Without any bs from them?