Then Finish My Drink

Still not feeling great. Maybe I'll write.
Stuff on my mind, still. 

I read somewhere that they'll come a day
when the people who did you wrong
WILL REGRET WHY.

Whether privately or publically...

DO I HAVE FAITH THAN ANYONE IN MY LIFE
WHO DID ME WRONG WILL EVEN SEE
WHY THEY WERE WRONG
TO DO ME WRONG?

I barely have faith in myself. 

But I have enough faith in myself
TO TELL PEOPLE WHO DID ME WRONG
TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES.

EVERY CHANCE I EVER GAVE, 
DOESN'T NEED TO BE GIVEN AGAIN. 

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE:
THE CHANCES I WAS GIVING
WERE FOR CHANGE.
NOTHING CHANGED. 


Do I have faith that ANYTHING will change?

Some things will change, 
BUT PEOPLE CHANGE
ONLY IF THEY WANT TO. 

IF THEY REALLY THINK
THEY HAVE NO REASON TO CHANGE, 
THEY WON'T. 

What was anyone going to do to change
TO have another chance WITH ME 
IF THEY RUINED THE FIRST FEW?

SAYS WHAT ABOUT THEM?
THAT THEY APPRECIATED THE CHANCES
THEY WERE GIVEN?

DID THEY HAVE TO WORK FOR THEM?
OR DID YOU JUST GIVE THEM?


It's like every time I got a fraction of a chance, 
I PUT EVERYTHING INTO IT.
FOR WHAT? NOTHING?

Not for "nothing" I guess...
BROKEN FAMILY HEIRLOOM, 
THERMOS OF P*SS...
MORE BS/DRAMA/GARBAGE.

But how am I FOR THE STREETS ETC?
WHEN I WON'T F*CKING SETTLE
FOR THAT SH*T?

If I were for the streets, I'd be down
FOR ANYTHING, CORRECT?

WHY WOULD I BE DOWN FOR
F*CKERY? FOR ONE?

Must have had me confused
for someone
WHO HAS THE TIME FOR THAT SH*T.


We only have time for what we make time for.
WHY MAKE TIME FOR THAT?

WHY DID I? 
BECAUSE MAYBE, I THOUGHT
I COULD EASILY PROVE MYSELF. 
MY CHARACTER, ETC.

THAT EVERYTHING ABOUT ME
WOULD SPEAK FOR ITSELF. 

AND I STILL GOT THIS GARBAGE.
BUT DO I REALLY NEED IT?

THAT'S NOT LOVE, PERIOD. 
TO BE BLAMED FOR THEIR GARBAGE
IS NOT LOVE.

I mean, haven't I gotten to a place in MY LIFE
THAT I ALREADY KNOW
WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T?

AND THE ONLY IMMASCULATING THING ABOUT
KNOWING WHAT I WANT 
AND WHAT I DON'T

IS NOT BEING MAN ENOUGH
TO F*CKING BE ABOUT IT
(AND STOP BEING ABOUT IT)
OR JUST F*CK RIGHT OFF.

But SAYING IT. JUST SAYING IT.
DOES NOT IMPLY ANYTHING. 

IF IT IMPLIED ANYTHING, MAYBE. 

BUT IT ONLY IMPLIES WHAT'S MEANT.
Take it, twist it any way you want to. 

But if someone isn't man enough
TO EITHER BE ABOUT IT
OR STOP BEING ABOUT IT.

WHAT THE F*CK DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
ANYTHING?

And when I speak on this.
THEY F*CKING KNOW IT'S TRUE. 

AND THAT, IF ANYTHING, 
IS WHAT'S IMMASCULATING. 

I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT, 
THE TRUTH DOES IT FOR ME. PERIOD.

The truth about it all. IS STILL THERE.
LIKE ENERGY, CAN'T BE DESTROYED. 
NOT WITH A LIE. 

It's like trying to breathe on a flame. 
You can blow a candle out, 
but the candle's still there.

AND WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE, 
IN THE DARK, 
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO LIGHT IT. 

Then you'll want that candle. 
THE FLAME YOU BLEW OUT. 

Of course, I'm talking metaphorically, 
like I usually do. 

Pretty sure you already got the point. 
Got to where I'm going with it, 
without me having to take you
ALL THE WAY THERE.

We both know that I don't have to
hold your metaphoric hand.
Through my metaphoric expressions. 


IF I WAS GOING TO SETTLE
I WOULD HAVE MARRIED THE POS
WHO TREATED ME LIKE SH*T. 

OH WAIT! I CAN DO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.
NOT EVEN BY JUST LEAPS AND BOUNDS.

AND I F*CKING WARNED PEOPLE
THAT I WILL WALK TF AWAY.

AND HONESTLY, THE FIRST F*CKING TIME...
I SHOULD HAVE F*CKING RAN.

Didn't want to hear it, wanted to blame me etc.
FOR THEIR OWN BS.

AND I WANT TO STAY FOR THAT WHY?
WHY WOULD I?

BECAUSE I 'CAN'T' DO BETTER?
F*CK THAT SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD. 

TIME TO BRING IT BACK TO ONE CHANCE.
ONE CHANCE ONLY.

TWO IF YOU ARE LUCKY. 

ANYTHING OVER THAT, 
WASTED TIME, EFFORT, ETC.

Looking back, it's easier to see
PEOPLE WHO EXPECTED SO DAMN MUCH OF ME
WHEN WHAT COULD I EXPECT FROM THEM?
ANYTHING?

OTHER THAN BS?

Sure, I had a lot to learn, but I've been learning it. 
I've been applying things to my life. 
I've made changes for myself. 
BECAUSE WHO'S GOING TO CARE ABOUT ME?
IF NOT ME?

And I'm not talking just looking out for myself
BUT WHY SHOULD I 
PUT MYSELF OUT OF MY WAY
TO HELP ANYONE
WHO WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO BE ABOUT SOME BS TO ME?

Because they had to go OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO BE ABOUT THAT SH*T.
TO ME.

And if they did that sh*t just ONCE
F*CKING BELIEVE 
WHAT THEY ARE SHOWING YOU. 

ANYTHING SAYING THEY CHANGED, ETC....
THEIR ACTIONS ALREADY SPOKE. 

People can change, I have. 
Takes time, but you HAVE TO WANT TO.
OR ELSE WHY WOULD YOU?

IF YOUR BS "WORKS" TO A POINT, 
WHY CHANGE?

DON'T HAVE TO ALLOW ANYONE'S BS
TO "WORK."
IF ANYTHING, ALLOW IT TO "WORK"
AGAINST THEM. 

EVEN IF THEY WANT TO TRY TO
BLAME YOU. 

ALL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE
MAN ENOUGH (OR WOMAN ENOUGH)
TO OWN THEIR OWN SH*T. 

WHY WOULD I OWN SOMEONE
ELSES'S SH*T?

I'M OWNING MY OWN. 
YOU OWN YOURS. 

Until such a time
nobody's about any sh*t.

And then, maybe another chance.

BUT WHEN ALL THE F*CKS RUN OUT, 
SO DO THE CHANCES. 

AND PUSHED TO THE POINT
THAT I'VE RUN OUT OF F*CKS TO GIVE....
NO MORE CHANCES LEFT TO GIVE, EITHER.

That's where I am in my life.

PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE PUSHED ME TO THAT POINT.
AND I DID WARN THAT IT WOULD GET TO THAT POINT.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY COULDN'T
OR WOULDN'T SEE OR GET THE POINT. 

Am I here to just hammer the point home to everyone?

Or shouldn't the point have been obvious and gotten?
And not 'forgotten'?

Whoops! I 'forgot' you were HUMAN.
I 'FORGOT' YOU HAVE FEELINGS.
I 'FORGOT' YOU WEREN'T ABOUT THAT SH*T.

GEE, WHY AM I NOT ABOUT IT?
BECAUSE: WHY BE ABOUT IT?
TO GET SOMETHING FROM IT?
WHAT FROM IT SHOULD I WANT?


I shouldn't even have to be talking about it. 
BUT FFS SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE
TO GO THROUGH F*CK ALL
MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE.

MORE THAN I ALREADY ALLOWED. 
BY PUTTING MYSELF IN IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE

BY GIVING CHANCES TO, 
MULTIPLE CHANCES TO
PEOPLE WHO NEVER DESERVED ONE.
LET ALONE 22...

Is #23 supposed to set either of us free? No?
THEN WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT?

PEOPLE WHO F*CK UP THAT BAD
KNOW THEY ARE F*CKING UP. 

TOLD THE FIRST TIME...
TOLD THE THIRD TIME....

HOW MANY TIMES?
SHOULD YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM?
OR SHOULD I?

Why would that TURN ME ON?
HOW WOULD THAT IMMATURE BS
BE "ATTRACTIVE" TO ME?

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO "SETTLE" FOR THAT?
AND ACT LIKE THAT WAS A "DREAM COME TRUE"?
F*CK THAT SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.
SEVERAL TIMES ON A SATURDAY.


But talk how "you can't do it anymore with her."
"20 years with the wrong person."

ALL KINDS OF OTHER STUFF

THEN TURN IT AROUND ON ME.

BUT WHEN I AM GONE, 
NOT COMING BACK...
 
THEY CAN REGRET EVERYTHING. 
AND IDGAF.

THEY CAN "KEEP DOING WHAT THEY
'COULDN'T DO' ANYMORE."

WITH WHOEVER THEY "COULDN'T"
DO IT ANYMORE WITH...

Don't CRY to me about ANYONE
IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUN RIGHT BACK.
FOR ANY REASON. 


BECAUSE IF THEY CAN JUST MANIPULATE YOU.
DON'T F*CKING COME TO ME.

And the ONLY reason feeling "immascuated"
FOR BEING F*CKING TOLD.
IS THAT IT'S EGO CRUSHING.

DOES HAVING AN EGO
MAKE SOMEONE A "MAN"?

DOES ARROGANCE
MAKE SOMEONE A "MAN"?

HOW ABOUT STUPIDITY AND SELFISHNESS?
INCONSIDERATION?

DOES THAT MAKE SOMEONE A "MAN"?

Anyone who feels 'immasculated'
KNOWS THIS ON SOME LEVEL.

BUT JUST BECAUSE THE TRUTH'S COMING FROM ME,
DOESN'T MEAN IT HAS TO DO WITH ME.

Someone I was listening to said something like this:
She said: There's a difference between
HELPING SOMEONE OUT
AND TRYING TO WASH MUD OFF A PIG.
IF YOU DO, AND THEY GO RIGHT BACK
TO WALLOW IN IT, 
TRYING TO WASH IT OFF...
ONLY GETS IT ON YOU.

She was saying this because it was about
casting your pearls before swine.

GIVING THE BEST OF YOURSELF
TO THOSE WHO DON'T DESERVE IT.

There wouldn't be anything intimidating
or immasculating between two mature people
TALKING ABOUT THE TRUTH.

BECAUSE WHY?
IT'D JUST BE A CONVERSATION
ABOUT WHAT? THE TRUTH.
THAT'S IT.

And guess what? That's all it ever had to be.
Because why? Because it never had to be
ANYTHING ELSE.
JUST THAT.

All that trying to "trigger" me did
WAS LOST MY RESPECT.

THE REACTION THEY GOT
WAS ME WALKING TF AWAY.

Did they think that pushing me away
WAS GOING TO MAKE ME FIGHT HARDER
TO PROVE MYSELF?
TO BE TREATED PROPERLY?

IT DIDN'T.
IT TURNED ME OFF. 
LOST MY RESPECT.
AND MY TRUST.

What people make the mistake about
when it comes to me
IS THINKING THAT I NEED
THEIR VALIDATION. 

If I don't, why am I still talking about this?

To point things out.
To get sh*t off my chest.

Partly because I saw things
HOW I WANTED THEM TO BE.
NOT FOR HOW THEY REALLY WERE.

THAT'S PART OF THE REASON, 
I STAYED AS LONG AS I DID,
TRIED, ETC.
FOR TOO LONG.
FOR BS.

Because it could have just been simple.
Was no reason it shouldn't have been. 

BUT THERE WERE REASONS IT WASN'T. 

All I'm saying, I guess, is don't look past those reasons.
Those reasons are there for a reason. 

THEY SEEM TO THINK
THAT I'M JUST GOING TO COME RIGHT BACK.

BECAUSE WHY? I REALLY,  ACTUALLY CARED?
Yeah, I did. Which is WHY
MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME
LIKE THEY REALLY, 
ACTUALLY
CARED ABOUT ME, TOO.

Y'KNOW, not done what they did
HOW HOW THEY DID IT.

It wasn't so much what they did, 
IT WAS HOW AND WHY THEY DID IT.

And just because I DID GIVE MORE CHANCES
THAN I SHOULD HAVE, 
DOES NOT MEAN
I HAVE ANY MORE F*CKS LEFT TO GIVE. 
And doesn't mean that I NEED TO HAVE ANY MORE.


There's a difference between being patient, 
AND TOLERATING TOO MUCH SH*T.
SH*T YOU SHOULDN'T BE TOLERATING. 

And shouldn't have been expected to tolerate.
EVER.

Did I do that sh*t and expect them to tolerate it?
Would they have tolerated it?
OR WOULD THEY HAVE GONE "PSYCHO"?
LIKE THEY WANTED ME TO DO.
JUST TO SAY I WOULD?

But have I? Why haven't I?

Maybe because that's not who I am?
Haven't I been upset
WHEN UNFAIR SH*T HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

YEAH, JUST LIKE THEY'D BE. 
ESPECIALLY THINGS I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.
THINGS THEY NEVER HAD TO DO.
BUT CHOSE TO DO.

Might be able to get back to sleep, tonight.
Hopefully breaking this weird sleep routine...

It'd be nice.

Part of me wants to get to work on my stuff, 
but another part of me wants to fix my sleep schedule.

It's a toss up. Should I flip a coin?
Best 2 out of 3?

Since I'm sipping, I may as well keep writing. 
Mostly have to create the pages for the links. 

The download page to give away the PDF.

But I have to set up a better auto responder. 
To actually start a list.
A subscriber list.

It's a "process" to set up, etc.
I have to set up the first part...
To set up the next part.

Hard to explain.

But maybe a short nap won't hurt.
Then finish my drink when I wake up lol.