Sometimes It's Slow

I started on that dog site yesterday. 
I've got a plan for it, so there's that...

It was really slow to load to work on it today. 
So I started working on my download page
for my other site. 

The buttons are aligned at the bottom, 
the way I wanted it, for a while. 

It's getting done slowly. 
It sucks because sometimes it feels like it'll take forever.

It's the project that never ends. 
Seems like all my projects lol. 

Except for the ones I finish, finally.


So if I can get the autoresponder in WordPress set up, 
and I can connect my download page, 
then have that set up before Christmas, 
that'd be cool. 

Then things'll be on track. Somewhat, I guess.


-------------

I woke up around 8am today and I was confused
about the time and then I did my winter time hack thing...
If it was 8pm, it'd be dark because it gets dark by 5pm lol. 

So I got up earlier today than usual. 

Usually, it takes a while for my medication to leave my system. 
When I wake up, I'm usually out of it for a while.

Anyway, I've got to figure out what to do for a thing I want to do. 

I got a new headset thing because I needed a new microphone. 
And last time I tried it with my computer, it wasn't working. 

I just need it for screen recording videos. 

Step 1 - do this thing - type of stuff. 

Really short like 5 minute videos. 
Just a bunch of those...

I wrote PDFs and I'm going over then again, 
and edit and check the links before I can put them
on my download page.

Then I'm going to make a password protected page
For my videos. 

My idea is that I'll get them to send me an email
to ask me for access to the page
and setting up an auto response message with the password.

So when that email comes in, it's handled automagically.
Even when I'm sleeping or working on other stuff. 

Basically been my life lately. Sleeping, and working on other stuff. 

It sounds windy outside and it's cold in here.
I guess I had the heat off for a while
because when the heat is on, it can get too hot in here.

The old thermostat things, I couldn't set the temp. 
These ones, supposedly I can, 
but it bugs me trying to use the damn thing. 

So it's either off or on because that works.

THAT IS WHY I AM NOT FOR THE OFF/ON BS.
IT'S EITHER ON OR OFF. 

AND IF IT'S BEEN OFF MORE THAN ON, F*CK OFF.

IF THE INTEREST WAS THERE, IT WOULD HAVE
JUST BEEN ON - LIKE DONKEY KONG. Y'KNOW?

EASY, SIMPLE, NO BS.

PRETTY MUCH, IF YOU PUSH ME AWAY, STAY TF AWAY.
YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE IF IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU
TO BE IN MY LIFE. 

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE.

BUT MAKING THE EFFORT FOR SOMEONE
TO SHOW THEM THEY MATTER TO ME
AND JUST GET TREATED LIKE THAT...

BUT TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER....
THEN CONTINUE TO TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER...
WHY TF SHOULD I BE AROUND FOR THAT?
FOR MORE OF THAT?

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO GET ABOUT ME.
THEY SEEM TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT
BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO THINK
THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND.

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LOYAL.
TO A POINT.

EVEN F*CKING PAST A POINT.

BUT I CHOSE TO BE.
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO BE, 
FOR ME.

But another thing is that I don't have to be
in anyone's life.

FOR THEM TO EVENTUALLY SEE
THAT I WAS THERE BECAUSE WHY?
BECAUSE I F*CKING CARED.

KEEP PUSHING SOMEONE WHO CARED AWAY?
THEN YOU'LL GET SOMEONE
WHO GAVE YOU
YOUR LAST CHANCE
TO SHOW THAT YOU CARED, TOO.

AND WHO CAN YOU BLAME AT THAT POINT?
THE PERSON WHO KEPT SHOWING UP?
FOR WHO? FOR YOU?!

OR THE PERSON WHO PUSHED THEM AWAY
FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME?

THE PERSON WHO IGNORED THEM?
TREATED THEM LIKE THEY DIDN'T MATTER.

THAT NOTHING THEY EVER DID FOR WHO?!
FOR YOU?! MATTERED?!

THAT'S HOW I HAVE BEEN TREATED MY WHOLE LIFE
LIKE NOTHING I EVER DID FOR ANYONE
F*CKING MATTERED AT ALL.

THAT I, AS A PERSON, FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER, ETC
AM A PERSON, FRIEND, FAMILIY MEMBER, ETC.

THEY COULD HAVE GIVEN SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO.
BUT THEY JUST DON'T. 

That goes back to what the lady said about maybe they don't have the capacity.
To what? Show someone they matter to you?

TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY MIGHT BE UPSET
WITH THE PEOPLE WHO THEY SHOWED
THAT THEY MATTER TO HER...

BUT CAN'T DO THE SAME FOR ME?

Anyway, why should I really care about that, though?
SHOULDN'T BEING ALONE BE A BLESSING?
AROUND PEOPLE WHO DON'T TREAT YOU
LIKE YOU MATTER?

BUT... Instead of waiting for something
THAT MIGHT NEVER F*CKING HAPPEN. 
BECAUSE IF IT WAS GOING TO, IT WOULD HAVE.

TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU MATTER.

Which means, have some goals. 
In your personal life, as a person, 
not just your role of friend or family member.

BUT WHY SHOULD I KEEP BEING
THE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER
WHO GETS TREATED LIKE THEY BARELY EXIST?

That's what bothers me.
IF I'M NOT DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM, 
DO THEY EVEN TALK TO ME?


It's like they'd rather settle for BS
THAN TO JUST TREAT ME LIKE I MATTER, TOO.
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE HARD.

DON'T BE A TW@T TO ME.
IS THAT HARD?
BECAUSE IT REALLY SHOULDN'T BE.

BECAUSE I COULD BE A B*TCH TO YOU.
BUT THAT PART ONLY COMES OUT
IF YOU'RE BEING A TW@T TO ME.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE, 
WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM?

WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM BEING TREATED
LIKE I MATTER TO YOU? WHY WOULD I?
SINCE THAT'S ALL I WANTED.
FROM THE BEGINNING. 

AND KNOWING THAT
AND STILL BEING A TW@T TO ME...
JUST MAKES A TW@T A BIGGER TW@T.

AND WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

Should I really stay for that?
AND TO BE BLAMED FOR THEIR CHOICE
TO BE A TW@T.

AND THE CHOICE NOT TREAT ME
THE WAY THEY WANTED ME TO TREAT THEM
- LIKE THEY MATTER TO ME.

AND THAT'S WHY I 'JUST GAVE UP'?
I GET PUSHED AWAY
JUST FOR SOMEONE TO SAY
THAT I GAVE UP?

WHAT DID I GIVE UP ON?
EVER MATTERING TO YOU, EVER?
MAYBE I GAVE UP ON THAT.

NO. GAVE YOU WHAT YOU WANTED.

YOU WANTED TO TREAT ME
LIKE I DON'T F*CKING MATTER TO YOU
AND ACT SURPRISED THAT I'M NOT STAYING FOR THAT?!

SO IT'LL BE BACK ON WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT?
WHEN YOU FINALLY REALIZE
SOMETHING ABOUT ME.

THEN MAYBE REGRET TREATING ME
LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER...
UNTIL I DECIDED THAT MAYBE
I'M DONE BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
BY EVERYONE IN MY LIFE.

At the same time, I'm not feeling sorry for myself
that people still seem to f*cking excuse themselves
FOR TREATING ME LIKE THIS.
TO MY FACE.
THINKING THAT THEY JUST HAVE TO
GIVE IT TIME
UNTIL I STOP BEING MAD AT THEM.

NO, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCES
AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICES.

THEY ONLY EVER COME BACK
OR WANT TO COME BACK
WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT I ACTUALLY CARED.

When they finally see that the people they had around them
DIDN'T F*CKING CARE. I DID.

IF THEY EVER MISS THAT ABOUT ME.
Because people don't seem to miss me as a person, friend, family member, 
they miss what they got out of it.

THAT I ACTUALLY TRIED, 
THAT I WAS THERE WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE,
I COULD HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE ELSE, 
DOING WHATEVER ELSE, 
BUT WHAT?! I WANTED TO BE THERE?!
WITH THEM?! JUST THEM?!
GIVING ALL MY ATTENTION?!
POURING WHAT I CAN INTO PEOPLE
WHO EXPECT IT FROM ME
BUT DON'T GIVE IT BACK.

Like one guy who was into me because we had an arrangement.
Which was a stupid arrangement, but it was what it was.

He was into feet (probably still is), 
but when we'd talk, it was mostly about that.

"I miss your feet."
HE DIDN'T SAY HE MISSED ME.
I WAS LIKE A PAIR OF FEET TO HIM. 

THAT'S WHEN I CALLED THAT OFF. 

I WAS ONLY WHATEVER TO WHOEVER.
THAT'S ALL I WAS.

A PLACE TO STAY, A PERSON TO TALK TO, 
A PERSON TO LISTEN, OR WHATEVER
THEY WERE LITERALLY USING ME FOR.

BUT WHEN DID THEY EVER SEE ME FOR ME?
DIDN'T EVER, TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

LIKE I WAS ONLY WHATEVER.

SOME MEANS TO AN END.
TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.
TO HAVE SOMETHING FROM ME.
OR ELSE WHY HAVE ME AROUND?

Even my so-called best friend ignored me to my face.
Invited a bunch of people over
gave them all his attention
AND F*CKING FORGOT I WAS THERE.
HE LITERALLY DID 
BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE DID.
NICE, EH?

DIDN'T FORGET I WAS THERE
WHEN HE WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME.
AND EXPECTED ME TO SAY YES.
AND PUT ME IN A SPOT WHERE I HAD TO
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE
ANYONE ELSE...

ANYONE ELSE?
YOU MEAN THE PEOPLE WHO GOT TREATED
LIKE THEY MATTER TO YOU?
NOBODY ELSE?

Or what? Because pretty sure the people
WHO YOU TREATED LIKE THEY MATTER TO YOU
DON'T TREAT YOU LIKE YOU MATTER TO THEM...

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO TREAT ME
AS THOUGH I DON'T MATTER?

That's what p*sses me off, too. 
BEING TREATED WORSE THAN THE PEOPLE
WHO TREAT THEM LIKE THEY DON'T MATTER.

That probably p*sses me off the most, actually.

BECAUSE IF I AM SHOWING UP AND PUTTING IN THE EFFORT
TO SHOW YOU THAT YOU MATTER TO ME
AND I GET IGNORED FOR PEOPLE
WHO LITERALLY COULDN'T GIVE 2 F*CKS
OR THEY WOULD BE THERE FOR YOU.
BUT ARE THEY? HAVE THEY EVER BEEN?

OR WERE THEY BEING SH*TTY TO YOU?

SO WHY AM I TREATED LIKE THAT?
AND EXPECTED TO KEEP BEING THE GOOD
FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER, ETC?

One day they might see my worth?
When they miss me because I used to xyz FOR THEM. 
OR I WAS XYZ TO THEM.

AND THEY HAD NOBODY ELSE.
EXCEPT THE PEOPLE THEY IGNORED ME FOR.

BUT THEY COULDN'T BE BOTHERED.


I'm just making the point that if YOU push someone away
WHO SHOWED UP FOR YOU
TOOK CARE OF YOU IN SOME WAY
WANTED TO BE THERE FOR YOU
TRUSTED YOU...

TRUSTED YOU TO STOP PUSHING THEM AWAY
AND FINALLY TREAT YOU LIKE YOU MATTER TO THEM...

If YOU do it. AND YOU DO IT ENOUGH TIMES.
THAT THE PERSON STOPS WAITING FOR YOU
TO FINALLY SHOW YOU THAT YOU MATTER TO THEM
THEY WON'T BE WAITING FOR YOU
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.

THEY WON'T BE.
BECAUSE WHEN THEY WERE THERE, WAITING.
JUST TO BE SHOWN THAT THEY MATTER TO YOU...
AND YOU WERE DOING EVERYTHING BUT THAT...

WHY SHOULD THEY WANT TO WAIT?
WHY SHOULD THEY WAIT FOR THAT?

COMING FROM SOMEONE
WHO SPENT THEIR WHOLE F*CKING LIFE
WAITING FOR THAT!!!!

JUST THAT!!!!
And yeah it f*cking bothers me.

BECAUSE THEY ALL F*CKING KNOW IT.
AND THEY KEEP ME WAITING
INTENTIONALLY.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY BE BOTHERED?
FOR ME?

Anyway, enough of getting it off my chest.
I JUST GET SO MAD
WHEN PEOPLE KNEW WHAT I WANTED
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME.

And it's not that I do anything for anyone
for the recognition OF WHY I'M EVEN DOING IT.
FOR WHO?! FOR THEM.

What I'm saying is that some recognition
might lean towards treating me like I matter.

But I will not beg to be treated like I matter.
If I don't matter to you, you can go live your life
BUT YOU CAN'T RETURN TO ME
TO GET OR HAVE ANYTHING FROM ME.

BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE SIMPLY
TREATED ME LIKE I MATTERED TO YOU, 
BUT YOU WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO SHOW ME THAT I DON'T. 

MORE THAN ONCE.

And speaking from experience, 
LET THEM ONLY SHOW YOU ONCE.

BECAUSE IF YOU KEEP GIVING THEM CHANCES
TO F*CKING CHANGE, 
LIKELIHOOD THEY PROBABLY WON'T. 

BUT REALLY, IF THEY CAN'T SEE
WHAT THEY HAVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM., 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE.

I stayed for years showing people they mattered to me.
Showing them that I care about them. 
Doing things for who?! For them!

Only for the exact same sh*t. 
To just get dismissed.

Well, made my life easier.
Dismiss me until you miss me, 
but keep missing me.

BECAUSE YOU'LL ONLY EVER MISS
LITTLE THINGS I DID.
FOR WHO?! FOR YOU!

THAT'S WHAT THEY WILL MISS.
WHY? BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE IS.

BECAUSE WHY?
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T ME.

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
FOR REPLACING ME
LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER.

BECAUSE THERE WAS A REASON
I EVEN TRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW THAT REASON, 
THEY NEVER KNEW ME AT ALL. 

But no, just the little things I did, or what you got
from having me around, or whatever it was.

THEY ONLY KNOW ME FOR THOSE THINGS.
BUT FEW CAN SAY THEY EVEN KNOW ME.

WHAT DID THEY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME?
OTHER THAN TRY TO DIG DIRT?

DID THEY UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS UPSET?
THOSE THINGS I JUST EXPLAINED?

Did they even try to understand that?

MAYBE THAT REQUIRED LISTENING. 
TO THINGS THAT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.
BECAUSE IT PROBABLY
P*SSES OTHER PEOPLE OFF, TOO. 

But yeah, isn't that disappointing?
WHEN YOU GIVE SOMEONE THE CHANCE, AT ALL.
to do what they could have done.

BUT NOTICE ALL TF YOU WANT WHEN I WITHDRAW.
EVERYTHING I WAS GIVING, BEING, DOING ETC.
AND TAKE IT ALL AWAY...

NOTICE THAT, MORE THAN YOU NOTICED
WHY I WAS EVEN THERE, AT ALL. 

It bothers me to be put through so much BS
AND I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL PEOPLE MISS ME
FOR THEM TO REALIZE ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
BUT NOT MISS ME, THOUGH, 
JUST MISS WHAT I WAS DOING...

That I didn't have to do.

BUT WHAT ELSE DID I WANT?
OTHER THAN TO BE TREATED LIKE I MATTER?

JUST THE REALIZATION OF WHY
I EVER DID ANYTHING.

WHAT WAS I TRYING TO GET? ANYTHING?

BUT MAY AS WELL TREAT ME LIKE I WAS...
TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER SO MAY AS WELL
ADD WHATEVER ELSE ON ME.

Like I did xzy, and abc, and def etc
ALL BECAUSE YOU ASSUMED I EVEN WOULD...
NEVER ASKED ME IF I DID.

Tired of having to prove myself constantly.
So tired that I stopped doing it.

I guess I was trying to prove it by being generous with my time.
Trying to show them I was there, at all. 
Listening, etc. 

Only for people to push me away and blame me
FOR ALL THE SH*T THEY CHOSE TO DO. 

But they push me away AND EXPECT ME
TO JUST WAIT UNTIL THEY WANT TO TALK.
OR THEY NEED SOMETHING.
OR THEY MISS HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN.

OR THEY REALIZE IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER
HAD THEY TREATED ME BETTER.

IF THEY HADN'T CHOSEN TO WHAT?
SMASH MY MIRROR?
PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD?
DISMISS ME?
IGNORE ME?
REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME?

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO STILL BE THERE?
BECAUSE WHY?

BECAUSE I'M ONLY BENEFITING THEM.
NOT MYSELF.

AND THAT'S WHAT THEY MISS.
THE BENEFITS. NOT ME AS A PERSON. 
OR THEY WOULD HAVE WHAT?
RESPECTED ME AS A PERSON?

A PERSON WHO WANTED TO BE IN THEIR LIFE.
THEY'D PROBABLY BE P*SSED TOO.

But why be p*ssed anymore?
That was my choice. To just want that.
And try for that.
Because if I didn't try
I wouldn't have that, right?

BUT WHY DO PEOPLE GET THAT?
TREATED LIKE THEY MATTER?
WITHOUT HAVING TO F*CKING PUT
SO MUCH DAMN TIME AND EFFORT IN
FOR A BROKEN MIRROR?
A PUNCH IN THE HEAD?
A THERMOS OF P*SS?

FIGURATIVE SLAPS IN THE FACE....

WITHOUT ANY OF THAT, 
THEY JUST GET TREATED LIKE THEY MATTER.
PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY DO?

AND HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THAT?
NOT SURE HOW THAT'S SUPPOSED TO FEEL.