Instead Of Doing That

Still finding it hard to believe I've been blogging
for 20 years, half my life...
Or that I'd live in one place for half my life...

Not sure what I thought my life would look like
at my age...

Probably thought I'd be married by now...

Thought some stuff would have been better, over all. 
At least I'm not still drinking
or acting in ways I used to act, 
or thinking in ways I used to think, 
or feeling some ways I used to feel.

That's more than I thought, though.
Why'd it take 20 years to get there, though?

Maybe because I wasn't putting in the effort.
I didn't want to look at things, really looking at things.
Things about myself. 

I didn't want to pull my own head out of my @ss.
It was hard, at times. 
Catching myself. 
Asking myself "Wtf are you doing?"
Asking myself "Why tf are you doing that?"

But catching myself at the thought of that...
INSTEAD OF DOING IT.

And the more we catch ourselves at the thought of it
INSTEAD OF DOING IT, 

THE EASIER IT GETS
AND YOU DON'T DO IT.

THE THINGS WE DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO DO.
NO MATTER HOW WE FEEL, AT THE TIME.


Someone said something to me, once, 
it stuck with me, but I don't know how to feel about it.

He said "He chose a level of hormones over you."
not sure if that was supposed to help me feel better lol. 

Sometimes I try to say to myself that they never really knew me.
If they did, WOULD THEY HAVE TREATED ME
THE WAY THEY DID?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I DON'T OR RARELY TRY
TO LET ANYONE KNOW ME.

Because why should I? Are they trying to know me?
If they wanted to, they would reach out. 

FAMILY ESPECIALLY.

"Hey, friend."
"Hey, cousin."
"Hey, niece."
"Hey, daughter."
"Hey, sister."
"Hey, mom."

"Hey, A***."
"How are you doing?"

BUT I BLOG, I JOKE, I STUDY, I READ, 
I CODE, I KNIT, I CROCHET, 

I TRY TO KEEP MYSELF BUSY.
SO THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO SAYS HEY AND WHO DOESN'T.

Someone said something to me, once.
I was saying how my Grandmother felt hurt and sad
that her grandchildren weren't reaching out, much, if at all. 

ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO FEEL LOVED.
THAT'S IT. I UNDERSTOOD.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I WANTED, TOO.

Anyway, it sucks that I can't just pick up the phone
and give her a call. 
AND TALK WITH HER ABOUT HER DAY.

ANYWAY, what the lady said to saying that
I couldn't understand why they just wouldn't.

It's not that hard to do, for your GRANDMOTHER
WHO JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED.
JUST LIKE YOU DO.

She said that maybe they don't have the capacity
TO BE THE PERSON WHO WOULD.

I never thought about it like that, 
but what she said made some sense.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS REALLY HARD
HAVING HER CRY TO ME ABOUT IT
FEELING HEART BROKEN ALL THE TIME...

SAYING: "I don't know what I'd do without you."

SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER LOVED ME.
AND ONE DEAR FRIEND. 

Without that, in my life, It's easy for me to think
THAT I COULD HAVE TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY.

Honestly, it hurt me more to disappoint her
than it probably hurt her to be disappointed by me.

I'D ALWAYS ASK HER: "ARE YOU MAD AT ME?"
SHE WOULD SAY: "I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU."

THAT WAS ALWAYS WORSE THAN HER BEING MAD.
BECAUSE IF SHE WAS MAD, 
SHE'D BE MAD UNTIL SHE WASN'T...
ANYMORE...

BUT DISAPPOINTING HER...
THAT HITS DIFFERENT.

And yeah, I've been angry, 
but also disappointed

IN PEOPLE WHO KNEW BETTER NOT TO.
BETTER THAN NOT TO XYZ...

DISAPPOINTED.

like how they couldn't just do
the same for me.
Not even in return. 
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.

JUST LIKE I WANTED TO.

But being disappointed, constantly, 
BY BEING TREATED LIKE GARBAGE...

HITS DIFFERENT TOO.
BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD TO.


Anyway, I want to say that I have a good feeling about next year.
But I also feel like I should say that tentatively lol. 

That part of me that wants to be optimistic, wants to be optimistic,
but that part of me that knows there's stuff I don't know...
Going on and all kinds of things can happen. 

But good things can happen, too. 

Like being impressed lol. 
By maturity, equal "playing field"
Simplicity.
Harmony, even.

Wouldn't that be a nice change?
Just how easy it could be and should be.
No more could've/should've.

Just because I just wanted that.
And why couldn't I just have that? I don't know.
But why should that matter? 

Should it have mattered, as much as it did?
Why did it matter as much as it did?

Because it could be simple.
It could have just been simple.

DIDN'T HAVE TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO DO XYZ.

I mean, I could be depressed about it, forever, 
and sulk about it lol. 

I did enough of all of that and can just say:
I'm disappointed. 

Someone said something to me, once.
He said "Nobody owes us our desired outcome."

It's true, they don't, and we can't expect them
to be about our desired outcome.

But I'd like to think they could do the same for me in return. 
Like not expect me to put up with their sh*t.
If I was about all kinds of BS, I can't expect them to put up with it.

Or keep putting up with it.

but when they get called tf out for it, 
they try to deny and deflect or project
or they try to run from it.

Like people being angry at me
FOR BEING P*SSED AT THEM
FOR A REASON
AND IGNORING THE REASON ENTIRELY
TO TRY TO PUT IT ON ME.

Like I am sure people would rather think
THAT I NEVER CARED
THAN TO ADMIT THEY PUSHED ME TO A POINT
BY GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO DO SOMETHING
THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE TO THEM. 

THAT THEY TOOK ME FOR GRANTED.

AND I KEPT GIVING CHANCES
TO AT LEAST NOT DO THAT.

Anyway, I'm sorry I keep writing about it.
It's just been really bothering me, a lot. 

THAT bothers me more than being single.
But let them think what they think. 
About why I'm single. Dgaf what they think.

At least I'm not still putting up with this sh*t.

I gave chances, did I not? More than once?
Did I have to keep giving chances?
Let alone even ONE chance?

No. I didn't have to.
Never had to.

What I actually needed was to give myself chances.
And actually take a chance.

TO DO SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO DO.
WITH OR WITHOUT WHOEVER.

ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTED
TO BE THERE
WOULD ACT LIKE IT.

AND THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD.
ANYONE MAKING THAT A HUGE HASSLE:
ACTING LIKE THEY ACTUALLY WANTED TO BE THERE...

DOESN'T NEED FOR YOU TO BE THERE.

BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE A HASSLE.

TO BE TREATED LIKE YOU'RE THERE
BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE
NOT BECAUSE YOU HAD TO BE.

Shouldn't be a hassle to be treated like that.
Anyone treating you like it's the biggest hassle
in the world to treat you

LIKE YOU'RE THERE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE
NOT BECAUSE YOU F*CKING WANT ANYTHING FROM THEM
JUST WANT THEM TO GET THEIR HEAD OUT THEIR OWN @SS...

Shouldn't get to have you wanting to be there.
Especially not for it to be the biggest hassle in the world.

IT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A HASSLE. AT ALL.
LET ALONE THE BIGGEST?

That's how I feel about it...

But also, some people have their heads so far
up their own @ss that they don't realize
it's even up there...

Maybe they do? But don't want to see it?
Or admit it?

It's hard to admit. A younger version of myself
wouldn't have admitted a lot of the things that I can admit.
Because why would I?

Why would I want to admit that about myself?
Why would I want people to pick me apart for it?

That's why most people won't admit certain things
about themselves.

About how they acted and why.
How they did whatever and try to justify it.

It's not enough they try to justify it, 
it's that they thought they were justified
in justifying it.

Like the war. 
Like all kinds of things.
Even how we choose to act.
Even how we choose to think.
Even how we choose to be.

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE RETALIATED.
DID I RETALIATE?

I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.
BECAUSE I'M NOT JUST GOING TO TAKE THAT.
WHY WOULD THEY EXPECT ME TO?
I CAN'T EXPECT THEM TO.

I WOULD BE LYING TO MYSELF
IF I EXPECTED THEM TO.

BUT IF I DID RETALIATE
EVERYONE WHO LIED ABOUT ME
COULD JUST SAY "SEE?"

SEE HOW "CRAZY" SHE IS?
I TOLD YOU!

JUST TO HIDE THE LIES THEY TOLD.

AND IF I DID THIS SH*T TO THEM?

LIKE MY BROTHER USING MY PHONE
IN MY HOUSE TO CALL OUR MOM
TO B*TCH TO HER ABOUT ME FFS.

CAN'T BE THANKFUL YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE?
THAT I LET YOU USE MY PHONE?

BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO LET MY BROTHER STAY WITH ME.
YET AGAIN. AFTER WHAT HE DID.

IT WASN'T REALLY THAT BAD, 
BUT IT WAS F*CKING SELFISH AF.

IT WAS CHRISTMAS TIME, YEARS AGO.
HE DECIDED TO STAY AT MY PLACE
INSTEAD OF JOINING OUR FOLKS
AT THE CHRISTMAS FAMILY THING.

I HAD ONE JOINT LEFT, SAVED FOR BOTH OF US
FOR WHEN I GOT HOME.

HE F*CKING COULDN'T JUST WAIT
FOR ME TO GET BACK.
HE JUST SMOKED IT HIMSELF. FFS.

HE TOLD MY MOM FIRST FOR HER TO TELL ME
BECAUSE HE KNEW I'D BE P*SSED OFF.

BECAUSE ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS WAIT. 


Like that test when you give a kid a treat and you tell the kid
that the treat is for them, but they can only eat it
when you come back 
and you wait to see if the kid eats it
or waits for you to come back to eat it.

Marshmallow test or something like that.

BECAUSE YES IT WAS FOR HIM TOO, 
BUT IT WAS FOR US BOTH
AND HE COULD HAVE JUST WAITED
FOR ME TO GET BACK.

AND HE KNEW I'D BE P*SSED OFF
SO HE TELLS OUR MOM TO TELL ME.

SO THAT I WOULD KNOW
THAT THERE WAS NO JOINT
TO COME HOME TO FFS.

BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE SELFISH. 


People doing all kinds of things knowing
THAT IT'D P*SS ME OFF.

LIKE SMASHING MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER'S MIRROR.
LIKE PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD.
LIKE LYING ABOUT ME.
LIKE READING MY CONVERSATIONS.
LIKE TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

A WHOLE BUNCH OF BS...

BUT WHAT KIND OF P*SSES ME OFF
EVEN MORE THAN THE THING THAT P*SSED ME OFF
IS THAT THEY KNEW THAT IT WOULD.

AND THEN TRYING TO ACT SURPRISED.

LIKE THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'D BE P*SSED.
"SHE MUST BE CRAZY! ALWAYS ANGRY FOR NO REASON!"

BECAUSE "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"
WHY WOULD I BE P*SSED THEN?

But do I expect them to ever say to me:
"I realize I did these things wrong."
"It wasn't you, it was me."
"I shouldn't have f*cked up."

No. BECAUSE THEY WON'T.

THEY'D RATHER SAY ANYTHING
OTHER THAN ADMIT
THERE WERE THINGS THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE.
THEY KNEW IT'D P*SS ME OFF.
THAT THEY F*CKED UP.

Take it from someone everyone seemed to love to gaslight.
FOR F*CKING YEARS.

By the time they realize they f*cked up, 
it'll be too late.

Take it from someone who f*cked up, a lot, 
and it's been too late a long time ago.

But yeah, it mostly p*ssed me off
That they'd rather do/say whatever else
other than to admit those things.

AND ACTING LIKE IT WAS THE BIGGEST HASSLE
JUST TO TREAT ME LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE.
AND DIDN'T F*CKING HAVE TO BE.

I COULD HAVE MADE IT A HUGE HASSLE FOR THEM.
BUT DID I DO THAT?

NO? BECAUSE WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

SO WHY DO THAT SH*T TO ME?

TO GET SOMETHING FROM DOING IT?
OR OTHERWISE, WHY WOULD IT BE "WORTH DOING"?

Okay, that probably p*ssed me off the most.

I give them the choice, because it is their choice.
And if they want to choose that, they can't wait like 5 years
and be all like "I'm sorry for (whatever)."

SOME GUY REACHED OUT TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING.
AND I WAS HELPING HIM WITH SOMETHING.

HE HAD TAKEN ME ON ONE DATE
THEN GOT MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

HE SAID TO ME:
"YOU'RE NICE. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE STOPPED TALKING."

COULD IT BE BECAUSE YOU NEVER ASKED ME OUT AGAIN?
COULD IT BE BECAUSE YOU STOPPED TALKING TO ME?
BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO DATE SOMEONE ELSE?

COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT?

AND YOU COULDN'T EVEN BE HONEST ABOUT IT?

Sometimes guys choose a girl who's easier to manipulate.
OVER THE GIRL WHO REFUSES TO BE MAMIPULATED.
AND REQUIRES TO BE TREATED

AS THOUGH SHE WANTS TO BE THERE.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THERE.

BECAUSE TREATING HER LIKE THAT
SHOULDN'T BE A HASSLE, RIGHT?

Sometimes the guy chooses the girl
who doesn't require it.

"No batteries required"
Why would they want to "charge it up"?
THEY'D RATHER HAVE THEIR PHONE CHARGED.

THE GIRLS WHO REQUIRE IT:
AT THE VERY LEAST:
KNOW THAT IT SHOULDN'T BE A HASSLE
AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE TREATED
AS THOUGH IT IS.

And I'm only talking about bare basic respect. 
Because, seriously, I never really asked for a lot.

It grills me seeing or hearing how other females behave.
They have the (whatever they wanted) and still have
meltdowns. 

Adults!

How some act when they get caught cheating.
Realizing they just lost all they took for granted.

"Please don't leave me!"
B*tch please! 
Wasn't thinking about that when you did xyz?

Or just did it anyway?

But how they act when they can't get what they want....
How they act when they think you owe them something...
How they act when you do owe them something... 
How they act when you make your own choices...
How they act when you don't let them control you...

You can learn some things about how people act.
And about how people react.

I mean, am I owed the same respect I give?
THE RESPECT NOT TO DO XYZ?

or what even is that?
What's that supposed to look like?