In The Hopes

I'm starting to think it could be the seasonal blahs. 
Winter, not a fan of it.

CHRISTMAS... It makes me think about how it used to be.
Of how it should be, but isn't. At least not for me.

At least it will be over soon and then it's just whatever else.

For 2025, I do want to make some changes.
Like not letting people come in and out of me life.
And definitely not come back
just to ask me for something.
Or expect anything from me.

IF THEY WANTED TO BE IN MY LIFE, 
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN, 
BUT WHAT DID THEY DO?
THEY CHOSE THAT.

Everyone can choose what they want to. 
It's not about that, it's that
AFTER CHOOSING THAT, 
THEY WANT TO TRY TO COME BACK?
LIKE WHAT? NOTHING HAPPENED?

AND 'NEVER TALK ABOUT IT.'
never talk about what they even did
OR THE FACT THEY PUSHED YOU
TO WALK AWAY.

But they want to be back in my life because they miss me?
No, if they valued me, 
they wouldn't have treated me like that.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THAT.
ANYONE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO WALK AWAY
DOESN'T GET TREATED LIKE THAT.

But the second that you walk away
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT

That's you just 'giving up'?
"you're not being a good friend to ME anymore."
"you're not doing all that stuff for ME anymore."
"you're not giving ME everything anymore."

I'M NOT WHY? BECAUSE I STOPPED WHY?
But they only tell anyone that I stopped. 
And I'm xyz for stopping. 

I never "cared" or why would I "stop." Right?
MUST BE BECAUSE I NEVER CARED...

COULDN'T BE THE REASON I MENTIONED?
that they don't treat everyone else
WHO THEY DON'T WANT TO WALK AWAY
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.

They don't treat them like they're only there
TO F*CKING DO THINGS FOR THEM. 

TO DO SOMETHING NICE BECAUSE I WANT TO
IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING
THAN TO BE EXPECTED TO.

OR CONSTANTLY ASKED TO.
AND JUST IGNORE ANYTHING I ASK...

BECAUSE IF YOU DO, I'LL STOP ASKING, RIGHT?
BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYONE OWE ME?
FOR THINGS I DID FOR THEM?

shouldn't I be allowed to ask, if they are?
AND WHAT DID I EVER EVEN ASK FOR? EVER?

For them to call me? Talk to me?
SHOW ME THAT I MATTER TO THEM?

WHY AM I EVEN HAVING TO?
Aren't I a friend? A family member?

Why should I have to be all like:
"Hey, family, please show me I matter to you."?

Anyway, that's why I'm tired.
NOT WANTING TO ASK FOR
LET ALONE KEEP ASKING FOR THINGS
THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK FOR
OR EVEN WANT.

I'm not asking for the newest most expensive whatever tf.
It doesn't bother me as much that people ask for it, 
get it, and don't appreciate it
EVEN WHEN THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT...

It just bothers me that the very f*cking least
is showing someone they matter to you.

AND WHEN I DO, 
I GET A FIGUATIVE SLAP IN THE FACE FOR IT.

But I still try in the hopes?