Lap Projects

The thing about making blankets is that you can
just put it on your lap while you work on it.

It's not as cold in here, as it was.
Apparently, I didn't have the heat turned on.
That would explain why it was so cold in here.

I decided that I can make a "long" blanket
by joining the blocks and just putting a border
around them when they are joined. 

I have enough beige for that, in that bag...
I'm going to save the Eatons bag and the Eatons label, 
from the wool lol. 

The other thing I thought of doing
is one corner is a block of squares
and the other corner on that side is a block of beige.
Same for the other side.

Kind of checkered.

Instead of that, I can just put the block
of squares side by side, 
and use the beige around the blocks. 

I'm meeting with the group today.
That'll be nice. To have a cup of tea, etc.

We're supposed to split the group. 
So we'll see how that goes.

The post I wrote about when I found that guy, 
the guy and I found the guy who had overdosed...

After that, I was saying something about letting things
just play out. 

That wasn't about overdosing. 
It was about the lying and lies
AND BELIEVING THE LIES.

And letting it play out for people 
who lied and who believed it lol. 

AND IT'S NOT UP TO ME
TO CLEAR THAT UP FOR MYSELF. 

BECAUSE I SPEAK FOR MYSELF. 
THEY CAN TRY TO SPEAK FOR ME, 

BUT HOW CAN ANYONE SPEAK FOR ME
WHEN THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME?

So anyone saying anything about me?

That's what I meant when I was writing about it.

About letting the lies play out for the liars.
They can't defend themselves from lies
with other lies. 

Maybe part of me wants to think
that when some people are ready
to pull their own head out of their own @ss, 
THEY WILL. 

But, if they do, 
LET THEM DO IT ON THEIR OWN.

BECAUSE: DID YOU TRY TO HELP THEM?
DID YOU TRY TO WARN THEM?
DID YOU TELL THEM THE TRUTH?

DID THEY LISTEN? NO?
THEN THE REST IS ALL THEM.

When the REASON they didn't listen
IS A BS FALSE IMAGE
CREATED BY SOMEONE
FOR A SPECIFIC REASON...

Isn't THAT some BS?

BUT CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
IF THEY JUST... PARTICIPATED IN THAT?

And what would it MATTER IF YOU DID SAY SOMETHING?
DOES IT CHANGE THE NARRATIVE
ONCE AND FOR ALL?

In a perfect world, it would make all the difference, right?

If you spoke the truth of a situation?
That should make a difference, right?

BUT WHY LISTEN TO THE CRAZY "PSYCHO"?

If I was really a "psycho" you'd think I'd act on it?
Like "lose" alllllllll "control" of myself... LOL.
I would have, because... 
That's what they do?
With zero regard for anything or anyone?
Even themselves?

I'd act like that OF "model" having meltdowns etc.
DO I ACT LIKE THAT? NO?
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO.

But that's what someone wants me to look like?
If anything, I'm a threat to their ego. 

BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT
I DON'T HAVE TO.

Or I would? Would have? Did I?
When I had the chance to do "something psycho" lol
When I could have given myself any "excuse"
to "lose control" over myself lol.

That's the kind of bs. 

But also, why should I "defend" my "reputation"?
Constantly?

Does anyone really want to do that?
Let alone keep having to do that?

Or having to explain why you're even upset.

BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT TO
JUST LISTEN.  Or see it.

So why should I even bother with that bs?


What bothered me, is that it was preventing
any kind of plans for business in that avenue, 
had I gone that avenue, 
Oh wait! Bs!

That prevents business, and otherwise. 
Unfortunately.

That still sticks in my mind...
I went to a tech night thing. 
And there was a guy there, I took his card. 
He spoke a bit about his biz
where he was doing kiosks in malls. 

I introduced him to a guy who might be able
to help him get other contracts
because the idea came to mind. 

When I have an idea, like introducing people...
I feel like I need to try to facilitate that.

Because there's a reason that idea came to be, right?
Or the thought wouldn't have occurred?

Anyway, so I did that and it was only that.

And the guy took it like I was trying to come onto him. 
Which I wasn't. 

I DON'T KNOW WHY, but it bugged me so much
THAT HE EVEN THOUGHT THAT
ABOUT ME, 
ASSUMED.
THAT I STOPPED CONTACTING HIM. 

It's that people who assume, are more likely
to just go with someone else's narrative
if they kept trying to get them to.

INSTEAD OF NOT TRYING TO DO THAT.
INSTEAD OF ASSUMING.

Because what if that was all it was. 
Just someone who had an idea.

NO REASON BEHIND IT
THAT I COULD "RATIONALLY" EXPLAIN
TO SOMEONE WHO ASSUMED
THAT I WANTED TO INTRODUCE HIM
TO SOMEONE
BECAUSE I "LIKE THEM LIKE THAT"?

Or could it just have been:
"Introduce this guy to this guy. 
(guy 1) has a business that could design something
cool for (guy 2's) thing."

But how does THAT get turned into
"I'm not looking for anything romantic"

WTF? DID I SAY THAT I WAS?

That's what bothers me, too. 
If that's what my aim was, WHICH IT WASN'T, 
I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING
BEFORE I EVEN DID THAT.

Because why not be direct? 
Maybe I wasn't direct with my intentions.

I went to a dang tech thing and thought I'd introduce
two dudes and because I'm a female they assume?

It was just pretty disappointing, for me.

But people think that because I'm a female, 
I HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES OR SOMETHING?

If I was a dude, he wouldn't have assumed that about me. 

That's the kind of bs.


We could have talked business, tech, etc.
BUT HE ASSUMED THAT INSTEAD.

And what everyone else has been "saying"
SINCE THEY KNOW ME SO WELL LOL. 

It bothers me that some guys assume that about me.
They don't ask me, they just assume.

Like one time, I was being introduced
to a friend of a friend by a friend.

The friend of the friend
assumed I was with the friend
who was introducing me to him, 

WHICH I WASN'T. AND HE DIDN'T ASK.
THEN HE TOLD SOMEONE
THAT I WAS WITH MY FRIEND
BECAUSE HE ASSUMED IT
AND DIDN'T ASK.

AND THE PERSON WHO WAS TOLD THAT
ASSUMED IT WAS TRUE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WAS TOLD.
BUT DID ANYONE ASK?

So maybe they should have what? ASKED!
VERSUS WHAT? ASSUMED!

ABOUT WHO? ME!

And what if I assumed that about them?
Shouldn't I ask? If I don't know?
Instead of assume?


Stuff like that... Just ask.
THEN YOU CAN HAVE A PROPER CONVERSATION
ABOUT IT
WITH THE ONE YOU ARE ASKING.
AND THEN YOU WILL KNOW!

It's really not that hard, but you know what?
IT SEEMS THEY'D RATHER ASSUME.
PRETTY DISAPPOINTING.

They'll go as far as to assume your INTELLIGENCE.
ISN'T THAT INSULTING?

That's why I HAVE NO PROBLEM
LOSING ANYONE WHO'LL JUST ASSUME
WHATEVER ABOUT ME...

But they seek me out? Sometimes?
WHEN THEY REALIZE I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH
AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO DID?

And when they actually listen to me
maybe some of the things I want to say
actually makes sense...

BUT OF COURSE I DON'T MAKE SENSE
IF YOU'RE REFUSING TO F*CKING LISTEN. 

Y'know?



So then, AFTER THAT BS....
WHY WOULD I CONTINUE PAST THAT?

WHY WOULD THE "CRAZY" GIRL MAKE ANY SENSE?
THEN ASK SOMEONE ELSE
IF IT MAKES SENSE?

WHEN THEY WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME
THE WAY THEY WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME?


WHY ask THEM if what I'm saying makes sense? LOL.
But it doesn't if THEY say it doesn't?

Stuff like that.


It's stuff like that.... That makes me just want to...
Put the effort into my goals.

Whether it's writing, knitting, reading, learning, etc.
Having time to myself to think for myself. 

I had people trying to tell me how I should look at things.
According to how they do.

I already know that they do and do that.
That's why IT'S STILL UP TO ME
TO JUST ASK.
Y'KNOW? FOR MYSELF?

AND STILL UP TO ME
TO THINK FOR MYSELF.

I DON'T HAVE TO THINK LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE.

Because of that, I don't have to be like
everyone else.

But it seems to make people want to try
to make me a seem a way that I'm not.

And so easy for everyone to just assume that I am. 
Without asking me anything.

But I heard it put this way:
IF PEOPLE WHO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
ABOUT YOUR INTELLIGENCE
ARE WRONG, 
IT'S A BLESSING BECAUSE IF THEY KNEW
THE TRUTH, 
YOU'D BE A THREAT.

Kind of like they don't want you to be doing
BETTER THAN THEY ARE
LIKE TRYING TO KEEP IT HIDDEN
THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY DO GOOD.

TO PEOPLE THEY DON'T WANT
TO SEE YOU DO GOOD.

BECAUSE THAT'D MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD
AND SEEM GOOD
AND WHO WANTS THAT?