Cheese Things

The knitting meeting went well. We have 2 new members.
Next time, we're having a potluck thing. 
I guess before our holiday break. 

The lady who hosted the meeting made cheese things.
Maybe I'll ask her how she made those. 

The last time we had one, most of us brought desserts.
There were two people who brought salads.

Last time, I brought pie.

We're going to have to see how many show up for it.

We were talking about splitting the group. 
It'd make sense to split by location. 
They were saying that they'd split it from
The areas we live in. 

So we left it as it is, for now. 
We were saying that 10 - 15 is pushing it, 
and we've got around 20.
Not everyone shows up. 
And they have their reasons for being away.

Also some new people come for a couple of meetings, 
and they change their minds. 

Anyway, the leader of the group
said she met with a student who was just LEARNING
to knit and the way she was telling me
HOW SHE JUDGED WHATEVER SHE HAD MADE...
"It was a mess! I couldn't take it for donations...."

The first thing I ever made is a scarf.
I didn't keep it. I actually took it apart. 

My first scarf had "holes" in it
because I accidentally dropped stitches etc. 

PLUS, I WAS 8 YEARS OLD.

But I know how disheartening it would have been 
FOR ME, TO BE JUDGED LIKE THAT.

She could have just taken it, to donate
EVEN IF SHE WASN'T GOING TO DONATE IT.
JUST SO THAT SHE WOULDN'T MAKE
THE STUDENT FEEL BAD
ABOUT THE "MESS" SHE HAD "MADE."

AND THE FACT SHE DIDN'T SEE THAT...
THAT BOTHERED ME.

Because how would she have FELT?
WHAT WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN LIKE
FOR HER?


THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME ABOUT SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!
HOW WOULD THEY HAVE FELT?!!!???!!!

It's not like we're getting paid to make the things
THAT WE ARE DONATING
FOR HER GROUP....

FOR CHARITY....

But that BOTHERED me.
And you can't TELL THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE
THAT WHAT THEY DID IS BS.
BECAUSE HOW DARE I TELL IT AS IT IS.

BECAUSE THAT KIND OF THING
IS SOMETHING THAT STICKS WITH THEM. 
THEY DON'T FORGET HOW SOMEONE MADE THEM FEEL.

EVEN THOUGH WE GET TO FEEL HOW WE CHOOSE TO, 
BUT... IT'S DISHEARTENING. 

AND IT'S THE TYPE OF THING
THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO STRAIGHT UP - GIVE UP.
K'KNOW?!

That's not a good LEADER.
LEADERS INSPIRE, SUPPORT, ETC.

NOT TELL YOU HOW BAD YOU'RE DOING...

Telling you how bad you're doing
is to burst your bubble, intentionally. 

IF IT'S A COSTLY MISTAKE, 
THEN IT'S APPROPRIATE.

BUT WHEN IT'S SOMETHING LIKE:
THIS IS THE FIRST AND ONLY THING
I'VE EVER KNIT....

Don't have to LIE about it
to spare feelings, 
but those feelings are very real. 

THAT IS WHAT BOTHERED ME.
SHE CARED MORE ABOUT THE DONATIONS
THAN THE STUDENT
JUST LEARNING TO KNIT FFS.

And if someone were to talk to me like that
THAT'S NOT A GROUP I WANT TO BE IN. 

AS IT IS, ONE TIME SHE ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING. 
AND SHE ASSUMED I KNEW HOW TO DO IT.
WHICH I DIDN'T AND I TOLD HER THAT.

BUT BECAUSE SHE STILL WANTED ME TO DO IT
SHE WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT INTO A THING
THAT I WAS JUST NOT "WANTING TO DO."

"Seems like you don't want to do it."

I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
IF I DID KNOW, I'D JUST DO IT?

And, people have things going on
IN THEIR PERSONAL LIVES.
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT WHAT ANYONE WANTS
ME TO DO FOR THEM....

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF. 

She was trying into guilt me into doing it.
Since she was saying that the issue was
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO.
AFTER I TOLD HER THAT I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO DO IT.

TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

BUT IF SHE EVER TRIES TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT, 
EVER AGAIN...

I'LL LET HER KNOW IN A WAY
THAT MAKES HER UNDERSTAND.

And I'll have to do it diplomatically.
SO THAT SHE WON'T TURN IT
AROUND ON ME
LIKE SHE TRIED TO DO
WHEN SHE WAS TRYING TO GUILT ME
INTO DOING IT. 

AND WHEN SHE ASKED ME TO WORK ON THEIR SITE, 
I MET WITH ONE LADY
WHO I WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH
TO DO IT WITH HER.

WE HAD ONE MEETING
AND SHE DID THE REST HERSELF. 

SO IT'S NOT LIKE THEY ACTUALLY NEEDED ME.

LIKE THEY WANT TO DO IT THEMSELVES ANYWAY.
OR THEY UNDERESTIMATE TF OUT OF ME.
WHICH IS FINE. 

I DON'T NEED TO BE SEEN AS I AM
BY EVERYONE. 

I've just pretty much let everyone think
WHATEVER TF THEY SEEM TO THINK ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE IF I TRIED TO PROVE MYSELF
TO EVERYONE, 
TO SHOW THEM JUST HOW F*CKING WRONG
THEY WERE ABOUT ME...
ALL ALONG, 

I'D BE WASTING MY TIME AND ENERGY.
Because it's up to them to see what they
SEEM TO WANT TO SEE.

AND WHAT OTHERS SEEM
TO WANT THEM TO SEE....

A WAY TO CONTROL SOMEONE
BY TRYING TO CONTROL HOW THEY LOOK AT ME....

THAT SEEMS TO BE A THEME IN MY LIFE.

And when I never f*cking asked for f*cking anything
OTHER THAN TO BE TREATED FAIRLY... 

BECAUSE IS THAT TOO MUCH TO F*CKING ASK?
SHOULD IT BE?
SO IF IT'S NOT, WHY AM I TREATED 
CONSTANTLY
AS THOUGH IT IS?

Is it too much to ask FROM ME? 
SHOULD I TREAT THEM AS THOUGH ASKING
JUST FOR FAIRNESS
IS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH????

Because if I did, maybe they'd get the point?


It's like things have to be FAIR
FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS IT TO BE UNFAIR TO ME.

AND IT'S LIKE THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO TRY TO MAKE IT AS UNFAIR TO ME
AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. 

OR TO MAKE SOMEONE DO IT, TO ME.
BECAUSE THEY WANT THEM TO.

WHICH IS BS.

BECAUSE NOBODY SHOULD BE DICTATING
TO ANYONE HOW TO TREAT ME.

THEY SHOULD DECIDE, ABOUT ME.
NOT BECAUSE ANYONE WANTS THEM TO.

IT'S THEIR CHOICE, NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S.
What they "should" think, or feel about me...
SHOULD BE UP TO THEM.
NOT SOMEONE ELSE.

ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO WANTS TO
DISTORT ANYONE'S VIEWS OF ME
FOR THEIR PERSONAL AGENDA.

BECAUSE THAT'S BS.
BS TO DO AND BS TO LET HAPPEN.

AND IT'S STRAIGHT UP DISAPPOINTING
AND SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING. 

Embarrassing that they let someone
DICTATE TO THEM
HOW TO THINK AND FEEL
ABOUT SOMEBODY.


And if you have to LET someone hit ROCK BOTTOM, 
YOU HAVE TO LET THEM DO IT.
EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO. 

Especially when they never appreciated your help
WHEN YOU WERE OFFERING IT.

AND WANT YOU TO JUST "PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST."
LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED?

No, disrespect is DISRESPECT. PERIOD. 

And to try to make me seem CRAZY
IS EASIER THAN ADMITTING
THEY ARE A RIPE PIECE OF SH*T.

And then... MAKE EXCUSES FOR IT...

DO I WANT EXCUSES?
DO I WANT BS?

All the choices I gave and kept giving
WAS FOR THEM TO STOP WITH THE BS.

But not just STOP WITH THE BS.
TO F*CKING BE FAIR, PERIOD. 
TO BE F*CKING MATURE.

TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THEY
ARE WANTED... 
CARED ABOUT...
APPRECIATED....

TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY...


But when you choose to trust someone
other than the one you could have trusted...

By the time you see that, too late.


Like why RUN AWAY LIKE A B*TCH
THEN TRY TO ACT
LIKE THEY WANT TO ACT RIGHT
WHEN THEY LITERALLY DON'T INTEND TO
OR THEY JUST WOULD HAVE.

IT'S NOT A GAME AND NEVER WAS ONE.

THAT SH*T P*SSES ME OFF.
NOT ONLY DOES IT P*SS ME OFF, 
IT TURNS ME OFF.

TO EVERYTHING. 

JUST TO EXPECT ME
TO LET IT ALL SLIIIIIIIIIIIIDE.

BREAK IT LIKE SMASHING AN ANTIQUE MIRROR.
WITHOUT A CARE AND RUN AWAY LIKE A B*TCH.

But I'm expected to wait 7 MONTHS
FOR YOU TO COME GET YOUR SH*T OUT OF MY PLACE?

JUST KEEP WAIIIIIIIIIIIIITING. 
FOR MY CONVENIENCE.......

SO THAT I CAN MOVE ON LIKE I DESERVE TO. 
LIKE I DESERVED TO, IMMEDIATELY
AFTER HE DARED TO DO THAT.

DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HE WANTED THAT
LAST CHANCE, EH?

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED
TO MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY. 
NOT 7 MONTHS F*CKING LATER.

TIME DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT YOU CHOSE.
STILL CHOSE THAT.

And I wasn't JUST ALLOWED TO, EH?
I HAD TO WAIT FOR THEM TO JUST COME GET THEIR STUFF?
I HAD THAT BS B*TCH COMING AT ME
LIKE SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
LIKE "HAVE A REASON" TO.

OR GIVE HERSELF A F*CKING EXCUSE TO.
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO.

I needed THAT BS on top of the BS I kicked him out for?
It was the BS I was kicking him out ABOUT.
But she just had to take any chance she thought she could take
TO COME AT ME. LIKE THAT.
BUT IF I HAD COME AT HER? LIKE THAT?
IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT!

I WOULD BE THE UNSTABLE ONE.
IF IT WAS ME DOING IT.

CORRECT? IF I WAS THE ONE DOING THAT?

BUT I'M PATHETIC FOR CALLING IT OUT? LOL. 

I called out a lot, on here.
I HAVE TOLD THE TRUTH.
WHETHER OR NOT THEY OR ANYONE ELSE
WANTS TO HEAR IT.


They want to dish out all the BS
BUT WHEN IT COMES RIGHT BACK TO THEM...

BECAUSE THEY WERE ABOUT IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE...

THAT'S when it hits different?
The sad thing is that they act like this to try to HURT you
because that's what would HURT them. 

BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT DOESN'T HURT?
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I BE HURT
OVER ANYONE WHO'D WANT ME TO BE?


You think ANY IMMATURE BS
IS GOING TO BE SEEN AS ANYTHING
OTHER THAN IMMATURE BS, BY ME?

AND NOT ONLY DO I SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS
I KNOW WHY THEY ARE BEING ABOUT IT.

INSECURITY. 
SECURE PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A "REASON" TO.

AND THEY ARE MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO BE ABOUT IMMATURE BS.

ANYTHING IMMATURE.... LIKE THAT.... WHY?


THIS is why I'm choosing to be single. Not JUST this, 
but MOSTLY this.


A lady in our group was talking about something her ex did.
She was married to a guy who grabbed her knitting needles
and said "I don't like this." About her knitting. 
And she didn't get it, at the time, 
like what about knitting is wrong?
He said "I want your attention on me."

It was a control thing, from him. 
Like trying to control her activities. 

It'd be cool if I could ever teach a partner
to knit/crochet so we have our own projects
to work on together. 

Another lady's son's gf made her placemats for Christmas.
And her son said:
"She worked on those ALOT, every time we were together..."

I've been accused of caring more about knitting/crochet...
CAN'T I CARE ABOUT BOTH?

CAN'T I HAVE A HOBBY?



That's why it'd be rad if it was a mutual hobby. 
I've been guilted about it before.

Shouldn't be anything wrong with it.


IT JUST WAS LIKE:
TREAT A***, THE MOST UNFAIR THAT YOU CAN....
RUN AWAY, BLAME HER

NOT THE PEOPLE
WHO WERE TRYING TO GET 
YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

NOT YOURSELF FOR ALLOWING THAT?

NOPE. JUST BLAME ME FOR THAT SH*T, EH?
THE SH*T THAT ACTUALLY
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.


IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO
WITH EVERYONE WHO LIED
AND WHY THEY LIED.

About my capabilities, who I am, 
what kind of person I actually am, etc.

For control. 
OVER HOW SOMEONE
LOOKED AT ME.

Because if they liked what they saw.....
WOULD THERE HAVE BEEN ANY REASON
TO MAKE ANYTHING UNFAIR FOR ME?

SO WHY NOT STIR UP SOME SH*T
TO CONFUSE SOMEONE
ABOUT WHO I AM?

And what I meant by liking what they saw...
My good character traits. 
My reputation. 

But as much as they want to blame me
for their BS, 
they want to blame me
when their bs doesn't work. 

Because it was just supposed to work, right? LOL.
Because how dare the truth about me ever come out!

OR ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING?
OR ABOUT WHY THEY WERE DOING IT?

Because why? Because it looks exactly how it is.
Like immature bs.

That is why they have to try to keep lying, 
to keep it up.
While hoping it doesn't. 

Because if it does, it doesn't look good.

And at this point, I dgaf how it look for me.
Either way, I don't need that sh*t.

How can I even respect that? I can't.

And can't throw yourself a pity party
OVER CREATING THAT SH*T.

OVER WHAT THOUGH? 
INTIMIDATION?

WHAT SHOULD BE INTIMIDATING?
BETWEEN TWO MATURE PEOPLE? HMM?

SHOULD THE TRUTH BE INTIMIDATING
BETWEEN TWO MATURE PEOPLE?

OR WOULD IT JUST BE ACKNOWLEDGED?
AND MAYBE SOMETHING GETS DONE ABOUT IT?

AND IF SOMETHING GETS DONE ABOUT IT
THERE'S NO ISSUE OF NOTHING BEING DONE ABOUT IT?

But I'm supposedly "crazy" so don't "listen" to me.
ABOUT WHAT IT COULD ACTUALLY BE LIKE
BETWEEN TWO MATURE PEOPLE.


Or is THAT what's intimidating about me?
THE FACT THAT I KNOW ENOUGH
AS TO WHERE THINGS
COULD BE THAT SIMPLE?

Because if things aren't THAT simple, 
THERE'S AN ISSUE.
IS THERE NOT?

And if there's an issue, 
MAYBE SOMETHING SHOULD BE DONE ABOUT IT.

AND IT SHOULDN'T ALWAYS BE UP TO ME
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

ESPECIALLY IF I'M NOT CAUSING
THE ISSUE.

I shouldn't be expected to. 
TO FIX ANYTHING I DIDN'T BREAK.
Because why? I. DID. NOT. BREAK. IT.
I wasn't the one DOING
WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
OR WHAT I WAS ACCUSED OF DOING. 

BY PEOPLE WHO WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKE
I WAS DOING
OR WOULD EVEN THINK OF DOING FFS.

Like petty people trying to make ME look petty...

TO MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO BE PETTY
TO ME FOR F*CKING NO REASON. 

"just some manufactured reason"
JUST ANY 'EXCUSE' TO BE
TOWARD ME.

Like as bad as to call the cops on someone
JUST TO SAY I DID IT.

TO STEAL FROM SOMEONE
JUST TO SAY I DID IT.

TO INTERJECT
JUST TO SAY I DID IT.

Throw the rock, hide your hand. 
"A*** did it!" Did I? Or did you?

But just assume that I did it
BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME
AND WANTS YOU TO THINK THAT I DID IT
TOLD YOU THAT I DID IT.

AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAD TO DO
TO GET YOU TO THINK I WOULD?

NO CONVERSATION ABOUT
WHETHER OR WHETHER NOT I DID?
XYZ?

AND THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME
WAYYYYY TOOOOO MANY TIMES.

It p*sses me off THAT IS ALL IT TAKES.

SHOULD THAT BE ALL IT TAKES FOR ME?

WITH NO CONVERSATION ABOUT
WHETHER OR WHETHER OR NOT YOU DID?
OR WHETHER YOU EVEN WOULD?

JUST TOO EASY TO THINK IT, THOUGH. 
THAT'S WHY THEY TELL YOU
WHATEVER TF THEY WANT YOU TO THINK
ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE IT'S TOO EASY.

If you thought for yourself, though, 
THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT
AND THEY WOULDN'T TRY.

They wouldn't even try to do it.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT YOU
THINK FOR YOURSELF. 
AS YOU SHOULD.

But what do I know?
What would I know?

I wouldn't know anything about that, eh?
Anything about anything, eh?
Nothing about nothing at all...

Because why? I had the time to think about it....
After what, though?
AFTER ALL THE BS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
ALL THE BS THAT WHAT?
MADE ME WANT TO WALK AWAY?

AND NOT WANT TO LOOK BACK?