Long Way To Go

Anyway, I got some stuff off my chest and feeling a bit better.
It just sucks trying all the time for bs. 

CONSTANT DISAPPOINTMENT.

But I am disappointed in myself. 
Because I feel like I've been letting myself down. 

Ideally, I'd know how to make a point
without having to make a point
about making the point. 

I knew someone who could do that.
Honestly, I felt stupid next to him. 
He'd say things in ways that weren't intended
to make me feel stupid... 
I just did, because he had a point. 

But if I had a way of just making the point, 
very easily, for them to get it, really get it, 
they'd just get it.

Or at least I would hope they would.
Can't understand things for someone else.
They have to understand. 
For themselves.

And if they have a long way to go
to get to the point that they can even start
to understand, they have a long way to go. 

Maybe that's what that lady meant by capacity. 
Having a long way to go
before they can even start to understand. 


The things that I understand, now... 
WOULD I HAVE COME TO THAT UNDERSTANDING SOONER
HAD I BEEN AROUND PEOPLE
WHO UNDERSTOOD THAT A LONG TIME AGO?

And do I need to be around people who try to act clueless
TO WHAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING?
SO THAT I DON'T SEE SOMETHING?
OR THEY THINK I CAN'T?

or they want to try to make something look
LIKE SOMETHING IT ISN'T
IN HOPES I DON'T SEE IT
FOR WHAT IT IS?


It's a lot to think about. WHY. 
Why they'd rather treat me like a whatever tf
AND NOT THE FRIEND THEY CLAIM TO HAVE BEEN.
WHEN WERE THEY?
WHEN THEY WERE GETTING SOMETHING FROM ME?
WAS THAT WHEN THEY WERE MY FRIEND?

But when I stop, then I'm not you're friend anymore.
BECAUSE I STOP GIVING YOU WHAT YOU WANTED
THE CONVENIENCE TO JUST COME AND GO
WHENEVER YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM ME
AND WHENEVER YOU WANT SOMETHING
FROM WHOEVER YOU TREAT BETTER THAN ME.

Anyway, I guess I had a lot of that in my system for a long time.
Maybe I have to get it out before the next year starts.

Because it won't be about giving so much to everyone
who could only be bothered when they want something. 

I won't be calling just to talk, I won't be doing any of it.
BECAUSE I WAS EXPECTED TO DO IT
AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING IT.

But when I go AWOL, THEN PEOPLE WONDER?
THEY GET UPSET WITH ME
FOR NOT FULFILLING THEIR NEEDS.


I don't know why this came up in my mind, but it did, 
so there was a guy on a chat site or whatever, 
he was telling me he had lots of money
and wanted to find someone to spend it on/with.

1) I didn't take him up on the offer.
2) Told him to be careful who he offers to.

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE WOULD
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
AND JUST TRY TO TAKE EVERYTHING THEY CAN.

Nobody can just throw money at me.

Things I ever wanted are free.
OF YOUR FREE WILL.

If I've got what I need, what more could I want?

Things are just things. Stuff is just stuff. 
I mean, waste money on all of that
ON SOMEONE WHO ONLY WANTS THAT,
OR PUT IT AWAY FOR THE THINGS YOU NEED.

OR INVEST IT.

That's what I don't like. About guys
WHO CAN'T SEE A GOLD DIGGER
IS A GOLD DIGGER.

AND TRY TO CALL ME ONE
WHEN WTF DID I EVER ASK YOU FOR?

RESPECT AND RECOGNITION?
CONSIDERATON?

And I shouldn't have to ask for that.


So yeah, I'm just mega tired today. 
Probably because I feel like my energy's depleted. 
Which means I need to pour so much into myself...
Until I start to feel like myself, again. 

And when I do, it won't matter anymore.
Will it still matter, only less?

To the point it won't bother me, anymore. 

When I say recognition, I mean to just recognize
WHY I EVEN BOTHERED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NOT TO THROW ME A PARADE.

Because if they could see why. Just that.
I'd hope that'd have been enough.

Do I separate myself from who doesn't?
Or straight up refuses to see it?

Because that's all that I can think to do.
BECAUSE CARING EVEN MORE
DOESN'T MAKE ME MATTER TO THEM. 

It's not that I feel the need to matter to everyone.
Just would be nice to matter to people
who matter to me. 

And not come to me to ask me to do something. 

Just because "A***'s nice, she'll probably do it."

WHAT HAS BEING NICE DONE FOR ME?
PEOPLE LITERALLY WANTED TO MAKE ME WAIT.
TO BE SHOWN THAT I MATTER FFS.

YOUR TURN, EVENTUALLY.
EVENTUALLLLLLLLYYYYY.

As much as it bothered me to be treated like that...
IT BOTHERS ME THAT I LET MYSELF
BE TREATED LIKE THAT.

UNTIL I STARTED SAYING NO.
NO TF YOU CAN'T USE ME.
NO TF YOU CAN'T JUST DISMISS ME AND COME RIGHT BACK.
NO TF YOU CAN'T JUST XYZ
AND THINK I'D JUST BE HERE WAITING
FOR MY CHANCE
FOR YOU TO LOVE ME...
OR WANT ME...

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME
OR WANT ME
WHEN YOU HAD ME WAITING
FOR YOU TO LOVE ME AND WANT ME.

But... Nobody cared about me.... But A***.
A*** was there when nobody else was.

BY THAT TIME, TOO LATE.

That's why... When someone cares about you...
KEEP THEM CLOSE.
DON'T PUSH THEM AWAY
UNTIL THEY DON'T ANYMORE.

And don't accuse them of NEVER CARING
AFTER YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO TOOK THEM FOR GRANTED
AND PUSHED THEM AWAY
LIKE THEY DID NOT MATTER.


Because how long should someone WAIT
for someone to love them, want them?
Or try to prove their worth, even?

The rest of their life?
Does that sound like something I want to do
for the rest of my life? No? Why is that?

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE TO.
AND I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO.

THAN WAIT TO BE LOVED OR WANTED.
SEEN OR UNDERSTOOD ETC.

And what have I been shown?
THAT I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT FOR THAT
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
FOR THAT.

But instead THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE WHY.
WHY I WAS EVEN THERE.
WHY I WAS EVEN AROUND.
AT ALL. 

But what happens? I get depleted, 
and discarded for the girl
WHO ALREADY TREATED HIM LIKE SH*T FOR YEARS
WHO DOESN'T DESERVE THE EXTRA MILE.
WHO DEMANDS AND EXPECTS EVERYTHING
OR HAS A MAJOR MELTDOWN...

Even threatened me to try to control me FFS.
Because she felt threatened by me.

BECAUSE IF HE COULD HAVE SEEN WHY.
JUST WHY. IF IT HAD DAWNED ON HIM. 
THE REAL REASON WHY.

Why the threats, why I was trying, why I told him etc. 
WHY I KEPT TRYING TO THE POINT
IT WOULD BE F*CKING INSANE
TO KEEP TRYING.
FOR WHAT? WHY WOULD I BE TRYING NOW?
TO PROVE MYSELF?

Like I haven't already FFS?
Or did they just overlook all of that?

If I don't matter, why would trying to prove myself?
Just to matter?

TRYING DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY
MEAN YOU MATTER.

And why give too many chances when it only took one?
It should have only taken one.

At least I took the chance and gave more than one?
Should that make me feel better somehow?
In some way?

Even if it got me absolutely nowhere?

EVEN IF FOR THE PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT GO ANYWHERE?

BECAUSE HAD IT...
IT WOULD HAVE GONE SOMEWHERE.

Gotta ask yourself who wouldn't want to see that?
And why would they not want to see that?
Why would they lie for it not to happen?

Because it could have happened. 
A long time ago.

AND MANY PEOPLE KNEW IT.
THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED TO STOP THAT.
BEFORE IT COULD HAPPEN.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T GET
WHATEVER TF THEY WANTED.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS WHAT?
NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

But it bothered me that the people they have around them
JUST USE THEM FOR WHATEVER.
AND I NEVER WAS. I WAS THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
ONLY FOR THAT BS.

Couldn't use them if they lost their "access"
Which they probably would.
If someone were to come along...

AND TAKE WHAT THEY WANT.
INSTEAD OF THEM.

THE PERSON WHO DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING LOL.
BUT TO BE TREATED FAIRLY. 

But stay for the one having temper tantrums toward me
WHEN I HAVE ZERO TO DO WITH HER.
AND WHY WOULD THAT BE?