If Things Were Going To Be

If things were going to be different,
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT.

I've had to tell myself that, many times, in my life.
About many things.

ABOUT MY OWN FAMILY.
ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES.

PEOPLE I HAD TRUSTED.
AT ONE POINT IN MY LIFE.

EVEN RESPECTED...

EVEN WANTED TO BE WITH.
SADLY.

But it applies to every relationship
I ever had. 

More so about my family. 

People who wanted to hold me back. 
Who wanted to make things a hassle
THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN A HASSLE.

Someone put it to me this way:
Had things been different THEN
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT NOW.

That has helped, a little bit.
WISHING THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT,
DOES WHAT? NOTHING.

Like that time, I was really in it.
Really deep in my feels about everything...

I was trying to tell him, about it, 
but I couldn't talk about it
WITHOUT CRYING ABOUT IT.

AND HE SAID THIS:
CRYING ABOUT IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

THAT'S TRUE ABOUT ANYTHNG
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

CRYING ABOUT IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE
ANYTHING. 

Will it change the facts?
Will the facts somehow stop being the facts?
If I cry about it long enough?

It was the truth. Someone had to say it.

AND I HAVE BEEN THERE.
AT A POINT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO EVEN DO.
OTHER THAN CRY ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE
IT WAS THE ONLY THING I COULD DO ABOUT IT.

BUT DID IT CHANGE ANYTHING? IT DIDN'T.

Because if things were going to be different, 
they would have been different. 

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WISH
THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT.

IN A BILLION DIFFERENT WAYS.

BUT TO TRY TO MAKE ME SEEM 'UNSTABLE'
OR WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO TRY TO DO, TO ME.

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD
JUST DO THAT.

Try to gaslight me about my own sanity LOL.

BUT WATCH WHO BELIEVES WHO SAYING WHAT.
WATCH HOW EASY IT WAS FOR THEM TO SAY IT.
TO BELIEVE IT.

USUALLY THEY BELIEVE IT BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.
WANTED IT TO BE TRUE?

OR SOMEONE DEFINITELY WANTED IT TO SEEM SO.
OR ELSE WHY DO IT?


And if they went ALL IN WHEN IT CAME TO
BETTERING THEMSELVES.

INSTEAD OF TRYING TO COME AT ME...

AND RECOGNIZING SOME THINGS.
REALIZING SOME THINGS.

ABOUT WHAT NOT TO EVEN TRY.
AND WHY.

BECAUSE WHY GO THERE?
ANYTHING BETTER TO DO? NO?

Like go read a book ffs.
"Do something about something."

"Go fart on a biscuit." 
(That one's not mine).
I yoinked it from a chat room lol. 

I heard someone talk about energy.
He was saying that people f*ck energy up
WHEN THEY TRY TO PERSONIFY IT.

There's so many ways to 'interact' with it.
Witness it, observe it, transmute it, interpret etc.

But when we try to personify it, 
we f*ck it up.
As people.

Something about it not needing to be
personified, because it's...
Not meant for that.

Something like that.

Not meant for a lot of things.
Hard to put some stuff into words.