I Won't For A While

Did I mention how I dislike shopping?
Well, I do.

It's nice when it's only a few things. In and out.

There are times I look around. 

Sometimes I go to the wool aisle, just to look. 

I don't need any wool per se. 
I have enough to make stuff
for the rest of my life lol. 

There was a lady making a video. 
She told her husband she was going to therapy.
Said it was $150/h and he said he'd pay for it.
But she actually just went wool shopping. 

That'd be one thing about me that might be
a bit annoying. I like to look at stuff. 
Especially eye candy stuff. Like wool. 

I couldn't justify spending $150 on wool though. 
I probably have, over time, like over years, 
but I couldn't be like:
"I'm going to spend $150 on wool."

Even kinda kick myself when I bring back wool
from the knitting group.

Last time I got some bright orange
to go in a blanket I'm working on. 

I have some yellow for it, too. 
But do you think I can find it?


I put stuff aside and forget where I put it.

Anyway, I still have that 70s squares "thing"
and almost done, I have some ends to weave.

I'm going to have that done by the next one, 
then I have a couple other things for the donations. 

I was looking at crochet videos
and I saw something I'd like to make. 
It's just 4 squares, sewn into a hood "thing"
and it can be done with different squares. 

There was a trend about these pants made of squares.
The squares had skulls on them. 

Someone bought me some glow in the dark yarn. 
Those pants would look pretty cool. 
With glow in the dark skulls. 

But I was also thinking about
glow in the dark stars. 

Anyway, I'd like to experiment with some stuff.

The sweaters that were donated, they turned out well. 
The lady did a great job of them. 
I wouldn't know how to sew the sweaters.
I only made two. In my life. 
I'd like to make more, just...
Eventually.


But those squares I made, I'm thinking of joining them, too. 
Well, I will. Just a bunch to do first. 

Keeping myself occupied with stuff
hasn't ever been an issue. 

Always had my books, writing, knitting, crochet...

Never had to go far or go to any lengths. 
Didn't ever really take much for me. 

Just to have something to do, 
something to work on. 

Something to get done.

Many a night with a "lap project."
Just "watching" (listening to) something. 
Stitching. 

Something to "mindlessly" "do."

Kind of like writing, but different. 

Just feels good not to have to go back to the store for a while.
Tonight, I got an "energy drink."
I mostly stay away from them. 
A new brand, thought I'd try it.

But... I did get a Tiger Malt. 
Not enough Tiger Malts to sip away
through the years' disappointments.

AND YES, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. 
FOR GIVING TOO MANY F*CKS.
YET AGAIN. 

BECAUSE... JUST BECAUSE YOU GIVE ANY F*CKS...
DOESN'T MEAN THE PEOPLE YOU GIVE ANY
F*CKS ABOUT
WILL SHOW YOU
THEY GAF ABOUT YOU.

AS DISAPPOINTING AS THAT IS.

BECAUSE... IN A PERFECT WORLD,
THEY'D SEE AND GET THAT YOU HAVE BEEN
SHOWING UP FOR THEM
BECAUSE YOU GAF ABOUT THEM.

AND THEY'D GAF ABOUT YOU, TOO.
AND THAT YOU GAF ABOUT THEM.

AND ACTUALLY TREAT YOU
AS SOMEONE THEY GAF ABOUT.

Should go WITHOUT SAYING. 

Anyway, I wish it was THAT SIMPLE.
BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE.
AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN?
BECAUSE WHY NOT JUST TRY
TO F*CK IT ALL UP?

WHY NOT GO OUT OF YOUR WAY?
JUST TO MAKE EVERYTHING
A HUGE F*CKING HASSLE?

EVERYTHING?
EVEN THE BARE MINIMUM?

The bare minimum being:
DON'T BE A TW@T.
DON'T GO OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO BE A TW@T.

That's pretty simple. 

AND IF I AM GIVING YOU AN OPPORTUNITY
TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF

YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME
IF YOU CHOOSE TO F*CK YOURSELF OVER

BY BEING A TW@T.
WHEN YOU NEVER HAD TO BE ONE.

AND YOU HAD THE CHOICE.
NOT TO BE ONE.
IN GENERAL, 
BUT TO ME...

THE ONE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE
TRUSTED. 

I wasn't doing anything
OTHER THAN TELLING YOU TO GROW TF UP.
STEP UP.
FOR YOURSELF. 

IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO DO THAT, FOR YOURSELF, 
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO BE MAD AT ME BECAUSE OF IT.
NOT MY PROBLEM. 

BUT THE OPPORTUNITIES I GIVE, 
CAN BE TAKEN AWAY. 

AT MY DISCRETION. 

JUST LIKE THE ONES YOU GIVE.
AT YOURS. CORRECT?

SAME GOES FOR ME.

I like for things to just be... THAT SIMPLE.
NO SENSE IN MAKING IT
COMPLICATED. 

SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND. 

SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL GROWN ADULTS
HOW TO ACT AND HOW NOT TO ACT.
IN GENERAL, BUT TOWARD ME.

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME, RIGHT?
I SHOULD ALREADY KNOW COMMON SENSE THINGS
BY THIS TIME OF MY LIFE?

THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO BE TOLD?

Think about it, though. 

Would you rather be with someone
YOU HAVE TO TEACH HOW TO TREAT YOU.

OR WHO ALREADY KNOWS
HOW TO TREAT YOU
AND HOW NOT TO TREAT YOU?

AND WHO DOESN'T GIVE YOU AN "ATTITUDE"
ABOUT WHEN YOU TELL THEM:

"THIS IS BS."

Who is MATURE enough to know:
I SHOULDN'T ACT LIKE THIS.

MATURE ENOUGH TO NOT WANT TO
ACT LIKE THAT.

TO KNOW WHAT ACTING LIKE THAT LOOKS LIKE.
AND WHAT IT SAYS.

That's HEALTHY. AND ATTRACTIVE!

But being around THAT and thinking it's OKAY?
No. Tf not. It's not "cool."
IT'S WHAT? IMMATURE.
AND WHAT? UNATTRACTIVE!

Even if I got the 'apologies' for that BS...
WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE?

WHAT WOULD THEY EVEN WANT FROM ME?
FOR ME TO LOOK AT THEM
IN A BETTER LIGHT?

IF THEY WANTED ME TO SEE THEM
IN A BETTER LIGHT, 
THEN MAYBE...

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO BE A TW@T!

Once I lose attraction, how am I supposed to
LOOK AT YOU THE SAME?
AS I ONCE DID?

WHAT'S GONE IS GONE.
ALONG WITH MY RESPECT.

THE F*CKS I ONCE GAVE, FREELY, TOO.

AND YOU CAN'T BE MAD AT ME
WHEN YOU HAD THE CHOICES.
AND THE CHANCES.
THE OPPORTUNITY. 

THE OPPORTUNITY
I DON'T HAVE TO EXTEND A THOUSAND TIMES.

IF YOU'RE NOT READY, YOU'RE NOT. 
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT....
DON'T WASTE MY F*CKING TIME, PLEASE.

And, I had to learn NOT TO KEEP WASTING
MY OWN TIME.

WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS ME,
THE FIRST F*CKING TIME, 
GOTTA BELIEVE THEM. 

OR THEY'LL JUST KEEP SHOWING ME.
THAT THEY AREN'T READY.

Should it p*ss me off that they aren't ready?
THAT THEY SEEM TO THINK
I SHOULD TELL THEM
"DON'T F*CKING BE A TW@T TO ME"
FOR THEM NOT TO BE A TW@T TO ME?

OR WOULD IT JUST BE NICE.
IF THEY JUST DIDN'T WANT TO ACT LIKE THAT
AND TRY BLAMING ME
FOR THEM DECIDING TO ACT LIKE THAT?

Because, that would be a nice CHANGE.


But what would also be a nice change
IS NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.
OR TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

BECAUSE EVERYTHING I OFFER, 
THAT COMES WITH BEING WITH ME, 
I CAN DECIDE, AT MY DISCRETION, 
THAT I NO LONGER WANT TO OFFER.

AND SINCE I DON'T OWE IT.
MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT
FOR WHAT IT WAS.
WHILE THEY HAD IT.

Because, I would LOVE if there wasn't anything
I HAD TO F*CKING EXPLAIN ABOUT
WHY NOT BEING A TW@T
HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH
EARNING AND KEEPING MY RESPECT.

EVEN AFFECTS MY ATTRACTION. 
IN GENERAL. 

TO EVEN HAVE ANYTHING MEANINGFUL.

But here's the thing:

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING MEANINGFUL
WITH SHALOW SURFACE LEVEL PEOPLE.

THEY CAN'T GO 'DEEP' ENOUGH.
UNFORTUNATELY. 

If they can't SEE WHY
they should have grown tf up BY NOW...

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THEY WILL?
JUST WAKE UP ONE DAY AND BE LIKE:

LOOK AT HOW I WAS ACTING! HOW I WAS BEING!
TOWARD A***, WHO NEVER HAD TO GIVE ME A CHANCE, 
LET ALONE AN OPPORTUNITY.
WHO RESPECTED ME, AT ONE POINT.

UNTIL I LOST HER RESPECT.
BECAUSE I ACTED LIKE THAT.
TOWARD HER.

AND IF I HADN'T... BEEN A TW@T
MAYBE I'D STILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
SHE WAS GIVING ME.

THAT SHE NEVER HAD TO GIVE ME!

Chances of that are pretty slim, yeah?
SO SLIM I SHOULD HOLD MY BREATH FOR IT?
TO JUST HAPPEN, ONE DAY?

FOR THE GLIMMER OF THAT SUDDEN REALIZATION... 
THE SHIMMER OF HOPE
FOR THAT GLIMMER TO APPEAR.
ONE DAY, IN THE FUTURE...

IF AT ALL...

That's what it's come to. That.
REFUSING TO HOLD MY BREATH FOR THAT.
REFUSING TO WAIT ONE MORE DAY.
FOR THAT.
WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO.

And if you have to straight up tell someone this.
ABOUT THEIR OWN LIFE,
AND IF THEY'LL LISTEN, 
TELL THEM. 

NO SWEAT OFF YOUR BACK, RIGHT?

Might earn you a free dinner.

That's still been one of the best compliments
I ever got about my writing, period. 

I'm saying it because if someone 
WANTS TO MAKE YOU WAIT
FOR BASIC RESPECT AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT...

THEY'LL PROBABLY KEEP MAKING YOU WAIT.

I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY.
AND I WASN'T DOING MYSELF
ANY FAVORS BY WAITING FOR IT FFS!!!!

SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO WAIT.
FOR THAT.

FROM SOMEONE YOU'RE GIVING AN OPPORTUNITY TO?!
ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU WOULD?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T.
I DIDN'T ASK MYSELF WHY I WOULD.

I JUST DID IT,
HOPING FOR THINGS TO CHANGE.

AFTER THAT SUDDEN REALIZATION...
ONE DAY...

IF THEY REFUSE TO REALIZE ANYTHING,
IS THAT YOUR ISSUE?
OR IS IT THEIR ISSUE?

WHEN REALIZING THAT ONE THING
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HARD TO DO?

That's what p*ssed me off. 
BECAUSE IT WOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING
IF IT CAME TO ANYONE ELSE.

ANYONE THEY WANTED TO KEEP IN THEIR LIFE.
ANYONE THEY WANTED RESPECT FROM.


It's just that some people who are THAT immature
HAVE THINGS TO LEARN
THE HARD WAY, APPARENTLY.

THEN WHEN THEY LOOK BACK, 
ON HOW THEY ACTED...

IF THEY EVEN DO THAT...

MAYBE THE SHAME AND REGRET
WILL TEACH THEM IN WAYS
THEY REFUSED TO LEARN.
WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE.

But when you STOP MAKING THINGS EASY FOR SOMEONE.
WHO YOU GAVE SO MANY CHANCES TO.
TO CHANGE HOW THEY WERE ACTING.
TO GROW TF UP.

WHY SHOULD THEY CHANGE?
IF YOU'RE MAKING IT EASY FOR THEM?
TO BE A COMPLETE TW@T?

Like people who SHOULD HAVE BROKEN UP
A LONG @SS TIME AGO.
STILL 'STICKING IT OUT'
EVEN THOUGH ALL THEY ARE DOING
IS HOLDING EACH OTHER BACK
BECAUSE NEITHER OF THEM ARE
READY TO HAVE SOMETHING
THEY COULD HAVE
IF THEY WERE BOTH ON THE SAME LEVEL.

AND THEY JUST MAKE EXCUSES
FOR THEIR OWN SH*T
AND EACH OTHERS' SH*T.

WHILE NOTHING CHANGES.
NO THANKS.

I've already wasted years of my life.

WISHING THAT THE PEOPLE
WHO I WISH WERE MATURE....

ENOUGH TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS.
ENOUGH TO HAVE BEEN READY.
FOR WHAT I WAS OFFERING.
FOR WHAT I WANTED.
FOR US BOTH. 
NOT JUST FOR MYSELF. 

BUT I HAD TO LEARN
FROM MY OWN SELFISHNESS, TOO. 

FROM MY OWN REFUSAL
TO REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS. 

THAT HAD I REALIZED, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE WASTED OPPORTUNITIES
THAT I NO LONGER HAVE.