Wouldn't Even Be

The things that we look forward to, I guess...

I haven't started reading the next book, yet.
Been too busy, today, with other stuff...

But I have 5 renews. Automatic renews.
Should be enough time to read it all.

I didn't think I'd make it through the last book.

It was decent, though.
I'd read something else by her.
If there is anything...

Was just a book I picked at random. 
This one, too. 


The library started a pilot project
where you can borrow a Chrome book for 3 months.

They have a way to remotely disable it
when they have to bring it back.

So if they tried to steal it, it'd be disabled.
Which is a smart thing to do.

I thought about borrowing one, 
just to check it out, what it's like.

If I get through this next book,
I might pick up another one.

Even though I have a bunch of them.

But that plan to take that set to "the book place"
is a plan for the near future.


And talk to those guys at the vintage shop, 
just to see what kind of deals we can make.

I also want to talk to the pawn shop guy.
To suggest that he opens a second locale.

Location would be perfect, for him. 
No pawn shops in that area.

And people bring stuff to pawn shops.
It's not like they have to keep finding stuff.
People bring stuff to them.

WHY WOULDN'T THEY WANT TO HAVE
SOMEWHERE CLOSE BY 
THEY COULD SELL SOMETHING AT?

Maybe I'll swing by there, today.

Tomorrow I have to go to do a thing.
That doesn't seem to get done
BECAUSE I KEEP TRYING TO EXPLAIN THINGS
OVER AND OVER.

It drives me crazy,

I told the guy to make sure his computer is charged
so that I can use it when I come over
because we have to reset the password
for his account
so that we can renew his domain. 

IT SHOULD JUST BE THAT SIMPLE.

But he's like "you can use a library computer."

HE LITERALLY NEEDS TO CONFIRM
THAT I'M THE ONE ENTERING HIS EMAIL ACCOUNT
TO RESET HIS PASSWORD
SO THAT WE CAN DO THAT ONE THING.

I learned the hard way about domains.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING THEM
TO MAKE SURE YOU RENEW IT.

I LOST A FEW
Because I forgot they were going to expire.

And I had an email address attached to one of them.
So I was able to get it back, at least.

And that website, I'll have to work on that, again. 
I want to get caught up with the one I'm working on now.

It is my business website that I haven't set up, yet.
I'd be starting that from scratch, I guess.

Then play catch up with the other sites, I guess.

It'll be okay, though, just one thing at a time, for now.

And a stay-cation here and there. Day trip here and there.
Just not a fan of cold weather.

Even being here, at home, I'm freezing.


The sun's coming up, the sunlight's warming me up, a bit.

I have a disco ball in the dining room for when
the sun hits it in the mornings.

Just one of those little things...
Because sometimes, it's just those little things...
All that we have, left...


WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME.
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO HAVE IT
INSTEAD OF ME.

IT'S PRETTY F*CKED UP.

Hard to believe that it even was like that, 
but it was.

BECAUSE IF SOMEONE GOES TO WWIII
JUST TO GET "THEIR WAY"

IT'S ONLY ABOUT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT.
NOTHING ELSE.

OR ELSE WHY WOULD THEY TAKE IT THERE
OR TRY TO?

THIS IS PART OF THE REASON
THAT I DON'T USUALLY HAVE MUCH TO DO
WITH OTHER FEMALES.

BECAUSE THIS SH*T HAPPENS.
AND IT'S F*CKING GROSS.

And I told him it was about his money.
BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON HIM
IF IT WAS ABOUT HIM. 

But why listen to me?
She didn't want him to listen to me.

Gee, I wonder why?
Because maybe he'd see me clearly?

Maybe he'd get why I was telling him?

SHE WAS TRYING TO COMPETE WITH ME.
AND BLOCK ME ETC.


BUT WHY WASTE MY WORDS ON ANYONE
WHO REFUSES TO LISTEN?

I guess if people want to get in their own way, 
they can... If that's what they want...

If that's what they really want.

As for what I really want, 
I'D JUST LIKE TO TALK BUSINESS.
THAT'S IT.

LEGAL. STRAIGHT FORWARD, BUSINESS.
AND TECH STUFF.

Putting myself "out there" results in BS
When someone's trying to block me etc.

WHEN DID THEY THINK I'D FOLD ON MYSELF LOL?
Would they if I did that sh*t?

But what do they have to show for that sh*t, though?
Whatever they thought they were going to get from it?
At my expense, though.

It's like when you're legit, and people know this....
THEY HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE YOU LOOK BAD.

INSTEAD OF MAKING THEMSELVES LOOK BAD
FOR TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE LOOK BAD...


But legit is who and what I am. People don't like that.
SO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I'M NOT.

AND THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN DO THAT
IS TO PROJECT THEIR SH*T AT ME.

And I know that they are doing it.
I even know why they are doing it.

They don't really try to hide that they are doing it, 
but they don't want the people
they are trying to give the false impressions to
TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING
OR ELSE IT WON'T WORK.

AND THEY'LL HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT.
to keep up the false impressions...

THE FALSE NARRATIVE...
ABOUT YOU, TO EVERYONE.

But mostly and specifically to the ones
they want to BELIEVE THEM.

ABOUT YOU.

And this type of sh*t doesn't happen to me ALL the time, 
but it has happened to me. 


Imagine choosing someone who was STALKING
and THREATENING someone out of EGO?

That'd probably be embarrassing.

AND WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT, THOUGH?
There'd have to be a reason
OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE.

And if they had just ASKED THEMSELVES...
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE THEY'D SEE THAT.

TO JUST SEE THE REASON FOR IT.

AND NOT ONLY THAT, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
NOT REWARD IT, BY ALLOWING THAT SH*T.

Doesn't that make sense? Or am I actually 'crazy'?


Choosing someone who was stalking me etc
and projecting their sh*t onto me...

Easy to be "confused" when someone wants 
you to be "confused" about me.
INSTEAD OF WHAT?
FINDING OUT FOR YOURSELF?
WITHOUT LISTENING TO ANYONE
ABOUT ME?

All the projections lol. 
Maybe the one authority about me, is me.

BUT THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN.
BECAUSE IT HAPPENED.

IT SUCKS, BUT IT DID.

And if it was going to happen, anyway
BECAUSE SHE HAS TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS
OR IT'S "WWIII" 
SHE'LL HAVE A "TEMPER" TANTRUM.
AND BLAME EVERYONE ELSE.

BECAUSE NOT HER "FAULT" 
THAT SHE HAS TO CAUSE SH*T
TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS, RIGHT?

INSTEAD OF MINDING HER OWN BUSINESS?


Because HAD she minded her own business
THERE'D BE NO REASON TO THREATEN ME, RIGHT?
THERE'D HAVE BEEN NO REASON
TO READ MY MESSAGES, CONVERSATIONS ETC.

But just EXPECT ME TO JUST ALWAYS BE THERE, FOR YOU.

WITH NO F*CKING REGARD FOR ME
WHATSOEVER.

SO WHY WOULD I?


But it's not fair for me to move on? For myself?
THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT IS FAIR FOR ME.

Because it only mattered what SHE wanted.
OR THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A FIGHT.

UNLESS YOU SAY WHAT?
UNLESS YOU SAY NO!

And I had people telling me
DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO!
AND THERE WAS A REASON FOR THAT!

OR ELSE THEY WOULDN'T.

But I realized why they were doing that.
I saw it. And couldn't unsee it.
Because once you do, it's THERE
UNLESS YOU ARE IN DENIAL. 


And it has felt that too many people
HAVE BEEN IN DENIAL ABOUT ME.

But it's mostly to try to keep me stuck
DUE TO THE FACT THEY DON'T WANT ME TO
JUST BE WHERE I'M AT.

No more competition sh*t.

That's what I don't like about those types of females.
IT'S BULLSH*T.

And I don't want to live like that. 
Goes without saying, but neither would you.

Like expecting me to FIGHT OVER SOMETHING
THAT THEY WANT ME TO FIGHT OVER.

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
Because they want me to?
Why would I just do it just because they want me to?

But the manipulation with the projections...
I SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS
AND IF HE CAN'T SEE IT
FOR WHAT IT IS,
THERE'S NO F*CKING POINT, IS THERE?

HE CAN ALLOW HIMSELF TO BE MANIPULATED.
But I don't need to allow myself to be manipulated.

Was I mad as hell that he allowed that sh*t? Yeah.
Because he didn't have to.

THAT HE EITHER DIDN'T REALIZE OR RECOGNIZE
THAT I'M NOT ABOUT? ANY OF THAT?


But I'm not here to prove that or anything else about myself. 

Imagine everyone wanting you to prove yourself
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

And that's all it'd ever f*cking be!!!!
So f*ck that sideways with a surfboard.

Here's one:

What would you rather?

A) Someone seeing THAT they were wrong
B) Someone seeing WHY they were wrong

For me, someone seeing WHY they were wrong.

WRONG TO DO THE SH*TTY THINGS THEY DID.

And if ONLY seeing THAT they were wrong is ENOUGH, 
then it's enough, 

but it'd be another level if they could see WHY....


There's a guy, an older guy, with a distinguished accent...
He's a reporter, I think.

He did a documentary about death row inmates...

One guy, on death row, was talking about his VICTIMS
HOW HE FOUND OUT THEIR BIRTHDAYS
AND HAD THEM ON HIS CALENDAR.

THE REPORTER REMINDED HIM
THAT HE KILLED THEM!

WHY EVEN THINK OF THEIR BIRTHDAYS?
YOU'RE THE REASON THEY AREN'T HAVING ANY MORE...

It was kind of like PUNCHING HIM IN THE GUT WITH IT.
SLAPPING HIM IN THE FACE WITH IT.

Doing a thing he didn't have to do, but chose to do.

But I'll remember their BIRTHDAYS.... FFS.

Is irony completely lost on most people these days?
Or would it be somehow ironic if it wasn't?

Some weird, twisted way.
BECAUSE IT'D BE IRONIC.

A LITTLE TOO IRONIC?


I don't know what made me think of that, 
it's been months since I even watched that...

He's a good reporter, that guy, I can't remember his name.
But I think he's actually a Sir.

Anyway, that part...

Where he POINTED OUT
THAT HE DIDN'T F*CKING HAVE TO DO IT.

A young mother and her 4 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.

And he pointed it out MORE THAN ONCE.
I LOVE HIM FOR THAT.

STRONG DOSE OF REALITY.
STRONG DOSE OF "WTF!!!"

Just to bring it home in a way that only he could do.
I LOVE HIM FOR THAT.

He didn't do it in any other way
other than pointing it out and making a point of pointing it out.


There was another guy he interviewed in that doc.
The guy had been locked up since he was 17.

AND HE HAD BEEN PUT AWAY FOR THAT LONG.
LOCKED UP LONGER THAN HE'D BEEN FREE.

It was a good doc because of his reporting style. 

Anyway, I guess it came to mind
because when the guy pointed it out
ABOUT THEIR BIRTHDAYS.

It seemed to click or something.
It's like he had some sort of realization
as to WHY he was wrong.

WRONG TO HAVE DONE WHAT HE DID.
WHAT HE NEVER HAD TO DO, BUT CHOSE TO DO.


It was like up until that point, he knew THAT he was wrong.
He knew why he was on death row, 
but only THAT he was wrong.

It was as though, at that moment, he realized WHY.
Even though WHY should have been obvious.

And if he realized WHY it was wrong, 
MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE WHAT HE DID.

The same kind of thing that makes most of us NOT do that.

And he pointed it out
WITH ALL THE RESTRAINT HE COULD EVER GENERATE.

FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T DESERVE IT.

Well, for his career, too, and professionalism...
BUT OBVIOUSLY, WAYS THAT....

IT'D BE VERY HARD TO HAVE HIS RESTRAINT.

Some people probably would have jumped through the screen.
And if they could, there wouldn't even BE a death row.