To Their Mother

 I should probably try to go to bed earlier
than I have been, but I stay up late
to try to get at least some work done on my site.

I try to go to bed feeling as though I've done something that day.
Hard to just stop "working" on something and switch it off 
even just for the night, to try to sleep.

If only I didn't have to worry about eating or sleeping.
I could just "live" without the tedious stuff lol.

I did get a domain that has to do with cooking,
but I'd have to team up with someone to work on that.
Someone who likes cooking.

I know a couple of people who like to cook and bake.

But how do you approach someone and say:
"I bought a domain, do you want to make a site with me?"

Being a loner means I have to make my sites myself lol.
Well chatgpt helps me with some coding stuff.
And I ask chatgpt to describe a picture I could put on my site
that would go with the content on the page.

Then I pop that description in an image creator AI.

It's nice to be able to just ask with help with writing something.
Even if it's a prompt for an image.

Cool that the technology exists, though.
It helps with that other project I mentioned before.

I kind of put it on pause because there's a few parts
that are not going to be easy and everything has to just flow.
Like flow together. It's hard to just write it.

But I'm also getting help with editing, so doing that, too.
Writing and editing what I already wrote.

By writing, I'm writing over 95% of it myself 
and the parts are my ideas.

Even how I'm writing it is my idea.
To flow the parts together, etc.

That's all I can say about the style I'm writing it in.
It's something I haven't seen before.

And the story itself is from my imagination lol.

But is writer's block a real thing? Yeah, it is.

Ideally, if I had a shot with a guy who's into programming and writing,
who I could work on projects with, that... I'd love that.

Shared interests, but not just that.

That one guy who brought me to someone's house.
Another guy came by and I was talking to the other guy
about coding and the one guy said to me:

"How come you talk to him all smart and you talk to me
like a country bumpkin?"

Am I supposed to pull out all the stops to show people
I actually have some intelligence? All the time?

Or should I just let them talk? And listen?

And when I GET TO TALK, WHAT DO I EVEN SAY
THAT ANYONE WILL LISTEN TO?

MY HOBBIES? MY INTERESTS?
IS EVERYONE INTO THAT? NO?

DO I KNOW NOT EVERYONE IS INTO
THE THINGS I'M INTO?

So maybe it's harder for me to just OPEN UP.
Because what do I say to people
who think that much differently than I do?

I get everyone is different, etc, but it's not just that.

I learned that there are types of people.
I can't really explain what I mean by that, but there are.

And it's not a thing about race.
It's more of a personality thing.

Maybe I notice it more because I observe more
than I actually participate.

But I see it in a lot of people.
How they are trying to be a version of themselves
that they convince themselves that they are.

All the things I used to do. 
It's like seeing myself in people, 
but the way I used to be.

And how a certain type of people
try to be as alike as they possibly can.

I don't know if it is because they want to feel
like they belong to some sort of segment of society,
but it was as though there was just one person
from each and every group
that they all wanted to be like or something
so they all try to be exactly that one way.
As though whoever "nails it" wins some sort of prize.

For being the BEST whatever.
Like it's a competition to see who can be more... Whatever.
Whatever the traits are within the group.

Like a group of @ssh0les...
It seems to be like a competition: Who's the biggest @ssh0le?
Who can have the most @ssh0le traits?
Who can act and be the most like the biggest @ssh0le
that ever existed...

It's like they egg themselves and each other on
being in the competition.
Even if they don't acknowledge it as a competition...

Because it seems most people who compete
in those types of scenarios don't acknowledge
that they're doing it.

Or that they seem to expect others to do it, too.

Like an unspoken "game" of some type.
The "I can be better than you." Or something.
It's really f*cking weird and unnecessary.

Anyone who feels THAT strongly about wanting to be
Better than whoever else...
Isn't secure with themselves ENOUGH
NOT TO COMPETE OR PLAY THAT 'GAME.'

Even my projects, if it was to compete, I'd make it known.
My projects aren't about the money, either.

It's to have something to work on, I guess.
Because it's a nice feeling when something is complete.

I was watching an interview thing on YouTube.
I forget who was being interviewed.
But he was saying how your brain actually
releases dopamine when you finish a task.

Like the relief that it's done.
Being happy it's done.

That feeling.
That's dopamine, natural dopamine.

Maybe that has to do with why I have projects.
Because they are unique to me.

Knitting, crocheting, I get to make stuff.
I even get to use my imagination
and mix colors, patterns, etc.

Coding, I get to "try to" design stuff.
Even though I haven't really been happy with my designs.
I wish I was a designer, but that's not my forte.
That could be why it's taking me so long
just to launch this site I've been working on.

Each day, I get to do some more work towards it.
But hard to feel satisfied and just go to bed.
I keep thinking: What's the next thing I have to do?

Then the urge to just do it.
That doesn't go away until the thing is done.
Whether it's to redo a particular page
or check certain links...

But what I really want to do
is to find an auto responder type of plugin to use
that works really well without any restrictions,
and will help me do a type of newsletter thing,
just to announce changes I made to the site.

The trick to get engagement is to make it interactive.
The more interactive it is, the "cooler" it will seem, I guess.

Maybe because people like entertaining things.

Like animation type of things.

I barely know how to set up a function for 'onclick' lol.

How it works is that there are event listeners.
The event is the click.
So when someone clicks on a link or a button,
or something like that, could even be an image or a div.

When it's clicked, the function set for 'onclick' runs.
That's programming. Functions and scripts.
Maybe the scripts are a series of functions.

I'm thinking that Javascript can work with css probably.
To have a function trigger an animation
or something like that.

I noticed that YouTube did that with their buttons.
Specifically the reaction buttons and the subscribe button.

Like rewarding the clicker with the animation for clicking.
Something like that. But it seems to work.

I saw one coding video, I can't seem to find it again, 
but it was an animation for a button that looked like birds
flying out of the button when the button's clicked.
It's pretty rad that we can do that stuff.

That it's possible.

I keep thinking that the future will be very different from today.
Think of all the inventions that were invented in the last 100 years...
So 100 years from now?

I brought that up to my mother once, 
but all she said is that we'll be dead.

Well, yeah, but the future will likely look like
100 years ago looks like to us now. Y'know?


And 100 years ago was the 1920s.
Pretty wild to think about that.
A huge shift from 30 years ago.

But they also say things like history repeats itself.

Sometimes I think that it could just take one crash
to sink the economy like the great depression all over again.
As though nobody learned from that.

But we'll see. All I know is that money doesn't seem to go as far
as it should go. And some people hoard money.
Like an obsession with it.

I mean, it's necessary,
but too many people go to the wrong lengths to get it.

Like all those life insurance schemes.
I thought I had life insurance.
It was only for accidental death or something like that.

Plus, I wanted to change the beneficiary.
So I asked them to send me the forms.
I filled it out, called them to ask if they got it.
THEY SAID THEY DID.

BUT NOBODY WAS LISTED.
WHEN I SPOKE TO THEM AGAIN.

Firstly, it shouldn't be so damn hard
just to get f*cking life insurance....

But the person I know I can trust with my life.
Who wouldn't scheme to get it...
That's who I trust it to.

Someone who's been a decent friend.
A solid person I can trust.

Anyway, I should try to sleep.
I don't really want to, but I should.

So that it'll be easier to work on stuff tomorrow.
Because then I won't get as anxious about it.

I have to try to remind myself that what I could manage
has to be enough for the day
and I struggle with feeling satisfied with it.

It's hard to explain. 
I know it doesn't have to be perfect, but it doesn't have to be
a half @ssed whatever I just slap together.

Some sites are extremely simple.

I've got to look at the niches and find a good offer.
Because people can get paid if someone makes a call.
Because it qualifies as a lead.

Some places pay a bit for those calls.
Because those calls can potentially make them money.

There's PPC and CPA.
Pay per click, and cost per action.

The cost per action is getting people to fill out a form
or something like that.

A firm was doing it with affiliates just after covid.
It didn't work out for me because I was calling from Canada.
To talk to Americans about their businesses.

I only got close to making one commission on it.
And these were big commissions
because it was about how many employees they had employed.

It was to do with a tax thing that they could still apply for
even if they got the other thing that was supposed to bail them out.

An American tax credit thing.
That they only had a certain time frame to claim.

Anyway, a firm was getting affiliates to bring them leads.
Of course they get a commission for bringing in the business.

That's what affiliate marketing is all about.

I was writing about cost per action and went off on a tangent.
People get money when people fill out forms, make calls, 
even when they download something.

Or when they enter one of those "Enter to win" things.
Like "you could win a gift certificate" for whatever place...
People can get paid for sending traffic to those links.
As long as the traffic completes the action.

But the pot site, I'd like to build.
It's cool to make it 'artistic' because people
going to visit it might actually be high and it won't matter.
If it has some cool things about it,
and the affiliate offers are decent,
then might get some traffic.

There's a company that has affiliates for pot products.
More THC stuff than actual marijuana.

It's that when I first heard about it,
they didn't have many products for Canada.
And not everything they had for the USA could be shipped here.
For whatever reason.
So you had to be there to order it there.
Something like that,

but the biz side of it is what I'd be looking at.
People habitually buy that stuff.
All kinds of stuff.
Online.

Because it's easy and it gets delivered.

I went through a phase that I bought stuff on ebay.
I had to stop looking at stuff on ebay.

But there're some interesting things sometimes.

Speaking of interesting things...

I was browsing YouTube and somehow came across a guy
who's a Canadian antiques dealer who buys hoards.
And then he puts the stuff on an auction site.

I got an email from the auction site about an upcoming auction.
They are fun to watch, though. It's live.
 
Anyway, I know about the auction site through that guy's videos.

Rocks, coins, books, jackets, yarn, wool... These are interesting to me.
I can't exactly explain why, but they just are.

It was a good series. He had a whole series of videos about that house.
It was about him going through stuff in the house.

Also, it was about him restoring the house.

He bought the hoard, but bought the house with it.
Then he sold most of the stuff on the auction site and in his store.
Then he restored the house and sold it.

So he did an entire series about the stuff and the house.
Even included some of the history of the previous owner.
She was a pottery artist.

Must have done very well for herself to have a hoard like that lol.

Then I think about my ow hoard.
Or wool, books... Other stuff I don't need.

If I could have someone just sell my stuff for me,
I'd go for that and pare down to the basics.

Been looking at videos of tiny apartments in Japan.
Just he structural design.

I could totally do a small space like that.
My first place on my own was a room in a rooming house.
I was okay with that, but I went from not having my ow place
to having one, so it didn't really matter
that it was just a room.

But there are times I wish I had stayed to myself.
Back then, just focused on my projects.

Who knows where I'd be?
But would I have learned what I did?

Sometimes things occur and you learn from those things.
Maybe I could have learned the easy way,
but I did learn from the wrong way.

If that makes any sense.

But I did learn about how some people think.
And the thing I was writing about
About there being a certain type of people.

It's to do with mentality.
Mentality and personality, 
but mostly mentality.

It's kind of like a herd mentality.
Or people would just be gay without the parade.

BECAUSE WHO TF GIVES A SH*T IF YOU'RE GAY?!

Sorry, but I'm not going to celebrate anyone being gay.

It's like gay people saying they are the minority and it's not fair
to be part of a minority.

But it's like people trying to convert others.
Especially from a young age.

One reporter type of host guy asked someone
if they thought that an 8 year old
is old enough to make a decision about their gender.

The guy said yes.

So the reporter host guy asks:
"How about a 5 year old? Are they old enough?"

He said no.

So how is an 8 year old that much more mature
than a 5 year old?

That's what it's actually like out there.
People thinking AND SAYING that they think
that an 8 year old is mature enough to decide their gender.

I'm sorry, but this who "woke" sh*t bugs me.
The pronouns thing.

To me, I'm used to "him" "he" "she" "her."
Not used to they/them.

Or whatever tf else there is.
What bugs me though is how offended they get
that some people don't want to change
their whole reality just to make them feel better.

"I feel so much better about myself
IF EVERYONE USES THE PRONOUNS
I CHOSE FOR MYSELF
BUT I'M GOING TO CORRECT EVERYONE AROUND ME
IF THEY DON'T USE
MY PRONOUNS."

Notice how it only seems to be a thing over here?
In Canada and America?

I don't see any of this in Greece.
Or African countries.

You know what I'm saying though?
The herd mentality to just go along with it.
Because 'it's a thing people are doing.'
Like choosing pronouns.

AND FORCING IT ON OTHERS.

What are we supposed to do?
"Hi my name is A***, what pronouns do you use?"
Is that the second question to ask
after: "What's your name?"

Nice bum, where ya from?
Joking.

Someone at a bus stop asked my mom
how old she was and then she told him
he literally said "nice tits." To my mother.
Just a random guy at a bus stop.

A random guy at a bus stop said something to me
about "I'd lick that clean for you."
He was referring to my crotch ffs.

Wtf is the matter with guys like those?
What if someone spoke to their mother like that?

I'm starting to feel kind of wound down, now.
I made tea, but didn't drink it.

At least I took a bit of a break before going to bed.
Or else I'd keep doing stuff.

But I need to clear my head with some sleep.