Their Issue

It's 7pm here and it feels like 11pm.
It feels like I should be going to bed.

It starts getting dark at around 4pm...
Makes me have to check and double-check the time...

At least we still get sunlight...

It just bugs me WHEN PEOPLE GET MAD AT ME
FOR NOT GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANTED
WHEN THEY NEVER GAF
ABOUT WHAT I WANTED.

Which was very simple.
Just don't f*cking do things to me
YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO DO TO YOU.
And THAT'S the bare minimum
THAT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.

Because why would I do sh*t to them
THAT I WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO DO TO ME?

And yeah, it's disappointing.

But when their BS backfires, WHY BLAME ME FOR IT?
Because they didn't get what they WANTED?

DID I GET WHAT I WANTED?
THE BARE MINIMUM? NO?
SO WHY SHOULD I KEEP WAITING?
FOR WHAT? TO WASTE MY TIME?

More time than I already wasted?

It's one thing to waste my own time, 
but letting someone else waste it...
IS STILL WASTING YOUR OWN TIME.

Because you don't have to let anyone waste it.
At all, let alone keep wasting it.

And if all they want to do
IS THE SAME SH*T OVER AND OVER
LET THEM KEEP F*CKING DOING IT
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE YOU AROUND
TO KEEP DOING IT TO YOU.

Sure, I can have compassion for people
GOING THROUGH ALL KINDS OF SH*T...
Why? I've been through all kinds of shit, myself...

However, just as much as I didn't choose, 
I DID ACTUALLY CHOOSE.

But no, be resentful towards ME
OVER THINGS THAT WERE NOT MY FAULT.
ARE CHOICES OTHERS MADE
MY FAULT?

If they wanted my compassion, understanding etc...
EVEN MY RESPECT,
THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER.

But they literally refused to.

Putting in zero effort, on their part
ISN'T MAKING ANY EFFORT TO CHANGE.
ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE CHANGED.
HAD THEY WANTED TO.

And often, what they got themselves into
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Waiting for me to "just get over it"
TO PUT UP WITH MORE SH*T...

FORCED ME TO WALK AWAY.
BUT BLAME ME FOR FORCING ME?

And when I finally start FEELING BETTER
ABOUT WHERE I'M TAKING MYSELF...

THEN, PEOPLE WANT TO TRY TO FAKE REMORSE?
WHERE WAS THE REMORSE FOR THEIR RECKLESSNESS
WHEN THEY WERE CHOOSING THAT?

I lied to myself ABOUT MYSELF
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FACE MYSELF
OR ANYTHING I DID... EVER.

I'm not the only one who ever did that.
Why would anyone WANT TO look at themselves?
EVEN TO ADMIT THAT THE "MISTAKES" THEY MADE
WERE CHOICES!!!!!

When people FORCE me to walk away...
Due to their own CHOICES or "pattern" of choices,

they try to act like they never gave me a REASON
OR MORE THAN ONE REASON to walk away...

But they counted on me to just "let them get away"
with all their BS.

AND BE THERE FOR THEM, REGARDLESS.
OF ANYTHING THEY DO OR SAY.
TO OR ABOUT ME....

I mean, I could go back to drinking...
For the sake of drinking...
To try to "numb" the pain...

Of all the disappointments, in my life.
Just to "feel better" in the moment.
Just to"feel worse" overall.

Because the "pain" and "disappointments"
ARE STILL GOING TO BE THERE
REGARDLESS IF I CHOOSE TO DRINK, OR NOT.

Unless what? Unless I do something about it?
ABOUT HOW I THINK AND FEEL?
ABOUT EVERYTHING?

Even about myself? 
And what I used to want?
And why I used to want that?

Because I don't have to want what I used to want.
And not for the same reasons I used to want it.
No matter what anyone thinks or feels about it.

But I get accused of "just giving up" on them.
NOBODY SPEAKS ON WHAT FORCED ME
TO WALK AWAY.

WHAT LITERALLY GAVE ME NO CHOICE!

But I just "gave up"? On what? 
Someone who just wanted to force my hand?
Because someone else wanted to try to force theirs?

What if anything was I walking away from, exactly?

Someone putting up with someone else's BS
and bringing their BS into MY life?

Someone letting others INTERFERE.
IN SOMETHING THAT WASN'T THEIR BUSINESS?

Someone letting others LIE to them ABOUT ME?

THAT'S WHAT THE LIARS WANTED ME TO DO.

Instead of TRYING TO CONTROL OTHERS
WITH THREATS LIKE THEY TRIED TO DO TO ME
WHAT AM I DOING? CONTROLLING MYSELF?

Because I HAVE SELF-CONTROL. 

Am I reacting the way they wanted me to?
If I had, they could say "See? Told you she's crazy!"

They literally wanted me to FIGHT.
FOR WHAT? OVER WHAT?
TO GET OR HAVE WHAT?
"CONTROL"?

When all I wanted was for them ALL
to f*cking control themselves.

And to STOP trying to "control" me?
And to STOP trying to "blame" me
FOR THEIR NEED TO CONTROL
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE?

OTHER THAN THEMSELVES?

Should I have to put myself at a "loss"
BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS TO HAVE A TANTRUM?
OVER THINGS THAT ARE NOT THEIR BUSINESS?

But TRY block me from things COMING MY WAY.
AND LASH OUT AT ME ABOUT IT...

AS THOUGH YOU HAVE ANY SAY ABOUT IT.
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO HAVE IT
INSTEAD OF ME?

If they make it 'unfair' for ME
THEY GET IT INSTEAD?

Anyway, I'd rather not deal with ANYONE, PERIOD.

GIRLS WANTING TO FIGHT ME FFS.
WANTING TO BLOCK ME.
THREATEN AND CONTROL ME...


And you can't blame me for walking away from that sh*t.
Actively trying to ruin things between me and someone else.

And that other person F*CKING LETTING THEM DO IT.

TO AVOID A TANTRUM IF THEY DON'T LET THEM?
IF THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT?

LET THEM BE P*SSED OFF
THAT THEY DON'T JUST GET TO DO THAT
JUST BECAUSE THEY F*CKING FELT LIKE IT!

THAT THEY DON'T GET TO TRY TO
RUIN SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

Out of jealousy or whatever else.
Jealous that my feelings were REAL?
That I was being real? Authentic? Genuine?
Do I have the time or desire to be anything else?
BEING FAKE TAKES A LOT OF WORK
AND DOESN'T TURN OUT WELL.


And my karma in the situation
is whatever luck's about to change for ME.
Because there's no run of luck that doesn't run out...

And if you do get 7 years of bad luck
for breaking a mirror...

Then the person whose mirror got broken...
DO THEY GET 7 YEARS OF GOOD LUCK?

Literally wanted to ATTACK ME....
HOW COULD THEY NOT SEE THAT
FOR WHAT IT WAS?

TRYING TO GET IN THE WAY
IN LITERALLY ANY WAY THEY COULD.

But why not let them keep doing that, right?
So they can just keep doing it?

And if you don't? If you take a stand?
ON SOMEONE'S OBSESSION WITH BLOCKING/STOPPING
SOMEONE LIKE ME?

WHO HAD PURE/REAL INTENTIONS?
My intentions are still very real,
TO KEEP WALKING AWAY.

So why do I keep bringing it up?
I don't know why.

There was no real point in fighting for anything
THAT WASN'T FIGHTING FOR ME.

BEING DOWN FOR SOMEONE
WHO WASN'T BEING DOWN FOR ME...

Was down for someone
WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE DOWN FOR ME.

If they didn't feel 'entitled' to do it...
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABOUT IT, AT ALL.

Regardless of the BS, I have a life to live
AND THINGS I'D RATHER BE DOING
FOR MYSELF, WITH MY LIFE.

Despite anyone doing whatever in the background.
Despite their reasons...

They can be angry all they want.
IS IT MY ISSUE THAT THEY ARE?
Or is it THEIR issue that they went that far?