They Never Had To

If I ever gave proof to everyone
HOW I WAS BEING TREATED
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO...

I'd still be pushed into the "she's crazy" box.
Why wouldn't that p*ss me off?

The "other one" supposedly got fired... Today.
The announcement was made at 2:17pm.
Uncanny at this point, right?

But yeah, HAD I WALKED AWAY
THE FIRST F*CKING TIME
I WAS DISRESPECTED, 
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE KEPT DISRESPECTING ME.

And THIS was YET ANOTHER lesson.
Because HAD I walked away, 
THEY'D STILL MAKE UP SOME REASON
TO BLAME ME
AS THOUGH THEY WERE THE ONES
WHO WALKED AWAY, NOT ME.

But should I CARE THAT THEY DO THAT?
OR SHOULD I BE RELIEVED
THAT SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO THAT, 
EXCUSE AND TRY TO JUSTIFY
DOING IT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.

Like HER coming at ME
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO!
DO I GET TO DO EVERYTHING I FEEL LIKE DOING?
JUST BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE DOING IT?

Or would I be excusing my immaturity?
Just because I wanted to do that, too?

And basically, I'd be excusing my immaturity
BY DEFAULT.

But no, DON'T tell anyone
JUST HOW IMMATURE I WAS BEING?
AND WHY I WAS BEING IMMATURE?
AND HOW I WAS BEING IMMATURE?

Because WHY would I want ANYONE to know?
Because people might SEE ME DIFFERENTLY.

And if they care about WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS...
WHY DID THEY NOT CARE WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO?

WOULD THEY HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT?
IF THEY CARED WHAT I THOUGHT?

AND IF THEY WANTED TO KEEP ME
IN THEIR LIFE, THEY WOULD HAVE CARED ABOUT THAT.
AND ABOUT ME, NOT JUST THAT.

They didn't care if I was there or not.
BUT ME NOT SHOWING THAT I CARE
(WHEN I STOP DOING IT DUE TO DISRESPECT)
MEANS I NEVER CARED, AT ALL?

No, they only say that I kicked them out, 
OR I DID THIS OR THAT...
OR I CHOSE NOT TO DEAL WITH THEM
AND THEIR BS ANYMORE...
BS THEY CHOSE TO CHOOSE...

They only tell that side.
NOT ANYTHING THEY DID OR SAID
TO DISRESPECT ME.

Anyone who can't see what they had
WHEN I WAS IN THEIR LIFE
DOESN'T GET TO SEE 
WHAT THEY COULD HAVE HAD
HAD THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME
IN A WAY THAT I WOULD WANT TO BE.

But why not accuse me of doing sh*t to you
THAT I NEVER DID
TO TRY TO "MAKE" ME "LOOK" EVEN "WORSE"?

INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR WHAT THEY CHOSE TO CHOOSE.

People can choose to choose what they choose.
If having me in their life meant
NOT CHOOSING TO CHOOSE DISRESPECT...

You cannot tell me or convince me
THEY DON'T KNOW WTF THEY ARE DOING.
THAT THEY AREN'T CHOOSING TO DO THAT.

Then they think they can just come right back
saying: "Sorry."
BUT WERE THEY SORRY WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT?

Like me telling them, asking them
"DON'T DO THIS."

THEN THEY DO IT, ANYWAY
BECAUSE WHEN I SAID IT
IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER WHY I WAS SAYING IT...

Like "Can you stay out of the kitchen between 5am to 7am?"
THEN THEY WAKE ME UP AT 6AM...
IN THE KITCHEN. I ASKED THEM NOT TO.
THEY COULD HAVE LET ME SLEEP
FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
BUT DID IT MATTER THAT I WANTED TO SLEEP?
OR DID IT ONLY MATTER
WHAT THEY WANTED?

Just because I let anyone stay with me
DOESN'T MEAN THEY GET TO TREAT MY PLACE
LIKE A F*CKING HOTEL
WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME
OR RESPECT ME ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO ME.

Since it doesn't seem to matter what I want
AND DON'T F*CKING WANT
AND THEY WOULDN'T WANT, EITHER...

Should it matter to ME what THEY want?
If they want to keep staying at my place
DOING WHATEVER THEY WANT?
DESPITE WHAT I ASKED THEM NOT TO DO?
DESPITE WHAT THEY KNOW
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR?

Someone said something to me:
DON'T HAVE TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE
TO KEEP ANYONE WARM.

There's only so much I can do for anyone.
IF THEY WANT TO CHOOSE BS
OVER DOING WHAT'S RIGHT...
Am I supposed to "make" them choose
TO DO THE RIGHT THING?
TO HONOR THE POSITION
I EVEN GAVE THEM IN MY LIFE?

TO RECOGNIZE AND APPRECIATE
WHY I EVEN OFFERED ANY OPPORTUNITY
I EVER OFFERED THEM?

Am I supposed to "make" them do those things?
When they choose NOT to do those things?

Or should I just say "well, that was their choice."

THE DISRESPECT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME.
IT NEVER WAS.
BUT I PUT UP WITH IT SO LONG
THAT PEOPLE WANTED TO JUST KEEP DOING IT.

THEN GASLIGHT ME ABOUT THAT?

But if I was pulling in the $$$ they'd want to collaborate?
Then they'd suddenly respect me
FOR MY SUCCESS STORY ALONE?

All the things I chose not to do...
THERE'S A REASON I CHOSE NOT TO DO IT.

Did I choose to be a junky? No?
Maybe that's why I'm not a junky!

Did I choose to be a drunk?
Yeah, I did,
but did I choose not to be, anymore?

It's either YES or No.
Yes, I'm going to quit.
No, I'm not going to go back.

Or...
No, I'm going to keep doing this sh*t.
And repeating the same BS I choose to keep repeating...

Don't have to keep choosing what we chose.
(What anyone wanted us to choose)
(For any reason they wanted us to choose that).
(Or for any reason we chose it in the past).

I chose to drink. That was my choice.
So I can't f*cking blame anything or anyone
OVER MY OWN F*CKING CHOICES.
TO DRINK, TO FEEL AND THINK
HOWEVER I FELT AND THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING, 
TO MAKE EXCUSES TO JUST DO IT
AND KEEP DOING IT.

Why? Because it was MY choice.
It was up to ME, on whether I drank, 
kept drinking, blamed anyone etc.

Since it was up to ME
NOBODY GETS THE BLAME.
EXCEPT FOR ME
FOR MAKING THOSE CHOICES.

And I really don't want to be around anyone
WHO TRIES TO BLAME ME
FOR THEIR F*CKING CHOICES.

Did anyone want to be around me?
Did I even want to be in my own skin?

Can't say I blame them for not wanting to.

But I get blamed for them?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO?
JUST LET THEM TREAT ME
HOWEVER THE F*CK THEY FEEL LIKE IT?

IS IT MY FAULT THEY NEVER REALIZED?
ANYTHING I WAS SAYING MIGHT BE TRUE?
A TRUTH THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE, HEAR, OR ACKNOWLEDGE
ABOUT THEMSELVES
DOESN'T STOP BEING TRUE.

But who am I to shove the truth down their throats?

Even if THE ONE PERSON
YOU REFUSED TO LISTEN TO
REFUSED TO TREAT WITH RESPECT
REFUSED TO DEFEND
REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE

COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT YOU
TO WANT YOU TO WANT BETTER FOR YOURSELF

WHILE NOBODY ELSE GAVE A F*CK.
ABOUT YOU
OR WHAT'D BE GOOD FOR YOU, 
BETTER FOR YOU...

BETTER THAN THE BS YOU CHOOSE, DAILY.

The person WHO NEVER HAD TO GIVE YOU
ANY OF THEIR TIME OR ATTENTION, 
CONSIDERATION, EFFORT,
ANYTHING...

But no, sh*t all over that person
and tell everyone they're "crazy."

The person who WASN'T using you for drugs
or money, or whatever tf else...

BUT LEAVE ALL OF THAT OUT.
ALL OF IT.

There's a saying that applies, here.

Bees don't waste time explaining to flies
why honey's better than sh*t.

I would have been wasting my time
EXPLAINING EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF
TO SOMEONE WHO REFUSED
TO EVEN GROW TF UP!

If he wants to treat sh*t like gold, he can go for that.
BUT HE CAN'T TELL ME HOW SH*TTY IT IS...
EVERYTHING HE CHOSE, HIMSELF.

But at the same time, I can't "make" anyone "realize" anything.
EVEN IF IT'S F*CKING TRUE!!!

EVEN IF THEY COULD CHOOSE BETTER.
IN GENERAL, NOT JUST FOR THEMSELVES...

But they literally wanted to call my bluff
ABOUT WALKING TF AWAY.

JUST TO WHAT? BLAME ME THAT I DID?

Yeah, I'm f*cking disappointed AF.
THAT THEY WOULD EVER GO THERE, WITH ME.
WHEN THEY NEVER HAD TO.