Who's A Scurvy Dawg?

 
Food prices are up there...
I caved and picked up that slicer I wanted to get.
And a few other things...

Mostly, when all my bills are paid,
the rest of my money goes to food.

As I've explained in previous posts, 
I'm on a kick to eat healthier.

I've felt better, physically, than I have in a while.
I still have my days.
Days I'm doing alright, 
and "other" days...

Apart from stuff I've been watching,
I've been crocheting a lot more.

At our meetings, they bring bags of wool
so we can take some and make something with it.

I usually stick with making hats, which I still like to do,
but I've started making "squares" that are 40 x 40.
Once I have a bunch, I can join them together.

I'm finding this an easier way of busting my stash.

There are only a few personal projects I want to finish,

but the rest is for whatever. Doesn't have to be perfect.
It's just going to be donated.

Once, I saw a girl on the bus wearing a hat I made.
That was a nice feeling. 

Been thinking of making more balaclavas.
The first one I made was a pink one.
I wore it a lot when I had a bad breakout
of cystic acne.
I just wanted to hide my entire face.

BESIDES THAT, I LIKE HAVING A WARM FACE
IN THE WINTER.

SCREW FREEZING YOUR VISAGE.
BECAUSE IT SUX.


THE THING THAT GETS ME DURING WINTER
IS THE WINDCHILL.

The wind just makes it so much colder.
Keeping my ears warm, is key.
It gets pretty painful.

Fingers, Toes, Ears, and Nose.

It reminds me of a French song
we were taught at school about winter.

A part of it went:
Frotte, frotte, frotte ton nez pour le rechauffez!

Yes the first e in rechauffez is supposed to have the accent on it.
I don't know how to do that with my keyboard.

Excuser moi, sil vous plait!

The song is a Canadian song from the 1980s
but I was taught that song at school
in the late 80s, very early 90s.

It's about warming up your nose, and your feet.

The other thing I wanted to get was a juicer thing.
I tried it out tonight. It's a sweet treat to have FRESH JUICE.

When I had that coop thing at the warehouse,
WE BOTTLED JUICE.
IT WAS MADE RIGHT THERE.

Imagine your whole job is to squeeze juice?

My job was just to bottle it
and prep the bottles, put the labels on the bottles.

I didn't get to squeeze it with the juice press thing.
Would have been fun, though.

The other thing we did was slice fruit and packaged it.
FOR A WELL KNOWN COMPANY IN THIS CITY.

INSIDE A HUGE REFRIDGERATOR.

Anyway, the juice thingy works well.

So what's this thing about scurvy?
Supposedly it's from lack of vitamin C.

The juicer thing is meant for oranges, citrus fruits.
There's vitamin C in peppers and kiwis too.
Not just oranges and those types of fruits.

But when you don't get enough vitamin C,
you can get scurvy.

Supposedly the price of food up here
is so expensive that a lot of people
aren't eating right.

Well with most of their money going to rent...
It has to get CAPPED
SO THEY CAN'T LEGALLY RAISE IT
ANY HIGHER THAN IT IS.

A couple who make political videos
were saying in one of their videos 
that they HEARD ON THE RADIO
ADS ABOUT MORTGAGES.

Here's some tips:
You can sell your home!

It's like what they told that lady veteran...
WHO'S BEEN WAITING 6 YEARS
JUST TO GET AN ELEVATOR
FOR HER WHEELCHAIR...

And instead of just f*cking doing it for her....
WE'RE WHAT? SENDING MILLIONS
TO OTHERCOUNTRIES.

And they literally told her that she has a right
to medically assisted death...

BUT NOT TO ANY HELP FOR HER?

Stuff like that p*sses me off.

THEY CAN MAGICALLY PULL OUT THE MONEY
TO PAY THEIR OWN COMPANIES.
OR JUST GIFT TO OTHER COUNTRIES
BUT WHERE TF IS IT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR VETRANS?
 
Why do they literally have to fight for any rights or benefits?

All kinds of gaming the system is going on
within the system.
HOW DOES IT TAKE YEARS
TO RECOGNIZE A PERMANENT DISABILITY
WHEN SOMEONE GETS THEIR LEG BLOWN OFF?

But I'm telling you, people are probably claiming kids
that aren't theirs to claim benefits for them etc.

Look at what happened when people were claiming
the Covid benefits...
So many people claimed it that weren't eligible for it.
NOT JUST ONCE. OVER AND OVER.

But notice how nobody's said anything about that?
Nobody's talking about that. Yet.

It's as though a lot of stuff never happened.
Will that be PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE?

The only reason I even know about it
was because someone told me their neighbors
caught heat over doing it.
That's the risk of getting caught doing that.

SO BETTER NOT EVEN DO IT.
BECAUSE WHEN IT GOES LEFT,
AND YOU'RE ALREADY IN IT,
YOU'RE ALREADY IN IT. Y'KNOW?

SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
ALMOST DID IT, BUT GLAD I DIDN'T.

MATURITY IS REFLECTING
ON ALL THE THINGS YOU WISH YOU NEVER DID
AND REALIZING YOU NEVER HAD TO DO
ANY OF IT.

The other side of it is knowing
that you didn't have to
AND KNOWING WHAT WAS REALLY
DRIVING YOU. AT THE TIME.

WHEN THAT PART "DIES"
THE PART THAT WAS DRIVEN
BY WHATEVER IT WAS, AT THE TIME...

THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE "FREE" OF THAT.
OF EVERYTHING THAT WENT WITH "THAT."

WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.

It's SHAME THAT DRIVES IT OUT.
IT'S EITHER THE SHAME THAT THEY WOULD FEEL
IF THEY DID IT THAT'S ENOUGH TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM DOING SOMETHING.
OR THE SHAME THEY FEEL AS A RESULT
OF REFLECTING ON OUR OWN BEHAVIOR.

Some people GET IT. Because they have that capacity.
I was watching a crime show where they interrogated
a guy who came in to report himself.

They were saying how sociopaths try to rationalize
certain things in certain ways for certain reasons.

Although it made sense in a f*cked up way,
IT'S STILL F*CKED UP.

TO THINK LIKE THAT.

EVEN THOUGH I CAN SEE HOW THAT WORKS
IN THEIR MIND, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THAT.

If it wasn't for a bunch of BS of the last 6-8 years...
I'd rather have not have to have had 
learned like that, from that.

BUT I AM DIFFERENT NOW
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THAT BS
WHEN SEVERAL PEOPLE
COULD HAVE JUST MINDED THEIR OWN BUSINESS.

There was a variety of different things.

And remember that thing that I told you
THAT I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING?

STANDING IN MY OWN WAY?
YEAH... THAT.

It was painful having that going on.
Obviously, it was for a reason, several.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE COULD HAVE
JUST BACKED OFF...

But when people want to be
WILLFULLY BLIND TO THINGS,
THEY'LL FIGHT THEMSELVES
TO EVEN SEE WHAT THEY COULD HAVE SEEN
HAD THEY JUST LISTENED...

THE FIRST TIME I SAID SOMETHING.

BUT IT WAS ABOUT "WINNING"
WHICH IT WASN'T FOR ME,
BUT FOR THEM, YEAH.

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO "WIN."
BECAUSE THAT MEANT THEY "LOST."

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LOSE?
ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S EGO IS VERY FRAGILE.
TOO FRAGILE TO "LOSE."

ESPECIALLY TO SOMEONE
WHO WASN'T ABOUT WINNING ANYTHING.

BUT I COULD HAVE HAD WHAT I COULD HAVE HAD.
IF THEY WEREN'T BEING DRIVEN BY
WHAT THEY WERE BEING DRIVEN BY.
GREED, JEALOUSY, ETC.

OVER SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T HAVE
AND WOULDN'T HAVE
HAD THEY JUST NOT GOTTEN IN MY WAY.
TRYING TO PLAY GAMES
IN MY LIFE.

but winning meant HAVING everything
THAT SUPPOSEDLY CAME WITH IT.

IT WASN'T EVER ABOUT ANY OF THAT.
THAT WASN'T WHAT WAS DRIVING ME.

What I wanted was for him to see something.
THAT HAD TO BE INTERUPTED AT ALL COSTS.
ALL THAT MANIPULATION AND PROJECTION SH*T.

It became a game about painting me a type of way.
TO SWAY SOMEONE
WHO "WANTED TO FIT IN"
WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE AGAINST ME
AND LYING ETC.

As far as I know that hadn't happened before.
I don't think like that so I wasn't thinking
that any of that would have went down.

Or for the reasons they did...

But the "power plays" people try to use
to dominate someone they think they can dominate...

It wasn't to dominate anyone, on my mind.
But when they think you're trying to take
something away from them
when it's not even their choice...
THEY'LL TRY TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU.
EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT THEIR CHOICE.

Females... They can be pretty vindictive to other females.
That's how a lot of sh*t went down before.
BUT HAD IT BEEN ME DOING IT TO THEM...
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

BUT THEY COMPETE FOR NO OTHER REASON
THAN TO COMPETE.

IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.
THAT'S GROSS.


Anyway, that was supposed to open my eyes
TO THE THINGS THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN.
OVER THINGS THAT AREN'T THEIR BUSINESS.

BUT WHEN YOU HAD REAL INTENTIONS
FOR REAL REASONS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL BAD
ABOUT ANY OF THE BS THEY'RE ABOUT
FOR THE REASONS THEY'RE ABOUT IT.

And usually that happens BECAUSE YOUR INTENTIONS
WERE REAL.
BECAUSE HAD THEY JUST LET HIM REALIZE THINGS
WITHOUT TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK 
OR SEEM SOME TYPE OF WAY...

THEN HE COULD HAVE MADE A DIFFERENT CHOICE
AND THEY KNEW THAT.

THAT'S WHY THEY JUST "COULDN'T" 
LET THAT HAPPEN.

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE "OVER"
AND I'D BE THE ONE "GETTING"
WHAT THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO "HAVE."
WHEN IT WASN'T ABOUT GETTING OR HAVING.
IT WAS ABOUT BEING.

BUT NOW THAT THINGS ARE WHAT THEY ARE
BECAUSE WHATEVER HAS TO BE HARD FOR ME
HAVE TO BE HARDER THAN FOR OTHERS
BECAUSE THIS TYPE OF STUFF
SHOULD JUST BE ALLOWED TO FLOW.
AND THEY WOULD HAVE
BECAUSE THERE WASN'T ANY REASON NOT TO
SO THEY LIED. STRAIGHT UP.

Because what would hurt the most? A lie?
To build tension and mistrust?

WHEN THERE WASN'T ANYTHING ON MY END.
I was upfront about what I wanted.
It was very simple with me.

But it's also NOT MY FAULT
IF SOMEONE'S NOT USED TO THAT
AND THINKS THERE'S SOME CATCH
WHEN THERE ISN'T. NEVER WAS.

THE POINT WAS TO GET HIM TO TREAT ME
LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING
SOME REASON... ANY REASON.
TO SEE ME AS ANYTHING OTHER
THAN WHAT OR WHO I AM.

OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T HAVE, CORRECT?
AND WHY WOULD THEY WANT THAT?

But it was his choice.
It's not like I can choose clarity for anyone.
EVEN IF I TELL SOMEONE 20 TIMES
THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH...
IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME...
OR IF THEY DO BUT SOMEONE ELSE
DOESN'T WANT THEM TO...

IS THAT MY CHOICE?
IF THEY CHOSE NOT TO LISTEN?

But there has to get to a point
WHERE I HAD TO DECIDE
WHETHER I WAS GOING TO WAIT
KEEP WAITING
FOR SOMEONE TO REALIZE
I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME.

OR... IF I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO HANG BACK
AND SEE HOW IT'D UNFOLD.

Besides that, I'm doing what I'm choosing to do.
By fixing my diet, and other stuff...

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN JUST ABOUT TO
LOSE MY MIND.

NOT OVER THAT, BUT ALL OF IT AT ONCE.
FREAKING NOT EASY.

But I was thinking about it yesterday.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE BY YOURSELF
AND SPEND TIME ALONE
TO REIGNITE THINGS FOR YOURSELF.

TO START TO FEEL LIKE YOURSELF AGAIN.
OR EVEN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE...

And there's NOTHING wrong with that.

BUT I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE
THAN BE ACCUSED OF SH*T I NEVER DID.
LIED ABOUT. SLANDERED, ETC.
ALL MY LIFE.

ALL BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
WANTED TO KEEP 2 PEOPLE APART.
NO MATTER WHAT.

BUT THEY DIDN'T COUNT ON ME
JUST DOING WHAT I HAVE TO
AFTER SEEING IT ALL LOL.

AND ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS JUST LISTEN.
AND REALIZE WHO WAS DOING WHAT AND WHY.