Since I Quit Drinking

Well, things are what they are. I guess. 
That's what I meant about acceptance "as a fact."
DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN I ACCEPT
WHAT HAPPENED.

DOESN'T MEAN THAT WHAT HAPPENED
WAS/IS ACCEPTABLE.

BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.

That's how a lot of things stopped ruining my life.
Well, that and I was letting it.

It is what it is until it was what it was.
I wanted to write "just that"
but it's not "just that."

It's a combination of things, but that's the basis.

That's the difference between:

THIS'LL SUCK FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY
AND I'LL NEVER HAVE ANY PEACE
OR MY SANITY IS GONE
AND I'LL NEVER HAVE IT BACK

AND -

THAT REALLY SUCKED.
BUT HAD IT NOT HAPPENED
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY
TO LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO
GRAB HOLD OF MYSELF TIGHT ENOUGH
TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF THAT. 


Because sh*t happens we didn't see coming
and we have to "cope" until we power through it.

Well, as a former alcoholic, let me tell you about coping.
I used to think that I 'needed' alcohol to 'cope.'
Turns out that I don't. Haven't had any for 10 years.

It came down to a decision.
I'd quit drinking (for good) or I'd keep
trying to 'use it' 
and try to make excuses to 'use it'
to 'cope.'

In theory, it's that simple.
CHANGING YOUR MIND ABOUT IT
IS THE ISSUE.

I DON'T LOOK AT DRINKING
THE WAY I USED TO.

I DON'T THINK ABOUT DRINKING
THE WAY I USED TO.

Now, drinking is just drinking.
Years I won't get back.
Money I won't get back.

Some familiar "place."
The place of using my own feelings
and excuses to keep feeling like that.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!

HOW COULD I?
WHAT WAS I DOING ABOUT ANYTHING?

STICKING AROUND FOR IT TO GET BETTER? DID IT?
OR DID PEOPLE JUST TAKE ME FOR GRANTED?

THE FACT THAT I WAS EVEN THERE!
To be treated like I wasn't!

I'D RATHER NOT BE THERE.
THAN TO BE TREATED LIKE I'M NOT.

To be treated like I only matter when they want something.
From me. AND LOOK HOW THEY ACT
WHEN I STOP GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT!

They act like that because that's all they wanted in the first place!
That's all that mattered! Not me as a person.
Or my phone would ring. "Hi A***, how are you?"

NOT JUST MISSING THE THINGS I USED TO DO.
NOT JUST MISSING THE THINGS I USED TO GIVE.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THINGS WERE EASY.
SO EASY THEY TOOK FOR GRANTED
HOW EASY I MADE IT
AND TRIED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.

OR ELSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE
ASKED FOR SO MUCH, ALL THE TIME.

THEY WOULD HAVE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED.
WHICH WAS TO JUST NOT BE TREATED LIKE A BANK.
OR A WHATEVER.

A guy asked me to come to his place
TO CLEAN FOR A PARTY 
I WASN'T INVITED TO.

A so called friend.
Sure, nobody has to invite me.

It's just like when my friend had me 
around his other friends
and ALL of them but me
were going to do something TOGETHER
and I wasn't invited,
THEY ALL TALKED ABOUT IT
LIKE I WASN'T THERE.

Why not talk about it WHEN I'M NOT THERE?
NOT IN FRONT OF ME
AS THOUGH I'M NOT?

I used to want to feel INCLUDED.
BUT EVERY TIME I WANTED JUST THAT
I COULDN'T HAVE IT FOR WHATEVER REASON.

AND OTHER PEOPLE GOT SO JEALOUS
OF ME JUST HAVING THAT
THAT THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE THAT.

WHICH IS F*CKED UP.
MY LIFE ISN'T THEIR BUSINESS.

BUT IT'S LIKE IF I HAD IT,
THEY WOULDN'T.

SO THEY WANT TO COMPETE
FOR WHAT? ACCEPTANCE?
OR SOMETHING SOMEONE'S BEING GREEDY ABOUT?

Because if there's no greed there,
WOULD IT MATTER IF I ONLY WANTED THAT?

NO, BECAUSE IT'D JUST BE EASY
JUST TO HAVE THAT.

WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING TO STAND IN THE WAY.

But you have that happen so many times...
WHY WANT THAT ANYMORE?
HAVEN'T I SHOWN MYSELF 
THAT I AM OKAY WITHOUT IT?

WHO WOULD WANT TO BE INCLUDED BY PEOPLE
WHO TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE NOT THERE?

And no, I don't like being the center of attention.
In 'real life' I'm awkward and quiet etc.

BUT I DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.
I WAS TAUGHT NOT TO DO THAT.

And you'd think that IF YOU HAVE THE DECENCY
NOT TO DO THAT TO SOMEONE
AND THEY KNOW YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT
THAT THEY WOULD HAVE THE SAME DECENCY
NOT TO DO THAT TO YOU.

It bugs me TO WRITE about that stuff.
BUT IT BUGS ME MORE THAT IT SEEMS I HAVE TO
EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN'T.

The things that have happened to me...
Most people can't imagine it.
Why? BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO THEM!

THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME JUST AS MUCH!
IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO THEM.

SO HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?
HOW COULD THEY IMAGINE?

But am I supposed to try to use
EVERY SH*TTY THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING?

Because pretty sure that I don't NEED TO DO THAT.
PRETTY SURE THEY DON'T, EITHER.
LET ALONE TO ME.

I used to use all kinds of sh*tty things
as an excuse to drink.

DID IT CHANGE ANYTHING?

Someone put it to me this way:
CRYING ABOUT ANYTHING ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE IT.

IT SUCKS HEARING IT, BUT IT'S TRUE.
IT'S EVEN INSENSITIVE, BUT IT'S TRUE.

I mean I could use all those things to choose to be bitter.
THAT I WASN'T TREATED
THE WAY I WANTED TO BE TREATED.
WHEN THERE WASN'T A REASON
TO TREAT ME THE WAY THEY DID.

BECAUSE DID I DO THAT TO THEM?
WOULD I? I WOULDN'T? WHY, THOUGH.

Besides that, I was too comfortable with my excuses.
My excuses to drink, excuses to be upset all the time,
to stay exactly where I was.

Have I made leaps and bounds? Not exactly.
But I'd like to think I've made some progress.
Since I quit drinking.

But at least I'm doing my own thing.
AND NOT HANGING MY LIFE
ON 'BELONGING' WITH 'FRIENDS'
WHO'D EVER TREAT ME THE WAY THEY DID!