Mandatory Treatment

There's been talks about mandatory drug treatment
for the minors who are addicted to the government heroin.

Safe supply.
Because nobody knows
if it's being cut with fentanyl.

It's so lethal that you might die
from just coming in contact with it.
Fentanyl.

Someone I smoked a joint with
and ate some berries with...
And talked with, once.

He told me he almost died
from a fentanyl overdose.

He was saved but he was mad they saved him.
As though just being dead would have been better
for whatever he was choosing for himself.
BUT I KNOW THAT FEELING.
AND I'VE KNOWN IT SO LONG
THAT IT DIDN'T SEEM TO WANT 
TO GO AWAY.

But I'm learning to handle my emotions way better.
Than I had the skills to before,
but it's not just skills, it's will.

Because I could just let myself "suffer"
from all the feelings I've been used to.

Or I could decide that I've already
done my fair share of that, in my life.

Because if our trauma defined us,
I'd just be the girl who's father killed himself.

Or just be the girl who's abcd did efgh... xyz.

Not the girl who realized a whole bunch of things
that nobody actually got that I realized.

Or mad at me because it didn't take me
my whole life to realize things

that maybe could have been explained to me.
BY WHO, THOUGH?

And would I have listened?
Or would I be the one who just kept suffering?
Only because I was used to that?

Sure, it's a sh*tty thing to be used to.
I know it is. I've been there.
But how does it feel?

Doesn't it feel better achieving things
that the old you didn't have the focus to do?
All because you were focused on things
that didn't actually matter?

For me, it feels better just eating better.
Eating fresher, too.

Still don't eat enough, but at least eating more.
And trying new things.

Tonight I tried a fry cutter tool thing I got.
It takes quite a bit of work 
and I was putting my full weight on it.

But what I tried was using a different oil
to coat the fries and then bake them.

Someone brought stir fry oil here.
The fries were yam fries.

I also made a dip for them.

I don't mind ketchup,
but I tend to only put it on a few things.
NOT ON MAC AND CHEESE. 

On eggs, steak, sausages, sometimes hotdogs.
Mustard and mayo and onions on hotdogs.

Anyway, I'm laying off the mayo for a bit.
So I made a dip with sour cream for my fries.
Sour cream and taco seasoning lol.

When I was a kid my grandparents loved
plain chips dipped in an onion soup and sour cream dip lol.

I got cheese salsa for sandwiches with the flat bread. 
But I also had an idea to make veg pizza on the flat bread.
And put the cheese salsa on the bread
instead of pizza sauce.

That's what I'm saying. You can try new things.
When you decide that you're done suffering.
ESPECIALLY OVER THINGS
THAT HAD A LOT TO DO WITH OTHER PEOPLE,
BUT PROBABLY HAD TO DO WITH SOMETHING
YOU NEEDED TO LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF.

Because it's not all them, it's us, too.
BUT LEARN WHEN AND WHY
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STICK AROUND
ESPECIALLY WHEN PEOPLE DO THINGS
TO TRY TO MANIPULATE YOU.

I don't have to do anything to manipulate anyone.
BECAUSE WHAT DID I EVER WANT
FROM ANYONE?

EVEN IF I WANTED ANYTTHING,
I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO MANIPULATE
ANYONE TO TRY TO GET IT.

Nobody has the right to do that.
Whenever anyone did that to me, 
I knew right away that they'd keep doing it.

Like trying to make me feel bad
about speaking up for myself.

That's a stupid manipulation thing.
And guilt, too.

I knew a guy who'd try to make me feel bad
for not chatting with him on another platform.

Because he was trying to get me to for a long time.
I didn't like the fact he was trying to get me to.

And when I got busy doing life stuff
he'd try to make me feel bad and guilty
for not chatting as much as he wanted to.

It felt awkward and controlling.
And emotionally manipulative.
It turned me off.

There are some people who I think about, a lot.
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT I NEED TO BE UP ANYONE'S *SS.

What would be perfect for me is to be independent.
Learn to cook a few things well, eat more veg.
Now that it's not a chore, it's just something to do.

But if I were to "be" with anyone,
they'd have to understand that I still have a live.
A life to share, yes, but mine is still mine.
Just like theirs is still theirs.

Mutual understandings = mutual respect.

Should want control over ourselves, not others.
Because they should want to control themselves.

But just because they should want to
doesn't mean that they do.

Something I heard today about caffeine.
It prevents a neurotransmitter to be absorbed
or whatever because it gets blocked.

But all the ones that get blocked are piled up
and when the caffeine wears off they flood
the receptors.
THAT ACCOUNTS FOR THE CRASH
BECAUSE THE RECEPTORS
ARE BOMBARDED
WITH THE ONES THAT PILED UP.

The ones that make people feel tired.

Then they just want more caffeine
BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE FEELING LIKE THAT.
BUT IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING
BUT BOMBARD YOUR RECEPTORS LOL.

AND MAKES YOU FEEL THE WAY IT DOES.
UNTIL YOU CRASH.

But that's what it's like with drinking.
It only makes you feel the way you feel
until you crash.

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU GET SICK.

I DON'T MISS THE PUKING.
Or any of the stupid things I did.
Or why I did any of those things.

I miss the time I wasted lol.

There's a couple of chat room stories.
Someone asked me how I was doing.
So I asked him how he was doing.
In front of the whole room
he said something about suicide
and a guy in the room said his father died
that way... The way the guy was talking about.

1) Don't do that.
2) That's why.

That's not how my father did it,
but I'm pretty sure that dude
who's father did do that
DIDN'T NEED TO BE REMINDED OF IT.
CHAT IS TO BE AN ESCAPE FROM THAT.

I was going to say something a type of way,
but then realized that I mean it in a different way
so there's probably another way of putting it.

It's about suffering.
It's something we experience
without choosing to experience.

So we just know the experience itself, 
not what to do with the experience.

The way I learned to deal with it is this:
There's me, then there's my experiences.
My experiences don't have to have
anything to do with who I want to be.
Or what I want to be like.

It's not up to my experiences to decide that.
That's up to me.

Here's something else I was reading somewhere....
"Write your depression a letter like it was a person."
You can do that with any emotion, thought, mental state etc.
EVEN YOUR EXPERIENCES.

You can have conversations with those.
AND CONFRONT THEM.

THEN, CONFRONT YOURSELF.

INSTEAD OF SUFFERING.
BECAUSE IT'S AN OPTION.

Someone told me this:
She said that after her divorce she couldn't stop crying.
Someone told her to go see a doctor.
The doctor literally told her
that she was feeling sorry for herself.

Doctors don't have the right to tell you that.
Even if it's true.
Because that could be taken the wrong way.
BUT IT COULD ALSO BE TAKEN THE RIGHT WAY.

BECAUSE IT'S SO EASY TO JUST FEEL SORRY
FOR OURSELVES AND SETTLE IN WHAT WE GOT USED TO
JUST BECAUSE WE GOT USED TO IT.

INCLUDING "PRACTICED" EMOTIONS.
I WAS GOOD AT GETTING AND BEING ANGRY.
BECAUSE I HAD EXPERIENCE IN THAT.

But here's something:
If you "practice" other emotions,
you get good at them.
BECAUSE YOU EXPERIENCE THEM
WHEN YOU PRACTICE THEM.

That's how people can enhance skills,
sharpen abilities etc.

But yes, participating in your own progress
REQUIRES EFFORT.

AND LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU CAN SET YOURSELF UP
TO SET YOURSELF UP.

It's assisting yourself to assist yourself.
Getting ready to get yourself ready etc.

To make it just slightly easier.
So that you can thank yourself later.

Because what's wrong with that?
Or with wanting to do that for yourself?

So that's what the food prep is for me.
That's what eating better is for me.
That's what writing is for me,
but writing's a thing on it's own.

Of course there are set backs, but I don't have to
set myself back with old programming etc.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE
FOR A PATTERN YOU GOT USED TO.

DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE SOMEONE EXPECTS YOU TO.

AND IF YOU'RE DOING IT
TO TRY TO PROVE SOMETHING,
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?

Yourself or someone else?
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE PROVING IT TO YOURSELF.

BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO PROVE SOMETHING
TO SOMEONE, IT MIGHT NOT EVER BE ENOUGH.
AND IF IT ISN'T,
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FOR THEM.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FOR THE PERSON
IT'S BEEN MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR.
EVEN IF THAT PERSON IS YOU.

That's when YOU complete YOU.
AND YOU WON'T EVER 'SUFFER'
LIKE THAT FEELING YOU HAD BEFORE THAT.

I signed up for some of the sh*t I went through
BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO WENT
FOR WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED.

I didn't have to. I did anyway.
Did I learn? Yeah. 

But the point is to transmute it.
Not to be consumed by any of it.

Because that's too easy.
AND DOES IT FEEL GOOD?