Headaches Suck

Probably my medication.
Been eating better, though.
So it can't be that.

"Grazing" seems to be my thing.
Eating snacks, not chowing down on full blown meals.

But I've been trying new things.
I'm going to make some honey garlic sauce
for the carrots I chopped up today.

I made a cheese sauce.
It's to add to some rice later.

I also boiled up some apple and pear.
I mixed it with some yogurt.

When my head hurts, I don't feel like eating.
Well, most of the time I don't.

Getting used to cooking more
means I have to get used to eating more.

But what I will do when I get more storage containers,
I'll just spend a day cooking up stuff for the week.

I watched a movie today that made me think of someone
I used to talk with. Just a friend.

His ex wife went into his account
and was talking sh*t to me and blocked me.
I know he wouldn't do that.

She had the audacity to get jealous and possessive of him.
AFTER HE CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON HIM.
AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH,
SHE DRAINED THEIR JOINT ACCOUNT.

But he and I were only friends.
When I messaged him, he thought I was a dude.

I guess he got hit on by dudes because he's muscular.
AND THAT'S WHY SHE ASSUMED I WAS TALKING TO HIM.
TO TRY TO GET IN HIS PANTS FFS.

For one, that isn't a thing I look for. In a guy.
Cool, that's his thing, whatever.

Anyway, the guy in the movie
has the same name as him, looks a bit like him.

And it's a jail movie.

He contacted me after he got out of jail.
He told me he thought about me when he was locked up.

His ex wife apparently was reading our conversations.
Jealous females seem to look for things to be jealous about...

He was more thinking about the conversations we had.
Than about me.

Just that we had candid conversations.
That kind of a connection is rare.
No agendas. Just pure intentions.

I still think about him but she should have had
THE DECENCY TO LET HIM LIVE HIS LIFE.

SHE FORFEITED AND 'RIGHT' TO BE JEALOUS
WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID.

Every time I had a male friend who had ended something
with a jealous female,
THE JEALOUS FEMALE WOULD READ MY CONVERSATIONS
WITH MY FRIEND AND ASSUME SH*T
AND LITERALLY WOULD GO OFF THE RAILS.

FOR CONTROL OVER HIM.
AND HIS INTERACTIONS WITH ME.
THAT WEREN'T ANYTHING BEYOND 
HAVING MERE CONVERSATIONS.

But it's always some jealous girl
WHO CHEATED ON THE GUY.
DID PETTY SH*T TO HIM...

HOW PETTY IS IT TO BLOCK SOMEONE
ON SOMEONE ELSE'S ACCOUNT?

HOW IMMATURE IS THAT?
HOW INSECURE DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO BE?

But they get all infuriated at any sign of potential.
EVEN WHEN ALL I'VE BEEN IS A FRIEND.

THE DUDE LIVES IN THE USA FFS.

DID SHE THINK I WAS GOING TO SHOW UP
AT HIS DOOR OR SOMETHING?

SHE SEEMED TO THINK I HAD AN AGENDA.

What's funny is that the ones who think that I think like that,
ARE THE ONES WHO THINK LIKE THAT.

There a couple of guys I still think about.
Friendships I had to... Surrender.
Because of jealous females and that kind of sh*t.

THE THING WITH ME IS THAT WHEN IT IS OVER WITH SOMEONE,
IT'S OVER. THAT MEANS I HAVE NO 'RIGHTS' TO ANYTHING.
TO FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE DOES
OR WHO HE DOES IT WITH.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS.
IT STOPPED BEING MY BUSINESS THE SECOND IT WAS 'OVER.'

The thing with being 'nosey' enough to read private conversations...
IS THE ACT OF CROSSING BOUNDARIES.

AND ONE EVEN WENT AS FAR AS TO THREATEN 
THE BOTH OF US IF SHE SEES US TOGETHER.

THE POINT WAS TO CAUSE AS MANY INTERFERENCES
AS SHE COULD.

EVERY TIME WE MADE PLANS TO MEET UP,
SHE KNEW ABOUT IT
BECAUSE SHE WAS READING OUR MESSAGES!

AND HE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME ABOUT IT
BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T XYZ...

SHE WOULDN'T?
JUST LIKE SHE WOULDN'T THREATEN YOU?
OR GO BEHIND YOUR BACK
TO TRY TO GET YOU LOCKED UP?
TO TRY TO GET YOU AWAY FROM ME? LOL.

OR LIE TO YOU ABOUT ME
TO TRY TO GET YOU TO HATE ME? LOL.

But don't listen to me when I tell you that.
Among other things.

And if you want to put up with that sh*t,
THAT'S YOU PUTTING UP WITH IT.

If the chick CHEATS ON YOU AND STEALS FROM YOU.
WHETHER IT'S MONEY, DRUGS, OR OPPORTUNITIES...

SHE'S IN IT FOR HERSELF. NOT FOR YOU.
That should be OBVIOUS.
EVERYTHING SHE WAS DOING SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS.
JUST AS OBVIOUS AS WHY SHE WAS DOING IT.

Like cheats on you to try to make YOU jealous.
BUT GETS JEALOUS WHEN YOU DECIDE TO MOVE ON?
WHY NOT MOVE ON?
ISN'T CHEATING A GOOD ENOUGH REASON?

Then gets jealous when you do!

It's like a guy who knew I wanted to be with him
AND WANTED TO TRY TO MAKE ME JEALOUS
WITH OTHER GIRLS
BUT ALL IT DID WAS TURN ME OFF.
AND WHEN I MOVE ON... HE SUDDENLY 
DECIDES TO "CARE"?

ONLY BECAUSE I'M NOT AROUND
TO F*CKING PLAY WITH ANYMORE LOL.

THEN HE CAN WONDER WHO I'M WITH.
*SPOLIER ALERT* I DON'T HAVE TO BE WITH ANYONE.

WITH ALL THESE JEALOUS FEMALES
TRYING TO THREATEN ME
BECAUSE THEY FEEL THREATENED BY ME...

STALKING ME THROUGH MY MESSAGES ETC.

Could even be stalking me through my blog, who knows?
But "no, she's not like that... She wouldn't..."
WOULDN'T SHE? BECAUSE SHE DID...

To cross one boundary like reading messages...
SAYS THAT'S NOT AN ISSUE.

BUT SHE WOULD HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT
IF I WAS THE ONE DOING IT. TO HER.

But how many times do you tell someone about that?
UNTIL THEY REALIZE WHAT WAS GOING ON?
BUT NO, BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT WAS SAID
ABOUT ME TO DISTRACT YOU FROM ME LOL.

People who are sneaky enough to do that sh*t
WILL LIE ABOUT IT TO HIDE THE FACT THEY ARE DOING IT.
AND TO HIDE THE REASONS THEY ARE DOING IT.

BECAUSE THE REASONS FOR DOING IT
EVEN WHEN THEY TRY TO USE THEM TO JUSTIFY
DOING IT...

ARE JUST AS BAD AS DOING IT.

The same guy said to me:
I only want what I can't have.
I have FOMO.

Well, what are you going to be missing out on, now?
NOW THAT I'M NOT AROUND TO PLAY WITH?

GIRLS WON'T STICK AROUND FOREVER.
APPRECIATE THEM WHILE THEY ARE.
OR YOU WILL LOSE THEM.

And good girls who would have been LOYAL TO YOU.
AREN'T THE EASIEST TO FIND.
WHO WEREN'T ALL IN IT FOR THEMSELVES
FOR ANYTHING THEY COULD GET FROM YOU.
WHO ONLY JUST WANTED TO BE
WITH YOU.
THAT'S IT.

Don't make the mistake of thinking girls like these
WILL JUST DROP OUT OF THE SKY
AND DROP RIGHT INTO YOUR LAP.
INTO YOUR ARMS.

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE A MISTAKE.

But when it's time to LET SOMEONE GO.
JUST LET THEM GO.
MOVE ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE.

LET HIM/HER BE HAPPY
WITH SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS
TO BE WITH THEM. FOR THEM.

I mean if you decide to CHEAT ON THEM...
YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR THEM.

SO IF YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR THEM,
YOU CAN'T SAY F*CK ALL
ABOUT WHO THEY TALK TO/SPEND TIME WITH ETC.

But you can't blame THE PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE WITH THEM
FOR THE PERSON YOU CHEATED ON MOVING ON
WITH THEIR LIFE WITHOUT YOU.
YOU DON'T OWN THE PERSON.
THEY CAN MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES.

THEY WERE A PERSON BEFORE THEY MET YOU...
THEY'LL BE A PERSON AFTER YOU BREAK UP.

But what goes through their mind
IS THE PERSON HAVING THE "MOMENTS"
WITH THE NEW PERSON 
THAT THEY USED TO HAVE WITH YOU.

ONLY POTENTIALLY BETTER 
THAN THEY HAD WITH YOU.
WITH ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.
BECAUSE THE NEW PERSON
PROBABLY WOULDN'T TREAT THEM
THE WAY YOU DID.

That's where the jealousy comes from.
That's why females tend to get territorial.

WHICH IS GROSS.
THE DUDE IS A PERSON.
NOT PROPERTY THAT BELONGS TO YOU.

A PERSON WHO HAS A RIGHT
TO MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES.
EVEN IF THE CHOICE DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU.

Sure, it hurts when it ends.
BUT IF IT ENDS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU DID,
THEN, THAT WAS ON YOU.
NOT ON THE "NEW GIRL" OR "THE NEW GUY."

You don't get to "lose it" over them taking YOUR PLACE.
BECAUSE BEING OVER MEANS
IT'S NOT YOU PLACE, ANYMORE.

Because I UNDERSTAND ALL OF THAT,
I DON'T HAVE TO GO INTO SOME IMMATURE
"JEALOUS RAGE" 
WHEN SOMEONE IS MOVING ON WITH THEIR LIFE.

IF I STILL HAVE "LOVING" FEELINGS, I CAN WISH THEM WELL.
Even for my sake, just wish them well. Y'know?
Even if they did you dirty.
EVEN IF THEY HAVE INSANE AUDACITY.

Because, to wish them well is to wish yourself well.
So when I think of someone, I just let that thought drift.

INSTEAD OF BEING INTENSELY INFURRIATED.
BECAUSE WHEN YOUR ATTENTION IS ON THAT,
IT'S NOT ON MANY OTHER THINGS...

Back then, I wanted the success, I wasn't ready for it.
I wasn't ready for a lot of the changes that rippled though my life.
People want to talk about anxiety 
but not knowing what group home you're going to next...
AND LEGALLY, YOU COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T OLD ENOUGH
TO BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CUSTODY OF YOURSELF.

In some ways I wasn't prepared for the things I wanted.
AND HOW TO PREPARE MYSELF
WASN'T ON MY MIND.

THE THINGS I THOUGHT I WANTED.
HOW I THOUGHT I'D FEEL IF I HAD WHAT I WANTED.

BUT IT WASN'T ABOUT THE THING
THAT I THOUGHT I WANTED.

EVEN THOUGH I WANTED CERTAIN EXPERIENCES...
IT WASN'T THE RIGHT TIME FOR THAT.

I WASN'T TO A PLACE WHERE I COULD DIG MYSELF OUT.
I'M STARTING TO, BUT I'M BETTER EQUIPPED
BECAUSE OF THE THINGS THAT I LEARNED FROM.
WHETHER I WANTED TO OR NOT.

Wanting to learn feels better than learning the hard way.
Like we don't have to walk on glass to see why
that wouldn't be a good idea.

Yet, most of us do some form of that.

Besides, what use would I be as a partner
with headaches like these?
Hurts so much that I feel sick.

And try to explain that to people
who are so lucky that they take for granted
not having that....

On my good days, I probably take it for granted.
That I don't feel the pain lol.

When it gets this painful,
all I want is to release the pressure..
Deep at the base of my skull and my temples.

I'm making some rice. Making food
for when I feel okay to eat it.