That's Very Serious

I ended up at the courthouse looking for a lawyer.
The cops sent me to see Duty Counsel.
I EXPLAINED THE SITUATION.
COMPLETE SITUATION.
"NOTHING WE CAN DO."
They TOLD ME TO GET A F*CKING PEACE BOND.

So I went to talk to the cops, again.
TO SEE IF A PEACE BOND WAS EVEN WORTH IT.
I TOLD HIM THE SITUATION.

HE SAYS. THAT'S SERIOUS.
I'D GO BACK TO THE POLICE STATION
AND TELL THEM EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME.

AND I F*CKING TOLD THEM EVERYTHING IN APRIL.
"NOTHING WE CAN DO."

SO I WENT BACK TO THE POLICE STATION AGAIN, TODAY.
THEY TOLD ME THE SAME THING
BUT SAID TO CALL TO ASK FOR A WELLNESS CHECK. FFS.

So I called the number she gave me, but I spoke to someone.
WHO ACTUALLY TOOK ME SERIOUSLY
AND TOOK INFORMATION FROM ME.
THEY SAID THEY'D START AN 'INVESTIGATION.'

Wtf is that even going to do?!
SHOULDN'T THEY HAVE INVESTIGATED IT
BACK IN F*CKING APRIL?

What I should have done is called much sooner.
I HAD AN EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD.
AND STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ON MY OWN.

LIKE I FEEL GUILTY FOR EVEN HAVING A LIFE
OR TRYING TO HAVE A LIFE...

It makes taking care of myself feel selfish.
Or enjoying anything.

I mean, I appreciate what I do enjoy.
Special moments... 

A girl on the train platform said to me:
"You're so pretty."

I said "Thank you, so are you!"

It was a nice moment.

Walking back along a route I never took...
I saw some people kyaking. 


I had a long talk with my friend, tonight.
It helped, but I just feel f*cking sad.

I just wish a bunch of stuff never happened.
I LEARNED FROM IT, ALL OF IT...

Just would have been nice to forego a lot of sh*t.
To have foregone it.

WOULD I HAVE LEARNED
FROM THE EXPERIENCES? 

Sometimes I question if I actually learned anything.
Sometimes I question a lot of things, 
but myself the most...


I freaking feel SAD!!!!

Today I saw that "friend" of a "friend."
SHE CALLED HER OVER
AFTER DISCARDING ME.
TO CONSOLE HER.

She just looked at me and smiled.
I'M SURE SHE HEARD ALL ABOUT IT
BUT KNOWS F*CK ALL ABOUT ME
THE CONTEXT, OR MY SIDE.

Everyone can think whatever tf they want to think.
ABOUT ME
ABOUT WHY I EVER ASKED ANYONE FOR HELP...
ABOUT ANYTHING I EVER WENT THROUGH
WHILE BEING F*CKING LUCKY
THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF IT.


Just still p*sses me off. A LOT OF SHIT P*SSES ME OFF!!!!
BUT WHAT CAN I F*CKING DO ABOUT IT
WHEN I LEGIT ASK FOR HELP
AND EVERYONE'S LIKE
"WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH ME?!"
I'M ASKING YOU FOR HELP FFS.


And I literally pour it all out there, AGAIN.
TO TRY TO EXPLAIN THE SEVERITY OF IT...
AND I STILL GET
"NOTHING WE CAN DO!!!!!!"

It's not that they can't do anything...
THEY F*CKING CHOOSE NOT TO!!!!!

Because "what's it got to do with me?"
But security dude cop, today:
"I'd make them open a report."
NO F*CKING SH*T.
LIKE THEY COULD HAVE DONE?
WHEN I FIRST BROUGHT IT UP?
Maybe?! You'd think?!
YOU'D F*CKING HOPE.
JUST LIKE YOU WOULD HOPE
THAT YOU COULD JUST GO UP TO SOMEONE
AND SAY "I NEED HELP."
AND THEY'D F*CKING LISTEN!!!


THE FUCK IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU?!
SOMEONE F*CKING ASKED YOU.

SOMEONE NEEDS HELP? LISTEN.
It could actually be serious.
IMAGINE THAT!!!

I saw a video about a stalker who found their 'target'
and in front of a lot of people, he stabbed her 
and tried k*lling himself.

NOBODY DID ANYTHING.
THEY ALL JUST WATCHED.

Then the other video I saw...
A guy was going after a daughter and mother.
A DUDE RAN OUT OF HIS SHOES
TO SAVE THAT WOMAN.

OUT. OF. HIS. SHOES.
TO. SAVE. HER.


How do you thank someone for that?

Reminds me of a conversation I had once.
I took my guitar outside and a guy came up to talk to me.
I'd sent my kit back to OneMatch and told him about it.

He told me someone gave him a kidney.
He said he had an opportunity to write a letter
to the person who donated...

But he was like: How do you thank someone for that?
I get where he's coming from...
That's a gift. A blessing.
A kidney.

Not everyone will donate a kidney.
Because "what's that got to do with me?"
"Nothing we can do."

I'm not surprised they all watched it go down.
They all just freeze
because

1) they don't know wtf is going on
2) they don't know wtf to do
3) wtf's it got to do with them?
4) why tf should they care?


But when it's down to wtf to do...
That's the most important part.
Besides the "I care." Part.


Because you can't just "care" things
into a resolution...

WHICH MAYBE I COULD HAVE HAD BY NOW
HAD THEY TAKEN ME SERIOUSLY
THE FIRST TIME I BROUGHT IT UP. FFS.

THE FIRST TIME I ASKED FOR HELP.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?
WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT?
IT'S NOTHING ANYONE WANTS TO SAY
LET ALONE ACKNOWLEDGE
IS.THEIR.F*CKING.LIFE.FFS.

And why do I feel guilty for even enjoying anything?
BECAUSE IF I LIVED THE COLD HARD REALITY
EVERY F*CKING MOMENT OF THE DAY
I'D BE A SEETHING BALL OF RAGE.

HAS SEETHING OR RAGING EVER HELPED ME?
EVEN WHEN NOBODY WAS LISTENING?
EVEN WHEN NOBODY COULD "DO" ANYTHING?
BUT WANTING TO SHOVE THE BLAME ON ME?!

It's like throwing your garbage in someone else's yard
and saying "look at all the garbage in THEIR yard."
"What's it got to do with me?"


It's been f*cked up. This isn't the half of it.
DESPITE WHAT I WRITE,
I ACTUALLY LEAVE STUFF OUT.

But ONE PERSON TODAY...
ONE F*CKING PERSON SAID...
I WOULD GO BACK TO THE POLICE STATION, AGAIN.

First, dude could have invited me in. 
Shoved me away at the door.

The lady after...
SHE TOLD THE NEXT PERSON
TO GO TO THE COURTHOUSE.
DID SHE TELL ME TO GO TO THE COURTHOUSE?
NO SHE DIDN'T.

I SWEAR SO MANY PEOPLE TREAT ME
DIFFERENTLY THAN THEY TREAT OTHERS.

AND AT THE STATION...
THE COP WENT TO HER SEARGENT.
AND SHE SAID "NOTHING WE CAN DO."

A F*CKING SEARGENT!!! FFS.
NOT WHAT COURT COP SAID!!!
COURT COP SHOULD GO BACK TO THE STATION.
THEY NEED HIM THERE.

WHY'S EVERYTHING BEEN SO F*CKING BACKWARD?

Court cop was the ONLY ONE WHO LISTENED!!!!!
HE SAW THE SEVERITY!!!!!
HE KNEW IT HAD TO BE ADDRESSED!!!!!
BECAUSE IT F*CKING SHOULD BE.
AND THE ONLY ONE
WHO SEEMS TO F*CKING WANT TO
IS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE CAN'T THEY BE LIKE:
WE WON'T STAND FOR THIS SH*T?!

Like f*ck ALLLLLLLLL of it
sideways with a surfboard.

IT'S FUNNY HOW SOME PEOPLE
CAN SERIOUSLY TRY TO RUIN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
YOUR REPUTATION, YOUR SANITY...

COULDN'T THEY JUST F*CK RIGHT OFF INSTEAD?
BECAUSE THEY COULD JUST F*CK RIGHT OFF.
THEY COULD HAVE.
THEY NEVER NEEDED TO START THEIR SH*T.


BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T HAPPY
THAT I WAS HAPPY?

So let's go f*ck it all up for HER.
SO SHE WON'T EVER GET BACK UP...
SHE'LL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIIIIIIIIINNNN!!!!!
F*CK. THEM. ALL.

Am I the happiest right now? No.
WHEN MY SON HUGGED ME AFTER 3 YEARS
OF THINKING I WOULDN'T SEE HIM AGAIN
I WAS F*CKING HAPPY.

But would have appreciated being APPRECIATED.
FOR THE GOOD THINGS I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE.


But I think that's why people try to f*ck sh*t up for me.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHY I DO WHAT I DO.
Because maybe I have it in me to do it.
Not because I have to.
Not because I'm trying to get anything.

Because maybe I wanted to.
Most people don't want to do anything
UNLESS THEY GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.
BECAUSE THEY COULD "DO" SOMETHING THEN.
CORRECT?!
IF IT HAD "SOMETHING" TO DO WITH THEM?!

BECAUSE HAD ANYONE WANTED TO HELP ME,
THEY COULD HAVE HELPED ME FILE.
THEY COULD HAVE ASKED ME QUESTIONS.
THEY COULD HAVE ACTUALLY CARED.

BUT NOPE. COURT COP.
THAT'S VERY SERIOUS.
NO. F*CKING. SH*T.

NOBODY EVEN TREATED IT LIKE IT WAS SERIOUS.
OR TREATED ME LIKE I'M BEING SERIOUS.
OR THEY WOULD HAVE LISTENED, RIGHT?

THE. FIRST. TIME.
AND NOT ASSUMED F*CKING ANYTHING.
"WERE YOU DRINKING?!"

WAS I SLURRING MY WORDS?!!!!
WAS I FALLING ON MY ASS?!!!!

OR WAS I BEING F*CKING SERIOUS?!!!!
I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM SPEAK TO SOMEONE ELSE
IN THIS EXACT SITUATION LIKE THAT.

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'S THE ISSUE?
THEY WANT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I AM
SO NOBODY WILL SAY SH*T ABOUT THEM.

THEY'D RATHER ARGUE ABOUT THINGS THEY DON'T KNOW
THAN LISTEN WHILE YOU EXPLAIN IT.

THAT SH*T'S EMBARRASSING, FOR ONE THING...
INTENTIONALLY INTENTIONAL.


BUT WHEN IT'S BEEN HIDDEN FROM SO LONG
BECAUSE NOBODY LISTENED...
THEY CAN'T SAY:
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!

BECAUSE. YOU. DIDN'T. F*CKING. HEAR.
A. DAMN. WORD. I. SAID.

"but I didn't know it was THAT serious."
IF YOU WEREN'T BUSY ARGUING
AND "TALKING IN CIRCLES..."
AND SHOVING ME AWAY AT THE DOOR.
AND ASSUMING SH*T...

MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE LISTENED LONG ENOUGH
TO F*CKING UNDERSTAND
THE GRAVITY OF WHAT I WAS SAYING...

The gravity of the situation.
The circumstances OF MY LIFE.
THEY COULD HAVE HELPED ME.
ANY ONE OF THEM.
IF THEY HAD WANTED TO.
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN VERY MUCH.


I SWEAR. IT'S LIKE SPEAKING
AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT LANGUAGE
AND PEOPLE ARE "LISTENING" UNDERWATER.

Am I the one underwater? Or are they? Are both sides?
Wtf is the actual issue?
BECAUSE COURT COP HEARD ME FINE.
IT WAS ALMOST A SHOCK
THAT HE WAS ACKNOWLEDGING ME.
BUT ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGING WHAT I WAS SAYING.

THAT'S VERY SERIOUS.

Anyone who would have done SOMETHING
WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FREAKING HERO.