Strength

Some of it is compartmentalizing.
To get a tiny bit of something else
other than the rage.
Sad, mad, sad, mad.
Sad that I'm mad?
Mad that I'm sad?

But how do you make "peace"
with something that P*SSES YOU RIGHT OFF?
It's only in accepting it as a fact.
It. Happened.

It f*cking did and it's like NOBODY
BUT COURT COP, AND MY COUSIN
REALIZED THE SIGNIFICANCE.

BECAUSE EVEN ANOTHER FRIEND
WANTED TO LOOK AT IT COMPLETELY
OBJECTIVELY... I SEE WHY HE DOES IT
AND WHERE THAT'S COMING FROM.

Even though it's annoying sometimes.
But I see where it's coming from.

He likes to look at it at all angles.
Makes some good points.
Points some things out.
THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER...

BUT HE SAID I DID THE RIGHT THING.
FOR THE RIGHT REASON.
WHICH I DID.

SOME MIGHT THINK I'M ACTING LIKE
I DON'T CARE.
I DO HAVE SOME RESTRAINT.

SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE LOCKED UP RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'D EXPECT
FROM SOMEONE CRAZY.
IT'S ENOUGH TO DRIVE SOMEONE TO DO IT.
I'VE WITNESSED IT.

I SAW A VIDEO WHERE SOMEONE WAITED.
FOR THAT ONE MOMENT.
AND IT WAS ON LIVE TV.


THAT'S WHAT A FATHER SHOULD BE.


I had to draft some very cringe pictures lol.
For whatever reason, the stats jumped to almost double.
For a whole month and not even the 15th...

One dude today, asked me for change today.
I told him how fooked I am lol.
He told me yup, fooked.

I haven't gone can hunting at all this year.
All the cans, I didn't scoop.

Been too damn emotionally disturbed.
It's like if I live my life, I'm in denial
about everything that's been grinding my gears
BUT I AM THE ONE LETTING THOSE THINGS
GRIND MY GEARS.
AND KEEP GRINDING MY GEARS.
DOES IT HAVE TO?
JUST BECAUSE IT SHOULD?

YEAH IT SHOULD...
BUT DO I LET IT CONSUME ME?
EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE?

If you know me well, you know that I ruminate.
Constantly. 

It's important to "forgive" as they say.
Some people will say they never will.


Seen radical forgiveness of murderers.
Could you?


That premonition thing I had...
The mother of that child... Her family
forgave the kid who took their kid.

The kids were 10 and 12.
I "saw" all of it happening before it happened.
When I found out it actually happened...
I got too freaked out. Because that's crazy scary.

The point was forgiveness, though.
AS LONG AS YOU STILL SEETH
YOU HAVEN'T FORGIVEN.

You can get stomach ulcers from restraining anger.
So I've heard. I could believe it.
My stomach does not feel that great.


Speaking of feeling great...
Got into watching chiropractor videos.
This one doc uses a y strap.
All the adjustments sound pretty satisfying.
Like I can feel their relief through the screen.

I remember the chiropractor guy who came here.
He's a nice guy! I guess they get paid to be nice.

It did feel better, the adjustments and the gun thing.

I remember it was during covid and we both wore masks.
And we did video calls because it was covid.

He had me doing an exercise that was embarrassing.
I tend to laugh when I'm embarrassed...
Then I caught a reflection of his wife offscreen
looking at her phone...
She definitely heard me laughing.
 

Like how dare I laugh at anything
WHEN NOTHING I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH
HAS BEEN A LAUGHING MATTER?
GET HOW THAT FEELS?
ABOUT FEELING GUILT
FOR TRYING TO LIVE YOUR LIFE?


BECAUSE, IDEALLY, YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO.
BUT EVERYTHING LOOKS SOME TYPE OF WAY.
TO SOMEONE. EVERYONE.

BECAUSE THEY WOULD ACT LIKE THIS OR THAT.
OR THEY WOULD REACT LIKE THIS OR THAT.

AND IF I DO? Doesn't mean I don't want to.
Doesn't mean that I have to. Just because I want to.


I was thinking about this earlier. Impulse control.
I was thinking that since I quit drinking,
I'm able to control my impulses.

I've even had strong urges I've controlled.
YOU CANNOT SAY I'M NOT.
BECAUSE I WOULD BE IN JAIL.
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

BUT DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?
NO. BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO
UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.


THE WHOLE THING'S BEEN A COMPLETE MINDF*CK.
TO ME. AND I'M AN INDIRECT VICTIM.

BUT THEY CAN'T F*CKING SAY
I DID NOTHING.
THE PEOPLE I ASKED FOR HELP
DID NOTHING.


ONLY COURT COP DID SOMETHING.
AS MUCH AS A COURT COP COULD.

COURT COP SHOULD BE SEARGENT COURT COP.
I feel like going back there to tell him
the same damn thing happened
but I was able to report over the phone.


Court cop treated me like a person.
Court cop LISTENED TO ME.
DIDN'T JUST DISMISS ME.

I kept thinking today:
"ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WOULDN'T HELP YOU
ARE GOING TO WISH THEY HAD."


One day, I'll be saying it to them...
"What's it gotta do with me?"
"You want help? You didn't help me."

And if they wanted to... THEY COULD HAVE.
EASILY.
WOULD BE DIFFERENT
IF IT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
But it doesn't. 

I'm glad it doesn't.
KNOWING WHAT IT IS LIKE
ISN'T WHAT ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW.
Let alone live with/through.

BUT THAT'S STRENGTH.
NOT IMPLODING IS STRENGTH.