Old Memories

Not all that often, but I go back and read my old posts.
I remember that office job I had vacuuming...
And that creepy guy who left a note for me
on his desk when I was dusting. 
Had forgotten about that.

Also, I remember telling my mom
that vacuum has 2 u's.
Almost spelled it with 2 c's too.

One time I sold a domain for $20.
I accidentally misspelled a word in the domain.
It was supposed to have 2 c's, but only had one... 
THAT'S WHY YOU DOUBLE CHECK IT.
TRIPPLE, QUADRUPLE....

I have to use my savings to pay for my hosting.
I actually lasted longer than last month.
But it's getting ridiculous.

I had THAT talk again about getting a good job
and improving my circumstances.
AS THOUGH MY WHOLE LIFE WILL CHANGE
JUST FROM ONE ASPECT CHANGING.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT...
BUT ONE ASPECT IS ONE ASPECT.

IT DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY FIX
EVERYTHING.


BUT MAYBE EVERYONE WHO WOULDN'T HELP ME
WILL WISH THEY HAD.
AND I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT.
OR IT'D JUST GET PRETTY F*CKING DEPRESSED.

BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE HAD THEY WANTED TO.

LIKE THE DUDE WHO RAN OUT OF HIS SHOES
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SAVE THAT LADY.

I didn't go to the knitting group thing yesterday.
I was excited to go
but the lady wanted me to fix some Whatsapp thing...
I told her that I don't use it so I don't know how to fix it.

And she said something SNOOTY.
She's like: Seems like you don't want to...

LIKE SHE WAS TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
FOR NOT WANTING TO.

LIKE F*CK RIGHT OFF.
I TOLD YOU I DON'T USE IT
SO HOW COULD I DO IT?

SHE WAS EVEN GETTING ANNOYED WITH ME.

So I don't even know if I want to stay in the group.
It started at the beginning. Just little things.
Like Sorry I didn't give you credit for the thing you made.
She apologized for not doing something she could have done
had SHE wanted to.

DID I SAY: SEEMS LIKE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO?
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE!

But I did snap back, this time.

HOW DARE SHE TRY TO GUILT ME.
INTO DOING SOMETHING SHE WANTED ME TO DO
THAT I TOLD HER I WOULD DO
IF I USED THE DAMN THING AND KNEW HOW.

She was like: It's simple! Even I can use it!
So I said: That's good.

Like good for you that you can use it.
Why be annoyed at me?


She asked me to do the website.
The lady I was to work with on it, 
we only did a little bit.
The next time I saw it, much more was done to it.
LIKE WHY EVEN BOTHER TO ASK ME?
IF YOU WERE GOING TO DO IT YOURSELF ANYWAY?

It's on Google Sites. I prefer WordPress.
When I snapped back, she was like: I didn't mean it that nasty.
BUT YOU DID MEAN IT NASTY.

WHY? DIDN'T GET YOUR WAY? TOO BAD.
DID I GET MY WAY? TO BE ALLOWED
TO JUST NOT USE THAT APP?
AS A PREFERENCE?


She probably thought: Oh, she knows!
JUST DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT.
SO I'LL MAKE HER FEEL BAD
ABOUT NOT WANTING TO DO IT.
SO SHE'LL DO IT.

UNTIL I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUILT TRIP.

Like maybe take a break from that. 
If I make stuff, just drop it off.

LIKE COULD I HAVE HAD ONE THING TO ENJOY?
WITHOUT SOMEONE DISLIKING ME?
FOR WHAT? BEING ME?

SORRY THAT BEING MYSELF IS TOO OFFENSIVE?
THAT IT BOTHERS YOU SO DAMN MUCH?

It started when the ladies were talking about a painting
in the art gallery... I remembered the name of it.
And they looked it up and I was right.

SO WHAT? I REMEMBERED THE NAME OF THE PAINTING.
STEALING YOUR 'LIME LIGHT'?
I DON'T WANT IT SO IT'S ALL YOURS.

Going back to 2008... I lived here. 20 years.
Literally half my life I lived here.


Anyway, we'll see if she says anything to me between
this meeting and next meeting
and how I feel about next meeting.
Or staying in the group.
The rest of the ladies are great.
Why does there have to be 1?
Usually the first person I meet in the group.

Like the first guy I met in my college class...
HE ENDED UP BEING A DOUCHE.
WE EVEN GOT ASSIGNED TO THE SAME PLACE.
TO WORK, ONCE.

THE PENTHOUSE WAS UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
HE WANTED TO TAKE ME TO SEE IT SO I WENT.
THEN HE TRIED HITTING ON ME.

LIKE GOING TO SEE THE PENTHOUSE WITH HIM
WAS TO SOMEHOW PUT ME IN THE MOOD.
WHAT WAS HE EXPECTING? A QUICKIE AT WORK?

I borrowed a book from that place and never gave it back.
My godparents lived there.
Haven't seen them since then.
Not like I saw them much. Only at church.

I remember the coat room place was the nursery.
I remember looking up at my Godmother.