Specific DNA

 Agreeably, DNA helped solved so many cold cases.

I was watching a show called The K!ller's Mistake.
Even though they had the guy confessing to a cell-mate
that he committed 9 homicides,
it took getting the guy's DNA to match it.

By the time they got it, it was like 28 or 29 years later.
After the guy got gender reassignment surgery.

He was saying that it could have been "Doug"
but he was "Donna" now.

You can't just assume another identity
and say it was your old identity that did that.

There was another video before that
about a guy researching his friend's mysterious death.
In the video, the guy died of a heart attack at 33 years old.
(It's kinda young, but it's possible).
Even risks from 40+.

Anyway, doing his research
he found out his friend actually stole
someone else's identity.

His friend was living as another person.
The real person with that name had died.

Anyway, he looked up missing person photos.
And one guy looked just like his friend.
It ended with talking with his mother and sister
and letting them know what happened.

If it weren't for that one friend wanting to know the truth,
nobody would have known.


There was a creepy video I watched
where there were maybe 30+ missing person photos
that were printed out and fixed to trees on private property.

The guy called the cops and when the cops came
they told him to stay off private property.


There were a couple of others.
Like the guy in China going to abandoned buildings. 
There was one where he found a "pool" of dead bodies.
There wasn't an explanation about what he came across
because he was just randomly exploring and filming.


The video about a mother who
accused a couple of attempted kidnappings.
Because she assumed that's what was happening.

That they were following her around the store.
"Misinterpreting" what they were doing.

She made Instagram videos and her videos blew up.
She went from something like 3K to 80K followers in one day.

The couple who were being accused were located.
They were interviewed and cleared.

The mom who reported it got 90 days in jail.
And had to do community service.

She was the one who blew everything out of proportions
by ASSUMING they were trying to take her kids.
And then her Instagram videos blew up.


Then a true crime video where a woman was yelling for help.
The neighbors called the cops but when they got there,
they wouldn't enter her apartment.

I once called after someone did some damage here.
HE HAD MY KEYS
AND DIDN'T WANT HIM COMING BACK.
THEY SAID TO CALL BACK IF HE CAME BACK.

AND HAD HE COME BACK?
LET HIMSELF IN WHILE I SLEPT?
He didn't.


Anyway, today...
For whatever reason, I went to the mall.
Just to walk around and look at stuff.
Something told me to go look at the craft stuff. 
I like doing it, sometimes... Looking at the wool.

I have enough yarn/wool here to last me a long time.
It's just nice to look at the samples...
The samples are "swatches" that were knit or crocheted
to "showcase" the yarn or wool worked in whatever stitch.
It's a texture thing. Hard to explain it.

Knitting and crocheting is tactile. 
It's not just about certain colors going together.
For example, there's cotton vs "satin" vs acrylic.

I mostly use acrylic. It's a pretty common type.
I love cotton. Not just because it's soft, it has a different texture.

There was a perfect "cake" of wool. I go to look at the colors,
and I go to look at the samples.

I had a thing where I used to buy knitting magazines.
And crochet magazines.
Now, it's hard to find any.
I've gotten some from eBay before.

I'm thinking of selling some stuff.
A neighbor was moving out and left a bunch of stuff.
Said he's moving back to his country
and that he wasn't coming back.

So he was saying that anyone can take whatever he left.
So he left a bunch of clothes, I grabbed some shirts.
He had some snorkel stuff, so I took that.
I'll see what H***** at the pawn shop says.

The earrings I wanted to check out
turned out not to be diamonds, oh well.
Better to find out than keep wondering.

I have a few things that could be worth some money.
It's not about the money, for me, 
but if I can make some, I can make some.

So, anyway, the side story...
There was a guy with his son in the wool isle.
It seems they were checking it out.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.

As I walked by, he looked at me so I said hi.
I didn't want to feel or seem awkweird
so I walked around for a bit
until they left the aisle.

When I got back to the aisle, they weren't there
so I was checking out the yarn.

The guy ended up passing the aisle again, looked at me.
We didn't say anything to each other.

Then I went for a walk to the lake, took my time there.
I even walked all the way around the water treatment plant.

And on the way back... It was him and his son.
He recognized me, I recognized him.
I don't know why I crossed paths with the guy 3 times.
Nothing special about it.
Just don't know why.

I mean, I was outside for hours...

At the lake, I caught 20+ turkeys crazing.
They aren't small creatures, either.
But the way they have a bigger body than their head.
I suppose that's true with more than one species, 
just watching them chase each other
and making turkey noises...

Then watching the other birds.
Two geese almost wouldn't let me pass.
Because I was on their turf.
The geese can get kinda mean.
They aren't to be f*cked with.

So I walked around for over two hours, likely. 
One thing about the beach is that if you look at the sand,
you'll see seagull footprints. 
Little webbed seagull footprints.

And in that area, it used to be cottage country.
So old cottages are still around.
The old post office and the old church were converted
into dwellings. But they are still there.

My first foster parents... They had lived in a church.
Their home was an old church converted into a dwelling.


I mean, yeah, foster parents are paid to be foster parents.
So if they had to move into the group home
that they converted from a group home to a foster home,
they'd at least be getting paid.

I don't know how much foster parents are paid to be foster parents.
I just know that they are paid to be foster parents.


I've been working on my projects to try to keep myself "sane."
I can keep myself out of the hospital. 
The hardest times for me are around Christmas.
But I tend to leave and come back home for my birthday.
It's kind of a break from "life" for a bit.
I can't put that any other way.


Some of the stuff I've seen, though...
How people are being treated in there...

Some have actually been there for years
because they pretty much live there.

If it wasn't for one stint, I wouldn't know I have BPD.

BUT WHEN I WAS THERE...
THEY SAID DBT WAS WHAT I NEEDED FOR BPD.
AND I COULD ONLY GET THAT THROUGH CMHA,
BUT WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO APPLY FOR IT,

THEY WOULDN'T HELP ME WITH THAT
BECAUSE THEY SAID I DON'T QUALIFY
EVEN AFTER THEM TELLING ME I HAVE BPD.

Things have been alright since I've been on mood stabilizers.
I'm not as up and down, as before, but I still get some oscillations.
From sad to mad and mad to sad. Rapidly.

I have stuff to be sad about.
I have stuff to be mad about.
BUT IS BEING OR FEELING SAD OR MAD
GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME?

Can I seeth and rage myself into accomplishing
THE THINGS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH?

CAN I CRY MYSELF INTO ACCOMPLISHING
THE THINGS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH?

CAN I EVEN ASK FOR HELP TO ACCOMPLISH
ANYTHING I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH?

None of those things will WORK.
IT WON'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
WHATSOEVER.

NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.
Since I know that doesn't work...
Maybe it's time NOT TO STAND IN MY OWN WAY.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I DID THAT...
I WAS ONLY STANDING IN MY OWN WAY.
THAT'S ALL I WAS DOING.
THAT'S IT.

AND YOU'D THINK ALL I HAD TO DO WAS ASK.
BUT WHEN NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE...
WHY SHOULD THEY HELP YOU?


It's not like I'm doing something wrong by asking for help.
I wouldn't be doing ALL I CAN DO IF I DIDN'T.

I'm trying to do the right thing for THE RIGHT REASONS.
WHY IS THAT HARD TO SEE OR UNDERSTAND?
WHY TRY TO TREAT ME LIKE IT'S SUCH A CRIME
JUST TO WANT WHAT I WANT?

And what I want is FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
BECAUSE IF I CAN JUST DO THIS ONE THING...
I CAN AT LEAST HAVE A BIT OF PEACE OF MIND.


SO IF THAT, AT LEAST, COULD BE UNDERSTOOD...
MAYBE I CAN GET THE HELP TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
PREFERABLY FROM PEOPLE WHO CAN.


But from what I've been seeing...
IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD.

AND IT'S NOT ME NOT WANTING TO JUST DO IT MYSELF.
BECAUSE IF I COULD JUST TACKLE THIS MYSELF, 
I WOULD JUST DO THAT.
AND NEVER ASK ANYONE FOR ANYTHING.


It's hard to explain a lot of things.
BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE WANT ME TO LOOK BAD
INSTEAD OF THE ONE WHO WAS DOING THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE WHY LOOK AT THEM 
AND WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND WHY?

JUST LOOK AT ME, THOUGH.
ASSUME WHAT I AM DOING.
AND ASSUME WHY I'M DOING
WHAT ANYONE ASSUMES THAT I EVER DID.

Imagine living your life that way?
Like everyone's gains are based on a sense of hopelessness?
And when does hopelessness become helplessness?
Do they go hand in hand?


It's to "drive" me "crazy."
If they can chip away at me, they'll try to do it.
I get why they try to do it to me.
I can't really fault them for wanting THEIR way.
BUT GETTING MY WAY...
FOR ONCE....
ISN'T ABOUT THEM NOT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME WINNING AT ANYONE'S EXPENSE.

It's sometimes like they have no alternative
than to come at me for whatever reason.
Like their purpose in life is to try to stop me
FROM SIMPLY ACHIEVING SOMETHING.
WHEN THEY COULD BE ACHIEVING THEIR OWN THINGS.

Like obsessed with blocking me on any and all fronts.
WHEN WHAT I'M TRYING TO ACHIEVE
ISN'T JUST FOR ME.

I HAVE IDEAS THAT COULD HELP OTHERS OUT.

Shouldn't I AT LEAST GET THAT F*CKING CHANCE?
TO SHOW WHAT I CAN ACTUALLY DO?

It's more to prove it to myself more than to anyone.
I DGAF ABOUT PROVING IT TO ANYONE.
BECAUSE THEY WILL THINK AND ASSUME
THE WAY THEY ALWAYS HAVE.
WHATEVER THEY WANT TO, right?

But it's like this:
NOT EVERYTHING WE THINK OR ASSUME
IS ACTUALLY THE CASE.

But I have ideas. IF THEY WOULD F*CKING LISTEN!!!
Not saying my ideas will work even 99% of the time...
BUT DO I KNOW IF I DON'T TRY?

AND MAYBE I KEEP ASKING THE WRONG PEOPLE.
NOT FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
THEY JUST WEREN'T THE ONES TO ASK.

It bugs me asking the wrong ones for help.
BECAUSE THE REASON ISN'T A BAD REASON.

If you can't or won't help me,
you don't have to try to do anything to me.
WHAT AM I DOING TO ANYONE?


THIS IS WHY I tend to keep to myself.
BECAUSE when I ask for help, I get that.

So I'd rather stick to doing what is right for me, too.
REGARDLESS OF PAST EXPERIENCES.
ESPECIALLY THE REALLY SH*TTY ONES.

Because why? I don't have to dwell on that.
I feel like that's what I've been doing, for a while now...

Seems to be a lot to ask for, what I want most.
I don't want that for no reason.
Is that selfish of me? 
To want that for someone?

But is it selfish of me to want to be treated
THE WAY THEY WOULD TREAT SOMEONE ELSE?
HOW THEY WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED?

That's what I don't get about terrorists.
WOULD THEY WANT TO BE TERRORIZED?
PROBABLY NOT.
JUST SAYING.

But Canada has let in a bunch.

I had a premonition about something.
That I hope doesn't happen. 
If it ever did, I would know FOR SURE
THAT THERE'S SOMETHING TO IT.


When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of tall buildings.
And someone asked me why, once.
I said it might fall.
And they were trying to convince me
that they are built not to fall.

Maybe it was the effect of the sky moving
when I looked up that made it seem like
the building was moving, but it freaked me out.


I don't know why this came to mind, 
but when I was a kid, there were a few dudes in a jeep.
It was Canada Day and they threw a cup of water at me
and they laughed. 

I don't know why I even remember that,
but it's connected to the memory of tall buildings.

Probably because I was downtown with my mom.
And that's where the tall building were that were freaking me out.

Which is funny because I have been in tall buildings.
When R**** and I worked at the hotel, he took me to the roof once.
Working there wasn't so bad, there were nice people to work with.
THE COMPANY REALLY SUCKED,
BUT IT WAS A DECENT JOB.

Same for the security guard job.
I worked nights. Alone at the post.
Wrote a lot of poetry lol to pass the time.
Read one of my favorite books for the first time...
I was posted at a library that was being built.
They didn't have it finished, yet, no books.
It was creepy being there by myself.
I didn't like doing those rounds because I was there by myself.

I let a couple of people read that book.
One co-worker I had, we exchanged books.
He loaned me a vampire book lol.
It was hard to get into, truthfully.
I took it with me when I went to Niagara Falls.
I woke up early, and took the book downstairs
to read it on the couch in the "den" part of the shelter.

Once, I was there on my birthday and some guy from France was there.
People from all over the world stay there.

Anyway, he humored me by playing some pool with me.
It was nice of him, on my birthday.

Maybe next birthday will be better than the last.
My last birthday was my 40th freaking birthday.
And it just would have been nice to be treated nicely.

I've had 'rough' birthdays.
Like getting in a bus accident...
The black eye was embarrassing lol.

I went to a dance on my 12th birthday.
I was just there with some friends from school.
A girl kept trying to hit on me.
I told her I'm not a dude.
She was trying to make a dude jealous
or some bullshit.
At the end of the dance, the dude popped me one.

I was too embarrassed to say what happened.
I had won a CD at the dance...
The story I gave was that he was trying to take the CD lol.


Anyway, I'm glad I've had some nice birthdays too.
Next birthday I want to go to the pool hall.
Haven't rented a table in a long time.
Lucky shots shots sometimes. Golden break once.

When I went on my birthday, once, the bar tender
gave me free drinks. I was drinking the 0.5 "beers" lol.
I think that factored in. 
The bus driver had given me a day pass.
That was nice, also.