It's Worse Now

Back in 2015 or 2016 I saw East Hastings.
Back then, it was during the day.
Gets worse at night.

There are tweakers, here, too.
A few places not to go.
Vanier is a place to avoid.
They used to have their own police force.

Rideau Street hasn't been all that bad that I've seen.
Haven't been down there for a while, 
but it's not as bad as East Hastings.


I know it's bad here.
I once put a junkie in an armlock to make him drop a needle.
Probably was more than anyone else would have done.
Maybe he'll think about that one day.
ABOUT WHY I DID THAT.
WHERE IT WAS COMING FROM.
BUT WHO GAF IF HE DOESN'T?

Can't force people to stop standing in their own way,
but you can put someone in an armlock.
I was surprised at myself, actually.


Just got tired of being TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
LIKE I'M JUST GOING TO BE AROUND
TO TREAT HOWEVER THEY WANT.

He can "not care" anywhere else but here.

Yeah, I forgave for a lot.
BUT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
HAD HE SEEN THINGS FROM MY EYES.
HAD ANYONE SEEN THINGS FROM MY EYES.

BUT THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS.
BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T, IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED TO ME.

Yet, they happened FOR me.
Maybe to appreciate things more.

People who don't know what parental alienation is about...
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
THEY  CAN'T SAY SH*T ABOUT IT.
UNLESS THEY KNOW, THEY JUST DON'T.


I was remarking to a friend today...
The things I thought that aren't the case.
What did I know at 16? At 18? At 19? At 25?

Has quitting drinking taught me anything?
It taught me what it's like.
It taught me how it affected me and people around me.
BUT DO I STILL GET TREATED LIKE A DRUNK?
YEAH. 

And the saying: "If I knew then what I know now..."
The book that comes to mind is called Wakeup Calls.
I have the book and read it once.
Could be worth talking about, more in-depth.
Not sure where it is at the moment...

Slowly moving stuff around, again.
Eventually I'll get things straightened out the way I want it.

It's funny I see myself in a condo one day.
Close to the canal. I'd walk by that place after visiting my mom.
I'd walk from there, all the way downtown.

In my idealistic future, I did well in business.
I got a loan to start a proper business.
Made lots of money and got my condo
and condo furniture. 

Sometimes I like to go to places and look at stuff.
Or I see something nice walking by.
I'd imagine what it'd be like to own it.

The fancy dresses are nice, but I can't see myself wearing one.
I rarely dress up.

I did for a valentine's day meet and greet thing.
My buddy wasn't doing anything and it's for singles.
So I said he could come with me and he brought his roommate, too.
It went alright. It was at a fancy place by a lake.

I forget what the argument was about, but we were taking a cab
back to my buddy's place and the guys got into it, in the cab.
Didn't feel like crashing at my buddy's place.
I ended up going home that night.

I kept that dress. Someone gave it to me.
I kept the dress my Grandmother made for me, too.
It was part of a Halloween costume she made for me.
I wanted to be a milk maiden.
She made me the dress, a cap, and an apron.

My Grandmother was a gem. 
I'm lucky to have been related to her.
Her love was so pure. I miss her so much.

The hospital had a piano, I played it for her.
Took her in her wheelchair to the room that had the piano.

I've gone to the University and found a piano there. 
I'm not a student there. But been there a few times.
Feels like sneaking in there to play it, 
but finding less and less of them.


A lady at the knitting meetings, a lady has a piano.
It was at her place, my first meeting.
Someone said "play us something."
AND SHE WAS TOO CONCERNED
ABOUT WHAT WE WOULD THINK OF HER PLAYING
TO PLAY ANYTHING.

I don't know how long I'll stay in the group.
I might just go back to the guild meetings.

It is nice to socialize. Just I'm the youngest there.
The leader doesn't seem to like me.

The last bit was bugging me, though.
She wanted me to add some app to the website
AND I DON'T USE THE APP.
So what? What would I know about it?

And then she got flustered because I pretty much
said just that.

And she went as far as to try to guilt me into doing it.
"Seems like you don't want to..."

IT CAN SEEM HOWEVER YOU WANT IT TO.

But I said I would prefer some understanding
that lots of people have personal things
going on in their lives.
 
After that, I decided not to go to the meeting.
It was at her place. 

Maybe I'll just be a "home knitter" or whatever
and just donate when I make stuff to donate.
I'm working on a blanket that I'd prefer goes to a nursing home.

Then the fall weather coming. 
One of the meetings, someone donated mittens.
They were done in a way that the insides are insulted.
I love those kinds of mittens but knitting a pair...

I've only made maybe 4 pairs of mittens.
I made a pair for my mom that are purple.
She didn't want me to touch them 
(even though I made them).

I made her a pair of socks, but not purple.

I made myself a huge pair.
They weren't supposed to be so big.
But I attached them together on a string
so I won't lose them.

I've lost many things I made.
Including a hat I was particularly proud of.

I thought I lost my union jack hat I made.
I made it for myself for my birthday.

As much as I like making things for people, 
I sometimes make something for myself.


I made a balaclava for my friend M***.
It has his name on the front and his last name on the back.

It was a joke he made about getting caught looking in a window.
He was going to be moving into the little "square" where the houses are alike.
So when the people who lived there weren't there, he looked in the window
to try to get an idea of what the layout was like, nothing else.
But dude who lived there came back.
And asked my buddy wtf he was doing.
My buddy got embarrassed and tried to explain
but I think he said he booked it lol.

The joke was wearing a balaclava with your name on the front
and as you turn around to run away, your last name's on the back lol.


That's why I made it for him.

The first one I made is pink. I wore it a lot.
I had that really bad cystic acne... 
I really wanted to hide from the world.
What bugged me was "What happened to your face?"
Like I got stung a bunch of times or got burned?
Fine from a kid, but from adults?

They are useful in the winter.
I don't like my face being cold in the winter.
Or my ears. I can get so cold you can get frostbite.


Speaking of frostbite... There was a dude at the hospital...
He was on drugs and thought he was looking for gold
in the snowbanks and was digging with his bare hands.
Did bad damage to his hands.

Had both his hands wrapped in bandages.
He went to the nurses' station to get help
TO TIE HIS PANTS
BECAUSE HE LITERALLY COULDN'T USE HIS HANDS...
THEY F*CKING IGNORED HIM.

It can get the tip of your nose and your ears, and your fingers
And your toes.


When I was a kid, when our boots got wet from the snow
from playing outside in the snow,
we came home and put bread bags on our feet
and put our boots back on.

To keep our feet dry and the warmth in.
Wet socks... It's important to keep your feet dry.

One time I got a snowball in the eye.
It had ice in it and it scratched my eyeball.
Some of the worst pain...

Just as bad as when I got nail polish in my eye.
In my defense, I was 4 and I was trying to paint cat eyes
over my eyes. And I got it in my eye.
Only one eye, but it burned pretty badly.

I'm lucky to have my sight. At all let alone still.
I met a bind lady, we'd hang out and go for lunch together.
She's so sweet. Very kind person.

I often forget that she's blind.
I guess that's how much I've taken my sight for granted.

I'll always remember the guy who I saw at the mall.
HE HAD NO HANDS. ONLY HOOKS.

Imagine not having hands?

There was a guy I saw who had no hands, 
no arms, playing a guitar with his feet.
HE WAS GOOD!

I saw another video where a woman
who was born with no arms and no hands.
SHE HAD 6 KIDS AND TOOK CARE OF THEM
USING ONLY HER FEET.
COMBING THEIR HAIR,
BUTTONING THEIR SHIRTS,
SHE EVEN DID EMBROIDERY WITH HER FEET.
AND SHE LIT A CIGARETTE WITH HER FEET.

I guess people learn when they don't have the choice.

They didn't sit there all like woe is me!
They learned to do it some other way.

Only thing I can do with my feet is take my socks off.

I watched a video where the guy getting out of his car...
There was a huge puddle, He got out and walked on his hands.
Until he got to "dry land."

Someone commented: I want to see him get back in.

At the end it shows the dude pulling a tiny dog
out of his jacket.


I saw a dog at the beach and she went up to two guys
to get them to pet her and throw her ball for her.

They were there with a guy who was DJing on the beach.
It wasn't that bad, but it was in another language.

Passed them on my way to the lake.
And saw the dog on my way back.

I like the dogs I see around.
One near my neighborhood.
After a long winter not seeing each other
she seemed happy to see me.