Why Does It Matter?

Still been p*ssed off about how the COPS 'mishandled' things
When ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS LISTEN.
EXCEPT ALL THEY WANTED TO DO WAS ARGUE.

The dude actually f*cking ARGUED WITH ME
To try to 'disprove' what I was saying
WHEN HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS EVEN SAYING.

That's what it's like living MY life.
WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE POLICE
ABOUT THESE TYPES OF THINGS.

And this is why they f*cking don't, typically.
BECAUSE DOING SO IS APPARENTLY
A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

But they didn't have to MAKE ANYTHING WORSE
THAN IT ALREADY IS.

I already wrote about it when it happened.
I'm just p*ssed about the AUDACITY.
BECAUSE WOULD THEY WANT TO BE
TREATED LIKE THAT?
SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT? NO?
THEN WHY DO THEY THINK IT'S OKAY?

And they are supposed to be PROFESSIONALS.

But HAD ANYONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
LISTENING TO ME... HAD THEY LISTENED...

But I'M supposed to listen to them ALL!!!

Why does it matter?
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH.
No matter WHO tries to SPIN WHAT OR HOW.

But it's like they just seem to target ME.
Like that prof in COLLEGE.

Seemed like she was going on an ego trip.
BECAUSE SHE SEEMED TO ENJOY
GOING AFTER ME ABOUT THE ASSIGNMENT
IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.

DID SHE GO AFTER ANYONE ELSE? JUST ME?

Yeah it happened almost 20 years ago,
but that's not the point. 
The point is SHE DID THAT
AND THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE I GUESS SHE FELT LIKE IT.
OR ELSE WHY DO THAT?

She seemed to be getting something from it.

She was running for a political party.
Municipality...
SHE WAS TRYING TO GET HER STUDENTS
TO VOTE FOR HER.
WHEN HER RUNNING
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CURRICULUM. 

And what gives her a RIGHT to try to get votes?
FROM HER STUDENTS?
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS MORE VOTES?

LET HER GET VOTES THE HONEST WAY.
I wouldn't have voted for her either way, 
BUT WHY DO THAT AND EXPECT A VOTE?

Believe me when I say this:
Nobody I know would have been able
TO HANDLE THE SH*T I WENT THROUGH.

Yes, I'm aware that there are so many people
who have been through worse.

But the slander, lies, manipulation etc.
HOW F*CKING UGLY IT ALL IS.

Even so... I'M NOT THEIR VICTIM. 
WHY SHOULD I LIVE IN VICTIMHOOD?
Just because certain people wanted to come for me?

What p*sses me off is being treated like I'm either
drunk, crazy, or stupid. 

That's enough to aggravate anyone.

CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO HAD A POSITION OF "POWER."
PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
TO HELP PEOPLE.
To play the role THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO PLAY. 

They shouldn't have GONE AS FAR AS THEY DID.
YET THEY FELT THEY WERE IN THE RIGHT TO DO IT.
BECAUSE HOW WOULD ANYONE KNOW?

How would anyone know THE TRUTH OF WHAT THEY DID?
OR WHY THEY EVEN DID IT?

Banking on the fact that they can hide behind their JOBS.
But it's the lying bullsh*t. 

Trying to make me LOOK AND SEEM LIKE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

And trying to COPY me. 
BECAUSE WHY SPY ON ME?

All of it was trying to block me with lies.
TO TRY TO TAKE WHATEVER FROM ME.

If I didn't know what I was doing, why did I have what I had?
All for superficial reasons.
BECAUSE why do that? Any of that?

For something they wanted. 
IT IMPACTED MY LIFE.
YET I HAD TO OVERCOME IT ALL. 
They probably never thought I WOULD.

It's all egotistical TWAT sh*t. 
BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME.
THEY WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED ME.
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN THOUGHT OF
COMING FOR ME.

But they HAD to, to get something.
They wanted themselves to look a certain way.
And wanted me to feel alienated and alone.
THAT IS WHY THEY DID WHAT THEY DID.

Because they were innocent and I wasn't?
No, it was because THEY WANTED TO BE ON TOP.

And they wanted it to HURT ME.
It was to try to cut me out of my own life.
FOR SUPERFICIAL REASONS.

Do I try to go around cutting people out of their own lives?

They wanted it to eat away at me for the rest of my life.
AND IT WAS ALL A CHOICE. 
A SERIES OF CHOICES
PEOPLE MADE ABOUT ME.
A bunch of manipulation. 

They knew they could get away with it. 
Because why wouldn't they?
THEY WERE IN THE POSITION OF POWER.

Abuse of power. 

BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE GONE AFTER
SOMEONE ELSE. ANYONE ELSE.

I'd like to think that it'll come out in the end.
THE TRUTH ABOUT ME
ABOUT THE SITUATION
AND WHY THEY DID WHAT THEY DID.
ALL OF THEM. 

But I can just cry about it, how unfair it all is.
YEAH, IT'S UNFAIR. THE LIES, SLANDER...
But WHY CRY ABOUT IT?

That's what someone told me:
"Crying about it isn't going to change anything."
He's right.
Probably wouldn't even make me feel better, either.

When people don't like you, for whatever "reason"
THEY THINK THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.
AND WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE, RIGHT?

The difference is karma. That's the difference.

Because you can't do all that sh*t and expect
to live a good life. 
BECAUSE THE SAME CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.
ALL THE THINGS YOU DO TO OTHERS
CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.

AND IF IT DOESN'T, THE ENERGY OF IT
IS THERE. IT DOESN'T GO AWAY.
IT'S IMPRINTED. 

The energy of everything is always there.
That's why I can feel it everywhere.
Off everyone.

Interpreting it is still hard, but it's always there.

I can only interpret it, mostly if I listen hard.
Like when I actually communicated with whatever was there.
Like that "guy" in the basement of that house.
Who told me he got shot in the head over drugs, in the driveway.
He's still lingering there. 

I don't know if it's a thing where they can't leave or something.
As though they are stuck in one location. 
Where they died, I don't know. 

But I can listen and they can tell me how they died.
I can listen to my gut when it tells me things.
Like the time my gut told me to hide under the truck and wait
for the guy to leave because he drove around looking for me.
Why he didn't just leave, I don't know.

And when I get "names" and "dates" stuck in my head.
When I don't even know what they mean. 

That other time when I saw the imprint of the woman.
She was being drowned in the toilet of that place...
I just had to leave. I got scared. I never saw anything like that.

Maybe I saw it because she was trying to show me.
Maybe because she knew I could even though I didn't know. 
Because I NEVER saw anything like that before.

That place had crazy energy pulls. That night I couldn't sleep.
I kept trying, but I couldn't. 
The energy in that place was insane.

But I feel it everywhere. 
When I'm being "watched" I feel that. 

I don't know if that is what makes me "different"
"Different" enough for them not to "like" me.

It could be, but I think it's mostly a control thing.
Like I said, had they been busy CONTROLLING THEMSELVES
AND NOT TRYING TO CONTROL ME...

I'd like to say I wasn't the problem.
Yes, I did have my head up my @ss.
But I'd also like to say that his father was the issue.
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE BEEN A FATHER.

HE NEVER HAD TO DO WHAT HE DID
AND SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE.

AND HE NEVER STOOD UP FOR ME.
NOBODY STOOD UP FOR ME, PERIOD.

And every time I tried standing up for myself...
And for my son...

It was EASIER TO JUST RIDICULE ME.
IT'S RIDICULOUS 
and here I am grinding my teeth
because it's been so damn aggravating
THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE
WHO COULD HAVE HAD THEIR KIDS TAKEN FROM THEM
NEVER F*CKING DID.

They could have taken me from my mother
when I had a cop taking pictures of all the bruises...
I literally had a handprint on me...
BUT I DIDN'T GET TAKEN AWAY.

MY MOTHER SIGNED HER RIGHTS AWAY
WHEN I WAS 13, BUT WHEN I WAS 12
I LIVED WITH FRIENDS FOR ALMOST A YEAR.

Until they were like: "She's not our kid, she should go home."
Anyway, I went to my grandmother's place
AND TRIED LIVING WITH MY MOTHER AGAIN, 
BUT I COULDN'T STAND IT.

I did want to go live in the group homes.
BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T AT HOME ANYMORE.

It sucked living in those. That's why I went AWOL.
So I'd stay at one for a few weeks or whatever.
THEN I WOULD LEAVE
AND WHEN THEY CAUGHT ME,
THEY'D SEND ME TO WHATEVER ONE
HAD A BED OPEN. 

I ended up at 10 of those and 2 foster homes.
And couldn't wait until I turned 16.
Because I could legally leave.
I wanted to write "Emancipate"
But I was already there because my mother signed her rights away.

Anyway, it wasn't being there that got me here.
I did have to be away from several people, though.
I needed the time away. To be away.

It's hard to explain it, really.
Especially how frustrating certain things have been. 

But everything I went through, sort of got me here.
Where I've been the most emotionally independent. 
Where I don't rely on certain things I used to depend on. 
And realized why depending on those things
wasn't ever helping me. 
Like alcohol... Or "relationships"
Being single has been needed. 
Had I stayed single, maybe I could have gotten here sooner.

I used to be scared to die "alone."
But that doesn't scare me anymore. 

It bothers me that people I know in my life
don't call me to "see how I'm doing."
Because would be dead long before anyone knew.
I know that's a morbid thought, but who would know first?

Anyway, the times I thought about just doing it...
It was because I wanted certain things in my life to change.
My circumstances sucked. 
Still not great, but better than they could be.

Like I was saying before, too much we take for granted
that we don't realize how lucky we actually are.
If we really thought about it, 
we'd be happy that we are as lucky as we are.

I have more now than I used to have.
I used to have a room in a rooming house. 
Now I have an apartment. 

And nothing we own we can take with us... 
Maybe not even memories.
Who knows. 

All I know is energy is real.
And control issues are real. 

Whether it's a cop, a proff, teachers, CAS workers, exes...
People trying to block me, stop me. 

It's always been unpredictable. 
Where I'd end up when I was in CAS.

But yeah, we can't exactly predict stuff. 
The times I had premonitions were different
and I don't know how to just do that at will. 
When I did ask to see something, I did, 
but I couldn't comprehend that I was seeing something
THAT WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. 

I didn't know that it was going to happen. 
It did, but I didn't know it would.

And it scared me so much I didn't try asking again. 

I guess I had to get that off my chest.
All the things that have been bothering me.