Mood Stabilizers

Don't know if I mentioned this, but I have BPD.
I take mood stabilizers every day.

I tend to get emotional when I'm tired.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm sad or just tired.
I convince myself that I'm just tired.

Been seeing my ex's Facebook profile in my suggestions. 
Every time I see his face, I'm reminded of what he did.
I get a feeling in my stomach that I can't describe.

I really just want to be close to my son.
Hopes for the future. 
There were times I thought I'd never see him again, but I did.
It's been an emotional strain on me.

Maybe he has BPD, too.
He has a bunch of health concerns that he told me about.
I told him that he can take his time to work stuff out.
And that I'm not mad at him for doing that.
I've had to do that, too.

He's old enough, now, to make his choices.
Of course every parent wants them to make better choices.
I made a lot of stupid choices back then. 
When I should have known/done/been better.
I still sit with those regrets. Everyday.

It's been pain on both ends.
I didn't have any love for myself back then. 
I kept looking for external validation. 
Instead of doing "the work."

And I can understand his pain.
There are and have been times I didn't know what to say, 
but I should have said something. 

I keep ocilating between mad and sad. Rapidly. 
Because of all the things we went through. 
Separately. And I know he blames me for a bunch.
I blame myself for a bunch.
Things that had nothing to do with him, 
but still impacted him. 

Things that had nothing to do with me impacted him, too.
That's what I'm angry about.
And all the times I tried to do something about it.
And how that ended up going nowhere.
Making it seem like I was the one who didn't care.
When I was the only one trying to do something about it.

I know the past is in the past and I can't do anything about it.
Someone put it this way, to me:
"If things had been different then, things would be different now."
Sometimes I think that had I had the support to support him, 
things could have been different.
I didn't have what I didn't have but that's no excuse.
I didn't have to go back to drinking after he was born.
I didn't have to lose my patience or my temper.

At his school, I was upset because my son was being bullied.
AND THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN, TOO
IF THEIR KID WENT THROUGH WHAT MINE DID.

BUT INSTEAD OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT,
THEY JUST GANGED UP ON ME
FOR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT.

And that started a dominoe effect.

I swear that ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED
TO BE UPSET ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD.
But when it comes to me, it's like nobody
JUST ALLOWS ME TO BE.

Being upset about anything just equalled to me
being either drunk, crazy, or whatever else.

Had I JUST BEEN ALLOWED TO BE UPSET
ABOUT ANYTHING I HAD EVERY RIGHT
TO BE UPSET ABOUT...

It's really not that hard to get where
I've been coming from.

BUT THEY MADE IT INTO A CRIME
TO BE UPSET ABOUT WHAT THEY WOULD BE
UPSET ABOUT TOO.

BUT THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE UPSET
AND I'M NOT?

Because WHY LISTEN TO ME?
ABOUT ANYTHING?

That's how it's been and felt.
Sometimes it feels like The Truman Show.
Like "Everyone Mess with A***"
See how far you can take it until she breaks.
Whoever breaks her "wins." FSS.

But what nobody was counting on
is how strong I've become
BECAUSE OF ALL THE THINGS
THAT COULD HAVE "BROKEN" ME.

Not so "funny" now is it?
Imagine not being taken seriously
AND ACTUALLY BEING LAUGHED AT.

Wouldn't be funny if it happened to them.

Someone said that all the rough things
happened FOR me.
For me to see my own worth
despite being devalued constantly.

EVEN BY STRANGERS.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD OR SHOULD THEY CARE?
NOT THEIR PROBLEM.
EVEN WHEN IT CAME TO DOING THEIR JOB.

A lot of things THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED,
HAPPENED. TO ME AND TO HIM.

Had I had support from the people even in my life...
WHO WEREN'T THERE FOR ME...
WEREN'T THERE FOR HIM...

Being depressed about this and other things
WASN'T HIS FAULT.
WAS NEVER HIS FAULT.

AND HOW MOST PEOPLE NEVER APPRECIATED
ANYTHING GOOD I EVER DID FOR THEM.

Because would they have treated me the way they did
IF THEY DID?

A lot of selfish people.
Was I being selfish, too? Yeah. 
It took me too long to see that.
And I didn't want to admit that to anyone.
Even to myself. 

BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
IF THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO CARE
ACTUALLY CARED.

Maybe if I knew I had BPD sooner, 
and got on mood stabilizers sooner, 
had quit drinking sooner, 
had realized a lot of things sooner...

"Had things been different then,
things would be different now."

How true that is in so many ways...

But a lot of it (that wasn't my fault)
I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT.
AND EVERYTIME I TRIED TO...
HOW DID THAT GO?
DID IT GO WELL?
DID I GET ANYWHERE?
DID ANYTHING CHANGE?

But was it up to me when it was up to them?
TO BE DOING WHAT THEY COULD HAVE DONE?
AND SHOULD HAVE DONE?

No, it was only up to me 
ABOUT THINGS THAT WERE UP TO ME.
I AM TO BLAME FOR THOSE THINGS.

THEY ARE TO BLAME FOR THEIR THINGS.
FOR DOING THE THINGS THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

Yet they still want to blame ME for those things.

Although I didn't have support from my family, 
I still turned out "better" than I could have.

BECAUSE THERE WERE WAYS I DIDN'T WANT TO BE.
THINGS DONE TO ME I'D NEVER DO.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THEY WOULD!

But yeah, even struggling with the things I had to struggle with...
I STILL HAD MY CHOICES TO MAKE.
AND MADE SOME HARD CHOICES.
MADE SOME CHOICES I REGRET MAKING. 

Had they seen things FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, THOUGH.
ANY OF THEM, ALL OF THEM...

BUT IF THE SHOES WERE ON THE OTHER FEET...
They wouldn't know how ANY OF IT EVEN FELT...
BUT WHY WOULD THEY CARE?
THEY'D CARE IF IT WERE THEM, THOUGH.

Because I had to deal with some things,
it kind of "prepared" me for some things.

But nobody should have to go through that.

At the same time, I put myself through a lot.
That I never had to put myself through.
Maybe it was tobuild character, maybe for "growth"
JUST GOT ME UPSET
ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME
THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED, PERIOD.

It just would have been cool if certain people
COULD HAVE RECOGNIZED
THINGS THAT I DID DO - FOR THEM. 
NOT BECAUSE I HAD TO.
I WANTED TO.

AND THEY CAN'T SEE WHY I WANTED TO.
JUST TREATED ME
LIKE EITHER I DON'T OR THEY DON'T CARE.

It's hard to explain a lot of things that I wish I could.
Some of it is because I don't have the words.
AND SOME OF IT... EVEN IF I DID...
HOW DO I EXPLAIN THINGS
THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE EXPLAINED?

Things that shouldn't have ever happened...
Shouldn't have to be explained.
BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

And yeah, I know why my son is upset.
I don't blame him for being upset.

I WISH CERTAIN PEOPLE
WOULD KNOW WHY I'VE BEEN UPSET.
AND THEY JUST WON'T KNOW
BECAUSE THEY DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THE CAPACITY
TO ADMIT CERTAIN THINGS
ABOUT THEMSELVES
TO THEMSELVES.

Even if they have the capacity...
Would they? Will they?

AND WHEN IT'S SO UGLY, 
THEY DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT
LET ALONE SEE IT.
OR ADMIT IT.

Something like the first step
IS ADMITTING THERE'S AN ISSUE.

Because if you can't admit it, 
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WANT TO
DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

And sometimes you do want to do something about it
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TF TO DO ABOUT IT.
AND WHEN YOU TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
AND YOU ARE TREATED LIKE YOU ARE THE ISSUE
FOR HAVING AN ISSUE WITH AN ISSUE...

Wouldn't anyone have an issue with that?

Sometimes things happen that aren't within our control.
Sometimes we ask for a change and sometimes we don't.

The changes I never asked for vs the changes I asked for...
AND WHEN I ASK FOR A CHANGE...
IT WAS LIKE A CRIME TO EVEN ASK FOR THAT.
WHEN IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.

Sometimes it feels like THE EFFORTS I MADE
WERE IN VAIN.

But can I just at least say I made those efforts
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?

MAYBE NOT IN THE RIGHT WAYS, 
BUT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

And the things I did for the wrong reasons?
I did those things, but I learned from those things.
AND ONLY I AM TO BLAME FOR THOSE THINGS.

And the people WHO DID THINGS FOR THE WRONG REASONS
WILL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THAT, TOO.
WHETHER THEY FEEL OR HAVE REMORSE OR NOT.

Some people do things without feeling anything about it.
Because they don't see why they should.
And if they can't see why they should, will they?

AND EVEN WHEN PEOPLE HAVE SHOWN ME
OVER AND OVER AND OVER
WHO THEY ACTUALLY ARE
AND I REFUSED TO BELIEVE IT...

BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE THE BEST IN THEM...
AND WANTED THEM TO SEE THE BEST IN ME...

BUT JUST BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO SEE 
THE BEST IN ME...
DIDN'T MEAN THEY COULD OR WANTED TO.

SEEING THE BEST IN ME WAS MY JOB.
It's worth it to see the worst in ourselves
(to do something about it).
AND IT WAS MY JOB TO SEE THAT ABOUT MYSELF.
JUST LIKE IT'S THEIR JOB TO SEE THAT
ABOUT THEMSELVES.
BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO.

AND EVEN WHEN THEY DO, IF THEY DO,
WHAT ARE THEY DOING ABOUT IT?
WILL THEY DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
COULD THEY? IF THEY KNEW HOW?

BUT IT'S UP TO THEM.
ABOUT THEMSELVES.

IT'S UP TO ME.
ABOUT MYSELF.