Not A Lot To Want

People who wanted to try to control me...
THEN GET MAD AT ME
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED...

Wouldn't be trying to control ME
If they were busy CONTROLLING THEMSELVES.

That's why they try telling me what to do all the time.
And when I comply, they do it more.
So why?

It's one thing to ask, but to EXPECT...
THAT is different.

People who manipulate do this:
"Can you...."
Because it's like they want to see if you CAN.
And since you are able to, they bank on that.


Anyway, pretty much what I wanted
Is for them to control THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID THAT
THEY WOULDN'T TRY TO CONTROL ME.

Because people can do something for someone
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.

I had a friend who would always
ask me to SPEND MY MONEY
ON THINGS SHE WANTED.
JUST BECAUSE SHE KNEW I HAD MONEY.

If I'm offering to buy you something.
That's different from being ASKED to get you something.

AM I ASKING YOU TO GET ME ANYTHING?
NO? BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO, COOL. 
I'M NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING
TO ASK ANYONE TO GET ME ANYTHING.

This is why, from now on...
I don't have to be generous...
OR LET ANYONE KNOW THAT I HAVE MONEY.

There's a saying that goes like this:
GIVERS NEED LIMITS
BECAUSE TAKERS DON'T HAVE ANY.
THE MORE YOU GIVE, THE MORE THEY WILL TAKE.
AND THEY DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Because you were giving BEFORE...
SO WHY STOP?

THAT sh*t bothers me.
And what ALSO bothers me
Is anyone trying to put their feelings on me.
LIKE I "MADE" THEM FEEL HOW THEY FEEL.
WHEN THEY GET TO DECIDE
HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING.
AND TRYING TO TELL ME
HOW I SHOULD FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING.

Most of the time, there's something so f*cked up
THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT...

And when I write about it...
THEY CAN DECIDE HOW THEY WOULD FEEL ABOUT IT
BUT I CAN'T TELL ANYONE HOW TO FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING.

But what bothers me is AFTER DOING
ALL KINDS OF THINGS FOR PEOPLE...
IF I DON'T LET THEM CONTROL ME...
THEY'LL TRY TO MAKE ME SEEM LIKE I NEVER CARED.
Because I don't want to be controlled?
What if I was trying to control them?
Then get mad because they don't want to be controlled?

I'll tell you a little story about when I was a kid. 
I had an idea that I wanted to start a club. 
So I invited neighbor kids to my backyard
to tell them about the club...

So I set up chairs in the backyard, 
but in my mind, I wanted it to be a certain way.
I had "assigned" the seats.
And when they came to my backyard...
THEY WANTED TO SIT WHERE THEY WANTED.
AND WHEN I TRIED EXPLAINING
THAT I HAD ASSIGNED THEIR SEATS...
THEY JUST LEFT.

Because why couldn't they just sit where they wanted, right?

Just like why can't I spend my money how I want to?
IF I OFFER, THAT'S ONE THING.
BUT TO ASK ME TO KEEP BUYING STUFF?

And a guy I was "seeing" kept doing that sh*t
AND HAD PARTIES HE DIDN'T INVITE ME TO
THAT HE HAD NO PROBLEM SPENDING MONEY ON.

WHEN HE COULD HAVE PAID ME BACK.
AND IF HE WANTED TO PAY ME BACK,
HE COULD HAVE JUST PAID ME BACK.

And to keep me WAITING? For what?
For him to pay me back?

BECAUSE AS LONG AS I WAITED
HE'D JUST TAKE HIS SWEET @SS TIME.

That sh*t p*sses me off.
So "can you get me..." No tf I can't.
How about you get yourself A,B, or C?
Am I asking you to get me A, B, or C?

Why? Because I am not entitled to A, B, or C.
Just because I want something...
DOES NOT MEAN I AM ENTITLED TO IT.

And really, I don't even want "stuff."
What do I want? A real conversation...
All kinds of other "stuff" would be nice to have...
BUT THE WORLD WON'T END
IF I CAN'T "GET" SOMEONE TO BUY ME SOMETHING.

I'm not materialistic. 
Doing something for me because you want to
VS DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO
ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

But doing something vs buying something...
PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY. SAVE IT.

I saw a video where a chick was on a date with a guy.
THE GUY GOT HER FLOWERS
AND SHE WAS COMPLAINING
THAT HE TOOK HER TO OLIVE GARDEN.

SOME GIRLS DON'T GET FLOWERS.
SOME GIRLS DON'T GET DATES.
SOME GIRLS DON'T GET TAKEN TO OLIVE GARDEN.

I've never been on a date where the guy got me flowers.
THE ONE TIME I EVER DANCED WITH A GUY...
I WAS LIKE 15 AND THE GUY FELT BAD
BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE ASKED ME TO DANCE.
AND PRETTY SURE HE WAS GAY.

I've never DATED A GUY WHO WANTED TO.
WITH ME, FOR ME. OKAY?
Some girls don't even get THAT.

Then some entitled b*tch thinks she deserves
THE MOON AND THE STARS.
LIKE B*TCH NO TF YOU DON'T.

And there are some sadistic b*tches out there.
WHO ACTUALLY ENJOY HURTING DUDES.
THEY ACTUALLY GET OFF ON IT.

There was an interview I saw with a guy asking her.
IF SHE SAW SOMEONE HURT AN ANIMAL
THAT'D BE F*CKED UP.
SO WHY WOULD IT BE ANY DIFFERENT
THAN HURTING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?

AS THOUGH MEN AREN'T HUMAN, TOO?
AS THOUGH ANIMALS DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER?
I mean, yes, animals deserve to be treated well.
If you're dating someone, doesn't give you the right
to just treat them like sh*t whenever you feel like it.

But at the same time... Certain things bother me.
And when they know that it bothers me
AND they still do it...
I should be allowed to call it.

It'd be like ME purposely doing to THEM
What they purposely did to me.

But to ENJOY hurting men? Just because?
If it was the other way around...
"Why'd he hurt me? Why'd he do me like that?"
Then all of a sudden it's not cool, right?

40 f*cking years old and never danced with a guy.
Well, one. WHO FELT BAD FOR ME.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR PITY...

Anyway, it's that some girls get everything
SOME GIRLS CAN ONLY DREAM OF...
AND STILL NOT APPRECIATE A DAMN THING.

I've literally heard guys telling me
ALL THE HOOPS THEY JUMPED THROUGH
FOR SOME FEMALE
WHO DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE ANY OF IT

All because SHE wanted HIM to jump through hoops
FOR HER AND IT WAS NEVER "ENOUGH."

WHEN ANY OF THOSE THINGS
WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.


Anyway, nobody can try coming back around TO ME
WITHOUT ADDRESSING ANYTHING THAT WAS DONE OR SAID.

BECAUSE WITHOUT ADDRESSING IT,
AND JUST TRY TO GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE BEFORE...
WILL ANYTHING CHANGE?

Because if you don't address ANYTHING.
WHY THE F*CK DO I WANT TO CONTINUE?

If someone wanted ME to address something
HOW IS THAT A BIG DEAL?
IF IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL TO ADDRESS SOMETHING...
JUST F*CKING ADDRESS IT.
Y'KNOW? LIKE AN ADULT?

Because they would want me to...
And if they wanted that from me....
Instead of just excuses and me trying to justify
whatever bullsh*t I was being about...

THAT WOULD BE IMMATURE OF ME, CORRECT?
Because excuses and bullsh*t justifications...
Are what? BULLSH*T.
And what's bullsh*t? Immature.

But addressing something that needs to be addressed
AND NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED FOR A LONG F*CKING TIME...
SHOWS ME MATURITY.

THAT is what I'm looking for.
And shouldn't be looking for it.

Because it's mature just to be mature.
WHEN YOU ARE 40+ years old...
YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS SH*T.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL ANYONE
ANYTHING THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW.


But then to NOT LISTEN TO ME?
WHEN I'M TELLING YOU
SOMETHING YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW?

THEN BE MAD AT ME
FOR BEING THE ONE TELLING YOU...

WHEN I SHOULDN'T EVEN F*CKING HAVE TO!


I'm not out here EXPECTING ANYONE
TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS.

But HOW is it jumping through hoops
TO JUST DO THE BARE MINIMUM?

To treat someone with RESPECT.
TO HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION
AND REGARD FOR THEM?

If someone's having consideration for you...
HOW IS IT JUMPING THROUGH A HOOP
TO HAVE CONSIDERATION FOR THEM?


AND THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE EVEN SAYING ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS TYPE O F THING
IS LIKE A DAMN CRIME.

Like I'm supposed to just take it
and not say f*ck all about it?

AND WHEN I DO SAY SOMETHING
IT'S ME BEING THE PROBLEM
FOR HAVING A PROBLEM WITH X,Y,Z.
SUPPOSEDLY.

But the problem is
THAT HAD CONTROL OVER THEMSELVES
THERE WOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE.

BECAUSE THEY'D JUST LET ME
HAVE CONTROL OVER MYSELF.
AND they wouldn't keep trying to have control over me.

That's not me being obstinate.

And yeah, there were many times
THAT I DIDN'T CONTROL MYSELF
WHEN I COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO.
BUT I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO.

I was so immature that I acted how I felt. 
Just because you feel like doing something
DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD DO IT.
DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO.

And it bothers me that I have to tell GROWN ADULTS.
Because they should just be GROWN ADULTS.
Who don't need to be TOLD THIS.
Because they already KNOW THIS.

But just because I was legal age, 18...
DID NOT MEAN I HAD MY HEAD OUT OF MY @SS.
EVEN AT 26. DID I HAVE MY HEAD OUT OF MY @SS?

But someone who still has their head up their @ss...
ISN'T ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

Ego twat sh*t is GROSS to me. It's f*cking GROSS.
It turns me off.


But did some painful sh*t happen that impacted me
IN WAYS I NEVER WANTED TO BE IMPACTED?
YEAH, BUT EVEN SO...
It doesn't mean I have to be any type of way
BECAUSE OF IT.

Because that would be me trying to justify
BEING ANY TYPE OF WAY
ON WHATEVER IMPACTED ME...

I could do that. Of course I "could"
BUT WOULD THAT BE HELPING MYSELF
IN ANY TYPE OF WAY?

No, I'd be standing in my own way.
All because I "could."


But yeah. It's like when I was p*ssed off.
AND USED "REASONS" to STAY p*ssed off...

Should I want to be p*ssed off for THE REST OF MY LIFE?
JUST BECAUSE I "COULD"?

Or MAYBE I could focus on OTHER THINGS.
NOT TO LIVE IN DENIAL
ABOUT THINGS
THAT WOULD P*SS ANYONE OFF...

But what BOTHERS me...
Is people trying to treat me
LIKE ANYTHING I'M P*SSED OFF ABOUT
IS ME JUST BEING "DRUNK"

That is actually why I quit drinking
BECAUSE WHEN I'M SOBER AND P*SSED OFF
IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M "DRUNK"

That's why it p*ssed me off about that COP.
ASKED ME IF I'D BEEN DRINKING
JUST BECAUSE I WAS P*SSED OFF
ABOUT THINGS THEY'D PROBABLY BE P*SSED OFF ABOUT, TOO.

Like, oh, it's just A*** DRUNK AGAIN...
BECAUSE THEY DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY....

Yet they wouldn't EVEN ASK ANYONE ELSE THAT.
WAS THAT WHY HE WAS THERE?
TO ASK ME IF I'D BEEN DRINKING?

JUST BECAUSE I WAS ANGRY?

THEN BEING TREATED THE WAY I WAS TREATED
FOR BEING P*SSSED OFF.

And if I were to SAY what it was that I even went to the cops ABOUT...
YOU WOULD AGREE THAT YOU WOULD BE TOO.
WITHOUT. A. Doubt.

And are THEY drunk? Just because they're p*sssed off?
SHOULD I ASSUME THEY ARE?
Even if they've been sober for 10 YEARS?!

THAT is what p*sses me off.
BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT
TO JUST BE UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING
THEY WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT TOO.

WHY? Because F*CK THEM.
That's why.

THOSE are the kind of people
WHO CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES.
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.

Is it A LOT TO WANT?
TO BE ALLOWED TO FEEL
THE WAY THEY WOULD FEEL
IN THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES?

But THEY would want to be ALLOWED.
AND I WOULD HAVE TO LISTEN TO HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT WHATEVER THEY FEEL WHATEVER ABOUT...
BUT WHEN IT'S SOMETHING
THAT I FEEL ANY TYPE OF WAY....

It's "WERE YOU DRINKING LAST NIGHT?"
She MUST have been DRUNK.
WHY? Because someone would rather ARGUE with me
THAN F*CKING LISTEN TO ME?

The same people who would WANT TO BE LISTENED TO.
HOW IRONIC.