Time To Think

This is why I don't mind being alone.
For one, I don't get 'lonely' anymore.
I don't get 'bored' anymore.
These two things are why I am so much
MORE SECURE THAN I'VE BEEN BEFORE.

But when you have time TO YOURSELF TO THINK
You're open to thinking about things
that you can't think about
when you've got a bunch of 'distractions.'
I mean, there are GOOD distractions...
And a lot of people keep themselves distracted
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE ALONE
AND THEY TEND TO GET BORED.

The thing that I've noticed about a lot of people, 
they use certain things to keep themselves distracted
and 'entertained.'

Life isn't all about entertainment.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, 
WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF
YOU DON'T NEED TO CONSTANTLY
DISTRACT YOURSELF
WITH THINGS THAT ARE JUST THERE
TO HELP US WASTE OUR TIME.

Time... We either USE IT or we LOSE IT.
That's a thing for some people.
THEY DON'T WANT TO WASTE TIME.
BECAUSE IT IS OF THE ESCENSE.

And it's sometimes hard being a Capricorn.
BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN PRODUCTIVITY
BUT WE GET EMOTIONAL AND HOLD OURSELVES BACK.

Not everyone believes in astrology. I do (so take that how you want to).

It's hard to explain how I think. Kind of in an abstract way.
That's why I try to use some metaphors, if they come to mind...

Just that it's hard to explain my thoughts in a way
that would or could make sense to others
because I know FOR A FACT
THAT WHAT MAKES SENSE TO ME
DOESN'T ALWAYS MAKES SENSE TO OTHERS.

And maybe it's me, the way I think, 
or the way I try to explain things...
I'm not really sure what it is.
It used to REALLY F*CKING BOTHER ME.

BUT BEING DIFFERENT
DOESN'T BOTHER ME ANYMORE.
I BECAME MORE SECURE BECAUSE OF IT, ACTUALLY.

Because even though it might not make sense to everyone, 
it still makes sense to me.

And I know that what matters to me
doesn't matter to everyone.
And what matters to a lot of people
actually doesn't matter to me.

Sooo many things don't matter to me.
Like STATUS. DO. NOT. GIVE. A. F*CK.
That's why I don't compete.
Because 1: I am not better than anyone.
2: I don't want to be or care about being better than anyone.

I don't know why this came to mind, just now...

When I was in college, I was at the bar...
The college has a bar...

Anyway, I was at the bar
(I was an alcoholic)...

There was a guy there who was taking philosophy.
HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD COME TO HIS CLASS
AND THE TEACHER WOULDN'T GIVE A F*CK
IF I WAS ACTUALLY IN THE CLASS OR NOT.
SO I WENT. I LIKED IT.
THE TEACHER... WE TALKED IN HIS OFFICE, ONCE.
I forget the actual conversation...
And this was in 2005ish...

But he gave me a couple of books.
One was about semiotics
and the other was about popular culture.
(I still have these books).
(I'll make a point about writing about these things).

What made me think about this was POPULAR culture.

There are a LOT of things in society that has to do with culture.
And culture is kind of relative. 

Because even though there are a bunch of things
THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE INTO
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE IN SOCIETY ARE...
THAT I'M NOT INTO
BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN'T APPEAL TO ME.

I can't really explain why it doesn't appeal to me. It just doesn't.
The more time I've had to myself, 
(that's why I think more deeply, I guess).

And the deep thoughts... 
I've had to keep a lot to myself. 
I've had to kind of 'blend' myself into a society
THAT I DON'T REALLY CARE TO BE A PART OF.

BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY CARE TO BE A PART OF IT...
IT'S EASIER, FOR ME, TO JUST BE WHO I AM.
BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY WANT
A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS
THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE DO WANT.

I don't really know how to explain that.
And I could try, for the rest of my life, to explain...
Or try to explain...
Or... I could just be me.
And leave all that crap to the people who care about it lol.

That's why it doesn't bother me anymore.
What people think or say about me.
It used to, it REALLY used to.

BUT WHAT I REALIZED...
IS THAT IT COULD ONLY AFFECT ME
IF IT BOTHERED ME.

And I AM the one who was LETTING IT.

What I learned about all the people who judged me
IS THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO BE JUDGED.

They know I could judge them, but I DON'T HAVE TO.
JUST LIKE THEY DON'T HAVE TO JUDGE ME.
WHY? JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD? LOL.

I mean, I 'could' do a bunch of things...
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THOSE THINGS.

There are a bunch of things I was USED TO DOING
BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE DO THOSE THINGS
But just because they do those things...
DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO DO THOSE THINGS.

And I don't have to KEEP doing things
that I got used to doing
JUST because I got used to doing those things.

When people REALIZE THAT... That's like the garden gate.
This is the kind of pay out you get from thinking, deeply. 
You get to certain THOUGHTS that lead to other thoughts.
And the deeper you think, the deeper you think.

You increase your capacity to think, for one.
But not only that... once your capacity to think increases...
The things you think about increases too. 
THINGS THAT BECOME INTERESTING TO YOU
AND YOU LOSE INTEREST IN OTHER THINGS.

I lost interest in a lot of things.
Not because of depression. Depression does do that, 
but those things just don't matter to me.

Having money is cool. 
Having loads of money isn't important to me.
All the materialistic stuff doesn't matter to me.
All the 'fancy' things money can buy.
Sure, things are neat... Even cool.

BUT HAVING ANY OF IT...
DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

For an example. I don't have to have something
just because I'm 'supposed to' want it
because others want it.

Kind of like those brand name things...
Some people spend thousands of dollars
on a certain 'lifestyle.'
ISN'T YOUR LIFE YOURS TO STYLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO?
AND IF I DON'T WANT TO STYLE MY LIFE
THE WAY OTHERS DO, 
DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT'S NOT MY LIFE.

It's hard to explain that.
Maybe a certain individuality.

And I don't even know why anyone would want to compete with me.
There's nothing to compete for or about.
Because I'm literally not even doing anything.

Sure, I can DO some things that not everyone can do.
BECAUSE I GOT INTO THINGS THAT NOT EVERYONE IS INTO.
AND THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
SO I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S NOT 'FINE' WITH THEM.

And I could just be there, existing...
For whatever reason some people act threatened by my existence...
I pick up on that, pretty easily... They make it obvious.
On an energetic level.

But that actually HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
Because THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THREATENING ABOUT ME.
AND WHATEVER IT IS THEY FEEL THREATENED BY
ISN'T ANYTHING INTENTIONAL.

Because I don't exist to be seen or 'outdo' or anything.
I'm merely existing ffs. Like why can't I? What gives?

The same thing about just being happy.
BEING HAPPY ACTUALLY P*SSES PEOPLE OFF!!!

I don't know why they can't just LET me.
They're allowed to be happy, too, so why aren't I?
Couldn't they just let me?

Something weird about people being happy.
It's like being happy, like really, actually happy...
does actually p*ss people off. 

Like "If I'm not happy, you're not allowed to be."
It's f*cking bullsh*t, but there are people actually like that.
I can only attribute that to jealousy.

And yeah, I used to get jealous. I really did.
BUT WHAT CHANGED THAT, FOR ME...
Is REALIZING that it had to do with insecurities.
And that MY insecurities had to do with ME.
Had nothing to do with anyone I was 'jealous' of.

WHY I was 'jealous' had to do with ME.
Nobody else. Therefore it was MY issue.
UNTIL I REALIZED IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN ISSUE.
AND SINCE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN ISSUE,
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN ISSUE.

Does that make any sense?

Sometimes I can't tell if how I try explaining things
actually makes the sense I intend for it to make.

Because, to me, it makes sense.
And I don't know because it's not like I talk about this stuff all the time.
Or at all. Because who am I going to tell this to?
People who will listen to me in my life? lol.

People who haven't really even 'seen' me?
Because I gave up on trying to show people things.
Because when I do, they try to make it seem like
I'm only doing it because they think
that I think I'm better than them.
AND I DON'T THINK THAT.

Yes, I'm different and I'm good with that.
BUT BEING DIFFERENT DOESN'T
MAKE ME BETTER THAN ANYONE.
I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF FFS.

If that means people don't want to be around me...
THAT'S TOTALLY FINE WITH ME
BECAUSE I TEND TO ISOLATE MYSELF ANYWAY.

I'm good with just staying home,
typing all this stuff to whoever reads it.

It's funny when people think they "know" me
based on some things about me.
Like my childhood, where I'm from, where I've been...
BECAUSE I'M NOT MY PAST
AND I'M NOT ANYTHING THAT THEY THINK ABOUT ME.
SO THEY CAN'T 'ATTACK' ME ON ANY OF IT.

Another reason why I don't compete is because
IF YOU WANT TO BE BETTER THAN ME,
GO AHEAD. I'M NOT TRYING TO STOP YOU LOL.
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO YOU.
AND I'LL DO ME.

I don't have an issue with that.
But it's just really weird to me
FOR SOMEONE TO JUDGE AND TRY TO ACTIVELY
BE BETTER THAN SOMEONE ELSE.

I'm not caught up with getting and having
so whatever anyone is trying to get or have
by being better than someone else...
THAT'S NOT INTERESTING TO ME.
Why can't people just cultivate
what they already have?

AND LET OTHERS CULTIVATE WHAT THEY HAVE?

Like their ability to just be content. As they are.

Was I content with who I was? No.
BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO SATISFY A NEED
THAT I NO LONGER HAVE.

But what also doesn't interest me
IS TRYING TO BE AROUND ME
TO GET OR HAVE SOMETHING FROM ME.
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T SATISFIED
WITH THEMSELVES OR THEIR LIFE.

Because if they are not...
THEY WILL LOOK TO ME TO TRY TO SATISFY THEM.
AND THAT IS NOT MY F*CKING JOB.
Just like it's nobody's job to satisfy me.
THAT'S MY JOB. NOT THEIRS.
JUST LIKE IT'S THEIR JOB, TO BE SATISFIED.
NOT MY JOB TO SATISFY THEM.

I'm at a point in my life that even if I got loads of money...
THAT WOULDN'T CHANGE WHO I AM.
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THAT I KNOW WHO I AM.

In my 20s, I didn't. I wasn't thinking about that
BECAUSE I WAS BUSY DOING A BUNCH OF THINGS
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO.

AND THINKING IN WAYS
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK.

Because if I thought that I HAD to prove myself
IN THE WAYS I THOUGHT I HAD TO PROVE MYSELF
I WOULD HAVE JUST KEPT TRYING TO DO THAT
AND WASTING MY TIME TRYING TO DO THAT
WHEN I ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE TO
AND NEVER DID.

Had I realized that A LONG TIME AGO,
IT WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN THIS LONG.
TO GET TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

I isolate myself to protect myself.
SO IT'S FUNNY WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO ISOLATE ME.
I DO IT ON PURPOSE.
SO ANYONE TRYING TO DO IT TO ME
DOESN'T BOTHER ME LIKE THEY THINK IT WOULD.

When I try to connect with anyone, though...
IT'S NOT TO GET ANYTHING FROM ANYONE.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COMPETE
ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE COMPETING FOR SOMETHING.

I didn't become anything I became to 'threaten' anyone.
I DID IT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO DO FOR MYSELF.

Becoming what I became was for me.
Because that's what I needed, for me.

I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF TIME ALONE. TO DO THAT.
WOULD I HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO DO THAT
IF ALL I CARED ABOUT
WAS BEING LIKE EVERYONE AROUND ME?
OR BE BETTER THAN EVERYONE?

No, because I would have been all about that.
AND THIS IS WHY I KEEP ALL OF THIS TO MYSELF.
Everything. All the things I write about here...
ARE THINGS THAT I GENERALLY KEEP TO MYSELF.

But, the ONLY reason I write about it...
Is if it actually helps people
BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT,
that's what it's about for me.

Well, it is also about writing just to write, 
but the things I write about aren't for me
BECAUSE I'M LIVING THIS STUFF NOW.
AND IT'S PRETTY DAMN SATISFYING.

It sucks that I have to keep like 99% of myself to myself...
But it's been like if I show things about myself, 
SOME PEOPLE GET P*SSED OFF
AND 'JEALOUS' FOR NO F*CKING REASON.
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY REAL REASON TO BE.
OTHER THAN SOMEONE FEELING INSECURE.

And even then, it's THEM feeling insecure.
NOT ME MAKING THEM FEEL INSECURE.
BECAUSE ALL I'VE BEEN DOING IS F*CKING EXISTING.
Going from day to day.
Self-actualizing. On my own. For myself.
JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS A RIGHT TO DO.

Am I stopping anyone from doing that?
Or am I encouraging that?

It's just that a lot of people don't know how
because they are caught up in doing what they are used to doing.

Was I doing what I was used to doing?
Why was that, though?
I was used to thinking the way I thought.
Because I thought the way I thought,
I LOOKED AT THINGS THE WAY I LOOKED AT THINGS.
AND I LIMITED MYSELF BY LOOKING AT THINGS
THE WAY I LOOKED AT THINGS.

There's more than one way to look at things.
There's the old way, that wasn't doing anything for me.
There's the new way, that has done a lot for me.

That's why I know it can do a lot for other people.
JUST TO LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

In terms of things that have a point
and things that are pointless.

So what's the point?
Just because we can't see the point...
DOESN'T MEAN THERE ISN'T ONE.
OR MORE THAN ONE.

BUT... WE CAN MAKE A POINT OF SOMETHING
LIKE TAKING THE TIME TO THINK.