I'd Be Surprised

I had reached out to my step-father
SAYING THAT I WANTED TO TEACH HIM
SOME COMPUTER STUFF

He didn't say ANYTHING ABOUT NOT WANTING TO.
He just said to come over for dinner this weekend.
So I thought he'd let me show him what I've been working on
WHAT I WAS THERE TO SHOW HIM.
BUT HE SHOT IT DOWN
BEFORE I COULD EVEN EXPLAIN ANYTHING.

That's what I've been saying.
UNLESS THEY WANT TO SEE,
THEY WON'T SEE
BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN
LET YOU GET TO THE CORE PARTS.

Isn't it easy to assume there's nothing to get to?

There was something Mooji was saying.
He was using the analogy of a guy sitting on a case of gold
NEVER LOOKED INSIDE IT
WHY WOULD HE?
It just looked like an old case on the outside.
Probably nothing valuable on the inside.
Problem is they don't see me as anyone to listen to.
WHY SHOULD THEY? WHERE'S MY SUCCESS STORY?

WHEN PEOPLE BECOME SUPER SUCCESSFUL,
THEN THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

What sucks is people trying to talk down to me
LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
WHEN THEY .HAVEN'T EVEN LISTENED
TO ANYTHING I HAVE TO F*CKING SAY.

He's the kind of guy that says to me:
"stop wasting the air conditioning by opening and closing the door
to throw a bottle into the recycling."

THEN LIKE 20 MINUTES LATER
HE DID THE THING HE TOLD ME NOT TO DO.
BECAUSE I GUESS IT'S ONLY ME WASTING IT, NOT HIM.

Then instead of just letting me help clean off the table so we could sit at it.
He told me to go sit next to my mom
because "stop fidgeting, you're making me nervous."
BUT YET HE JUST DOES WHAT HE WANTS TO.

He just wants to hear what he wants to.
IF HE WANTS TO RAGE AND RANT FOR HOURS
EVERYONE HAS TO LISTEN TO THAT BS
BUT WHEN I WANTED TO JUST SHOW HIM SOMETHING...

Anyway, I got a strange text message and some guy said
that his friend got my number from his friend...

I don't know what to make of it.
For all I know could be a catfishing thing.

It's making me feel suspicious.
This type of thing doesn't happen to me.

And it's a texting app number I haven't even given out...
People I know, in my life, don't have it...

And I'm supposed to believe someone I know
gave my number to someone?

That's kind of sketching me out.

One) Because I don't know who gave anyone my number
Two) There's usually some hidden motive

Random texts from a random person?
He was saying maybe it's fate or luck...
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
I JUST HAVE A NUMBER AND A NAME.
He didn't have my name, just my number.

It's like AM I BEING PUNKED?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY LIFE'S F*CKING FELT LIKE.
ONE F*CKING RAGING JOKE AFTER ANOTHER.
Only funny if it's not happening to them, right?

Why wouldn't I be suspicious of
"too good to be true" stuff?

Just expect me to believe
someone gave them my number?
WHO? A FRIEND OF A FRIEND.
WHO THOUGH?

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHADY SH*T
I'VE BEEN THROUGH IN MY LIFE?!

If you can't tell me who you got my number from...
SPECIFICALLY...
BECAUSE YEAH. I WANT TO KNOW.
WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO KNOW?

LIKE IT KIND OF FEELS LIKE A SET UP.
LIKE TO TRY TO GRAIN MY TRUST TO DO SOMETHING.

AM I THIS JADED? But is it being jaded...
OR IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

It bugs me that even if something great was happening,
that's I've been through so much crap...
That anything good seems to feel like a set up.

But at the same time, things that I thought were the real deal
showed me many times why I should be careful what I wish for.


This time, I wasn't wishing for anything. Been there.
Same with the last time I was in a relationship.
I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
IT WAS CLOSE TO WHEN I FIRST QUIT DRINKING.
8 years ago.
Since then, I tried a couple of times.
Both times I wish I hadn't.
Just stayed single and worked on myself and my goals.
I don't find being single 'lonely.'

Actually, I'd rather be alone.
BECAUSE I CAN JUST BE IN MY OWN THOUGHTS.
AND NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE
WHO LITERALLY WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

People try talking to me under the 'guise' of helping me.
AND USUALLY, IT'S TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

The last guy wanted a neck massage.
HE JUST WANTED ME TO TOUCH HIM. 
HE DIDN'T NEED THE NECK MASSAGE.
HE JUST WANTED IT. 
FROM ME. GET IT?!

Under the guise of LOOKING LIKE
I NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.
DO I? OR AM I COOL WITH BEING ON MY OWN?

People make all kinds of assumptions about me.
Like I "need" some "help."
Because it's usually something about their ego
Like "I'm the one to help her."
Like "If I help her she might come to me for more help."

I DON'T F*CKING LIKE THAT.
IT'S MANIPULATION.

It's a ploy to get someone to OPEN UP.
TO TRUST THEM WITH WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY CAN DO
WHEN YOU OPEN UP TO PEOPLE?
THEY CAN USE WHAT YOU TELL THEM.
THEY CAN GO AND TELL EVERYONE.
THEY CAN USE IT TO GET YOU TO OPEN UP MORE.

This is why I have issues with trust.
Usually, people want to get you to talk
TO KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.
Yes, I'm still learning this.
(I'm being an open book on the internet).

Anyway, the people who've said they just wanted to help...
They've been some of the most manipulative people
I have ever encountered in my life.

Like it was somewhat of a manipulation
TO OFFER ME THEIR HELP.
AN EXCUSE TO TRY TO GET CLOSE TO ME.

I DON'T F*CKING LIKE IT.

But at the same time, when my intentions were to help
MY INTENTIONS WERE JUST TO HELP.

HOWEVER, IT WAS MY ONLY INTENT.
Because I don't use it as a guise for anything else.

Because despite anything I know...
(I don't know everything)
BUT MOSTLY IT'S JUST BEEN 
ME SITTING THERE LISTENING TO THEM.
THAT WASN'T HELPING ME.
IT WAS THEM HAVING MY ATTENTION.
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE MOTIVE.
THEN YOU HAVE TO ASK WHY
THEY WANT YOUR ATTENTION.

In mostly every case of this...
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AS A PERSON
IT WAS ABOUT WHAT THEY COULD TRY TO
GET FROM ME. 

Because they wanted to try to fit me into their plans.
DOES ANYONE ASK ME WHAT MY PLANS ARE?
OR ARE THEY TRYING TO FIT ME
INTO A ROLE THEY WANT ME TO PLAY?

Because when they do that...
THEY AREN'T SEEING ME FOR ME.
JUST THE ROLE THEY WANT ME TO PLAY.
I DON'T F*CKING LIKE IT.

BECAUSE WHAT ABOUT THE ROLE I WANT TO PLAY
IN MY OWN LIFE?
CONFLICTS WITH THE ROLE YOU WANT FOR ME
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT THE ROLE I WANT FOR ME.

AND WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO LET ME
PLAY MY OWN ROLE IN MY OWN LIFE...
BECAUSE THE ROLE THEY WANT
IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN ME HAVING MY OWN ROLE...

Like the guy who wanted the neck massage.
He wanted a "reason" to compliment me.
WITHOUT SEEMING CREEPY
BUT HOW CREEPY IS IT
TO WANT A NECK MASSAGE?
FROM A GIRL YOU JUST MET?

These are the things that I don't like.

They want to know HOW THEY CAN HELP
TO KNOW WHERE YOUR "PAIN" IS.

And yes, the last guy...
He was trying to get me to push others away.
TELLING ME HE KNEW THIS INFO
FROM PEOPLE I NEVER MET
WHO DIDN'T TELL ME THEMSELVES.

To make it seem like he can get whatever info he wants.
To try to make it seem that he had that power.

But if the info came from someone he knows.
WHY DID I NEVER MEET THE PERSON
WHO SUPPOSEDLY KNEW THE INFO
THAT HE GAVE ME?

And WHY DIDN'T I MEET ANYONE
WHO SAID A BUNCH OF SH*T ABOUT ME?
SAYING THAT I WAS SEEING THAT GUY.
I WASN'T.

Was he going around trying to say
that we were seeing each other? We weren't. 

Anyway, that is why I learned a lot of this
and got to spot some things like these.

AND YES, I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT
SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BS.

The most controlling and manipulative people I met.
Tried to play me against each other.
Him trying to play me against her
Her trying to play me against him.
And they were both trying to play me
against someone else.

These are the kinds of things that bother me
ABOUT SOCIALIZING IN GENERAL.

Because it often happens when you don't realize it
BECAUSE YOU'D THINK THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
AND LET YOU THINK FOR YOURSELF.

Why would a random guy I never met have my number
from someone he can't tell me how he got it?
To tell me it's fate?

He ends it with FEEL FREE TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT.
THEN YOU ASK A QUESTION
AND HE DOESN'T TEXT BACK LOL.

Was texting back when he said it was fate.

Then another guy, the guy who wanted to propose etc.
BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO FIT ME IN A ROLE.
TEXTS AND SAYS WE NEED A SOFA, 
WHERE CAN I GET ONE? PLEASE ADVISE.

On Tuesday he wants me to get him some groceries.
On the other side of town btw.

LIKE TRYING TO PUT ME IN THE ROLE OF WIFE.
LIKE I HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS FOR HIM
JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO DO THEM.
LIKE HE'LL JUST TRY TO TALK HIS WAY
INTO GETTING ME TO DO SOMETHING.

IT'S ABOUT CONTROL.

OTHERWISE, WHY TRY TO FIT THEM IN A ROLE?
Why can't they just "be"? 
THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN LIFE?

That's what a lot of people try to do to me.
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KEEP ME AROUND.
BECAUSE IF THEY CAN MANIPULATE ME
IT SERVES THEM.

Also, they often get jealous of someone else
GETTING THE BENEFITS
OF BEING AROUND ME
IF THEY AREN'T.

SO THEY BETTER KEEP ME
STUCK WITH AND TO THEM
SO IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE I WANT A LIFE OF MY OWN.
ONLY THE ROLE THEY WANTED FOR ME.

BUT IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

The more they ask me to do and do that to be nice, 
THE MORE THEY WILL ASK ME TO DO
UNTIL THEY CAN JUST TALK THEIR WAY
INTO THAT.

IT'S HARD TO DO THIS, BUT SAY NO.
NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

RANDOM DUDE WANTS A NECK RUB?
NO. 
IF HE GETS YOU TO DO THE DAMN NECK RUB
HE'LL TRY TO GUILT YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

IT'S OKAY TO SAY NO. ESPECIALLY TO BS.
ESPECIALLY TO EVEN MORE BS.
IF THAT'S ALL IT'S BEEN...

You know what's a f*cked up thing to do?
IS KEEP SOMEONE WAITING
WHILE YOU ACT
LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
IT WAS LIKE A 'DRUG' TO PLAY THAT GAME.
NOT FOR ME, FOR THEM.
UNTIL I STOPPED PLAYING IT.
BECAUSE IT WAS JUST AN EGO TRIP.
THE WHOLE THING.

The thing is, I didn't realize that's what it was.
BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT.
FOR ME NOT TO HAVE REALIZED RIGHT AWAY...

Thing with me is that I'm not like that
so trying to figure out what's even going on
and why someone might be doing it
TOOK TOO LONG.
ESPECIALLY UP TO NOW.

But the more you say no, the easier it will get.
It's hard to say no when you do things to be nice.

Sometimes being alive is more important than being nice.
Sometimes being nice kept people alive.

I was watching a video about a case
where a woman doused another woman with gas
and lit a match.
The woman who was burnt so bad
that she wasn't recognizable...

She was just working a regular day at work.
AND THE FEMALE WHO SET THE WOMAN ON FIRE
ACTUALLY HAD THE GAS PAID FOR
BY ANOTHER WOMAN. WTF.

SHE WAS LIKE: I BOUGHT HER FIVE DOLLARS OF GAS
AND THIS IS WHAT THIS B*TCH GONNA DO?

IMAGINE.THAT.SH*T. WTF.

The female who did it was racist
claiming racism.
IT WAS A HATE CRIME.

it was either she said something
or she said she said something
BUT EITHER WAY...
WHY LIGHT HER ON FIRE?

There was the part where she wanted to take the money
which she didn't end up taking.

EVEN THEN...

I don't know why that came to mind, 
I was trying to tie it in somewhere, but I forget where.

BECAUSE THE CASE ITSELF
IS HARD TO FORGET.

She was just working a regular shift.

As I was just writing this...
I got a text from that guy "A*** answer me !!!"
This is the type of control people want over me.
TO THE POINT THAT THEY GET MAD
IF I DON'T ANSWER THEM RIGHT AWAY.

MAYBE I AM BUSY PLAYING THE ROLE
THAT I WANT TO PLAY IN MY OWN LIFE.

IF SOMEONE GETS ANGRY AT ME FOR DOING THAT...
I DON'T HAVE TO STAY OR BE IN THEIR LIFE.

ESPECIALLY ANGER TO TRY TO CONTROL.
BECAUSE NOW HE'S DEMANDING
THAT I ANSWER HIM.

What bugs me is if I send a message
WITH NO EXPECTATION OF AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE
THEY THINK I EXPECT IT.

WHEN I LEAVE A MESSAGE, IT'S JUST LEAVING A MESSAGE.
IT DOESN'T MEAN "ANSWER ME !!!"
IT DOESN'T MEAN I EXPECT ANYONE
TO ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE TO ME.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN ROLE TO PLAY
IN THEIR OWN LIFE!!!
JUST LIKE I DO!!!

Someone who told me "you only got angry
because you didn't get what you wanted."

AND JUST BECAUSE THE RANDOM GUY
WHO STARTED TEXTING ME OUT OF NOWHERE
SAYING HE GOT MY NUMBER FROM
A FRIEND OF A FRIEND
BUT CAN'T TELL ME WHO?

JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS FEEL FREE TO ASK WHAT YOU WANT...
DOESN'T MEAN HE'LL BE TELLING ME THE TRUTH.
ONLY WHAT HE THOUGHT I WANTED TO HEAR.
SOME ANSWER THAT HE THOUGHT I'D ACCEPT
AS TO WHY HE HAS MY NUMBER.
WHICH I NEVER GAVE OUT.
FOR ANYONE TO GET, 
LET ALONE SOME RANDOM GUY.

He knows it looks dodgy how he has my number.
The more he kept dodging who he supposedly got it from...
HE WOULD WANT TO KNOW, TOO.
WOULDN'T YOU?

Maybe there's more than one person trying to get me to play a role
that I don't want to play in their life
getting upset that I don't want to play the role they want me to.

"Maybe it's fate if you give it a chance."
BUT WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO?

I'M NOT THE ONE TEXTING SOMEONE
WHO I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE PERSON
BUT I SUPPOSEDLY GOT THEIR NUMBER
FROM A FRIEND OF A FRIEND
BUT I DON'T SAY WHO.

AND USE A COMMON NAME.
NO LAST NAME.

I'M NOT THE ONE DOING THAT.
BECAUSE IT LOOKS WEIRD.
OF COURSE PEOPLE WOULD LOOK AT IT WEIRD.

It's been somewhat of a mind f*ck.
He was trying to get me to find him a sofa
because he says to get a massage
with anointed oil.

THAT IS A REASON TO GET ME OVER THERE.
BECAUSE WHEN I DO GO
HE SAYS HE MISSED ME.

NO, HE MISSED WHAT HE WAS GETTING
FROM ME BEING THERE.

HE MISSES THE CONTROL HE THINKS HE HAS.
BY TRYING TO GET ME TO DO THINGS.
LIKE I'M ONLY THERE FOR HIS SATISFACTION.

That's what f*cking bothers me. I don't like it.
This is why I don't want to stay in anyone's life long. 
This is why it's fine for me to be on my own.


But when you venture out on your own
BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE
ANY OTHER REASON THAN WANTING TO...
THEY SEEM TO GET MAD.
THAT'S NOT ANYTHING I WANT TO BE IN.
IF SOMEONE GETS MAD AT ME
FOR DOING SOMETHING
THEY WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO DO TO THEM.

LIKE AT LEAST GIVE ME THE REAL REASON
YOU HAVE OR SOMEHOW GOT MY NUMBER...

OR THE REAL REASON YOU THINK 'WE' NEED A SOFA...
THE REAL REASON YOU DEMAND AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.
THE REAL REASON YOU'RE TRYING TO KEEP ME AROUND
BY TRYING TO GET ME TO DO THINGS
ACCORDING TO THE ROLE YOU WANT ME TO PLAY...

It reminds me of a movie I saw called Devil's Pond.
The guy in the movie played a role of boyfriend
to trick her into marrying him
only to try to keep her captive
on a small remote island
that was just big enough for a house.

It starts off innocent. That they're on their honeymoon...

Maybe the only reason the random guy texted me
was to try to get me to respond.
He kept it going.

BUT TO EXPECT THAT NOT TO MAKE ME WONDER
ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY COULD BE GOING ON?
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I TRUST SOME RANDOM DUDE
TEXTING ME SAYING HE GOT MY NUMBER FROM SOMEONE.
AND HE'D HAVE TO TRY TO KEEP THAT LIE GOING
AND CREATING MORE TO  COVER IT UP, RIGHT?

WHAT IS SOMEONE'S BEEN TRYING TO LURE ME?

Asking me to do things like pick up groceries.
THAT'S TRYING TO LURE ME OVER.
TELLING ME THE SOFA IS FOR A MASSAGE FOR ME.

IT MAKES ME QUESTION THINGS. 
THEY CAN'T EXPECT ME NOT TO.
THEY JUST DON'T WANT ME TO.
BECAUSE WHEN I DO, THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW.
THAT THERE'S MORE TO IT.
OR ELSE WHY?

If you grant someone access to you, they have access.
But when you revoke it, they get mad.

Was it someone who had my number?
Pretending to be someone else?

I'm not in a space where I'm fully believing
THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTS
TO GET TO KNOW ME.

FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THAT.

DO I NEED A RELATIONSHIP?
ESPECIALLY AFTER SOMEONE CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE?
AND TRIED LAUGHING IN MY FACE ABOUT IT?

Sure, choose whoever...
BUT TO DO IT TO LAUGH IN MY FACE ABOUT IT?
WAS THE WHOLE REASON TO LAUGH IN MY FACE?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE CHOSEN
SO SOMEONE COULD LAUGH IN SOMEONE'S FACE?
TO COMPARE ME TO THEM?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES THAT?
Someone THAT EGOTISTICAL, ARROGANT, IMMATURE?
Where's the appeal there? Any?
Why would that be attractive to me?

LIKE WHO TF DO THEY THINK I AM
TO EVER THINK THAT I WOULD FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE?

Another thing that bothers me. Is being nice just to be nice
and just no acknowledgement.

I wanted to surprise a friend of a friend.
So I mailed it to my friend's house for him to give to him for me
and he did and the guy said nothing to me.
About it or since then.

But I did it because he remembered me at Christmas once.
I said something once about Bill & Ted.
And he got me something related to Bill & Ted.

So I did something nice for him, but he didn't say anything.
WHAT BOTHERS ME ISN'T THAT HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
OR ACKNOWLEDGED IT.
IT IS MAYBE THE THOUGHT BEHIND IT
LIKE MAYBE THERE WAS SOME OTHER REASON I DID.
THERE WASN'T. 

Anyway, it was the thought that he even thought of me at all.
To me, it was.
It wasn't that he got me the thing.
It's that he remembered something I said.

Anyway, there are people with pure intentions. There are.
Mine are pure. When I am helping someone it's about helping.
NOT TO TRY TO LURE THEM IN A GUISE OF HELPING.
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HELPING.
THAT'S NOT WHAT HELPING IS.

AT THE SAME TIME BE MINDFUL OF THOSE
WHO ARE ASKING FOR HELP.

Speaking of being lured.
The time the guy tried luring me to the car
WITH A VIDEO OF ME I KNOW HE DIDN'T HAVE.

HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE A VIDEO OF ME?
I'M HOME MOST OF THE TIME FFS.

Why is that?

The random guy still can't tell me
who he supposedly got my number from.

Maybe they think I'm not going to call that out?
Then I do and they have nothing to say?

WHY IS THAT INTIMIDATING, THOUGH?
Even gave him a chance to be completely honest.
Didn't say anything.

BECAUSE ONLY A FEW PEOPLE
EVEN HAVE THAT NUMBER
LET ALONE KNOW IT'S MINE.
LET ALONE WOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE
AND NOT TELL ME.

HE WAS SAYING IF THE GUY HE GOT MY NUMBER FROM
WAS EVEN USING HIS REAL NAME...

WHY WOULD PEOPLE USING FAKE NAMES
HAVE MY NUMBER?
LET ALONE GIVE IT TO SOMEONE?

THEN HE TRIED TO REDIRECT ME
TO OTHER TOPICS AND OTHER QUESTIONS.

It's stuff like this that surprises me if something's genuine.
But why a run around about how you got my number?
BECAUSE IF THAT'S A THING
WHAT ELSE IS A THING?
THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE THINGS?

THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME.
Things that shouldn't be things.

I know what it's like to be told you're being fake
when I was genuinely being myself without any pretenses.
Just to be myself.
It's not being seen.

But there was something bothering me.
THE FACT HE COULDN'T ACCOUNT FOR
HOW HE HAD MY PHONE NUMBER.

I don't know why it's so damn hard to just say something.
AND GO TO WHATEVER LENGTHS...
TO TRY TO SUCKER ME INTO WHAT?
SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED IN?

IF IT'S NOT BASED ON THE TRUTH, 
IT'S MORE OR LESS A LIE, RIGHT?

And last time someone had my number
WITHOUT MY KNOWLEGE OR CONSENT
IT WAS SOMEONE TRYING TO COME AT ME.
WHO WAS COMPETING WITH ME
AND I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.

They try to come at me in a type of way
that doesn't get them very far.

It's not a game.
So don't talk to me as though it is.
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO
CONTACTING ME OUT OF THE BLUE.

BECAUSE USUALLY, THERE'S A REASON.
ALL THE F*CKED UP BS HAPPENED FOR A REASON.

Why wouldn't I be guarded,
then talk to me like they wouldn't be, too?

Trying to get me to move on from wanting to know?
And getting mad for not answering when he wanted.
People getting mad for not responding when they want
and try to get you to move from an important topic
LIKE YOU OWE IT TO OVERLOOK A RED FLAG.

THEN THEY USE WEAPONIZED INCOMPETANCE
SO THAT YOU CAN'T GET THE TRUTH
BECAUSE SOMEHOW THEY CAN'T SAY MORE
OR THEY DON'T KNOW MORE
THAN WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.
THEN WHEN YOU DON'T JUST ACCEPT IT
THEY GET MAD.

NOT SOMEONE I'D WANT TO DATE.

BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE THOSE QUESTIONS TOO.
WHY ARE YOU CONTACTING ME
AND HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER?
BECAUSE I NEED TO VERIFY YOU'RE STORY.

If you find it weird THAT I WANT TO VERIFY WHAT YOU TELL ME.
WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHO TF YOU ARE...
as though you wouldn't do that...

ANYONE COULD BE TEXTING ME
SAYING WHATEVER
THEN GET MAD I DON'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING EVERYONE TELLS ME?

I asked around and got your number and that's that?
And I'm just not supposed to ask any questions about it?

Because there's a specific point to it.
OR WHY CONTACT ME AT ALL?
ME SPECIFICALLY?
AND NOT WANT TO ANSWER THAT?
THEN WHAT ELSE?

why go to any length to try to get me to move on from that?
SO I WOULDN'T LOOK INTO IT?
WHY IS THAT?

WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE STRONG BOUNDARIES?

I DIDN'T TURN ANYTHING MESSY INTO ANYTHING MESSY.
BECAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING.

And why am I not doing anything?
Because I don't want anything.

WHEN YOUR INTENTIONS ARE PURE
YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING
SO YOU DON'T GET MAD
WHEN YOU DON'T GET
WHAT YOU WANTED.

IF THAT MAKES SENSE.

THAT'S WHY I'M NOT TRYING TO HOLD
ONTO ANYONE FOR ANY REASON.

BECAUSE I NEVER WANTED
ANYONE FOR ANY REASON
THAN TO BE WITH THAT PERSON.

And if they can't see that, then I can't see it for them.
I'd rather let anyone who thinks I want them for their money
EVEN BE TOLD THAT
TO GO THINK IT FAR TF AWAY FROM ME.

BUT TO TEXT ME AND NOT TELL ME
EXACTLY HOW YOU GOT MY NUMBER?
AND I'M EXPECTED TO TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT?

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I DID TAKE PEOPLE
FOR THEIR WORD?

Not that everyone can't be.
JUST HARD FOR ME TO DO THAT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE I'M SINGLE DOESN'T MEAN
I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE.

And I'm allowed to not want to be with anyone.
BUT WHEN YOU CAN'T TELL ME
HOW YOU GOT MY NUMBER...
THEN GET MAD AT ME?

I'M ALLOWED NOT TO WANT TO DATE
AND I'M ALLOWED TO WANT PROOF
OF WHO SOMEONE SAYS THEY ARE.

AND THEM NOT GETTING MAD
THAT I WANT THEM TO.

THAT I WANT THEM TO SAY WHO THEY ARE
WITHOUT GETTING MAD AT ME.

WOULDN'T THEY WANT THAT FROM ME?

So the guy was like ext question
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

OBVIOUSLY THERE WAS A REASON
HE EVEN CONTACTED ME AT ALL.
BUT WANTING ME TO SKIP OVER ALL OF THAT?
why should I skip over that? Would you?
Just to talk to a stranger?
Who got mad that I want to know how he got my number
and his story isn't checking out.

ONE SURE WAY FOR ME NOT TO WANT TO TALK
IS GETTING MAD AT ME FOR NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
SO I HAVE NO REASON TO BE MAD.

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND. WHO THOUGH?
THEN EXT QUESTION?

I CAN walk away because I wasn't in anything
TO GET ANYTHING FROM ANYONE, PERIOD.

ANYONE GETTING MAD AT ME
WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME.

BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T,
WHY GET MAD? WHY NOT WISH ME WELL?
If you're not in your EGO, you CAN wish someone well
WITHOUT GETTING MAD.

You can't get mad at me for trying to involve me
IN SOMETHING I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR.
THEN WHEN I SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT ME OR FOR ME
IF SOMEONE'S GETTING MAD AT ME
FOR ME NOT WANTING TO BE MANIPULATED.

Because it's not about money for me.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING BAD ENOUGH
TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
OR BE TRAPPED BECAUSE SOMEONE
DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

Do I need to be around anyone greedy and selfish?
To the point they get angry?

When someone contacts me out of the blue
and doesn't want to say who they got my number from...
BUT GETS BOTHERED THAT IT BOTHERS ME?

Firstly, nobody just texts me.
I have no idea who it is.

I'd be surprised if people are who they say they are.
Of course I want to think that.
Because I am who I say I am...
BUT PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.
OR THEY TRY TO.

That's what I don't like.

WHEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.
BUT THEY SOMEHOW TRY TO USE THAT
TO DO SOMETHING.
OR TRY TO DO SOMETHING.

I either confront people who got mad
FOR WHY THEY GOT MAD.
OR I JUST WALK AWAY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Because if they already got mad
they'll likely be aggressive again
IF THEY AREN'T GETTING WHAT THEY WANT.
AND MY JOB ISN'T BENDING TO THEIR WILL.

NOT EVEN TO BE NICE.

Being mad at me because I want to know
HOW YOU GOT MY NUMBER
ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ME WANT TO DATE YOU.

Being mad at me because you EXPECT
AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE
Because there's something YOU want
FROM ME.
DOESN'T GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.

I DON'T OWE THEM ACCESS TO ME.
TO JUST ASK FOR MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE.
I'M NOT HERE LIKE A MAGIC FAIRY, FOR ONE.
I PLAY A ROLE IN MY OWN LIFE, FOR TWO.

And what bothers me is when someone
THINKS THEY TRIED EVERYTHING
EXCEPT LISTENING
And obviously it's not going to work
IF YOU DON'T F*CKING WANT TO LISTEN.

I'm not talking about listen to me so I can get my way.
I'M TALKING LISTENING TO WHAT I AM SAYING
TO UNDERSTAND WHY I'M SAYING IT.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL I'VE WANTED.
For what though?
A BROKEN MIRROR AND A THERMOS OF P*SS?


Because I sure feel f*cking UNDESRSTOOD.

And that was the point. To keep me confused.
AS TO WHY SOMEONE WOULD GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.

To get something? Have something? Take something?
WAS I DOING ANYTHING TO GET SOMETHING?
IF I WAS... I'D STILL BE TRYING TO GET IT!!! GET IT?!

OR WHY ASK FOR ANYTHING LET ALONE MORE AND MORE?
TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.
What is it that I've been trying to get?

It feels like a bunch of people lately.
SO SOME RANDOM GUY 
SHOWING UP RANDOMLY...

AND DOESN'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT HOW IT'S PROBABLY NOT
AS RANDOM AS HE'S TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM.

SO WHY WOULD HE GO OUT OF HIS WAY
TO TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM RANDOM.
When it's likely not, at all.
And if someone doesn't want to talk about that...
WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?

Like I couldn't ever talk to my parents
ABOUT HOW IT WAS FOR ME AND STILL IS FOR ME.
BECAUSE WHY POINT ANYTHING OUT TO THEM?
THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG.
At all, let alone to me, right?

And my stepfather the other day
SAYING IT WAS CAS'S FAULT
THAT I ENDED UP IN THEIR CARE
WHEN MY MOTHER TOLD ME TO HER FACE
THAT SHE SIGNED HER PARENTAL RIGHTS OF ME
AWAY TO THEM.
AND YES, SHE LEFT ME THERE FFS.

So my stepfather trying to tell me it was
ANY OTHER F*CKING WAY
IT'S A DAMN LIE.
LITERALLY TRIED LYING IN MY FACE.
OR MY MOTHER LIED TO HIS FACE.
WHO KNOWS? BUT SHE TOLD ME TO MY FACE.

She can't act like a f*cking victim when she wasn't.
LIKE THE CAS TOOK ME AWAY
NO. MY MOTHER SIGNED HER RIGHTS AWAY.
SHE TOLD ME TO MY FACE.

And now they want to try to gaslight me, too?

It's not my imagination that these things have been happening.
Why they'd go out of their way, though?

My mother went out of her way to sign her rights away
TRYING TO PLAY VICTIM LIKE THEY TOOK ME
FROM HER WHEN SHE.LEFT.ME.THERE.

Did she do it to my brothers? No? She did it to me.
Yet, I still tried having her in my life.

BEING AWAY FROM HER THOUGH
WAS PROBALY FOR MY OWN GOOD.

SHE DIDN'T CARE HOW I FELT.
DID ANYONE?

No. She wanted the attention on her.
She could have that when I wasn't around.

SIGNING HER RIGHTS AWAY
SHE KNEW THERE WOULDN'T BE ANYTHING SHE COULD DO
TO GET ME BACK.

But DID SHE TELL ANYONE THAT SHE SIGNED HER RIGHTS AWAY?
NO. BECAUSE WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

She could just be a "good mom" to my brothers.
And nobody would ever know what happened, right?

Try telling that to anyone, though.
And not just try telling that to anyone...
Try living that as your actual 'relationship' to your mother.

Like jealous of any kind of attention you get from anyone.
But I never saw it because that's my mother.
Why would my mom be that way with me, right?

I don't know. Why would someone not sit next to me
at a funeral ffs? 

I'm not even all that attractive to be jealous of. 

I was at my parents' place and a guy showed up
to talk to my stepfather about doing work to the place.

The guy thought that my stepfather was my brother haha.
Thought my mom was his mom, not his wife.
THAT MADE MY MOM SO MAD.
I corrected him, my stepfather corrected him.
My mom was mad.

When my Grandmother and I went with my mom
to the casino and I won
My mom was mad at me for winning.


Like I don't believe she's ever been happy for me, ever.
I don't like saying it and feeling it is worse.

If I've been happy, she's been mad at me for being happy, even.
I can be happy for other people.

Like when I watch those golden buzzer videos
or (the other show I like to watch)
WHERE I SEE SOMEONE BEING HELPED.
I'M HAPPY FOR THE PERSON
BEING HELPED.

The reason I am proud of myself
IS BECAUSE I WAS PUT AT A HUGE DISADVANTAGE
ON PURPOSE AND I'M STILL COMING OUT BETTER
THAN ANYONE ELSE COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

BEING DISGARDED AND DISREGARDED THE WAY I WAS.
BY MY OWN FAMILY AND STILL GIVING THEM CHANCES.
EVEN TO BE REAL ABOUT IT TO MY FACE.

And real about it, everyone who did it.
TO EVERYONE ABOUT IT.


They don't tell anyone about how they wanted to take advantage
Or how they purposely pushed you out of the way.

OR ELSE WHY WOULD MY MOTHER DO THAT?
BECAUSE SHE WANTED CONTROL.

IF SHE COULDN'T CONTROL ME
SHE COULD TRY TO CONTROL THE NARATIVE ABOUT ME.

AND YEAH, It's p*ssed me off.
But if everyone's going to assume, 
NONE OF THEM NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
AND THAT'S BEEN FINE WITH ME.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT BEEN ABOUT ME.
IT'S BEEN MOSTLY ABOUT HER.

Who was there for her to do what I was told...?
WHO WAS THERE WHEN SHE NEEDED ME?
JUST LIKE I WAS EXPECTED TO DO, RIGHT?

Like I was expected to just ext question.
About how someone got my number?

And my mother taking it for granted
THAT I NEVER TOLD EVERYONE
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
BUT PEOPLE THINKING I'M LIKE MY MOTHER,
THAT BOTHERS ME.

If you've known all the odds against me
AND HOW WELL, CONSIDERING,
I'VE TAKEN IT...

EVERYTHING. 
THEN MAYBE I'D GET SOME CREDIT.
Even though, it was never about it.

They don't think about it
SO WHY WOULD THEY ACKNOWLEDGE IT?
LET ALONE UNDERSTAND IT?

I don't want to deal with immature people. 
This is probably WHY I DON'T.

But if I told him to his face that what he was saying was a lie...
EVERYONE WHO LIED TO ME AND ABOUT ME...
THEY WOULDN'T BE THINKING
ANYTHING'S FUNNY.

Then say I wasn't treating him like an equal?

HOW WAS I EVER TREATED EQUAL IN MY LIFE?
Because of what, though?

It's like people lie to me and about me
AND NOTHING I SAY MATTERS.
SO THEY WON'T HEAR IT.

SO I KEEP WHAT I KNOW TO MYSELF
AND LET THEM THINK WHATEVER THEY WANT.
IF THEY THINK I KNOW NOTHING.
I JUST LET THEM THINK THAT.
Why waste my thoughts on people
who won't admit anything?

WHO HAVE NOT TAKEN AN HONEST
LOOK AT THEMSELVES, LET ALONE AT ME?

That's why I don't have certain conversations with certain people.
BUT THEY SEEM TO KNOW
THERE ARE MANY SIDES OF ME.
SIDES I DON'T SHOW TO ANYONE ANYMORE.

OR ELSE HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT I KNOW?
How could I be how I am?
They aren't like that, aren't like me, they don't like it.

IT MAKES THEM NERVOUS.
Because on some level they know that I know.
AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING
FOR THEM TO KNOW THIS.
THEY FEEL IT.
THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

Any insecurity that comes out... Around me...
I GET BLAMED FOR IT
WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

If I don't want to date/marry/or f*ck anyone...
DON'T F*CKING BLAME ME FOR IT.
AND NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT
TO BE MAD AT ME FOR IT.

Anyone who would be MAD about it...
ARE PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO BE ABOUT.

I play a role in my own life. First.

It's to the point that IF ANYONE GOT IT.
THEY WOULDN'T ACT THE WAY THEY DO
ESPECIALLY WHEN TRYING TO ACT
LIKE THEY DIDN'T
EVEN WHEN THEY DID IT TO YOUR FACE.

I'd be surprised. If they did.

And my stepfather saying how my ex should have stood up for me
WHO THE HELL WAS STANDING UP FOR ME?
ANYONE?

Or just want to say WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN?
HAD I HAD ANYONE
MAYBE MY LIFE COULD HAVE TURNED OUT DIFFERENT.
AND PEOPLE GET MAD FOR ME
STANDING UP FOR MYSELF.
WHO'S GOING TO?
WHO WOULD HAVE?
HIM? WHO?
ME.

IT'S LIKE BEING PUSHED TO DO IT
AND GET BLAMED FOR DOING IT.

Pushed to want to isolate myself
because people act like I owe them
EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE.
I DON'T.

Do I want to share sometimes?
Aspects of my life and of myself?
Then what happens?
People who want to have their needs and wants met
DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE THAT I HAVE MY OWN
NEEDS AND WANTS, TOO.

"A*** answer me !!!"
Who am I to play my own role in my own life?

I'm just supposed to be here all the time?
TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY? NO.

Because WHEN I WAS THERE TRYING
IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET TO JUST BE ALL LIKE
MAKING CHOICES FOR ME.

Like if the guy had it his way
WE'D BE MARRIED AND LIVING TOGETHER.
And he got mad that I don't want to give him
THAT MUCH ACCESS TO ME.

I DIDN'T REPLY TO SOMETHING
HOW AND WHEN HE WANTED ME TO
HE GOT MAD.

I DON'T TOLERATE THAT.

You give someone too much of you
they'll act like they are entitled. He's not.

I told him that nobody is entitled to have full access to me.
Demanding that I answer him is not going to get him what he wants.
Nobody has a reason to be mad at me for the role I want to play
in my life. I don't answer to anyone.
Nobody has rights over me.

If that's going to make him mad,
then I have every right not to engage anymore.

Basically he said, I read the constitution and the bible, 
It's about respecting humanity.

As though he didn't demand that I answer him.
Random text guy didn't say anything
about demanding that I change the topic.
NOT JUST ONCE BTW.

IS THERE A REASON HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
HOW HE GOT MY NUMBER?

BECAUSE HE PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT 
TO TALK ABOUT WHY HE EVEN TEXTED ME.

It'd just be a loop of unanswered questions.

Someone asked me once:
Why settle for partial truths?

IF THEY CAN'T BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES
ABOUT WHY THEY WANT WHAT THEY WANT
AND WHY THEY THINK IT'S UP TO ME
TO JUST LET THEM HAVE EVERYTHING?

Imagine it was me going out there 
DOING TO EVERYONE EVERYTHING THEY DID TO ME?

And he's trying to again not seem like he got upset about it.
AND DEMANDING THAT I ANSWER HIM.

No, only about this and this.
I confess everything else.

CONFESS WHAT?
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE TO CONFESS ABOUT ME?
THERE SHOULD BE NOTHING.

I CAME INTO IT WITH INNOCENSE. 

Can you get why I have to question everything?
NO. I WASN'T ANGRY WITH YOU
AND DEMANDING THAT YOU ANSWER ME.
"BECAUSE I READ THE BIBLE."

Well, even bishops watch p0rn. Not all, but
you can "trust" them because they read the bible.

If anyone has an issue with me having an issue with something.
That's their issue, not mine.

Because having an issue with something
SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE.

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND.
IF IT WAS EVEN HIS REAL NAME.

I DON'T LIKE HOW IT FEELS.

TO BE FAIR TO MYSELF, IS TO KEEP TO MYSELF.

I wouldn't be surprised if the random dude wasn't a dude.
Someone trying to spy on me, maybe.

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T READ MESSAGES
THAT I'M NOT SENDING TO ANYONE.

IN THE DRAMA, THE GAME, THEY WERE DOING THAT.
Reading my messages, trying to come for me, threatening me.
SO WOULD I TRUST THEM?
AND THEY WOULD LASH OUT
OR ELSE WHY THREATEN TO?

if they didn't want CONTROL
WHY WOULD THEY MAKE DEMANDS?

The ONLY reason to see me as a threat 
is to do with something they don't have.
OTHERWISE WHY EVEN BE ANGRY?
AT ME FOR ANYTHING I CAN'T CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF.

But don't be mad at me like you're entitled to anything about me.
That's what it'd be like I was doing that sh*t?!
MAKING DEMANDS!
TO TRY TO CONTROL AND MANIPULATE.
NO THANKS.

THEN TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY DIDN'T.

Who'd not want me to know how they got my number?
OR GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO GET IT?
IF THEY DID, NOT DIRECTLY FROM ME...
WHAT'S THAT SAY?

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, 
BUT I'LL GO BEHIND YOUR BACK TO GET YOUR NUMBER?
and not tell you how or why?

HOW AND WHY MATTER TO ME.
WHEN IT COMES TO SOMEONE HAVING MY NUMBER.

Because it speaks to who someone is.
ESPECIALLY WHY.

There've been some things I wrote about on here.
the only times I got upset 
WAS BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T SEE
WHY I WAS DOING WHAT I DID.

WHY I WAS HELPING, WHY I CARED.
IT WASN'T TO SAY I DID IT.
IT WASN'T TO GET ANYTHING.
WHY WAS IT, THEN?

And being accused of sh*t I don't do.
BUT NOBODY GETS TO TRY TO CONTROL ME.
BY GETTING MAD AT ME.
TO EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE OR OTHERWISE.

I've already been through this sh*t.

Since I'm not there for the money, I can go.
VERY EASILY.

Since I'm not there to make demands, I can go.
VERY EASILY.

IF THEY DON'T GET THAT, I CAN GO.

I'm not there to try to sell anyone a dream ffs.
So maybe I don't want to be sold one, either.
WHY? JUST TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN?
TO GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE?

WHAT? WHAT YOU WANT ME TO? F THAT.
WHY? WHY IS THAT?
OH! YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
TO BE ACCOUNTABLE
FOR HOW YOU GOT MY NUMBER?
OR TRYING TO LIE TO ME?


That's the kind of sh*t that bothers me. Okay?
Just as much as being accused of it.


WHAT WOULD A GUY THINK
IF I JUST TOLD HIM I GOT HIS NUMBER
FROM A FRIEND OF A FRIEND
AND DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

And was all like I can't tell you anymore than I already did.
Every time I brought it up, he would try to get me to
Ext question.

Like that's scary as it is.
Because if it's not a lie
THEY COULD VERIFY IT FOR ME.

VERIFY HOW YOU GOT MY NUMBER.
IF YOU CAN'T OR WON'T, AM I TO TRUST?

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN GET MAD
THAT I WANT THEM TO VERIFY IT FOR ME.
IF IT COULD JUST BE VERIFIED.

THEY GET MAD BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO?
OR BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T?

ALSO I DON'T HAVE TO REPLY TO NUMBERS I DON'T KNOW.
SO IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA NOT TO.

Random guy looking for someone to date?
Or some random guy somehow found my number
THEN REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
Then gets bothered THAT I DO?

Maybe there's a reason I'm single.
The guy who texted me knows I'm single.
Because supposedly he got my number from a friend of a friend
WHO ALSO KNOWS I'M SINGLE?
WHO IS THE FRIEND WHO KNOWS I'M SINGLE?
BUT WHO HAS THAT NUMBER? NOT MANY.

WOULD BE REALLY EASY TO NARROW THAT UP.
REALLY EASY TO CLEAR THAT UP.
So why was that an issue?

IT SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE.


It would be an issue to someone else.
If I had an issue with them asking me.
They'd have an issue with me having an issue with that.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I?
THAT'S WHY.

One thing I learned about dating.
Most people are looking for someone to be happy with.
LIKE "I CAN ONLY BE HAPPY WITH..."
No. Happiness isn't dependent on being WITH anyone.
Because it's a feeling that you can feel
independently of anyone.

Even though, the idea of having a partner is nice.
There's been loads of weird stuff.
The immaturity stuff, though, I'm not going to do that.
I've worked too hard for my own worth
that I'm not going to just hand it over.

But am I going to date someone who doesn't want me to ask:
HOW DID YOU GET MY PHONE NUMBER?
Then tells me Ext Question. WTF.
WHY TRY TO CONTROL ME?
OVER THAT?
WHAT'S THAT LOOK LIKE?
SOMETHING I WANT?

If you're going to hide from me
HOW YOU GOT MY NUMBER...
Then, what's there to say?
YOU'LL HIDE YOUR  REAL NAME, INTENT ETC.


It bugs me being treated like I don't know this stuff.
I KNOW THIS STUFF BECAUSE OF THIS STUFF.

Vibrations: Sends someone.
Me: HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER?
Him: Ext Question
????

Another part I don't like:
Next Question 
Or are we still stuck on the first one?
EXCUSE ME?!
YOU F*CKING CONTACTED ME FFS.

How is that going to get you whatever it is
you think you want?

OR ARE WE STILL STUCK ON THE FIRST ONE?

You contact me saying you want to get to "know" me
BUT DON'T TELL ME WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT ME.
Seems you knew something about me to want to contact me.
SAID SOMEONE PASSED YOU MY NUMBER
BUT WHO?

As an adult, you have the CHOICE
NOT TO TALK LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE.
and you don't have to engage.

That's the kind of sh*t I don't want to revisit.

Emotional things that have nothing to do with me
FROM PAST STUFF THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Was the next question he wanted: When can we meet? 
HE WANTED TO GET TO THE NEXT QUESTION.
NOW THERE AREN'T ANY.

JUST LIKE I WARNED HIM THERE WOULDN'T BE
IF SOMETHING THAT SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE
WAS SOMEHOW AN ISSUE.

But DON'T ASK ABOUT HOW I GOT YOUR NUMBER
Is a big one.
BECAUSE WHY HIDE THAT?