Not Worth The Fight

Some things that you think you want
THAT SOMEHOW YOU SEEM TO HAVE TO FIGHT FOR...
YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF:
IS THIS WORTH THE FIGHT? OR NOT?

Because if it's not, it's not.
Just that simple.

I decided THAT I WON'T FIGHT WITH ANYONE
TO PROVE MY WORTH. 

If there is anyone who doesn't want to see it,
they don't have to see it.
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY.

Something that I went through with some people.
Been through so much sh*t... That, do I want to keep going?

Someone said: Just because we think it's a missed opportunity
Doesn't mean that it wasn't a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. 
Just because someone's willing to put you through
A WHOLE BUNCH OF SH*T
THEY NEVER HAD TO PUT YOU THROUGH
DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO STAY
FOR THEM TO PUT YOU THROUGH
MORE OF WHAT THEY PUT YOU THROUGH.
THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO.

I say this because I never needed to stay
FOR MORE OF THAT SH*T.
YET I DID. FOR TOO F*CKING LONG.

BECAUSE I WANTED WHAT I WANTED
AND THOUGHT THEY WANTED WHAT I WANTED
TOO.

If I met someone who actually was for real...
I don't know why, maybe because I'm not used to that...
Maybe it would FEEL too good to be true.
EVEN IF IT'S NOT.

But just because I experienced a whole bunch of sh*t
Doesn't mean that THEY don't know what they want.
And possibly want the same things that I do.

That's why random text dude... 
"I want to get to know you."
I automatically thought what I thought.
Nobody can blame me for that...
BUT JUST BECAUSE I'VE DEALT WITH SH*TS
DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE IS A SH*T.

I don't have anyone saying they want to get to know me.
I don't typically get random texts.
Especially on the heels of a bunch of bullsh*t...

How do I know if someone is who they say they are?
I can say that for myself, too, though.
How does anyone know if I am who I say I am?

Because I 'could' be in it just for myself, right?
But JUST BECAUSE I COULD BE, 
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM.

But do I push EVERYONE AWAY?
JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD BE IN IT FOR THEMSELVES?

And if someone IS who they say they are...
THAT would probably shock me at this point.
It probably shouldn't.
NOT EVERYONE IS OUT THERE TO DO ME DIRTY.

But do I push EVERYONE away IN CASE they ARE?
Just to 'protect my peace'?

Not gonna lie. Not dealing with any bullsh*t
IS PRETTY F*CKING PEACEFUL.
And I don't want to sacrifice my peace, self-respect, etc.
FOR ANY BULLSH*T.

Just like NOBODY even owes me the chance
TO SHOW ANYONE THAT I'M NOT ABOUT IT.
I don't owe that, either.

You'd think that BECAUSE I DON'T OWE IT
THAT THEY'D TAKE THE CHANCE.

But not all chances are created equally lol. 
BECAUSE I COULD PROVE WHATEVER
ALL DAY LONG, WEEK LONG, YEAR LONG ETC...

But just because I could prove it...
DOESN'T MEAN THEY CAN.

Same goes for anyone.
Just because YOU can prove it.
DOESN'T MEAN THEY CAN.

But don't look at ME like a way OUT of something
YOU'RE STILL CHOOSING TO BE IN...

BECAUSE YOU, STILL CHOOSING TO BE IN THAT...
HAS F*CK ALL TO DO WITH ME.

And just because someone was talking about me
DOESN'T MEAN THEY F*CKING KNOW ME.
MOST DON'T KNOW ME
AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.

And don't try to BACKTRACK
THROUGH ANY SH*T YOU EVER SAID ABOUT ME
JUST TO TRY TO BE COOL WITH ME.

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE COOL WITH ME, 
THERE'D BE NOTHING TO BACKTRACK THROUGH.
CORRECT?

If you want to talk about MY credibility
YOU OUGHT TO BE LOOKING AT YOUR OWN.

And you can't predict MY future based on MY past.

People can say whatever, all day long... 
Doesn't make it true.

People can talk all kinds of MAD SH*T
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE A PART OF THAT?
WHY PARTICIPATE IN THAT?
LET ALONE INVEST IN IT?

And sometimes people get mad AT ME
FOR 'MAKING' THEM LOOK 'STUPID'
when they EASILY make themselves look stupid. 

Don't get mad at me for peeping 'game.'

Here's the thing. YOU CAN LOOK STUFF UP.
IF YOU ALREADY HAVE THE ANSWER
AND YOU ASK THEM 
AND THEIR ANSWER DOESN'T MATCH UP
WITH WTF THEY TELL YOU...

You have to ASK yourself why they'd lie about it.
Because if they lie about THAT, the little things...
THEY'LL LIE ABOUT ANYTHING.
They'll lie about WHO they are.

A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE...
WHEN I THOUGHT CERTAIN PEOPLE
WERE HONESTLY LEGIT...

It's like what I thought was actually true and real
WASN'T TRUE AND REAL.

That sh*t does stuff to people.

Someone said "Just because you're not used to it
doesn't mean it can't be good for you."

Like something could TOTALLY BE EVERYTHING
I EVER WANTED AND MORE...

BECAUSE I'M NOT USED TO THAT...
AND I WANT IT TO BE TOTALLY EVERYTHING...
DOESN'T MEAN IT IS.

But also doesn't mean it's not.
Because it could be.
But it doesn't mean it is just because I want it to be.
Doesn't mean it isn't because it could be.
Just because it 'could' be, is it, though?

The sh*t I've been through
doesn't make me exactly KEEN on starting again. 

Yet, everything I had wanted, could be just around the corner.
If I pass that up, I pass that up. And that'd be on me.

Nobody can blame me for feeling JADED THOUGH.
IF YOU KNEW THE EXTENT OF IT,
YOU WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

Certain things I just won't write about here.
Things that still BOIL MY BLOOD.

But just because I'm seething over that
DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO LASH OUT
ON ANYONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THOSE THINGS.

JUST LIKE THEY DON'T NEED TO BE
LASHING OUT AT ME
FOR WHAT ANYONE ELSE DID TO THEM.

Because THEY did it, NOT me.
So why should I get the backlash from THAT?
Did it have anything to do with me? No?

If it has nothing to do with me, it has NOTHING to do with ME.
So don't throw any shade on me for ANYTHING
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

But yet, that's what happens.
Guys crying to me that their girlfriend
F*CKED ALL HIS FRIENDS ETC...
THEN STOP BEING ABOUT HER.
AND DO NOT COMPARE ME TO HER.
Do I want to be compared to anyone?
Want me to compare you to anyone? No?
Then why do it? Just to do it?

A guy straight up told me:
"I was with the wrong one for 20 years."
"She f*cked a co-worker while she was pregnant."
Etc... THEN WHY KEEP BEING ABOUT HER?
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS YOU TO BE?
IS IT HER CHOICE? NO?
IS IT YOURS?

AND SHE KNOWS IT'S YOUR CHOICE.
NOT HERS.

If she doesn't, she thinks she's entitled.

If she's f*cking your friends...
A co-worker while she's pregnant...
IS THE KID EVEN YOURS?
If she's about any of that bullsh*t...
SHE'S NOT THERE FOR YOU.
NOT IN IT FOR YOU.

And the one who was in it for you...
YOU GONNA PLAY GAMES WITH HER?
FOR SOMEONE PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU?

THAT is what it's been like for ME.

After THAT and WORSE...
Probably be reasonable that I'm not keen on dating.

Choosing THAT over and over and over and over
OVER SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT.

But just because someone can't see your VALUE
DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR WORTH.

THAT ONE LINE... Got me through
SOME OF THE HARDEST TIMES OF MY LIFE.

Because, yeah. It would be cool if people saw my VALUE.
But doesn't change MY WORTH.
As a person, let alone a potential partner.


I've already OVERCOME a bunch of sh*t.
Like people wanting to make themselves feel better
BY PUTTING ME THROUGH THE MOST?
THE F*CKING UTMOST.

Because I've HAD to overcome that...
Doesn't mean I WANT TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH
ANYMORE SH*T.
BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE TO.

But they are NOT entitled to what I WAS offering
WHEN they want to backtrack through everything...

Because WHY was there anything to backtrack through?
Nobody can expect me to want to do that.

AND NOBODY CAN BE MAD AT ME
WHEN THEY KNOW THEY WERE BEING UNFAIR TO ME
THAT I WANT TO EVEN THINGS UP
BY BEING IN MY OWN LANE.
WORKING ON MY OWN THINGS.

Because if a female knew I wanted to be with someone
AND THEY DO THE UTMOST TO TRY TO
CONVINCE SOMEONE NOT TO
EVEN LOOK MY WAY...
IT'S ON HIM FOR LETTING HER CONVINCE HIM.

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE MADE UP
HIS OWN MIND ABOUT ME.
INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO SOMEONE
WHO WANTED HIM TO LISTEN TO HER
ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM?!

That's literally how it is, sometimes. 

But you can't be all watching things work out for me
THEN DECIDE YOU WANT ME.
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WHILE LISTENING TO HER, RIGHT?
Because SHE didn't want YOU looking at ME.

One of the only ways to prevent that, is to LIE. About me.
Because "why would they lie to me?"
Ask yourself what they'd have TO GAIN FROM THAT.
BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR REASON.

At the same time. Don't be trying to create an ILLUSION.
ABOUT ME. WANTING ME TO FEEL 'LESS THAN" ETC.

Because 1) I'm not doing that sh*t to you.
2) Don't try to make ME feel small.

Just because THEY FEEL SMALL
DOESN'T MEAN THEY HAVE TO TRY TO DO THAT SH*T TO ME.

At the same time, all the crap I've been through...
DOESN'T DEFINE WHO I AM.

Did I learn a lot from everything I've been through? Yeah.
AND DID I STILL GIVE CHANCES EVEN AFTER
A WHOLE BUNCH OF SH*T? YEAH.

Chances I never had to give AFTER A BUNCH OF SH*T?

But to FIGHT FOR SH*T TO EVEN BE "FAIR"
WHY FIGHT FOR THAT SH*T.
DID I MAKE THEM FIGHT FOR WHAT I WAS OFFERING?

So maybe, JUST MAYBE, I handled all kinds of things
PRETTY F*CKING WELL...
CONSIDERING EVERYTHING.

Gee, why did she not want him to look at ME?
Because things might have GONE SOMEWHERE?
IF WE WERE LEFT TO MAKE OUR OWN CHOICES?
WITHOUT ANY OF THAT SH*T?

But it had to play out like that.
Because I could have just gone around
TRYING TO BLOCK PEOPLE
LIKE THEY DID TO ME.

BUT THAT'D MAKE ME LOOK JEALOUS, RIGHT?

But why do I not get jealous anymore?
BECAUSE I'M NOT INSECURE ANYMORE.

So trying to make me 'look small' or whatever...
WHY DO THAT?
Just exposes them for what they are, who they are.

But to try to come at me, come for me? Bring it, then.
BUT IF YOU DO, COME PREPARED.
SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THROUGH HELL...
IS ALREADY PREPARED.

But it's like coming after me FOR SOME REASON.
When they ought to be looking at themselves.

If they went through what I did...
THEY'D UNDERSTAND.
THEY'D GET IT.
THEY'D KNOW.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T.

But if they didn't, they can't say they do.
They can't even PRETEND THEY KNOW.
Because they straight up DO NOT.

Being targeted just because someone doesn't like me?
Doesn't want certain people not to like me?
OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?
JUST BECAUSE I HAD REAL FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE?

WHY IS THAT ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS? FOR ONE?
FOR TWO, says NOTHING about me or my worth.
AND I WON'T, JUST WON'T FIGHT FOR A POSITION
IN MY OWN LIFE.

And they don't think things won't balance out?
OH YES, THEY DO.


For me, it balances out.
BECAUSE I CAN BALANCE IT OUT FOR MYSELF.
I DON'T HAVE TO 'SHRINK'
TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

It'd be like ME
EXPECTING THEM TO SHRINK
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. 

It'd be exactly like that.

It got turned into a f*cking DRAMA 
that I never signed up for.

The thing is that you can't make me feel 'unsupported'
BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE 
MY LIFE WITHOUT SUPPORT.
DO THEY NOT THINK I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF
EMOTIONALLY? ETC?

I learned how to do that. On my own. 

But the stalking and slandering...
THEY PARTICIPATED IN THAT SH*T.
AND THEY HAVE TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES
FOR ALL THAT SH*T.

I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT MYSELF FOR THAT.
BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.

Because I have potential? To have something?
HOW IS THAT ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS?

But the REAL question is WHY?
And when that question is answered... 
You see how things REALLY WENT DOWN.
AND WHY ANY OF THAT HAPPENED.
WHEN IT NEVER F*CKING HAD TO.

But despite that, I can have opportunities.
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THAT.