Let Them Weed Themselves Out

My sleep schedule is messed up again. 
Mostly because I'm staying up all night working on my thing.
It's a project of mine that I'm hoping to do something with. 

Writing has been helping, just like it usually does. 
I started writing when I was around 8 or 9.
I had a "diary" and I used to write in it.
It "somehow" disappeared from my room.
Probably because of what I wrote in there.
I wrote about the abuse...

When I was in my teens...
I think I was 13. I was in the first foster home.
It was a group home that got turned to a foster home.
Anyway, one of the girls took my diary
and she took it downtown
and read it to her friends.

She "apologized" and gave it back.
I guess I kind of felt slightly mortified...
The thought of strangers reading my most intimate thoughts.

Now I blog, but this is different
because I'm aware that strangers read it.

But not everyone knows who I am. 
So I'm okay with that.
I'm just some random person who blogs. 
That's pretty much it, but if you've been reading
For however long, you'll know much more about me.

You'll have some idea about how I think, 
what I've gone through, my experiences etc.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a point, 
but I think the point is that if it helps someone, 
somewhere, somehow, it'd be well worth it, to me.

That time someone got a free dinner...
That... That was one of the best feelings
I've had in a really long time. 
It made me feel like something I wrote
made enough sense that it was somehow useful. 
I'm happy about that.

I wasn't ever blogging FOR that reason, 
BUT IT REALLY WAS SO NICE TO HEAR. (Read).

I can't really remember why I started blogging
Other than I thought it was neat.
And I really needed some sort of "outlet"
And writing helped me get through a whole bunch of things.
Things that were really hard to get through. 

I'd like to think I'm somewhat 'stronger' now than I was back then...
Because... It's been hard. Some things were really hard.

When I was 12, I went to a bereavement group, thing. 
That helped me. I'm glad they had that.
So I know that it does help.

Drinking didn't help, but that did. And writing. 
And escaping in my books...
And going "inwards" to sort some stuff out.

Other than that, pretty much just been
going through the motions. 
And it wasn't until this year that I started having
some hope for the future. 
BECAUSE OF ALL THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL
OF PEOPLE WHO PLAYED HEAD GAMES.

Who I TOLD TO NOT PLAY WITH ME.
THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE, AT ALL, PERIOD.

I know of some of it, not all of it, 
but I don't appreciate any of it.
WHY DO THAT? TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF?
FOR CONTROL?
BECAUSE IF IT'S FOR CONTROL...
THEY CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.

Sideways with a surfboard is my thing. 
I made it up. Thought it was funny
so I kept saying it.
Don't care if you say it, too. 
If you want to, go for it.
JUST REMEMBER YOU READ IT HERE LOL.

August is kind of dragging on, a bit. 
I don't know why. 
But hard to believe that this year is already
MORE THAN HALF OVER.

Someone was saying he was enjoying the weather
before it's gone forever.
Not gone forever. Gone until next year lol.

I don't like the colder weather. 
Never liked my birthday in the winter. 
Summer birthdays are lucky. 

But I'm thinking of "adopting" another day.

Kind of how I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day
On Valentine's Day.
For a few reasons...

1) It was my father's birthday
2) It was the day I found out about my Uncle.
3) Chocolate goes on sale lol

I learned about my Uncle's death
because I was searching online
and I found his obituary. 
Then I found my grandmother's, too. 

They both had cancer.

I think that's why my father killed himself. 
I think he found out he had cancer and just decided. 
It makes more sense than anything.
It helped me make peace with that more. 
Still not the easiest thing to make peace with.

I remember a friend's parents asking me about mine. 
And I told them. Just a matter of fact.
Because it is a fact.
That I kind of detached from, emotionally.
BECAUSE I HAD TO. 
IT USED TO "MAKE" ME SO ANGRY.
I WAS ANGRY AT MYSELF
BLAMED MYSELF. FOR A LONG TIME.

But it was his choice. 
And if that makes me seem cold, 
it's just a fact. 
I had to look at things as facts. 
"The Facts Of Life."

Looking at things in that way really helped, actually. 
Because facts are just that, facts.

No matter how I feel about the facts, 
the facts are just facts.
Nothing much more than that.
It helped me accept a lot, though. 
Things that I had to accept as a matter of fact.

That's how I had to explain things to myself. 
For some things to make "sense."
Or else I'd just feel as crazy as most people
were trying to make me seem. 

IF THEY WENT THROUGH ANY OF IT...
LET'S SEE HOW CRAZY THEY WOULD "SEEM."

But it's a way to throw me under the bus. 
"See? I told you she was 'crazy'"
To get people to discount me
WITHOUT EVER GETTING TO KNOW ME.

Sometimes I'd like to think I'm fairly sane. 
If I was "crazy" nothing I would say
WOULD MAKE ANY SENSE, WOULD IT?
AND I WOULD HAVE NO REASON
TO HAVE AS MUCH SELF CONTROL
THAT I HAVE, TODAY. 

But it's been that way, at school
TO TRY TO GET ME TO FIGHT.
JUST TO SAY: "SEE?! I TOLD YOU!"

Until I caught on and stopped taking the "bait"
BUT IT WAS TO STOP ANYONE
FROM GETTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO SEE
THAT I'M NOT ACTUALLY CRAZY.

I WAS NEVER CRAZY FOR WANTING
WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTED.

The basic things.
But I also stopped caring about what they said. 
What they were saying and why they were saying it.
It was an absolute wtf moment when I realized it.
And I thought that at some point it would stop.
BECAUSE THAT SH*T IS IMMATURE.
FOR ONE THING.
AND A REALLY OLD TRICK.
IT ONLY WORKS ON PEOPLE
WHO ARE WILLING TO BELIEVE/THINK ANYTHING.

And if they think the worst of me, 
they wanted to all along. 
OR ELSE MAYBE THEY WOULD SEE ME.
FOR THE PERSON I ACTUALLY AM
VS WHAT WHOEVER WAS SAYING ABOUT ME.

But you get an idea in your head...
An idea people want to put in your head, for a reason. 
For the reasons I just mentioned
if there aren't other reasons...

They plant the idea and let them run with it.
AND OH DO THEY RUN WITH IT!

IT USED TO REALLY P*SS ME OFF. 
AND THEY KNEW IT DID.
THAT'S WHAT "MADE" IT FUNNY.
THE "REACTION" THEY GOT
FROM DOING IT.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
THE MORE THEY DID IT
THE MORE IT "WORKED"

But it gets to the point that it's OLD, 
but it still "works"
because people are willing to think it.
AND BELIEVE IT.
AND THEY CAN BELIEVE WHATEVER.
THEY WILL, ANYWAY.
REGARDLESS WHAT THE "FACTS" ARE.

But when you GASLIGHT SOMEONE LIKE THAT
FOR PRETTY MUCH THEIR WHOLE LIFE
AND TRY HARD TO GET EVERYONE TO BELIEVE IT...
AND WHY WOULD THEY NOT?

IT GETS TO A POINT A PERSON
MIGHT QUESTION THEIR OWN SANITY.
AND MAYBE THAT WAS THE POINT OF IT.

But you can't really be insane if you question your sanity...
Because anyone who is actually insane wouldn't. 
Would they?
Because at that point, they'd just be insane
and not sane enough to question anything?

But what would have been cool
IS IF THEY ASKED ME
INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO EVERYONE
WHO WANTED TO SAY WHATEVER ABOUT ME.

They'd rather BELIEVE what they were saying
BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY LIE?
Well, lots of people would LIE, on purpose
FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS.
TO "make" me "look" a certain way.

Because it "made" them feel better about themselves
To try to cut me down in any way they could.
So why not discredit my character, my sanity etc.
If they could do that successfully...
THE GUY I LIKED WOULDN'T LIKE ME
WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME etc.

And if he wouldn't want anything to do with me...
HE WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.
SEE HOW THAT WORKS?
I saw how that worked, but it worked a little too well. 
UNTIL I JUST GAVE UP 
JUST LIKE THEY WANTED ME TOO.

OR I COULD "DEFEND" MYSELF.
And that only "made" me "seem" "crazy"
So I just stopped bothering altogether. 
AND I OFTEN WONDER WHY I EVER DID.

But it would have been nice
TO JUST HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO BE MYSELF
WITHOUT ANY OF THAT GARBAGE, 
but that's what I had to "contend" with.

WHEN EVERYONE BELIEVED IT, 
THEY JUST BELIEVED IT
AND HOW HARD IS IT TO CHANGE A BELIEF?
EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE CASE?

How far could I have gotten without that crap?

Maybe the guy could have gotten to know me...
BUT WAS IT EVEN WORTH IT
IF HE CARED THAT MUCH
ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THOUGHT?
And never bothered asking me anything?
Did anyone bother asking me anything?
OR DID THEY ALL JUST ASSUME.
PRETTY SURE THEY ALL JUST ASSUMED.

All because I don't want to be like them?
Because I know the difference between a fact
and an assumption?

BUT TO BE JUDGED ON ASSUMPTIONS...
THAT BECAME A 'NORM.'
And yeah, that p*ssed me off, too. 
BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD TO.

It wasn't until after I broke up with my ex
that I realized how judgemental I was
NOT AS MUCH AS HE WAS, 
BUT I NOTICED IT MORE
WHEN I WASN'T AROUND HIM
AND WASN'T AROUND OTHER PEOPLE
WHO ARE JUST AS JUDGEMENTAL OR WORSE.

I realized that I didn't actually have to be that way.
JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE.

And I separated myself from them.
HAPPIER BEING ON MY OWN...

But I think that "game" helped me be on my own. 
BECAUSE IT HELPED ME ACCEPT MYSELF MORE.
THAN MAYBE I WOULD HAVE
IF I JUST WANTED TO "FIT IN" WITH PEOPLE
WHO WOULD DO THAT SH*T TO ME.

But I STILL get treated that way, constantly.
I guess at some point I thought it would stop.
BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT NOW...
BUT EVEN "ADULTS" DO THAT SH*T
BECAUSE THEY NEVER GREW TF UP...

And those are the people I don't have to be around. 
Especially if they are too arrogant to listen. 
HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
IF YOU'RE NOT HUMBLE ENOUGH TO LISTEN?

That guy: "Why should I listen to you? Where's your success story?"
MY LIFE IS MY SUCCESS STORY.
THE FACT I DIDN'T K*LL MYSELF
A LONG F*CKING TIME AGO IS MY SUCCESS STORY.
ALL BECAUSE OF TWATS THAT SAY THAT SH*T TO ME.

Why should I listen to THEM? WHERE IS THEIRS?

AND THEY DON'T REALIZE
THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY A PART OF IT
BECAUSE I'M STILL WRITING IT.
AND HAD TO BECAUSE OF THEM.

And that's what they don't understand
BECAUSE THEY DON'T LISTEN.

But because they REFUSED TO LISTEN
BECAUSE OF WHATEVER THEY "THOUGHT"
THEY "KNEW" ABOUT ME...
BECAUSE THEY JUST ASSUMED
ALL KINDS OF THINGS...

Because of that, they never understood me.

AND IT WAS BECAUSE OF ALL OF THAT
I GOT TO KNOW MYSELF
PROBABLY BETTER THAN THEY KNOW THEMSELVES.

BECAUSE AT LEAST I UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS, RIGHT?

Because I understand myself, all that much more
IT HELPED ME GET THROUGH A LOT OF THINGS
THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH HARDER TO.

And all the times they literally tried to push me to k*ll myself...
I could have... But here I am writing about why I didn't.

There were times I tried to. Wanted to. 
BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY F*CKING PAINFUL
TO BE TREATED LIKE YOU'RE JUST CRAZY
(SO DON'T EVER TAKE ME SERIOUSLY ABOUT ANYTHING...)
BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU EVER TAKE
ANYONE CRAZY SERIOUSLY?

I could have let it affect me so much more than I have
OR I could just tell them to go f*ck themselves
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.

Isn't that so much better than feeling sorry for myself?
Just because they wanted me to?

That kind of sh*t could have "made" me bitter.
OR it could have "made" me better.
BETTER THAN THOSE WHO DO THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE ONLY SOMEONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT
COULD EVER UNDERSTAND IT.

AND the "mob" mentality. To go along with it.
And just laugh about it 
BECAUSE IT'S SO F*CKING FUNNY, RIGHT?

To try to "ruin" someone's "self-worth" like that.
BUT THEY NEVER COUNTED ON
ME JUST FINDING MY OWN WORTH
WITHOUT THEIR "ACCEPTANCE."

Do I want to be "accepted" by them that bad?
TO JUST DO THAT TO PEOPLE
FOR THE REASONS THEY DID IT TO ME?

BECAUSE IF THEY DID IT TO ME, 
THEY WOULD DO IT TO THEM.

Someone put it to me this way:
She said she joined in the bullying
BECAUSE SHE'D GIVE ANYTHING
FOR IT TO NOT BE HER.

That's what she said to me.
TO JUSTIFY HER PARTICIPATION.

But when it DOESN'T ACTUALLY MATTER
LIKE IT USED TO...
BECAUSE YOU CAN USE IT TO YOUR BENEFIT.
TO WEED PEOPLE OUT...
TO LET THEM WEED THEMSELVES OUT.

TO SEE WHO'S ON YOUR LEVEL
AND WHO'S NOT...

It actually does the opposite of what it was supposed to do.
Because it was supposed to drive me "crazy" right?
So everyone can say they were "right" about me
WHEN THEY NEVER F*CKING KNEW ME AT ALL.

And why did they never know me?
BECAUSE THEY NEVER GOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO.
BECAUSE WHY GET CLOSE TO A "CRAZY" PERSON?
THEY'RE CRAZY!
CAPABLE OF "CRAZY THINGS"

EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT CRAZY ENOUGH TO DO
THIS TYPE OF THING TO SOMEONE
FOR THE REASONS THEY DO IT TO ME.
AND HAVE DONE IT TO ME
ALL MY LIFE.

And THAT being one of the only ways
THEY COULD EVER TRY TO "SHUT ME DOWN"
Because they wouldn't have any other "REASON" to.

And yeah, sometimes THEY GO EXTRA HARD WITH IT.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THEY CAN DO.

That's pretty sad, eh?
That they'd go THAT FAR?

BUT, it "made" me who and how I am, today.
So at least I have that.

I have so much nobody can take from me.
No matter how "crazy" they try to "make" me "seem."
EXCEPT THEY WERE BANKING ON ME CARING
SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT/THINK
OF ME THAT I WOULD DRIVE MYSELF "CRAZY"
TRYING TO "PROVE" MY SANITY...

BUT, I stopped "caring" about that a long time ago.
Because I'd rather be "crazy" for being "different"
THAN BE JUST LIKE THEM.