Laughing At Myself

Read a couple of really old posts I wrote. When I was 26.
At pretty hard times of my life, but I had my Grandmother back then. 
I was talking to a friend on the phone, tonight.
I was telling him how special she was to me. 
I really miss her.

I'm really hoping to "make" the rest of the year better somehow.
The last few months... 

But there were times I thought I'd never see my son again, and I did.
I have a plan of sorts and I'm hoping to shape that out soon. 
I'm doing it for the right reasons so my hopes are high. 

Of course, not everything works out as planned.
But if I did nothing, nothing would change.

Even though there were times it really FELT like I couldn't. 
I WISH I DID KEEP TRYING.
AND I'M STILL TRYING.
I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP.

Sometimes we're one choice away from changing everything.
But when you need help, doesn't hurt to ask.

Just need to know who to ask.
It was just kind of a "fluke" that I came across someone.
And like I said, it doesn't hurt to ask. 

And the thing is to come up with a plan. 

I went to see my mother tonight. 
And we watched Great Race Canada. 
Something like Amazing Race, but across Canada.

One of the posts I wrote when I was 26...
I wrote that I hope I look 26 when I'm 40 lol.
Now I'm 40. 

That'd I'd go hang out at the college bar lol. OMG.
Now my son is college-age, so no.

Even some guys my own age...  
Say it isn't so, yet it is so.

Can't discount everything based on past experiences.
Not even interested in dating at all...
Just so funny how I used to think.
And now that I'm actually 40... It's just too funny.

I'm just thinking in terms of possibilities for other people.
Eventually, opportunities can open up for me, too, 
but what I'm wanting has more to do with someone else.
FOR SOMEONE ELSE. 

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME.
It has been important to me, for years.
But I see a chance to do something and I have to take it.

It's what my intuition is telling me to do. 
It's a wish from my heart. 

Anyway, I can't get into details about it.
I have a good feeling about it, but I can't get into it.


Who knows? It might even go better than I can hope?
It might, because it could. 

Anyway, watching that show tonight...
A guy was wearing a shirt that said:
Perfection is Paralyzing. 

I could try to wait to make the perfect plan
OR I COULD JUST NOT TRY. 
Either way, what would change?


Back when I was on the kick I was on...
I realized that I wasn't giving myself chances.
I was giving some people TOO MANY CHANCES.
HOW MANY CHANCES WAS I GIVING MYSELF? ANY?

And maybe sometimes other people need chances, too.
But sometimes people need to learn to give themselves chances.
And sometimes they need the chance to learn that.
SOONER THAN LATER.

Because the way I learned to look at things
has changed a lot in the last 14 years lol

It kinda bugs me that some people will look at me
the way that I once was, 
but if they can't see me, now, they can't see me.


Also, if they never saw me, they never saw me.
Not like anyone's been close enough to see me.
The ones who were, I let them. 

The ones who aren't around, don't have to be.
Nobody has to be. Nobody owes me anything. 

BUT WHAT DO I OWE TO MYSELF?
WHAT DID I OWE MYSELF? FOR HOW LONG?

What do you owe yourself? For how long?
When is it going to be your time?

And if you have a chance to ask someone for help?
DO YOU TAKE THAT CHANCE?
DO YOU GIVE YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO ASK?

And if you need help to help someone else?
Do you take the chance for them?

And sometimes the chance you take for them is the chance they need.

Let's just say that I know someone's dreams 
AND I REALLY WANT TO HELP HIM MAKE THEM COME TRUE.
AND IF I HAVE A CHANCE TO DO THAT,
I JUST WANT TO DO THAT.

Apart from doing what I need to do for myself, finally. 
Been through too much to just 'give up' now, y'know?

Something came to mind:
Didn't come this far just to come this far...
Forget where that's from, but it came to mind.


Things can change for the better, too.
That's what I've had to tell myself when going through 
things that were very unpredictable. 

Like when I didn't know where I'd 'end up.'
Being bounced around from place to place.
Not knowing where I'd end up.

Sometimes we end up somewhere we're supposed to be
At the time we're supposed to be there.
For a reason. 

But at the time, I couldn't even look at it like that
BECAUSE I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW.
But also, a lot of the chances in my life
JUST WEREN'T GOOD.


Some things were necessary to teach me things. 
And if I can get someone in a position
WHERE THEY CAN BOTH LEARN AND GROW...
How is that wrong to want that for them?


At the same time, can lead a horse to water
AND CAN'T MAKE IT DRINK...


But if you lead a thirsty horse to water...
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT HORSE WILL DRINK?

But, back then, I was stubborn, too. 
Remember how I said I'm good at standing in my own way?

I'm still not quite out of my comfort zone.
AND YES I HAVE TO PUSH MYSELF MORE.

There's a balance between patience and pushing.
BUT IT'S ONE THING TO DO THE WORK.

How can you do "the work" when you don't know where to start?
Should it matter where you start? As long as you do?

That shirt said it all tonight.
Perfection is Paralyzing.


DOES IT HAVE TO BE PERFECT?
JUST TO START?

Thought about a Youtube channel I watched.
It's a mowing channel. 
Does it matter how or where he started mowing it?
Would the result have been different
if he started in the front yard vs the back yard?

I guess the point was having the right tools
to get the job done.

If he didn't have those tools, 
could he still cut it all with scissors?
Yeah, he could... BUT IT WOULD TAKE LONGER.

Still could be done.
Takes longer with scissors...
But if scissors are all you've got...


Anyway, the point was doesn't matter where he started...
HE STILL GETS GOOD RESULTS
AND KNOWS WHAT RESULTS HE'S AFTER.

Doesn't matter if he started in the front yard
or the backyard. 

Should he fight with himself over which yard to start?
Or should he just start a yard?


Does it matter if he starts the edges of the yard first?
Or starts in the center and works his way out?
Should he fight with himself over that, too?