Had They Listened

Telling someone how you feel and WHY
shouldn't turn into a fight or an argument.
IT SHOULD JUST BE AS SIMPLE
AS SAYING HOW YOU FEEL AND WHY.

But when they don't want to listen, 
WHY KEEP TELLING THEM?

That's when people are shocked/surprised
WHEN I STOP TELLING THEM HOW I FEEL
AND WHY I FEEL THAT WAY.

BECAUSE WHY KEEP TELLING THEM?
DID THEY WANT TO LISTEN?

Because it "made" them feel bad?
To be part of the reason?

I mean part of the reason, 
because I didn't have to take things
the way I took them, either.

BUT WHEN IT KEEPS HAPPENING...
And they STILL DON'T WANT TO LISTEN
AND THEY WANT PLAY STUPID
ABOUT HOW THEY ARE TREATING YOU
WHEN THEY KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T BE...

Then, at what point do you say you've had enough?

And when you've had enough... 
Of all kinds of things YOU TOLD THEM ABOUT
THAT THEY REFUSED TO LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT...

They could have just listened, right?
The first time you told them?
And if they refused to listen the first time...
HOW MANY TIMES DO THEY EXPECT TO BE TOLD?

LIKE EVERY TIME YOU TELL THEM
THEY ACT LIKE THEY'LL JUST GET THEIR WAY, ANYWAY?

Because "let's not talk about it."
Because "I'm getting anxiety."
WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS, TOO?

So when they tell me something I'm supposed to listen
AND BE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT IT.
BUT WHEN I SAY SOMETHING 
IT'S LIKE 'GO F*CK YOURSELF...'
And it's like me being "selfish"
for wanting what they want from me.
FOR WANTING THEM TO NOT DO
WHAT THEY DID TO ME.

Anyway, it's been frustrating.
Because they are allowed to just feel how THEY feel
and I'm supposed to be understanding about it.
SO WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE
UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HOW I FEEL, TOO?

Instead, they don't want to hear it?
DO I ALWAYS WANT TO HEAR IT? NO?
BUT WHY DO I LISTEN?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE HEARD, TOO.
Whether I want to listen, or not.
THEY EXPECT ME TO.

Yet, when I have anything to say...
THEY REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME?

I don't say how I feel about something
FOR NO REASON...

AND IF IT'D BEEN THEM...
They'd feel the same way.

I never told or expected anyone to put me FIRST.
That would be 'selfish'
AND I'VE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD
CERTAIN THINGS IN PEOPLE'S LIVES
TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER OTHER THINGS
INCLUDING ME.

I never wanted to be #1 ALWAYS.
JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE LAST ALWAYS.
IF I EVEN GOT TO BE LAST...

Especially when you keep putting them first...
OR ABOVE OTHER THINGS.
BECAUSE THEY MEANT THAT MUCH TO YOU...
THAT YOU WANTED THEM TO FEEL
LIKE THEY MATTER TO YOU...

IS IT SELFISH TO WANT TO BE TREATED
LIKE I MATTER, TOO?

Anyway, it bothers me when people
PUT PEOPLE WHO DID THEM DIRTY
ABOVE SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T.

All because they wanted them to stop doing it.
In hopes that they would. 

Because I had high hopes for certain people
TO STOP DOING THINGS
THAT THEY WOULDN'T LIKE.
IF I DID THAT SH*T.

But I can't even go as far as to show them
BY DOING IT BACK TO THEM.

Because they don't even learn THAT WAY, EITHER.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
They don't like it!

That is the point, though.
WHY DO IT?

Have I done things that I shouldn't have done?
Yes, I have.

BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS
I KNOW BETTER NOT TO DO.

That others should know better not to do, too.

I know I keep talking/writing about this.
I don't even know why it bothers me this much.
There are other things on my mind. 

One thing I saw today was a missing persons poster
of a teenage girl who went missing from the mall.

Then I thought about the creeps who tried
to lure me to their car
after cutting me off on the sidewalk.

Heard there's been trafficing stuff at hotels.
There are some motels around here. 

Just willing for her to go back home.

Her cell pinged in the area I grew up.
They refer to it as H Block. 
First time I heard it called that, but doesn't surprise me.

There's an 'aura' over that whole place.
Can't explain it. 

When I was a kid, living there, 
I didn't really notice it. 
Hard to notice something when you're right in it.
Plus, when you're a kid, 
you don't think about things very deeply. 

To me, it was just 'home.'
But it was always H Block...
Whether they refered to it as such or not. 

I remember going outside to see a car burning...
Just a bunch of stuff...

Took a picture of a car that was burning
outside my mother's old place.
I just got there when it was getting put out.

The story was that the guy left his sun roof open
and someone flicked a cigarette off their balcony...
What a day to have a bad day.

Earlier, I was watching something about a supermax prison...
And how some people would go crazy
without any human interaction...
"Imagine spending an entire day not seeing or speaking to anyone?"
Most people couldn't take it.
I do pretty well staying to myself, sometimes a week straight.

I tend to isolate myself to deal with my own things, privately.
NEIGHBORS ASK ME IF I STILL LIVE HERE
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME IN A WHILE.

It doesn't drive me 'crazy' to be isolated.
I can be alone with my own thoughts. 
Some people can't take it. 
They couldn't. I'm fine with it.

Probably because I got to go do stuff by myself.
And I enjoyed it.
Like when I got to go to the pool by myself.

I was 8 years old and climbing trees and whatever.
Being alone and reading my books, etc. 
Doing solo hobbies. Didn't bother me then, so why would it?
I have what I need. I understand myself, more. 

I don't need constant communication. 
Blogging is one thing, but connecting in person...
That doesn't bother me.


Sure, there were times I wanted to 'connect'
BUT IS IT THE END OF THE WORLD IF I DON'T?

And I'd rather not 'connect' if someone thinks it's for the wrong reasons.
Like that guy I introduced to another guy for business purposes.
AFTER I DID THAT, HE TOLD ME HE WASN'T INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING ROMANTIC WITH ME. WTF.

After that, I just stopped talking with him.
OBVIOUSLY HE THOUGHT I HAD SOME AGENDA.

And I'd just rather not if someone's quick to assume that about me.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX...
DOESN'T MEAN I WANT IN YOUR PANTS.

Just because I introduce you to someone
because I think it would be a good connect FOR YOU
AND FOR YOUR BUSINESS
DOESN'T MEAN I F*CKING WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.

It just MEANT I HAD AN IDEA
THAT MIGHT BENEFIT YOU IN SOME WAY.

It would be cool if someone had an idea for me
AND WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO INTRODUCE ME
TO SOMEONE THEY THOUGHT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME TO MEET.

But to assume they did it for any other reason...
WHEN THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON...

But I get that most people aren't used to that.
PEOPLE NOT WANTING ANYTHING FROM THEM.

I JUST DON'T. WOULD I WANT TO BE AROUND
FOR EVERYONE TO WANT EVERYTHING FROM ME?

But do I still go out of my way to do something
that I think would be good for someone?
Yeah, if I have a hunch or an idea...
If I can see it going well... 

BUT TO BE ACCUSED OF WHATEVER THEY ASSUME?
Like I only introduced that guy to another guy
BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ROMANTIC?
WITH A GUY I DON'T KNOW?


In all honesty, I wasn't even attracted to the guy.
STILL don't care what money he makes or whatever.
GOOD FOR HIM TO BE SUCCESSFUL, 
BUT... I require more than that.

But it's like assuming I'm automatically after his money
JUST BECAUSE HE HAS SOME?
SO DO MANY OTHERS...
DOES THAT MATTER TO ME WHEN I'D RATHER HAVE MY OWN?

It wasn't about the guy. I WAS INTERESTED IN THE TECH FIELD.
I wanted to LEARN ABOUT WHAT HE DOES.
SUPER INTERESTING, TO ME.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL.
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

Anyway, the guy's company was doing those kiosks in the malls.
I thought it would be cool if he could get a contract
WITH A HOSPITAL.

The vision thing I had was them making interactive games
FOR THE WAITING ROOM
AT THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL.

Nothing wrong with that.
If he did, cool, good for him. 

But I didn't even get to tell him that
BECAUSE OF HOW HE HANDLED HIMSELF.

Sure, it's fair of him to say he's not looking for that.
BUT HE SAID THAT BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS.

AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FFS.

I NEVER WANTED TO SLEEP WITH THE GUY
FOR ANY REASON, BUT ESPECIALLY NOT
BECAUSE HE HAS MONEY.
DOES. NOT. MEAN. A. DAMN. THING. TO. ME.


I'm genuinely happy for whatever achievements anyone makes.
I cry because I'm so happy for some people.

When I got something in my eye and it was bugging me, 
I flushed my eyes out watching something that made me happy.

Those golden buzzer videos... 
Anyway, you don't have to only cry when you're sad lol. 


I was watching a show with my mother recently...
A guy was getting emotional about his son.
The emotions of being proud of him etc.

My mom was just like "put your big boy pants on."
Didn't get WHY THAT WOULD BE EMOTIONAL.

Like being so thankful you could cry?
BEING THANKFUL HE HAS HIS SON... ETC.
To be on the show with his son...

I know my mother never felt that way about me.
NOR HAS ANYONE. 
MY GRANDMOTHER APPRECIATED ME.
HAVING ME IN HER LIFE.

She once said "What would I do without you?"
She "made" me feel heard and seen, known, cared for, etc.
MY BEST MEMORIES WERE WITH HER.

SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO KNIT.
HE TAUGHT ME PIANO.
SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME.
SHE LOVED ME.

I still wish I could pick up the phone and call her...
Even just to hear her voice, again. 


Anyway, it's like people almost get annoyed
that people display emotions, any kind of 'normal' emotion. 
And yes, I had that done to me.
BUT IT NEVER CHANGED HOW I FELT AT MY CORE.


I was reading something someone posted in a group. 
He was saying how we should be proud that we can even love at all.
ABOUT THE ABILITY TO LOVE.

After my last relationship, I thought I wouldn't, ever again. 
When I did, it was a bit overwhelming. 
It was like flood gates opening. 
Maybe because I held back for so long... 

About our capacity to even feel anything deeper
THAN ANYTHING SUPERFICIAL.

And yes, I am deeper than surface level stuff. 
I think that is what irks me about most people.
Never going beyond or any deeper than anything superficial. 

BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH MORE.
THAN SURFACE LEVEL BULLSHIT.


What irks me is people thinking I'm nothing more
than superficial bullsh*t...
OR THAT I DO THINGS FOR SUPERFICIAL REASONS.

But when that's how they 'look' at me, 
THAT'S HOW THEY 'SEE' ME.

And how am I supposed to 'dictate' how they 'look' at me?
I can't! That's on them. 

But, I do 'make' it hard for people to 'read' me.
AND THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO.
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T USED TO PEOPLE BEING
THE WAY I AM. WHICH IS FINE. 
BUT THAT FACT SHOULDN'T BE MY PROBLEM.
Because it doesn't actually have ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

But would be cool if they realized certain things about me.
Because if they did, they'd know what kind of person I am.


And yes, some people got jealous of me
FOR WHATEVER REASONS...
IT'S NOT LIKE I INTENTIONALLY TRY TO 
"MAKE" ANYONE JEALOUS OF ME.

If something about me, ANYTHING ABOUT ME
"MAKES" anyone feel any type of way
ABOUT THEMSELVES...

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.


It reminds me of a basketball rivary I saw.
Two players from opposing teams...
And ONE PLAYER WAS CLEARLY JEALOUS
OF THE TALENT OF THE OTHER...

BUT DOES HER TALENT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER?
OR DOES HER JEALOUSY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HER?

I get it, jealousy is a strong emotion. 
I know because of times I felt jealous. 
It took me a long time to get over some stuff...

I had another weird dream the other night about something related. 
In the dream, there was a match-maker thing.

Someone else got paired with someone I wanted to be paired with
AND I QUIT PARTICIPATING BECAUSE OF IT LOL.

I don't know why things like that bothers me in my dreams.
Other things were bothering me in my dreams.

There was a basement 'place' with cages of animals
AND I LET THE ANIMALS OUT OF THE CAGES, 
AND THEY ALL RAN INTO TWO LARGER ONES
THAT WERE OPEN AND UNLOCKED...

Someone was going to go down there and I wanted to save the animals.
The guy turned into an apple and I bit his raisin eyes out.
So that he couldn't see the animals to be able to hurt them. 

In that dream, I saved people and animals. 
From someone's rampage.
I sometimes have dreams like that.

I don't know what the point of the jealousy dreams are.
BECAUSE IN REAL LIFE, 
I DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT 
The superficial things, anymore,
to be jealous over it.


What's nice to have, is nice to have...
But it doesn't "make" me jealous. 

I don't remember what that feeling just went away.
But all jealousy ever "made" me feel was "bitter"
ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE
UNTIL I DECIDED I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT.
SO I GUESS AT SOME POINT
IT JUST STOPPED AND WENT AWAY,

But I can't remember WHEN that happened.
Because it happened a long time ago.

When I became "fine" with where I was "at" in my life.
And accepted it. A lot of feelings just stopped. 
I became okay with what I already have
and who I'm becoming...
To even think about comparing myself
TO ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING.

And yeah, it'd be cool if people wouldn't compare
themselves to me, or try to compete with me.
TO TRY TO 'PROVE' THEMSELVES TO BE BETTER THAN ME.
TO TRY TO 'LASH' OUT AT ME.
TO TRY TO 'GET' ME TO 'FIGHT' THEM.

Don't they have anything better than that?
To do with themselves and their lives?
Than to target me in some type of way?
To try to get something out of it?


I get that people want to try to "make" me "look"
or "seem" some type of way and WHY they try to do it.

It still bugs me, but I understand it, now.
It's just that I never saw why they would.
Mostly because I don't look at myself in a way that
anyone would compare themselves to me
or want to compete with me.

Anyone trying to compete with me
is trying to compete with me for a reason.


Any of the 'gifts' I have are just natural to me.
Anything I worked hard on myself for, I did myself. 
Anything I did just for myself, was for me.
NOT TO BE 'BETTER' THAN ANYONE.
It was something I had to do for myself.


And yeah, some things are freaking hard to do.
Even for yourself... 
Let alone for someone else.

But I can't do "the work" for someone else.
NOBODY COULD DO "THE WORK" FOR ME.
I had to realize what I had to realize about myself. 
THE THINGS THAT WERE DRIVING ME
AND WHY THEY WERE DRIVING ME.
AND WHY THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE ME.
AND WHY THEY NEVER DID.

Because whatever I let be the thing that drove me
DIDN'T ACTUALLY MATTER.

Like addictions... 
THE THINGS I USED TO BE ADDICTED TO
DIDN'T ACTUALLY MATTER.

Maybe I tried using what I was addicted to
as some sort of crutch or something like that, 
BUT I NEVER NEEDED TO LEAN ON THOSE THINGS.
FOR ANYTHING.


What I actually needed was to realize a bunch of things.
HOW TO CULTIVATE SOME INTERNAL STUFF.
Because that's what everyone could be doing. 
IF THEY WANTED TO.

Back then, yeah, I wanted the 'rewards'
of having done "the work" without doing it.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT'D BE TOO HARD.
And if you quit before you're ahead, you won't be ahead.

And I'm not trying to be ahead of whoever. 
JUST AHEAD OF WHERE I WAS.
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE HOW IT FELT, HOW I FELT.
I can see why nobody would. I don't.


It was to a point that I could decide to be miserable
OR I COULD TRY TO MASTER SOME THINGS.

I haven't got it all "mastered."
But it does actually feels like I'm far from where I used to be.

Maybe because of who I've been all along. 

But I had to realize a bunch of things about myself.
To do that, I have had to look at myself.
Who I used to be. I keep thinking about it.
WHERE I WAS, EMOTIONALLY ETC...
TO WHERE I AM NOW.

I'm not in it for how anything "looks."
Or anything I 'could' get or have.
I'm in it for what it means. To me.
If that makes any sense.


Some people are only in it for how it "looks."
Or what they 'could' get or have.

And these are the kinds of people who compete.
Maybe if they care too much about it, 
they'll compete because of it.

Instead of realizing WHY they are competing about it.
And WHY they don't have to.

Because it doesn't HAVE TO "look" any type of way.
And you don't HAVE TO have or get anything out of it.
You COULD look for and see the meaning of it, in it.
AND WHEN/IF YOU DO,YOU MIGHT SEE IT.
IF YOU SEE IT, YOU COULD KNOW IT.

TO KNOW IT, IS ALL THERE IS TO IT.


Hard to explain all these things. 
Some things that make sense to me
doesn't make sense to everyone...

The other night I was telling my folks about how it can rain frogs. 
They laughed at me because they didn't believe me.
I told them to look it up, and my stepfather did.
THEN THEY STOPPED LAUGHING.
AND I POINTED OUT THAT THEY WERE LAUGHING
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.


That's pretty much how things have worked.
LAUGHING AT ME A TREATING ME LIKE A JOKE
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE WHAT TOOK ME
SO F*CKING LONG TO SEE...

BECAUSE THEY DON'T SEE IT, 
THEY DON'T KNOW IT, 
AND THEY LAUGH AT ME
AS THOUGH I KNOW SH*T LOL.


That's why I don't go out of my way to explain these things
OR TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS WITH THEM. 

AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO LISTEN...
Why would I keep telling them?
Just to keep telling them?
For them to keep refusing to listen to me?

It's like they would rather listen to ANYONE ELSE, THOUGH.
That's why a lot of what I have to say has to come from someone else
FOR IT TO EVER GET THROUGH TO THEM. 


Like had anyone else told them, they would just look it up.
AND SKIPPED THE LAUGHING, Y'KNOW?

And maybe some other things I say might start making sense.
BUT IT'S BECAUSE OF HOW THEY CHOOSE TO LOOK AT ME
LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING...
That I don't really bother trying to 'prove' that I do.
I just let them think whatever they're going to think.
AND I KEEP A LOT TO MYSELF. 
THINGS THEY WOULDN'T APPRECIATE.
IN GENERAL, NOT JUST ABOUT ME.
Or coming from me...


The reason why I feel like they wouldn't appreciate it...
They don't seem to get the meaning of it.
If they can't get it, they can't appreciate it.

And that has nothing to do with me.
Whether they can get it or not.

Did it have anything to do with anyone?
When I couldn't get it?
When I couldn't see something?
When I didn't know something?

Was it even on anyone who couldn't teach me those things?
If they don't know, how could they have taught me?

Sometimes it bugs me that they look at me like I know nothing...
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I KNOW ANYTHING?
BECAUSE IF I DID, I WOULD BE A TYPE OF WAY?
A WAY I DON'T HAVE TO BE?

Not even sure why it bothers me.
I CAN HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT LOL.

But it would cool to be taken seriously
AS THOUGH I DO KNOW THINGS.


But even if they asked me questions...
HOW DO I ANSWER THOSE
IN A WAY THAT MAKES SENSE TO THEM?

Just because something makes sense to me...
Doesn't mean I know how to explain it
IN A WAY THAT MAKES SENSE TO THEM.

Especially in a form of a conversation...
In the form of a blog post? Maybe...

I'm used to people just not listening
BECAUSE THEY THINK WHATEVER THEY THINK.
AND IF THEY WANT TO THINK THAT, THEY CAN.
Just like I can think what I think...