It's Embarrassing

Maybe I won't 'catch up' socially.
BUT I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM.
I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON
THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE.
AND I KNOW THERE WERE TIMES
I WASN'T THE PERSON I WANTED TO BE.
BECAUSE I DID THINGS
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

When I look back, it's f*cking embarrassing.
When I see certain cringe things in people
IT SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING FOR THEM.

AND WHEN THEY KNOW I SEE IT
THEY ARE EMBARRASSED AROUND ME
AND THEY GET MAD BECAUSE IT'S LIKE I AM
THE REASON THEY ARE EMBARRASSED

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THEY KNOW
HOW THEY ARE BEING IS EMBARRASSING

And when my energy calls out their energy,
THEY BLAME THAT ON ME.

It's like they energetically feel like
I ALREADY LEARNED THAT LESSON.

And I can't help that about myself
BECAUSE I ALREADY LEARNED THAT LESSON.

And you don't have to say anything...
THEY JUST FEEL IT.

The ones who know about this can feel you feeling it.
AND THEY CAN INTERPRET THAT FEELING

They feel you feeling them feeling you feeling them.
THAT feeling can really scare people.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING THEM
RIGHT IN THE EYES.

That is why I try to cloak my energy as much as I can.
SO NOBODY CAN READ ME.
IT'S VERY HARD TO READ ME.

But there were times that some did.
DOWN TO THE T OF WHAT I THOUGHT.
WHICH IS F*CKING SCARY.


But when I do it, I don't do it maliciously.
I do it to connect, but not to do anything.

IF I DO IT AT ALL.

BUT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO
WAS GET SOMEONE TO SEE WHAT WAS MOTIVATING
THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM
AND WHAT WAS MOTIVATING ME.

But when you can show someone something
THAT YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN
THAT NOT EVERYONE EVEN KNOWS ABOUT
HOW ARE THEY TO KNOW?

On here, I only talk about some of it.
There's much more to it.

But when it's that they've devalued me etc
AND ANYTHING COMES MY WAY
THEY SOMEHOW FEEL ENTITLED TO ME
When they weren't a part of cultivating anything with me.
LIKE PEOPLE TRYING TO PURPOSELY
PUT ME AT A DISADVANTAGE.
THEN I RISE A LITTLE BIT HOW DO THEY HAVE THE RIGHT
TO BE UPSET ABOUT IT?
HAD TO RISE BY MYSELF, RIGHT?

And maybe I could only get here by myself.
Maybe I could have gotten here sooner in some ways.
BUT I KNOW THAT IF I STAYED IN SOME SITUATIONS
I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW MYSELF BETTER.
Or gotten to feel better. 

I wouldn't have had the space to heal any of that.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT
DON'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY
OR WANTED TO BE HAPPY
AT MY EXPENSE.
DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

When someone is secure and doesn't actually need
ANYTHING AS AN EXTERNAL VALIDATOR
LIKE THEY'RE EXPECTED TO NEED
(AND YEAH SOCIETY TEACHES A BUNCH OF BS)...

Then they don't take rejection personally.
if someone wants to run away from you over and over
WHEN YOU ALREADY TRIED TO SHOW YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

Let them run away!
Because f*ck that.

If they run out of fear, is it your fault
that they are too scared to see what you could show them?
Too scared to be honest with themselves?
Too scared to grow tf up?
Are you supposed to stick around until they do?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY EXPECTED ME TO!
WHEN I DIDN'T THEY WANT TO GET MAD?

BECAUSE I WAS THERE. THE WHOLE TIME. 

I'm mad that you're not running after me
AFTER I PUSHED YOU AWAY A BILLION TIMES.
what did you expect me to do, though?

Just get through it so you can keep doing it?

When I tell someone something
THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
WTF I JUST SAID.

THEN THEY GET MAD AT ME
FOR EVEN SAYING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WHEN THERE'S A REASON
I WAS F*CKING TRYING TO TELL THEM.

Like that guy with the jealous one reading OUR messages.
READING AND INTERUPTING OUR CONVERSATIONS.
THREATENING THE BOTH OF US.
ALL THAT MESS.


THAT is the "psycho" wife sh*t she was trying to project onto me.
For one thing. 
FOR TWO, HE'S JUST TOO UNAWARE
AND EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE
TO WANT TO DEAL WITH.

Did he trigger tf out of me? Yeah, he did.
BUT WAS I THE ONE AGREEING
TO GO ON THE SAME 'CYCLE'
AND HE WAS THE ONE USING WORDS LIKE
CYCLE AND TRAUMA BONDING.

isn't that sh*t embarrassing?
DID I WANT SOMETHIING REAL?
OR DID I SIGN UP FOR A TRAUMA BOND?

PRETTY SURE I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR SOMETHING
THAT SOMEONE TURNED INTO A TRAUMA BOND FFS.

You don't get to BOND with me by traumatizing me.

AND have I realized how toxic certain habits of mine used to be?
THAT'S WHY IT'S EMBARRASSING.

When you become more mature
ALL KINDS OF IMMATURE BS
LOOKS LIKE IMMATURE BS.

YOU GET TO DECIDE IF IMMATURE BS IS WHAT YOU WANT
OR IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT.

And when you've had ENOUGH OF IT...
YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT.
NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT.
Is there? Another way of putting it?


Random text guy said
I don't know any other way of explaining it to you.
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO JUST GO WITH IT.