Closed Off

It's always just been going to "somewhere."
IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING 
Because it's not about playing.

The somewhere could even be a new state of being.
the state of being is where it comes from.
Not winning.

Obviously when someone's hiding info from me
that's for a reason. 
That's never not for a reason.

The reason I have. Is to keep some things private.
PLUS, IF ANYONE HAD LISTENED TO ME
ACTUALLY TAKEN ME SERIOUSLY...

Then they'd know. But does it matter that I know?
Yes, in a way. Because when they know that I know,
they can try to deny it.
But they still know that I know.

But what happens when I don't do anything to retaliate?
Thunderclap.

Because when you know where to listen, 
you can hear things they don't say
because they don't want to say it
and why they don't want to say it.

What bothers me is when they went out of their way
OVER SKILLS I WOULD HAVE TAUGHT.
OR TRIED TO CONTROL.

Thrown under the bus for "not belonging"
and I WOULD RATHER NOT BELONG
THAN BE ABOUT ANY OF THE BS.

I don't 'belong' because I'm not heading that way.
It's a solidary path. Y'know.

What bugs me is some people would do anything for money.
Not even money would be worth those things, to me.

Marrying for money is out of the question, period.
When I have mine up, I won't be talking about it.
BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD TRY TO BE "NICE" TO ME.
AFTER NOT EVEN SAYING HELLO TO ME.

However, there are a few things I'll do right away.
I know someone I'd buy a restaurant for.
I know someone I'd but a garage for.

I'd do a few things like that.

Other than that, I'd pay off my debt.
A few places I'd donate to.

I don't mind helping OF MY OWN ACCORD.
BUT TO EXPECT ME TO JUST DO IT
WHEN I HAD NOBODY IN MY CORNER...

The people I'd without a doubt would do these for
NEVER WANTED ANYTHING FROM ME, EVER.
THEY SPOKE WITH ME, THEY LISTENED TO ME.

Anyway, and another person I know who was there for me, the most.
Of anyone, actually. Which is hard to say.
I'm one of his many friends.
Just someone he knows.
But he's been a good friend to me.

The things that motivate people are telling. Very telling.
I've seen people who are all about the money.
Money, it's a thing, but to be driven by that?

That's why I keep it to myself, now.
TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE MOTIVATED.

By money and by the need to "win."
There's no "pride" for me in "winning."
Not at someone's expense.

I spend my time on other things.
Like getting ahead in my own pursuits.
 
I hadn't had any stalking / spying for a long time.
The last I've known is because of those jealous chicks.
For real, WHY would anyone go AT ME like that?

THAT is the primary reason I didn't believe random text guy.
BECAUSE MY MESSAGES WERE BEING READ
MY CONVERSATION WAS INTERRUPTED WITH THREATS.
All that spying and obsessive BS.

OVER BS. SUPERFICIAL BS.

THAT and random guy could have been ONE OF THEM.

Sure, that sounds paranoid. BUT WHEN DO I HAVE
RANDOM GUYS TEXT ME SAYING THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR A SINGLE GIRL WHO MIGHT WANT TO DATE?

THAT isn't as random as random guy wanted it to look.

Like "please watch my cat? can I come by to see my cat?"
Or "whoops, last bus."
Or "Let's go to the XXX store."
Or a bunch of other stuff. 

When it's contrived, it's not REAL.
How contrived is it to "get" someone's phone number.
AND NOT EXPLAIN WHERE YOU GOT IT FROM?

So I just have to accept a partial truth?

Maybe it was even a ploy to see if I'm still single
THEN RANDOM GUY JUST STANDS ME UP
AND STOPS TEXTING...
NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN A BUNCH OF SH*T.

WHEN I USED TO WANT TO DATE...
A BUNCH OF THAT CRAP WOULD HAPPEN.

Sure, I was an angry person (this crap added to it).
Sure, people would say all kinds of crap about me.

TO KEEP ANYONE FROM BEING CURIOUS ABOUT ME.
Because if I had someone by my side...
REALLY by my side...

BUT... I've grown emotionally, now.
I don't look at BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
AS THE END ALL BE ALL ANYMORE.
OR GETTING MARRIED.

Sure, a few people I actually wanted to trust in my life.
COULD I TRUST THEM, THOUGH?
OR WERE THEY TOO IMMATURE?

Immaturity was the least of the worst.
THEN THEY WANT TO THINK I'M DEALING WITH
ENTERTAINING OTHER OPTIONS?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO THINK I'M THAT PETTY AND SPITEFUL
THAT I'D DO THAT OUT OF SPITE?

No. Just getting right with myself, for myself.
Which I'm allowed to do.

Then it's like if I do what interests me and pull my energy back
FROM PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT IT
FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY WANT IT
Because they could get energy from anyone else.

BECAUSE WHEN I WAS THERE, WHEN I WANTED TO DATE
AND HAVE SOMEONE ACTUALLY TAKE THE TIME
TO ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW ME...
I HAD TOO MUCH IMMATURE BS.
TO EVEN WANT TO CONTINUE.

But ALSO, I've had my OWN IMMATURE BS
TO LOOK AT, REALLY LOOK AT.
IF YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T GROW, PERIOD.
BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANT TO CHANGE.

Only when you look at it, REALLY LOOK AT IT
ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO WANT TO CHANGE.

My REQUIREMENTS / standards aren't too much.
Yes, it requires effort. I've put the efforts in for things I wanted.
WHILE PEOPLE WOULD RATHER SIT THERE
WATCHING ME WORK 
WHILE CALLING ME A B*TCH
FOR WANTING THEM TO JUST F*CKING DO
WHAT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

And they cannot tell me they didn't know
wtf they were supposed to be doing.
THE VERY THING THEY WERE REFUSING TO F*CKING DO!

Random text guy. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING ME
WTF IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT.

If I'm getting the run around about how he got my number...
AND I had all that BS happening...
DO I WANT ANY MORE BS?

It's that when people want me to be open, it's for a reason.
On here, it's different.
Because my private life's still private.

The reason the random text guy...
The reason the guy seems off besides 
NOT VERIFYING HOW HE GOT MY NUMBER
IS BECAUSE THAT ONE FEMALE
WAS SPYING SO HARD
THAT I TOLD THE GUY
WHO WASN'T LISTENING TO ME ABOUT IT.
EVEN THOUGH HE F*CKING SAW IT...

You can't tell me that was ONE TIME.
SHE 'NEEDED' TO KNOW ABOUT ME
SO F*CKING BADLY
SHE WAS READING EVERY CONVERSATION
I HAD WITH SOMEONE
THAT WAS NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

And you have to think... People who want info
ABOUT ME AND THERE REALLY ISN'T ANY
WILL DO RANDOM TEXTS 
THAT AREN'T SO 'RANDOM.'

To see if I'm single? WTF.

No, they wanted to know who I am
IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW ALREADY...

"Oh from a friend of a friend. Next question."

They want me to be bothered so badly.
BUT WHY AM I NOT BOTHERED?
The people who want me to be bothered
ARE BOTHERED. BY ME.

BECAUSE I KEEP THAT TO MYSELF.
Anyone who goes to that extent to DIG
for anything about me wants to use that somehow.

This is why I keep it to myself.
Besides that, I'm allowed to.

Random dude could have been one of those girls
stalking that dude saying I was the one doing that.

"Random dude" just wants to know where I live.


I swear, this sh*t started when I started talking to someone. 
If they can read all his messages, they'll get into mine.
And maybe they got into mine to see what I'm "doing."
Because if they got into mine, they'd get my number that way.
AND THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW THAT.

I stopped talking to someone who's messages were being read.
Did I want to? Or was I forced to?
STOPPED BEING "FUN" WHEN I DID, RIGHT?
BECAUSE I WASN'T SIGNING UP FOR THAT SH*T.
OTHER PEOPLE'S INSECURITIES
HAVE F*CK ALL TO DO WITH ME.

Just like mine have nothing to do with anyone else.

It reminds me of a post I saw recently...
A female was posting how she identifies
BY HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
Because that's what she was taught to value.
She wrote to the extent it got and it just...
One, it blew me away and I felt sad
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE BEING TAUGHT TO VALUE
TO THE EXTENT THAT'S ALL THEY IDENTIFY WITH
OR AS...

That's only skin-deep. 
ANYTHING WORTH IT IS SO MUCH DEEPER THAN THAT.

And no matter how I feel or felt, I CAN STILL WALK AWAY
BECAUSE I WAS NEVER AFTER ANYTHING.
If it was about anything, I would have stayed for more BS.
AND THAT'S WHY I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANYTHING.
I'M NOT AROUND ANYONE JUST TO ASK FOR STUFF.
Also, that's not my idea of romance.
OR FRIENDSHIP.

It's easy to tell everyone that I'm everything I'm not.
It's easy to say whatever and assume whatever.
IF THEY DON'T SEE ME OUT THERE DOING IT
BECAUSE I'M NOT, THEY CAN'T SAY THAT I DO.

It seems to bother people that I am the way I am.
That's why they go out of their way to do all this BS.
That I don't do to them BECAUSE WHY DO THAT?

The only reasons I can think of... And things I never thought of
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.

That's why piecing things together took a while.
It bugs me that I even have had to do that.

And trying to keep it together around people
who think I can't and hope I can't...

Because getting what they want relies on me
not realizing things that they don't think I realize.
THAT I REALIZED A LONG TIME AGO.

When you realize these things
you can test people who think they are testing you.
Not that I make a point of doing it.
But being aware, even in ways that you can't explain...
Because people sometimes tell on themselves.
Sometimes without realizing it.

The guy who wanted to lure me to the car
AFTER I CROSSED THE STREET
BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO CUT ME OFF AT THE CORNER
WITH HIS CAR.

HE DID IT IN THE MOST OBVIOUS WAY.
THEY TELL ON THEMSELVES.

A lot of the time, I actually trusted because I wanted to.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO
DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN.

There's a saying that goes:
When you wear rose-colored glasses,
all the red flags just look like flags.

That's hard to do when you
WANT TO SEE THE BEST IN EVERYONE.
And yeah, it's good to try to see it.
BUT SOMETIMES WHEN CERTAIN PEOPLE
SEE THE BEST IN YOU
EVEN WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE IT
THEY'LL HATE YOU AND HATE YOU FOR IT.
FOR NO OTHER REASON.

I've been minding my own business and had people
LITERALLY GLARING AT ME
AND I CAN FEEL THEIR ENERGY "ON" ME.
Especially when they do it while trying to hide it.
That feeling, I know it, what it is, EXACTLY
BECAUSE I'VE FELT THAT SOOOO MANY TIMES.

That is why I "close" myself off. 
That's why I have to move in "silence."
Because what I do with my life has nothing to do with anyone.

It's like why be concerned about anything I have going on?
You know how much interference I've had?
Even from my own family?

Because why put me at a disadvantage?
Would I be who I am had I not "gotten through" a bunch of crap?
Maybe not. Probably not.

The only things you can master are time and patience.
YOUR TIME, YOUR PATIENCE.
I gave random guy some time.
ENOUGH PATIENCE TO GIVE HIM CHANCES
TO JUST TELL ME WHAT I ASKED.

Being seen for who I am is why certain people
DON'T WANT ME TO BE SEEN.

AND THE FUNNIEST THING IS
THAT I DON'T GAF ABOUT WHAT ANYONE SAID ABOUT ME.
IT WASN'T ABOUT BEING SEEN, FOR ME.
MAYBE IT COULD HAVE MADE SOME THINGS
EASIER, BUT...
SOMETIMES BEING SEEN...
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT.

THEY WANT TO BE SEEN INSTEAD OF YOU. 
WHEN YOU AREN'T DOING ANYTHING
FOR THE SAKE OF BEING SEEN.
YOU MERELY EXISTING IS TRIGGERING 
THEIR INSECURITIES.

Because your 'qualities' say something
about the 'qualities' that they don't.
IT P*SSES THEM OFF.

Should it make you turn your good qualities OFF
TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THEMSELVES?

I've gone through so much crap, that my energy rose.
I had to raise it from where it was, where I was.
INSTEAD OF DATING.
BECAUSE WHEN I DATED,
I WASN'T EVEN WHO I WANTED TO BE,
AS A PERSON.

I had to really look at myself and nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with doing it.
Nothing wrong with being single while doing it.
Nothing wrong with taking your time to do it, either.
That's your choice.

It's that soooo many people aren't choosing to do it.
They'd rather all "gang up" on people with their bs.
Spying, etc. Feed off it. 
Trying to tear me down just because I've built myself up.
Just to try to.

And I heard that people who do this stuff are mad
that they didn't build themselves up
because if they did they think others would tear them down
like they try to do to me.


All the times they tried tearing me down though...
It's funny because they don't think I see it.
And the more it looks the way it looks.

When it's happened to me. I didn't get it.
Because I didn't get WHY ANYONE WOULD.

AT THE SAME TIME WHEN CERTAIN THINGS
BOTHER ME, AND I SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT
THEY DON'T LIKE IT
BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S TRUE.

And because I already know how they would REACT
TO ME SPEAKING UP FOR MYSELF.
BECAUSE I'VE SEEN IT. I'VE LIVED IT.
Because they don't want me to do it.
THEY DON'T LIKE BEING PUT IN THEIR PLACE.

Like that time with the teacher in College.
She tried calling me out in class in front of everyone.
I called her out in private.
Told her to address me privately, if at all.

IF I HAD SPOKEN UP FOR MYSELF
THEY'RE BEEN MUCH MORE TO SAY.

Just goes to show that they don't do it to anyone
OTHER THAN ME
OR THEY WOULD HAVE DONE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.

I get this type of stuff does happen to other people.
And a lot of it makes you wonder why.
AND THEN WHEN YOU FIND OUT...

When you ask yourself what they are trying to get or have
out of doing that, or being like that...

BECAUSE THESE ARE THE THINGS I HAD TO ASK MYSELF.
Because I had to figure out what and why about myself.
SO THAT I CAN LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

But I can't do that for others. They have to do it.
AND THEY'LL ONLY DO IT IF THEY WANT TO DO IT.
BECAUSE FOR THINGS TO CHANGE
THEY HAVE TO DO IT.

OTHERWISE, THEY WON'T CHANGE.
Would I have changed? Probably not.
Because I didn't want to do it.

I had to look at things I didn't want to look at.
About myself.

Most people don't want to look at it, so they don't.

Even if they know that they have to look at what they don't want to,
will they do it? And if they do it, how will they do it?
BUT TO WHAT EXTENT?
To what extent? Because some don't go to any.
None at all.