I Don't Know If It Does

Not going to hang my hat on anything I say helping anyone.
I don't know if it does. If it does, cool. 
Mostly, like I said before, I write to get some stuff off my mind.
GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST HELPS ME.

I've carried all this sh*t all my life! So why keep carrying it?
Just because I could? Yeah, I could.
Why should I want to, though?
To be some kind of martyr?

There was something I saw about how some priests
whip themselves for their own sins.
I think there's a name for it, but I forget now.

Yeah, I could keep whipping myself
to keep carrying it... 
For the rest of my life...
Or I could write about it.

And some people might think:
WHY WRITE ABOUT IT?

1) So that maybe other people do, too
2) So that maybe some people get the picture
(Not about me, in general, about what I'm writing about).

Maybe even some beneficial reasons that aren't so apparent.

Someone was saying something in a video I watched.
it kind of made sense in a metaphoric way.

She was saying: It's kind of like when you're cleaning a pan.
THAT HAS LOTS OF GRIME AND STUCK ON CRUD...

TO GET IT CLEAN, YOU HAVE TO SCOUR IT.
TO GET THE STUCK ON CRUD OFF.

She was saying how that's like what the Universe does to us.
AND YEAH, IT CAN LEAVE US FEELING F*CKING RAW.
SENSITIVE,  EVEN.

Even when we let go of things that aren't working for us.
LIKE STANDING IN OUR OWN WAY.
WHICH I'M AN EXPERT IN BTW.

To be an expert in anything... THAT lol.


I've warned people. I'VE TOLD THEM OVER AND OVER.
THEY CHOSE NOT TO LISTEN TO ME.
THAT WAS THEIR CHOICE.

THEY CAN'T BE MAD AT ME FOR THEIR CHOICES.
Yet they... I don't know why they still do that sh*t.

IF IT WAS ME BEING MAD AT EVERYONE
FOR MY OWN CHOICES...
I WOULDN'T HAVE LEARNED A DAMN THING.

IF I HAD SOMEONE IN MY LIFE
TO TELL ME THINGS LIKE THIS, ETC.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER SET UP.
Maybe even had an advantage.

MAYBE that's why I write about this.
Because many people don't. 
THEY NEED TO LEARN TOO.
BUT IT'S BEEN UP TO THEM TO LEARN.
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
OR THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING...

YOU WON'T LEARN CERTAIN THINGS...
THAT WE OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN TAUGHT.


I've had to learn what I've learned from experiences I had.
That's why I write about those experiences.

With many things considered, I think I've turned out...
MAYBE BETTER THAN EXPECTED?

It's funny, sort of, THAT I KEEP SO MUCH TO MYSELF
THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO ASSUME THINGS
ABOUT ME. LIKE MY INTELLIGENCE LEVEL...

My son said something once.
He was saying how it's increasingly harder
TO HAVE AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION.
With people who are consumed with popular 'culture.'
AND THE SUBCULTURES...

Because that's all they seem to want to talk about.
"How am I supposed to talk to people?
WHEN YOUR GENERATION JUST TALKS ABOUT
WHO THEIR FAVORITE GHOSTBUSTER IS?"

He kind of has a point.
Every generation is the way it is
BECAUSE OF THE GENERATION BEFORE US.

VALUES kind of went out the window at some point.
MORALS, DECENCY, RESPECT etc.

THAT IS THE REASON FOR THE BLANTANT AUDACITY.
Because had we been TAUGHT THAT...
LIKE THEY ARE BEING TAUGHT THAT IN OTHER COUNTRIES...
THINGS COULD BE VERY DIFFERENT.

BUT apart from generational stuff...
THERE ARE PERSONAL STANDARDS.

You know what bothers some people?
BECAUSE IF THEY HAD HIGHER STANDARDS 
FOR THEMSELVES
THEY WOULDN'T BE TELLING ME
THAT I THINK THAT I'M BETTER THAN EVERYONE.

Because it's not about being better than everyone.
IT'S ABOUT HAVING PERSONAL STANDARDS.

Not standards to try to push on people
WHO PROBABLY OUGHT TO RAISE
THEIR PERSONAL STANDARDS...

IT'S 'PERSONAL' FOR YOURSELF.

Sure, it has affected me, in a lot of ways
WHEN A LOT OF PEOPLE
WHO COULD HAVE HAD HIGHER PERSONAL STANDARDS
WANTED TO F*CK ME AROUND AND WASTE MY TIME.

BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER TRYING TO KNOW ME.
IT WAS ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED FROM ME.


If I WANT TO HAVE higher personal standards
FOR MYSELF... 
HOW IS THAT ANYONE'S BUSINESS?
If it BOTHERS ANYONE...
THEY CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES.

Yeah, it would have been "cool" of them
to have raised their personal standards...

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT WAY.
DID I THINK THAT WAY? I DIDN'T.
HOW WAS I EVEN ABLE TO?
WITH MY HEAD UP MY @SS?

That's what they call "stinking thinking."
I've heard it being called that.
I think I heard that term in AA.
I don't go to AA anymore.

Anyway, I did write about why already. 
Probably because of the personal standards thing.

BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ACT IN WAYS
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE ACTING.
IF THEY KNEW THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO...
WOULD THEY STILL ACT THAT WAY?


Here's something pretty solid:
ONE REASON THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO
IS BECAUSE OF THEIR IMPULSE CONTROL
OR LACK THEREOF.

Was I extremely impulsive? Yeah, I was.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I USED TO DRINK.

The part of the brain we use to think things through...
When people are drunk, that part shuts down.

Not blaming being drunk on all my 'bad decisions.'
Because every choice was/still is a choice.


I wasn't going to write about this, because I already have...
When I was in AA, there was a woman who was trying to
'take me under her wing." She offered to meet with me
TO GO OVER THE STEPS TOGETHER.

I had my brother staying here.
I don't know why I wanted him to just be out of here
while I was over there.
But he didn't want to go anywhere so I didn't go to meet with her.

Anyway, she called me up just coming at me with stuff like:
"I saw you as a daughter, how could you? You're not even trying" etc.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T MEET WITH HER ONE TIME.

Firstly, I never told anyone to look at me as their daughter.
It was like she wanted to meet with me to try to fulfill that.
As though she made me responsible for HER emotional needs.

Secondly, she made it all about her. 
Because, in her mind, it was.


Not only that... But her friend who would pick me up
and drive me home from meetings...
She had told her narrative to her friend.
And her friend came at me AS SOON AS I GOT IN HER CAR.
SO I GOT OUT OF HER CAR
BECAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE CONTINUED
TO HAVE ME CAPTIVE IN HER CAR...

That woman who was 'helping' me...
IT WASN'T ABOUT HELPING ME.
IT WAS ABOUT HER HAVING ME AROUND
BECAUSE TO HER, SHE SAW ME AS A DAUGHTER.

AND HER FRIEND WHO ONLY GOT HER NARRATIVE
AUTOMATICALLY SIDED WITH HER.
CRYING TO HER FRIEND
THAT I DIDN'T FULFILL HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS...

I WASN'T EVEN A MONTH SOBER FFS.
I HAVE MY OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS
THAT IT WOULDN'T BE F*CKING FAIR TO ANYONE
TO EXPECT THEM TO FULFILL THAT FOR ME.

Anyway, I left that AA group, went to a few others.
Then stopped going altogether.
Because I don't feel the "need" or "desire" to drink anymore.

Even remembering how I was when I was drunk...
IS ENOUGH CRINGE TO JUST NOT WANT TO ANYMORE.
AND IF I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE
HOW IS THAT ANYONE'S BUSINESS?


I had someone staying with me for a while.
Anyway, he kept wanting me to go out with him for drinks.
I kept telling him that I don't drink anymore.
And he was TRYING TO CONVINCE ME, 
TRYING TO TALK ME INTO IT.

BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO DRINK.
SEEMED OFFENDED BY MY CHOICE.
AS THOUGH IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.
IT F*CKING IS!!!

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO DRINK
IT'S NOT RUDE FOR THEM NOT TO WANT TO DRINK.
BECAUSE F*CK YOU. THAT'S WHY.


I REMEMBER A TIME BACK WHEN I WAS...
I TOOK OFF TO LIKE 10 TOWNS IN 3 MONTHS.
I was in Guelph Ontario at the time.

There were some people who showed me places to sleep.
So I hung out with them.

We were in a hotel room. 
I don't know if the guy broke in there
or knew the person staying there or what.


But there were four or five of us in that room
and we were passing around a bottle.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DRINK IT.
SO WHEN I GOT IT, I WAS PRETENDING TO DRINK IT.
I COULD HAVE JUST SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO.
AND IT SHOULDN'T MATTER WHAT THEY
COULD HAVE SAID ABOUT THAT.
BECAUSE F*CK YOU. THAT'S WHY.


I was thinking about this for a bit the other day:
My mother used to live across the street from a liquor store.
I WOULD STOP THERE BEFORE GOING TO MY MOTHER'S
BECAUSE, TO ME, IT WAS 'EASIER' BEING AROUND HER
WHILE I WAS DRUNK.

I heard someone saying that about taking the bus.
THAT HE'D NEED A BEER OR TWO
JUST TO TAKE THE BUS.


SPEAKING AS SOMEONE
WHO USED TO DRINK IN PUBLIC WASHROOMS.

Did AA help? For the first 3-6 months, it did.
BUT IT HAD TO BE MY CHOICE TO JUST QUIT.
BECAUSE IT WAS MY CHOICE.
NOT ONLY TO QUIT DRINKING
BUT TO RAISE MY PERSONAL STANDARDS.

QUITTING DRINKING IS ONE THING.
AND THAT IS SOMETIMES AS FAR AS PEOPLE GO.

RAISING YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS
IS SEPARATE FROM QUITTING DRINKING.
BUT IT'S A CHOICE NONETHELESS.

Sometimes these choices go hand in hand.
Sometimes they don't,
but when they do, you can leverage them both.

And yeah, it's about leveraging your choices.
WHY? BECAUSE IT'S YOUR CHOICE.
TO MAKE CHOICES, YOUR OWN CHOICES.
THAT'S A CHOICE.


As well, it's a choice to leverage your choices.
BECAUSE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO DO IT...

That's how you get out of your own way.
BY BEING AWARE OF YOUR OWN CHOICES
AND WHY YOU CHOOSE WHAT YOU CHOOSE.
WHY YOU CHOSE WHAT YOU CHOSE...
AND WHY YOU KEEP CHOOSING 
WHAT YOU KEEP CHOOSING.

Because we can all make BETTER CHOICES.
Even though I have raised my personal standards,
THERE'S STILL A LOT TO LEARN.
FOR EVERYONE. EVEN FOR ME.
BECAUSE NO TF I'M NOT BETTER THAN EVERYONE.

MAYBE MY PERSONAL STANDARDS ARE HIGHER
THAN THEY USED TO BE. BUT THAT'S FOR ME.
NOT TO 'PROVE' F*CK ALL TO ANYONE.
UNLESS I'M PROVING IT TO MYSELF...
Because they can prove it to themselves, too.
Why not?


That's the thing. Certain people I've had in my life
DIDN'T WANT TO RAISE THEIR PERSONAL STANDARDS.
THEY DIDN'T SEE WHY THEY SHOULD.
BEING AROUND THEM...
I DIDN'T SEE WHY I SHOULD.


I WASN'T THINKING LIKE THAT.
THEY WEREN'T. WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING
OTHER THAN SURFACE THINGS.

And it was so easy for them to think and assume
that I'm a surface-level person. 
IT'S EASY TO ASSUME ABOUT ANYONE.

BUT YOU CAN TELL WITH THE CHOICES THEY MAKE
AND ESPECIALLY WHY THEY MAKE CERTAIN CHOICES
WHAT KIND OF PERSON THEY ARE.


And just because I used to be a certain way, in the past...
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM STILL THAT PERSON.
I have been GROWING UP. LEVELING UP.
IN SOME WAYS. NOT ALL WAYS, BUT STILL SOME.
AND THAT WAS MORE THAN I WAS DOING
WHEN I USED TO CHOOSE...
TO DRINK IN PUBLIC WASHROOMS.
Or chose any of my drunken stupidity. 

Any of it encompasses ALL of it.
Because I didn't HAVE TO be about ANY of it.
THAT is why I'm choosing not to be about any of it.

One reason people are about that sh*t
IS BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S JUSTIFIABLE.
THAT AND THEY ARE SELFISH.


The guy who broke my mirror thinks I took his hoodies.
FOR ONE, I DON'T TAKE THINGS
THAT DON'T BELONG TO ME.

I used to do that. I used to take drugs, alcohol, cigarettes...
From my mother. Who was nearly always too drunk to know.

But IT DIDN'T MAKE IT RIGHT TO DO.

SO WHY WOULD IT BE RIGHT TO DO SOMETHING
THAT I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO DO?

LIKE TAKING ANY OF HIS STUFF.
THAT HE LEFT HERE... 
WHY? JUST BECAUSE HE WAS BEING A D*CK?
JUST BECAUSE HE BROKE MY MIRROR?
To 'get back' at him?

Yeah, I did 'get back' at him.
BY CALLING HIM OUT ON HIS SH*T.
HE HAD THAT COMING.
AT THE VERY LEAST.

And THAT was as far as I chose to take it.
Even 'revenge' has karma.
It depends on what kind of revenge it is.
THE MORE MALICE, THE WORSE THE INTENT...
THEN IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH
'REVENGE' ANYMORE.
THEN IT BECOMES ABOUT SELF-GRATIFICATION.


The biggest "flex" isn't stooping low.
Having enough regard for yourself 
TO CHOOSE NOT TO...
EVEN IF IT'S SO F*CKING TEMPTING.
BELIEVE ME. WHEN YOU'RE P*SSED OFF
A LOT OF "IDEAS" SEEM TEMPTING.

BECAUSE I WAITED FOR SOMETHING MORE
THAN HOW I WAS BEING TREATED...
AND THEN I DECIDED...
WHY WAIT TO BE TREATED BETTER?

To give people more chances than the ONE chance
I NEVER HAD TO GIVE THEM?


BUT IF SOMEONE CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN
ME AND SOMEONE ELSE,
Go be with someone else.

AND IT ISN'T FAIR TO ME
TO TRY TO HOLD ONTO ME
WHEN YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
OR WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
OR TRYING TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.


But when I AM MOVING ON...
DON'T TRY TO SWING BACK AROUND
BECAUSE YOU DID NOT WANT ME 
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE,
GIVING YOU A CHANCE.

Because if they wanted to be with me,
they would have taken the chance
when I gave it to them.

BUT DON'T LIE TO ME TELLING ME
THAT IT IS OVER WITH SOMEONE...
AND GIVE ME THE IMPRESSION THAT IT IS
INDEED OVER
WHEN NO TF IT ISN'T.

"What happened that A*** doesn't want to be with me?"
Maybe it was something you did or said.
THEY CAN'T BE SHOCKED OR SURPRISED.
WHEN I SAY F*CK THIS.


MAYBE BECAUSE THEY PLAYED GAMES.
DID THINGS I ALREADY TOLD THEM NOT TO DO.
THINGS I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE TO THEM.


You want FAIRNESS FROM ME?
THEN F*CKING BE FAIR TO ME.

It's like they didn't want me...
SO WHY IS IT ANYONE'S BUSINESS
IF I MOVE ON WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
ALSO, IT IS MY RIGHT TO DO SO.

Do I want ON AND OFF SH*T?
DO I WANT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT ME?
DO I WANT ANYTHING ONE-SIDED?
NO? WOULD YOU? Then WHY would I?


See why it's not a thing for me to be single?
I can start a new chapter
WITH SOMEONE
WHO WANTS TO START A NEW CHAPTER WITH ME.
TOGETHER.

BUT IF I WENT BACK TO THE ON & OFF SH*T
WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ON & OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE
ON AGAIN WHENEVER SOMEONE ELSE
SHOWS ANY INTEREST IN HIM...

THAT is all it would be. SINCE that's all that it was.
DO I WANT THAT? WHY WOULD I?


If they have a choice to go back to an ex
or starting a new relationship...
THAT IS THEIR CHOICE.

THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE MAD AT ME
FOR WHAT I CHOOSE.

JUST LIKE I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE MAD
FOR WHAT THEY CHOOSE.


If someone wanted to break up with me.
I HAVE NO RIGHT TO TRY TO RUIN
ANYTHING NEW HE COULD HAVE GOING ON.

That's what happened to me.
An ex of his trying to ruin any chance 
of something new starting between him and I.
TO AN ALARMING DEGREE.
BECAUSE SHE WANTED SOMETHING.


AND THEN PEOPLE INVESTED, COMPLETELY INVESTED.
IN GETTING IN BETWEEN HIM AND I.
TO THE POINT THEY WERE STALKING ME.
It got worse than that. 
VERBAL ASSAULT ETC.

TRY to hurt my feelings lol.
NOBODY CAN ANYMORE.
HEARD IT ALL.
AND I KNOW WHAT THE INTENT OF THAT IS.

TO TRY TO LURE ME INTO A FIGHT.
A FIGHT I CAN CHOOSE NOT TO PARTICIPATE IN.


But when you try to "hurt" someone's feelings
by talking sh*t... Says more about you. 
That sh*t's too immature for me.
A lot of things, that are bullsh*t, are too immature for me.
If it's not too immature for you, 
THAT is the issue. 
AND YOU CAN TRY BLAMING THAT ON ME.
BUT IN THE END, THAT ISN'T ON ME.
WHY SHOULD I BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S IMMATURITY?


Was anyone responsible for my immaturity?
You mean the ones who don't want to be responsible
for their own immaturity?

NOBODY is responsible for MY immaturity.
I AM AN ADULT.
Since adults are adults, supposedly...
THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE
FOR THEIR OWN IMMATURITY!!!

Being around a bunch of immature people...
WHO ARE IMMATURE...
DOESN'T HELP YOU MATURE.

That's what I've learned from past relationships.

IF SOMEONE IS LETTING EVERYONE
COME IN BETWEEN US...
THEY ARE CHOOSING TO DO THAT.

AND WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO DO THAT?
Because THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE.


Interfering exes, 'rivals' 
WHO SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT.
KNOWING THEY WOULD MAKE ANOTHER CHOICE
BASED ON WHAT THEY SAID.
INTENTIONAL SABOTAGE.

And if you let LIES and bullsh*t and other people
GET IN THE WAY. LIKE THEY WANTED TO
THAT IS A CHOICE.


Without that, I'm quite aware that people can stand in their own way.
They can stand in the way by letting others get in the way.
THEY HAVE TO ASK THEMSELVES WHY
SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO DISTRACT THEM.


I get it, that guys can be traumatized by what they went through
IN PAST RELATIONSHIPS.
BUT I AM NOT THEIR EX?
Whatever gossip, rumors, whatever bullsh*t...

DID THEY STAB ME IN THE BACK HARD ENOUGH?
THEY WANT TO SEE IF IT WORKED lol.

HOW CAN IT WORK
WHEN I KNOW WHO TF I AM?


IF ANYTHING, ALL IT DID...
WAS MADE ME GO HARDER FOR MYSELF.
That's all it did. Because I had to rebalance it, for myself.


What do I mean about going harder for myself?
Focusing on what I need to be doing for myself. 
Emotionally, in all kinds of ways.

For every LIE anyone ever said about me, 
they'll get karma for that.
WHETHER I LIFT A FINGER TOWARDS THEM
OR NOT.
AND IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO ME. IT'S JUST NOT.
IT'S NOT FOR ME TO DO.


I don't want to be like those kinds of people.
I don't want to be the way I used to be
THAT'S WHY I'M NOT THAT WAY ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO BE OR STAY THAT WAY.

Going hard for myself is cleaning up my life.
Not just making better choices...
Discovering things about myself.
Developing myself. All kinds of things.
Showing up for MYSELF.
IN THE WAYS THAT I NEED TO SHOW UP FOR MYSELF.

But saying that I'm the opposite of what I am...
It's f*cking funny that people would even do that.
AND THEY DO THAT OUT OF JEALOUSY.
AND WANTED ME TO FEEL "LEFT OUT."

How am I supposed to feel "left out"
OF SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO BE IN?

Saying I am the one who is jealous?
If I was jealous, I would have been doing
WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO TO ME.
THINKING IT WAS FUNNY.
JOKE IS ON THEM.


And yeah, sometimes I acted stupid
TO SEE HOW PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MOVE.
BECAUSE HOW THEY MOVE
EXPOSES THEM.

PEOPLE WHO THINK I'M CLUELESS
AND TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK THAT I AM.
ARE THE ONES WHO ARE CLUELESS.


Too busy working on my GOALS. 
They don't know who I am.
They have no idea who I am and what I'm about.
But they want to try to act like they do? Funny.
They can flap their gums all they want...
BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM RIGHT ABOUT ME.
DOESN'T MEAN THEY'LL SAY THE SAME SH*T TO MY FACE.

They could have been going hard for themselves
INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GO HARD AT ME.
Again, WHY? There's a reason they even TRIED.

Nobody has the FACTS about me.
AND THEY TRY TO COME FOR ME
BECAUSE I BRUISED THEIR EGO?

Whatever they could say to try to make me look bad.
In the past, yeah I've made myself look bad.
BUT TO TRY TO DIG DIRT ON SOMEONE
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO LOOK AT ME...


IT'S ALL SUPERFICIAL BULLSH*T.
And yeah, people have tried to ruin things for me.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE ME
DOING BETTER THAN THEM.
And I'd be doing 'better' than them...
IF I'M GETTING OR HAVING SOMETHING THEY WANTED!!!
Can't have that, right?

It still bugs me that the guy I used to hang out with...
Kept trying to talk me out of my goals.
If I focused on my goals, I would be less accessible to him.
It was like he wanted to syphon my energy.
And he wanted to manipulate me.
Or else WHY try talking me out of my goals?
And why try to talk me into YOUR goals?
Should I be doing that?
Or should I be respecting the fact
that people have their goals that they want to achieve?
If they have goals that have nothing to do with me...
HOW CAN I TAKE THAT PERSONALLY?
It has nothing to do with them.
It has to do with what I want for myself.

If they try putting their emotional needs ON ME
THEY WON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THEIR EMOTIONAL NEEDS.

If that makes me seem like I don't care
how they feel, it's not the case.

They are allowed to pursue what they want to.
So am I. Just that simple.
IS IT SELFISH FOR WANTING TO?
TO PURSUE THINGS THAT I WANT TO?

Here's an example:
I know a guy, known him for 12+ years.
HE HAS GOALS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
HE STUDIES FOR EXAMS THAT ARE MANDATORY
IN HIS FIELD OF WORK.

Do I tell him he shouldn't?
Do I try to give him "reasons" he shouldn't?
Even if he secludes himself to study etc?
Should I feel offended that he wants to do that?
No. 

1) That's his business
2) That's what he wants to pursue
3) It would be selfish of me to want ALL HIS TIME.
AND SELFISH OF ME
TO EVEN WANT TO DISTRACT HIM FROM THAT.

That's why it bothers me.

And it was like it was a goal
to try to talk me out of and into things.
To try to tell me what to do all the time.


Like that time he yelled at me
FOR RIDING MY BIKE DOWN THE HILL.
BECAUSE HE 'TOLD ME' NOT TO.
WAS IT HIS CHOICE?
OR WAS IT MINE?

He wanted to show me a house.
Because the address has my "number" on it.

So he said to stop at the top of hill
because that's where the house was.

BUT AFTER HE SHOWED ME, 
I WANTED TO RIDE MY BIKE DOWN THE HILL.
BECAUSE WHY NOT?

He got mad because HE DIDN'T WANT TO.
HE DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I WASN'T EXPECTING HIM TO.
BECAUSE THAT'S HIS CHOICE.

He didn't want to, because he'd be going past
someone's house who he wanted to avoid.
That's his business. None of mine.
Has zero to do with me.
He could have gone around the corner
and met up with me
AND JUST LET ME RIDE DOWN THE HILL.
BECAUSE WHY WAS IT A BIG DEAL
THAT I WANTED TO?

But because he WANTED TO TRY TO CONTROL ME.
He got mad because I don't want to just let him.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I?
MY CHOICES ARE MINE.

He literally got MAD AT ME AND YELLED AT ME.
FOR DOING SOMETHING
HE TOLD ME NOT TO DO.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T JUST DO
WHAT HE "TOLD" ME TO DO.

LIKE ALL I WAS THERE FOR
WAS TO JUST DO WHAT I WAS "TOLD" TO DO.
F*CK THAT.

Anyway, done with all kinds of sh*t.
THAT isn't a friendship.
THAT is him trying to have control over me.
In the guise of him "just wanting to help me."

The thing is, I KEEP A LOT TO MYSELF.
THIS IS WHY A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T really know me, like they think they do.
OR thought they did.

I don't openly share the things I know.
I drop it HERE, but I don't talk about it.
One, it's easier to write, for me.
Two, a lot of people
DON'T WANT TO LISTEN, PERIOD.
BECAUSE IF THEY HEARD ME, 
THE FIRST TIME I SAID SOMETHING...
IF THEY EVEN HEARD THEMSELVES...

THEN try to be like they know everything?
Just because I'm younger THAN HIM doesn't mean
THAT I WANT TO BE CONTROLLED
OR MANIPULATED.
Doesn't mean he should even TRY to.
HE TRIED TO BECAUSE HE WANTED TO.
OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO.


Just like the one who felt threatened by me
WHO TRIED COMING AT ME.
AND THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE.
SHE CAME AT ME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO.
OR ELSE she wouldn't have, correct?
BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE
COULD TRY TO DOMINATE ME
AND THOUGHT SHE COULD CONTROL ME LOL.

DON'T try to control or manipulate someone
WHO CAN CONTROL THEMSELVES.

People who can control themselves
DON'T TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS.
WHY? BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A POINT IN THAT.
BECAUSE the point is to CONTROL OURSELVES.


Have I always had self-control? 
I have had significantly less when I was busy
BEING IMPULSIVE AND SELFISH.

But it's NOT SELFISH to not allow yourself
TO BE CONTROLLED by someone
WHO WANTS TO CONTROL YOU.
BECAUSE they want to do that to suit themselves.
WHY do they want to suit themselves?
Because they are being selfish.
When it's about what they want, it's about THAT.
And when it's about THAT, it's not about YOU.