Golden Break

I'm not a "pool shark."
I don't even have enough experience to be all that great.

Once, I got a golden break. 
That's when you break and sink the 8 ball. 
It's an extremely unlikely thing. 
Such a rare thing that it's called a golden break.

Anyway, I've been working on my website stuff. 
I've got a download page done.
When someone fills out the form on the form page, 
it redirects to the download page
when the info in the form is submitted.

Then I added some script that shows a popup
that says download started when the download button is clicked.
It's supposed to download instantly when the button is clicked.

Other than that, I'll probably change the graphics for the PDFs.
Can't judge a book by its cover, though.
Just would like to make it look more 'professional.'
Even though I'm not a professional.
If I was, I'd be getting way more results.

I guess everyone has to start somewhere.
It's interested me for a long time.

Started with being inspired to learn to code from a chat site.
So I started coding but where the money is... In programming.


For custom stuff I want to do, I get the code from chatgpt. 
I know that's 'cheating.' I usually get code from a variety of places.
To use in my projects. 

I've heard of people making apps using chatgpt.
They use the paid version that you need a subscription for.
The free version has what I'm looking for
in terms of a coding partner.

Ideally, I'd love to have an actual coding partner and writing partner.
I guess it's been a dream of mine to write a book with someone.

It's been a while since I worked on my writing projects.
The one I'm working on is going to be kind of intricate.

It's telling the story from the point of view of many characters.
I'm only on the second part. 
It's easier for me to write in the point of view of a guy.
There are female characters, but those are going to be harder.
BY FAR HARDER.

I can't go into all the details. It's an 'urban drama.'


I never thought that being myself would trigger anyone.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT I'D JUST BE ALLOWED TO.

It's like as soon as I got on the scene or whatever
Some salty females got triggered and "threatened."
IF SOMEONE IS THREATENED, 
BY ME BEING MYSELF
IT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING TO THEM.
IT'S HIGHLIGHTING SOMETHING ABOUT THEMSELVES
THAT THEY HAVE THE CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT.

If people are trying to go THAT HARD AT ME...
THAT'S FOR A REASON.

INSTEAD OF TRYING TO COMPETE WITH ME
WHEN I WASN'T EVEN ABOUT COMPETING...
STILL NOT. WHY? 

I'll tell you why... 
Because... Back when I used to get jealous...
I HAD TO SEE THAT I HAD A COUPLE OF OPTIONS.
1) KEEP BEING JEALOUS AND COMPARE MYSELF ETC
2) LEARN THAT ALL JEALOUSY WAS SHOWING ME
WERE MY OWN INSECURITIES.

I could have BLAMED my insecurities on others.
OR I could have just owned it.


One thing that gave me a tiny bit of pride
IS THAT I DIDN'T GET THE SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY.
I HAD MY GRANDMOTHER.
SHE WAS ALWAYS IN MY CORNER.
FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR HER... I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I DON'T.

I had to get through a lot of sh*t. 
And who was there? Who?
My Grandmother was there.
N***** was there, too.

Was my mother there? Was my father?
If you've read why my father wasn't there, you know why.


Nobody can do anything about how I'm seen, but they tried.
OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE LIED.
IT WILL ALL COME OUT. I KNOW IT WILL.

If they were listening to their 'better judgment' 
they wouldn't have tried to build any foundation 
on lies about me and about themselves.


What was in that for me? Anything?
IT WASN'T ABOUT GETTING ANYTHING.
NO ANSWER IS AN ANSWER.

Then it's my choice HOW I AM TO HANDLE MYSELF.
HOW I WILL 'MASTER' MY 'EMOTIONS.'
How I choose to move is ON ME.
HOW THEY CHOOSE TO MOVE IS ON THEM.
NOT ON ME.

Because if it was on ME, they wouldn't be moving
the way they've moved ON ME.


If it was on anyone I BLAMED 
FOR MOVING HOW I CHOSE TO MOVE...
IT WOULDN'T BE ON ME. BUT IT IS.
ONLY ON ME.

That's what a lot of people aren't understanding. 
ABOUT ME.
LIKE IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO SEE...
BUT JOINING PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COMPETE?
WANT YOU TO SEE ME IN A TYPE OF WAY...
THAT I NEVER EVEN WAS, EVER...

And if they KNEW THIS ABOUT ME...
IT WOULDN'T BE HARD TO SEE
WHY THEY WERE GOING SO DAMN HARD.


It's kind of sad, maybe slightly flattering
THAT ANYONE WOULD WANT TO GO THAT HARD.
ABOUT ME...

But why should I rely on anyone for MY DIGNITY?
FOR MY SELF RESPECT?
Should I? Should anyone? F*ck that.

But WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE THE TIME
TO GO HARD ABOUT ME?


Shouldn't they be USING THEIR TIME
TO GO HARD ABOUT THEMSELVES?

I don't have the time to WALLOW 
ABOUT BEING LEFT IN THE DUST
BY SOMEONE WHO HAD THE CHANCE.
CHANCE AFTER CHANCE.
UNTIL: NOPE!

Why am I not wallowing? Why am I not going hard
EVEN ABOUT THE ONES GOING HARD ABOUT ME?

BECAUSE I WANT TO DO OTHER THINGS
WITH MY LIFE.

JUST LIKE THEY COULD HAVE DONE OTHER THINGS
WITH THEIR LIVES.
INSTEAD OF TRYING TO COME AT ME.
FOR AN EGO TRIP?


Instead of being jealous of me
FOR WHATEVER F*CKING REASON
(I CAN'T EVEN REALLY SEE ANY)
THEY COULD HAVE MAYBE TAKEN SOME INSPIRATION.
BECAUSE IF I CAN PULL MYSELF UP, SO CAN THEY.

And NOBODY can say it came easy.
I've gone through things that other people
COULD LET THEMSELVES BE DESTROYED BY.
I DIDN'T LET MYSELF BE DESTROYED BY
ANYTHING THAT WAS LIKELY MEANT
TO DESTROY ME...

BECAUSE WHY DO ANY OF THAT SH*T TO ME?

If the shoes were on the other feet...
THEY COULDN'T F*CKING HANDLE IT.
IF I DID ALL THE SH*T PEOPLE DID TO ME...
IF I WENT OUT THERE.... DOING ALL THAT SH*T...

HOW WOULD IT BE COMING FROM ME?
DO THEY SEE HOW IT IS COMING FROM THEM?

It's like people think I am EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH.
NO. I am the person I became... Because of a lot of sh*t.
THINGS I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
Because it shouldn't have even happened
for me to even explain it. Any of it.


There's a lot about me that people can't do anything about.
So because THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING 
ABOUT THOSE THINGS...
THEY TRY TO GO HARD IN OTHER WAYS.
It's bullsh*t. It'd be cool not to deal with any of this sh*t.
SURE DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS SH*T.
WOULD YOU? THEN WHY WOULD I?

I read something recently:
Shade from a tree bearing no fruit should never bother you.


I'm not bothered by the "shade."
In school, I got high grades. People didn't like me.
BECAUSE I MINDED MY OWN BUSINESS
AND DID THE WORK.

I don't have to have the same "parameters"
that others hold themselves back with.

I realized this about myself, too.
I don't have to have the "parameters" I used to have
that I held myself back with. I just don't. 

When you realize you don't have to do
A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS...
IT OPENS YOU UP TO REALIZING OTHER THINGS.
THOSE THINGS ARE KEY THINGS.

That's why I write about this stuff. 
I do it mostly to get stuff off my mind.
Some stuff off my chest, too.

BUT TO SOME EXTENT... IT'S LIKE I HAVE TO
BRING IT UP. BECAUSE THESE ARE THE THINGS
THAT I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT.
BECAUSE I WASN'T SEEING ANY OF IT.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I SEE ANY OF IT?
I DIDN'T THINK THAT WAY.

I was stuck on a bunch of things
I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE STUCK ON.
THAT IS WHY I WRITE ABOUT IT.
Apart from the other reasons why I do it.


Besides that, it's the principle of the whole damn thing.
Everything I endured and WHY.
It wasn't to make me bitter and keep me angry...
SURE, NOTHING ABOUT IT WAS FAIR.


BUT THE SHEER AUDACITY OF SO MUCH SH*T...
WOULD GETTING 'REVENGE' FEEL 'GOOD'?
MY 'REVENGE' WAS DECIDING FOR MYSELF.


Because STATUS means F*CK ALL TO ME.
It'll never be important to me.
DEFINITELY NOT ENOUGH
TO BE ABOUT ANY BULLSH*T
THAT I NEVER HAD TO BE ABOUT, PERIOD.


What bugs people is that I'm original. 
I DON'T GO WITH THE CROWD
ALL DOING THE SAME RECYCLED GARBAGE
FOR THE SAME RECYCLED REASONS.

The reason people don't like it is because
IF THEY WERE SECURE
THEY WOULDN'T BE GOING WITH THE CROWD.
Or trying to get people on board their "spite train."

WHY GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY FOR STATUS?
For anything... BUT FOR STATUS?

ONLY CLOUT CHASERS CARE ABOUT STATUS.
AND SEE ANY POTENTIAL I HAVE AS A THREAT.


Why chase clout? Do you know what REAL clout is?
HAVING YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR @SS.
ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHY ANY OF THAT
AND ALL OF THAT IS BULLSH*T.


Believe me. WHEN YOU SEE WHAT IS BULLSH*T
AND WHY IT'S BULLSH*T
THINGS CHANGE.


It goes with that phrase I used to see everywhere.
It was NUTS. There were times I thought I was losing it.
All the times I saw the things I saw, it was for a reason. 

When I first quit drinking, I was kind of on a bit of a kick. 
Just wanted to expand my mind, think about new things etc.

That's why I kept seeing that phrase, randomly, 
but it wasn't all that random. 

"When we change the way we look at things
the things we look at change."

The only way I can put it to try to get it to make sense:
"The things we look at change
WHEN we change the way we look at things."

Lots of things I wasn't looking at.
Wasn't looking at myself. 
When I changed HOW I looked at myself
I changed.
Funny how that works.

Could I have changed in the ways that I have changed
IF I REFUSED TO LOOK AT MYSELF?
IF I KEPT BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE
ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE?

NO. Because I would STILL BE REFUSING
TO LOOK AT MYSELF. Get it?


And this isn't to attack anyone who has their head up their @ss.
It's only to talk about how to get it out of your @ss.

Looking at ourselves can be hard sometimes.
BECAUSE WE DON'T LIKE ADMITTING
THINGS ABOUT OURSELVES THAT WE OUGHT TO BE
AND HAVE OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN
F*CKING ASHAMED ABOUT.

THAT is the primary thing that makes doing it hard.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

FACING THAT SHAME, LIKE IT ACTUALLY EXISTS
BECAUSE IT DOES ACTUALLY F*CKING EXIST...

WHILE HARD TO DO... IS IMPORTANT.

Because IT SHOWS YOU AND TEACHES YOU
WTF HUMILITY IS ABOUT
AND WHY IT'S IMPORTANT.

Someone said something to me once:
What we resist will persist.


One example was when I had cystic acne.
It was so bad that people were literally saying to me:
"What happened to your face?!"

FIRST OF ALL, THAT IS RUDE AF.
I'd expect that from KIDS, but not adults.
THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER, CORRECT?

But I HATED having acne THAT F*CKING BAD.
IT SUCKED.
I was 'resisting' having the acne.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT IT. WHO DOES?

But it was like after I stopped even caring about it.
IT WENT AWAY.

I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere.
THAT ONE DAY AT WORK...
SOMEONE SAID IT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
THE WHOLE CREW AT THE END OF THE SHIFT
WAITING TO CLOCK OUT...

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?"
AND IF 20 PEOPLE DIDN'T ALL STOP 
AND TURNED TO LOOK RIGHT AT ME...

The dude didn't have to call ANY attention to me.
LET ALONE ATTENTION I DIDN'T WANT
OR ASK FOR.

BUT if I did that to someone...
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE...
HOW WOULD THAT BE COMING FROM ME?

The unwanted attention didn't bother me as much as:
HOW COULD THEY NOT UNDERSTAND
HOW F*CKED UP  THAT IS TO DO, PERIOD.

Maybe he never saw cystic acne before.
IT WAS RAGING CYSTIC ACNE.
Could have been burns for all he knew... I don't know.

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT THE ENTIRE CREW
TURNING AROUND
AND LOOKING RIGHT AT ME?
Would he want that?
How hard is that to understand, though?

Shouldn't be hard to understand that.
SO WHY TF IS IT?